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Ok, you are ignoring the advice of everyone of the experienced members of this forum.

So just the night before you were due for the most important talk of your marriage your wife slept with another man for the very first time.

We spoke on the phone tonight at 6:30. We talked for 40 minutes. I’m not going to lie to you guys, the first thing that she did was she admitted she slept with him last night. Open till that point there had been no physical contact like that. She has been pretty honest with me in those regards

.

She is either lying about this being the first time or is a despicable person to sleep with him the night before you were due to have your discussion. That's a lose lose for you.

However, if you must continue to ignore the wisdom on this forum, then please be aware that:

- she is almost certainly going to be with him during that month

- she is just biding her time to see if her Plan A is really the person she thinks he is

- she is most likely getting her ducks in order for the divorce

- she has abused and disrespected you and continues to do so

So please steel yourself while you give her this chance. Stay strong and neutral when you talk to her. Be nice, be friendly and show her that you accept that you could have been a better husband. However, explain that in no way excuses her betrayal. Not one jot.

Also explain that you will be strong and you will offer her the opportunity for reconciliation if she does not betray you further but that will depend on all the elements needed for remorse as many have explained here.

If you are to follow this ill advised path you must show her your strength and inform her that you will no longer tolerate her disrespect. You must be prepared to walk away and you must show her this. If you are not, she will know and further abuse your trust.

I have to admit that I find it very strange that you should come onto this forum and ignore all the advice you are given, for whatever reason.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 6:29 PM, October 13th (Friday)]

Feels,

Dude,

Your 1st priority is getting a job and financially independent. You would probably boot her a33 to the curb if you had a good paying job. Also you are young, you have a long life ahead, plenty of time to find a soulmate.

If you move back in with the source of your pain while trying to find a career path that is going to be difficult. She is probably not going to be able to stop the affair, especially since she will be seeing him everyday, so you are going to be left all alone in the apartment all day with your mind all screwed up worrying she is giving him a handjob in the parking lot at work.

I would highly recommend that you stay at your parent's house and get busy figuring out a career path and take action on that ASAP. Don't worry about filing for divorce, or what she is doing, start fixing your life so you can be financially independent. That is what you need to be doing, that needs to be your only focus.

I'm confused about this whole thing. First you say you are totally blindsided, and thought everything was perfect. Now you're saying you failed her as a man, didn't pay attention to her, etc etc. Either it was perfect and you were blindsided, or it wasn't and you were letting this happen.

Since you are willing to accept her cheating because you don't want to make her give up her lucrative "dream job", I'm going to go out on a limb and say you are willing to just hang back and hope she throws you some scraps because you think that's all you deserve.

A. If things were "perfect" and you were blindsided, you're making excuses for her. There is no excuse for cheating. That's number 1.

B. if all the above is true, you absolutely have every right to make her quit that job as a requirement of reconciliation. The fact that it's her dream job is irrelevant. She screwed that up for herself by shitting where she eats, if you recall the phrase.

C. The biggest problem I see here is that I haven't heard that she wants to give him up or reconcile, only that she wants you back in that town? What the hell is that? And if she doesn't want to R, then who the hell cares what she wants?

Respectfully, I think you're setting yourself up for more pain, and she's going to let you.

If your wife continues to work with a man she has had sex with, if she continues to see him everyday at work, she will never get him out of her mind.

R is doomed to fail if she stays in her current job. She cannot go "no contact" while working with him.

If she is serious about R, she should have offered to find another job. If you expect true R, you cannot be OK with her continuing to work around him.

Get her to sign a quit claim deed for the house and tell her you are divorcing her so she can be happy. Is that not what true love means? That you want her to be happy even if it means you are not in her life?

Her sleeping with him the night before you were to talk speaks volumes bout her true feelings. She is focused on HER wants, your feelings were not even considered.

Wake up. Quit being the martyr. Do you really want to stay with a woman who can trash your marriage after knowing another man for only two months?

IHS,

TimSC is right, apart form full transparency, a complete NC is needed before any R can start.

As long as your WW has any contact whatsoever, you will not be bale to even think about R.

