SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you have family or friends you could go and stay with for awhile? A change of scenery and some distraction might really make a big difference in your daily outlook right now.

Strength to you.

Think of the song - what did not kill you make you stronger. You may have seen your WW these traits before. She is superficial. Regardless you cannot do anyhting about it. So far for her it is honeymoon. It may or may not work for her. She will come to know the POS's pros and cons. She will definitely not be happy to see that there is not going back. You have closed that channel and it is none of your busienss anymore. Why thinking of someone who treated you so badly. As others said please be in contact with someone who cares about you.

So sorry you are going through this :(

If you cannot stomach any "real" food, try protein shakes with some neutral (i.e. one that doesn't get irritating after several times) taste. Even if you don't feel tired, you are, and you need energy to cope with the stress.

I understand that you cannot think of anything else, but your WW, your situation, her affair. You don't get to any conclusion, you cannot decide anything, these just keep circling through your head.

It is rather counter-intuitive, but one thing that I found helpful in such situation was reading SI, Just Found Out forum. It's like you cannot think of anything not related to infidelity, but reading SI helps to direct your pain and thoughts a little bit away from yourself. You also get a feeling that you aren't alone, that there are many people struggling with the same pain.

Most of us are still struggling at the edge of our strength, but sharing even a little bit of it with others that need it most helps a little.

IHF,

Your action plan as a whole is a heavy lift. Any step you take on any on any part of your plan will start you on the path of healing. Journey of a thousand miles, well you know, starts with just one step.

Get started with what you can. Even if it is only phone calls to line up docs, attys.

Everyone here will be with you every step of the way.

Check back in when you can.

Make sure you use your support system. I bet you have someone that you can lean on for support. Take yourself eat. Go to IC and get the help you need. I know you know that you have a strong support network here. Use that as well. Will be praying for you.

Ithasfeels Rest and nutrition are key essentials. If NyQuil is not working try using relaxation tapes. There are inexpensive programs you can download to your computer. Try melatonin. I think it's recommended to take two hours before what you'd want to be your sleep time. If that doesn't work ask your doctor to recommend something. I know of one medication that is said to enable sleep without disruption the normal wave patterns as many insomnia meds do. You need not be taking stuff forever but in this crisis period you need all your strength.

If you cannot eat regular meals use nutritional supplements and very simple high quality foods that do not require cooking.

Check out support groups in your area and try them out even if it means traveling an hour. I take at least 3 1hour one way trips a week to deal with infidelity damage and Im probably old enough to be your grandmother.

If you are not doing so already, exercise. Walking daily for at least an hour at a good pace will help. Try music therapy. Avoid music that triggers; try a new genre. I always listened to jazz and blues before d-day. We always listened together. It's not the lyrics or the melody that bothers me--it's the very reminder of doing that when I had no idea of what my life really involved that bothers me--so now we only listen to classical.

If you have not shared your pain with a good friend or family member maybe that would help.

Great that you are writing. You write really really well here. Your posts have been very moving. Hope you're reading too. There's much helpful in the Healing Library and lots out there re betrayal and how to heal.

I know you are in great pain but I also sense you are a person of great heart and strength and resiliency. You say you don't normally speak much. Maybe this experience will bring out abilities and aspects and powers and even enjoyments you had never realized before.

IT's horrible right now. Recovery would be a long, hellish ordeal and probably would fail anyway after years of pain. You're on a better path to really heal. In a few months or a year, you'll look back and see how much better it was to get a fresh start without that in your life. Congratulations on the first steps to getting excised a very large tumor.

The pain you are going through is quite normal and you will make it out the other end. Dealing with abondonement is never easy and it takes a lot of courage to make decisions - which is what you have been doing. A lot of the times doing the right thing is the most difficult but we all make it to the other side, somehow though, knowing we did what we should have done. Keep posting, and hang in there, you will find some support and comfort here and the pain will eventually get under control and subside over weeks and months.

Thank you everyone for your support. I do read each individual post and this community has helped me immensely during what is undoubtedly the most fkd up thing that's happened in my life to date.

The pure betrayal... no, I think user burcm said it best; "abandonment" -- is what is hardest to cope with. I've never put my absolute trust, devotion, and love into anything before like I did my marriage. I was always that guy who never committed to anything, aside from when I joined the military. And now, to have it ripped away like it was...

Funny thing is, I'm not the most hurt about the cheating. I know I should be, but I'm not. What really stings the most is she's actively choosing OM over me, like I'm just an old toy that got tossed in the trash for something new and shiny. And to know that things can never -ever- go back to the way things were when I was totally and completely happy... yeah, now that's what's devastating.

When she came and got the dog last night, like I said in my other post, I only told her to come pick him up so I could see her again. I asked her point-blank, "could we work this out?" Her answer was IDK. So yeah, she's done. She doesn't want to put in the work anymore. It's just incomprehensible to me how you can invest so much emotional love into one person and be rewarded by having your heart ripped out, lit on fire, and pissed on.

I know the road to recovery is long and hard, but I'm so tired already. I'm just so tired you guys.

You are projecting your feelings of love onto her but that’s not how she feels about you.

IDK means no but she’s a coward and doesn’t want to tell you to your face.