A remorseful WS would do anything to help the BS heal (note I am not using WW/WH or BW/BH, as this applies to both genders). Quitting their job would be one of the things that should be 'easy' to do. I know it is easier saud than done, but if you look at it on the long run, a good M can last a lifetime, but a job will not last your lifetime.

When you thought all was good ww betrayed you.

Now you know that its not all good but somehow you expect ww to not again betray you?

Its called a slippery slope for a reason. Its easier to never smoke than it is to quit. Her telling him 'no' now will be harder than it was to say no originally. Many WS get sucked back into an affair, often many times. This is why nc is so vital.

Its why the common wisdom is that if there is contact the affair continues.

Put another way, for a little extra money and because you are afraid ww will choose job over you ... You are enabling her affair and doing the pick me dance.

She's got to leave that job or your m is basically done.

Just to be absolutely clear:

1. The marriage is already done. She made a very conscious decision to choose her boyfriend.

2. The above needs to be articulated as such because at this point if there is ever to be a R it needs to be approached from a "I can find trust in this person again and they are putting forward 100 billion percent to convince me that starting a *new* relationship with me is a good idea"

3. If you feel good about a 30 minute phonecall just understand she has spend at a minimum giving her boyfriend hours and hours of the same "courtesy". It is NOT a feather in your bonnet.

Hold on here!!

The M is not done!!

I was in his shoes. In his position. My H told me numerous times he wanted a D. If course he wasn't honest in telling me why (OW) but I wasn't surprised after he admitted to an A at DDay1. Yes my H admitted it b/c he was trying to do the right thing.

So for a few months I tried to be loving and kind. He continued the A (deeply underground) and at DDay2 I was blindsided.

And then the you know what got Real

I told him (as in my previous post on this thread) get out and I would be D him.

And we have recovered and reconciled and move on from the A. However it saddens me I ever had to say those words to him.

But some things just cannot be helped. My H was in the A fog and became someone I did not recognize.

But the balance of power is restored in our M and has made some positive changes.

And Feels - please know you did not do a thing to cause her A. Please know the cheater will try to blame you. Do not allow this.

I always felt loved by my H - was he perfect? No. But he was a good person and very respectful and kind. Am I perfect? No. But I loved him and he knew it and I was a good person and respected him.

He had no reason to cheat except selfishness and ego.

Same with your wife - she chose to cheat b/c she wanted to

I hope it works out for you if she is willing to commit to the M.

It took my H two tries to come to his senses. If I had listened to others I shoukd have D him at DDay1. But I was stupid and made the typical mistakes - but at DDay2 he had to prove himself for a very long time.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:34 AM, October 16th (Monday)]

I agree with Sharkman. This marriage is toast. IMO, she doesn't deserve a second chance. OP keeps caving and stringing himself out but if she is capable of doing this to him now, how can she ever be trusted again ?

I believe OP should file and move on.

Move to that other city and start over.

God forbid he stays with her and they have kids and she does this to him then.

OP blames himself too much. This affair is not his fault. However, right now, he is spinning his wheels trying to placate her rather than defending himself.

I wish he would start listening to the majority of posters here

The1stwife,

The marriage is 100% done. She unilaterally ended it in as conscious as a way as she could.

Proper reconciliation is the admission that the wayward ended the marriage and then the wayward doing everything in his/her power to create a new, trusting relationship.

It’s all in the approach.

Feels,

I don't post much anymore, but I wanted to address a few points you made. For the record, my wife had a 2 month emotional affair which turned into a 3 month physical affair. It is over 2 years later and we are in R. So yes, R is possible.

However, the only reason R has been even remotely possible is that my wife was all in practically immediately. It took a couple of weeks for the full fog to lift, but she went No Conracr immediately, started IC (MC is useless in the beginning - that comes later), and did a host of other things. Basically she worked her ass off on herself and on doing whatever she could for our family and for me so I could heal.

R is hard. Hardest thing I've ever done. The emotional roller coaster is real and your head and heart are all over the place. But it's not a one man show. It takes two people, willing to give 100% every single day for R to even have a shot at success.

I am not telling you not to have hope. What I am now telling you is that your wife is currently not a candidate for R.

Chain of events: she swears she didn't sleep with him. You agree to have probably the most important conversation about the state of your marriage and the night before she sleeps with the guy??? Of course she lied about not sleeping with him before. I don't believe your wife would be that cruel. But the fact is, that should tell you what her mindset is regarding your marriage. She doesn't value it.

Now, you proposed MC. What did she propose? Agreeing to go NC? Okay, how would that work? How would you know? What you do know is that she lies (as all cheaters do) and has slept with him. What heavy lifting does she want to do to help your marriage?

What does the one month do for you? MC is useless. I'm serious. I'm still in MC but that's after months of IC. By the time you get to anything tangible, your month will be over. And besides, you'd be addressing symptoms, not root causes. For someone who didn't have $500 to file, don't throw your money in the toilet.

The one month you offered is because your heart hasn't accepted what your head is telling you. You don't want to divorce her. She's your wife. But Your wife is not the same person you married. The marriage as you knew it is over. Doesn't mean you can't have a marriage with her again, but not with the woman she is right now. So how can you change her? Sorry. You can't. It must come from her. That's the sad truth.

So the only thing you can do is work on yourself. Help yourself. And the way to do that is get out of infidelity. I agree, some folks push divorce immediately. What I would say is that if you had a wife who was remorseful, quit her job, begged to stay in the marriage, went to IC, established NC, surrendered all electronic devices and passwords, etc., then yeah, give R a shot. I did. But in your case, you've got nothing to work with other than your own fears of the future. File for D. Have her served. She's chosen. Maybe she'll wake up, maybe not.

Question: What if she says to you that she loves you so so much, but she also loves OM, so...when she's home she'll be with you, but at work she'll sleep with OM? You cool with that as a permanent arrangement? Sorry, but that is exactly what she's proposing except she hasn't verbalized it. And that is what you are in for.

In my 2+ years here, having seen hundreds of cases and stories, I have yet to see any kind of successful R without NC and significant remorse and actions on the part of the WS. This is not jaded advice. This is the advice of experience and knowledge. From folks who are trying to help. We cannot control you, just like you cannot control your wife. You will choose your path just as she will choose hers. We are rooting for you. Whether your M survives or not is secondary. This is not Surviving Marriage. It's Surviving Infinitely. That what we're trying to help you with.

Good luck.

again agreed with Sharkman and Walloped

I think we all agree thst if he mans up and stands up and takes control of the situation - he may have a fighting chance.

That was my original point. Until I became a biatch and told my CH to get out - who knows where we would be.

But I think making a blanket statement the M is over is hard to understand. The BS does need to make some changes to get the ball rolling towards having his CS end the Affair. I know that is right. 180 is required. Getting plan B in place is crucial in case of no reconciliation. Attorney. Counseling. Support team in place. AND a clear understanding to the CS that the behavior and A is no longer tolerated.

I agree that in most cases you cannot love and "nice" the CS back. But if I had thrown my CH out at DDay1 - who knows what would have happened. Maybe we would be D. Maybe there would not have been a DDay2. But I gave him they "her or me" ultimatum 3 weeks after DDay1. He chose me but after 2 weeks I knew it was a lie and two months later the A resumed.

But since my H ended the A a few days before DDay2 - he himself made the decision to R. My throwing him out just made it that more real for him that he screwed up our M and he needed to work as hard as he could to even get me to R.

So I still say if the BS does what needs to get done AND the CS is committed to R - the M is not yet done!!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:56 PM, October 16th (Monday)]

I agree that we are in material agreement. The way that I word it the way we do is that we have a large issue with betrayeds "clinging" to a marriage. By articulating that the wayward unilaterally ended it I've found it easier to shift the discussion from "what could have been" to "what needs to happen".

If I could wave a magic wand and apply it to every new wayward I'd have them:

1. Understand that the marriage that they knew it is gone forever. The discussion is can a new one get built in the event that the wayward starts down the path of true remorse and that the betrayed is in a position to receive it.