Use her guilt to your advantage and get as much as you can now. You deserve it. And you’ll need it!!!!! She’s put you in a bad spot.

Sorry man but the longer you stay attached to her the longer you stay where you are.

The only one keeping you where you are now will be you.

I'm just so tired you guys.

Pessimism is not good. Try to detach. get pissed off the way you were dealt with. The W who supposedly love you is gone and waht you see is a differen woman.

Even if you want to stiil R show indifference - she will be intrigued. Cheater need the attention of BS to fully enjoy cheating.

You were in the army - so you tranined in endurance - both physical and mental. put that hat on. You are facing a kind of a strong enemy here - partly her partly your heart.

Now you have you family - parents and siblings right?. They do not judge you or abondon you for a better son or brother - that is true familly.

Marriage is a kind of a business deal. There is always a possiblity that it can be broken for a better deal.

So get close with your family that do not judge you during this difficult time and get help until you recover

[This message edited by goalong at 11:07 AM, October 30th (Monday)]

In your posts you have already figured out how to help yourself. You spoke a couple of times about felling better until you talk to her and then it drags you back down. That is good that you can see that pattern. Now is the time to go NC on her. She has the dog so you have no reason to talk to her. Start helping yourself here and just stay away from her, stay away from all social media and start healing.

why do you subject yourself to such pain ??

Still begging her to work it out ?

Stand up and defend yourself , man

Look to your future now. It’s a perfect time for you to enroll in college, etc and get a good career started.

Make some lemonade man!!!!!

things can never -ever- go back to the way things were when I was totally and completely happy... yeah, now that's what's devastating.

No they cannot go back but they can go forward. You can go forward. So start doing for you what you need to do to get the energy you need to move into the next chapter.

Once you start doing for yourself you'll start to feel better. You will think less about her and more about what is good, interesting, helpful, loving in your life. There are many things you can do to start to feel better and try not to be afraid of that.

Her IDK is a hanging answer as in it can leave you hanging; leave you waiting. Do your best to not give in to that temptation--waiting, hoping, hoping and waiting while time passes and you're not doing for you. Some of us when abandoned think there might be a better chance of their returning if we don't do anything more than mourn their loss. It's almost like a superstition. If that in any way is you try not to give into that way of thinking. Do for you. Do whatever it takes to get yourself feel good with life again.

Dude, you are so young 30's is the new 20s. Once you start dating again you will forget your unfaithful cheating ex-wife completely. Give her to dog back and move to your parents house and start looking for work. In my neighbor there are a few guys in there 30s living with their parents, one is just 3 doors down from me. He works has a fancy 4x4 truck and I always she a sexy looking female with him. If you stay in that apartment it will be harder to heal. Give her the dog pack your stuff and move back in with your folks. Change your phone number so she can't contact. Ask your parents to hire a divorce attorney and start the process. Your unfaithful chesting soon to be ex-wife has done you a huge favor, she has shown you exactly who she is, a cheater, and you can NOT have a happy healthy relationship with a cheater.

For now I've chosen to stay in the apartment in the new city. I took down all the photos etc. just went to the doctor today and got a prescription for the smallest dose of xanax to help me sleep and some other crap to help me focus. Have been doing internet resumes, but the actual door pulling job hunt will start tomorrow when I go down to the beach and cruise the restaurants and bars.

I really don't want to move back in with the folks because it's only 1 parent who lives with friends and it's not the most positive environment. My plan at this point is to find work, go to school, and find someone to have a casual hookup with. Idk if that's healthy or not but whatever.

Will still have to keep in contact for CS for at least the first of the month for bills or something...

Please ensure you have a lawyer that will help you get spousal support for a good period of time and if you are still on her healthcare find an IC to work with you through this difficult period.

You are a strong and young man with years of happiness ahead of you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:13 PM, October 31st (Tuesday)]

This week ON TV I was listening to a NY congressman who is involved a gov funded skill training progarm for skilled technicians - electricians, welder, plumbers etc. He said three welders who went through the progran earned 99, 126 and 146k last year.

As said put in place a financial agreement with WW . But do not push POS ww to change her mind. More you do less attractive you become to her

[This message edited by goalong at 12:30 PM, October 31st (Tuesday)]

Thank you.

She has been giving in the sense of giving me $$ for anything needed, texted if I need more cash for stuff, etc. There's never been an argument or confrontation about money--yet.

Honestly though, I still haven't paid for a lawyer. I've talked to a few, but I can't afford to have her served yet. I talked to the realtor about the house and we can't sell it until Jul 2018 legally, so there goes that option.

I do have 18 more months of paid VA benefits for college. I'm thinking I should start applying for scholarships for colleges out of state and see if I can live on campus, etc.. just become that older college student and start a new life for myself that way.

I've come a long way since my first post, mentally.. hell... even the last couple of days. I actually feel like I'm starting to heal somewhat. I'm much more accepting of the situation how it is, I don't feel in complete disarray and despair anymore. Now I just need that motivation / kick in the ass to get out there tomorrow and start looking for a job--anything in the short term to have some income coming in.

Thank you again everyone for all your support and advice, warnings and well wishes thus far. I will keep updating over time

Hope everyone has a happy Halloween that celebrates it

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 12:27 PM, October 31st (Tuesday)]