2. Use exposure early and heavy. Easily the best tool that many of our waywards are hesistant to use.

Using this case as an example, he does not have a remorseful spouse at this time. She may be showing some early signs of regret. The only diagnosis that can be used here is one whereby he protects himself by having her served. Having her served means that he maintains some semblance of protection, but it's also the best tool to "wake her up".

Right now she may come home and give him lip service, but we all know that her and her boyfriend will be continuing their relationship. What we're trying to give him are the tools to simply state "This is what *I* believe marriage to be and these items I will not compromise on".

Ithasfeels... I sincerely want to thank you for your service. I genuinely admire the strength and courage it takes to put your life on the line for the rest of us. It speaks volumes about your character as a man in my opinion.

I agree with the poster who suggested you stay elsewhere while finding employment. I think think that's a really constuctive suggestion, and a great first step, because you will be able to do so without the distraction of it being about someone else. Who knows. It may change the dynamic in your relationship, and worst case, if it doesn't, you will need to support yourself anyway and you'll be taking some of your power back.

Just thought I would come back here to update everyone.. as well as just put all my stuff out there..

1. That weekend we had was great. Great sex, talked about R, she was all in. We talked the most on Oct 15th, where she revealed to me we didn't have fun anymore. We don't laugh anymore (completely false). She pretty much was leading me to believe [looking back] that she didn't see a future with me, and that she could envision herself with OM

2. Monday rolls around and she sees him at work (it just so happens to be a team building day), goes out with her entire team after work for pizza and drinks. He's there. Part of our agreement was NC and I tell her that. I flip my shit, she gets pissed and says she can't do it anymore.

3. She comes home (after I practically beg her because we need closure, she can't just keep leaving without talking) and I ask her to lay on the bed and talk to me. She lays on my chest and we talk it all out. She wants a divorce, she loves him. We talk about what we will do with the house, how my living situation will work, and all the bills etc. I can't remember everything that was said, I just told her I was scared of the future without her (which is true) and as I walked her out to the car she was crying very heavily and said "I will think about you every day." She kept hugging me for what felt like forever. Eventually I break down and tell her "just go" and walk inside.

So, all the advice was right. It was doomed just like [mostly] everyone said. That was what...2 weeks ago? Since then she's been at OM's house and I saw her last on Oct 19th so she could give me our apartment mailbox key.

I've been staying at our apartment looking for work. I have something lined up for Monday, Oct 30th. For now, I'm still in the New City. I don't have much to go back to in the Old City. She has agreed to pay all the rent and all the bills as if she's still living here.

Why did I come back to the forums? Truth is, I just wanted to tell everyone that the advice was right. I was wrong. I wanted to save my marriage, but it's not possible. The only way it would ever be possible is if I just let her do her thing for however long and I did my own thing and somehow we come back together... I don't see that happening. I do want her back, but at the same time I feel like I'm a piece of trash she just threw away when she found something better.

These last 2 weeks I've just been utterly devastated. I've been abusing pills to feel nothing while I look for work. I've been out of those for 3 days. I've been googling suicide... it's very hard to cope.

Last night we were texting, almost talking normal, and I asked her to come pick-up the dog. It's her dog and even though I love him, he just reminds me of her. I've known her forever, so I could tell something was up. Turns out she's just been getting high the whole time (we both used to smoke together but haven't since we came to the New City). I think that's how she's dealing, she's just ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away.

The strange thing is, we went from Oct 20-25 without any contact at all and I was starting to feel better. Then she text me out of the blue and asked "How are you? How is <Dog>?" That just opened up the floodgates again for my feelings.

She's supposed to come by today to pick up the dog. Last night when we were texting I asked if she had talked to our realtor about selling the house or spoke with a divorce attorney. Her words: "No, I haven't been able to stomach it. I'm sorry." She told me she would handle it all and I stupidly agreed. But now, I guess it's time I push it.

--Problems--

1. I'm flat broke. $50 to my name.

2. I feel stuck in this New City until I speak to the realtor about getting the renters out of our house and putting it up for sale.

3. I'm very unstable right now, very seriously have been considering suicide (though I'm going to the doctor on Monday to tell them all this and see if I can get on antidepressants)

4. The apartment is 1 bedroom/1 bath, everything in this place reminds me of us and there's nowhere to put it.

5. Part of the reason I'm asking her to pickup the dog is so I can see her one last time. Pathetic.

6. Her dad text me yesterday and ask how we are doing. He still thinks we're working toward R. I sent her an image of the text and asked her to handle it.

7. The "social media" stigma situation... neither of us have changed any profile pics, relationship status, etc. Probably so we don't draw attention to ourselves. So stupid, I know, but that's a thing nowadays. As soon as all that changes everyone knows your business, and right now I don't feel like explaining anything to anyone.

8.The night she left, I asked her to leave her wedding ring. I still have it, the cost at the time was worth $2k, as well as her diamond earrings which were $1k. Should I just sell those? Do I legally have to keep them idk.

I guess that's all I have for now. It's painful to re-read my previous posts because despite how it may seem I NEVER talk about my feelings. I'm obviously unstable as f* from all of this. Feels like I've had my soul ripped out and I don't have a purpose anymore. So depressed, etc.

Anyway... you guys were right... thanks for the advice...

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 9:26 AM, October 29th (Sunday)]

Ask her for spousel support. No need to feel embarassed. She draged you through all this and then dropped you like a piece of trash. You have a right to get support from her until you settle down. Get angry (positively) about what happened and try to do your best and improve whatever lacking in you that led to this. What happen to you is nothing compared other calamities people face

[This message edited by goalong at 9:32 AM, October 29th (Sunday)]

I am so sorry Ithasfeels. What you have been through is brutal. I just want to say please hang on, it will get better, you will move on to a much better, much freer life. Right now, please focus on taking care of you.

You already have shown so much courage coming here and posting, especially when you are not used to talking about your feelings.

If you are thinking about self-harming, please please get help, a suicide prevention hotline, 1-800-273-8255. Free and confidential. You are so much bigger than what she did to you. You have already faced and overcome the worst of the trauma.

Do not see her again.

Sending you strength and peace.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Tell yourself that every time that you think about it. Do not ever give her that much power over you. You have people in your life who love and care about you dude. Don't do that to them.

It's time you man up and get angry. I'm glad you've realized it's over. She's a disgusting person for what she's done to you. She doesn't deserve you. She's going to be miserable again soon and jump to another piece of shit as soon as she gets comfortable with this one and he becomes boring, and they don't "have fun anymore".

The good news for you: there are 8 billion people in the world and over half of them are women. Men have a hard time taking their SO's off of the pedestal they put them on. I guarantee you she's not the prize you think she is.

Get a job. Immediately. Stop abusing pills. Live your life right. Re-read the 180. Follow it to the T. Don't be there when she comes to get the dog. Don't let her know you're miserable. Don't let her know she's getting to you.

The best revenge is living well. Tell her she needs to start giving you spousal support until you find a job. Go see an attorney. FILE FOR DIVORCE! Nothing will snap her the fuck out of this fog like those papers. Have her served at work. Change your damn status on Facebook and let everyone know that she's a cheater. She's going to be mad at you. She's going to be mad you are ruining the fairy tale she's got going on right now. Sell the damn rings. Tell her you lost them. Even if you got back together, she doesn't deserve to wear the old ring anyway. The old marriage is dead.

Get out and work out, go on walks, surround yourself with your friends. Focus on anything else other than the situation. If you aren't working, volunteer somewhere. Do something to get your mind off of her.

Find some new women. Go on dating sites. Go on dates. Open your eyes to the fact that there are plenty of other women who are faithful.

Go see an attorney. Fuck her. Live well.

Most importantly, don't kill yourself over this piece of garbage.

We will never take solace in "being right". This sucks and we are and will be by your side 100%.

Your next step is to go 100% no contact. Do not respond to her texts, if she wants the dog then find a way to transfer it to her without seeing her. You are on a slippery slope and it's ONE HUNDRED PERCENT manipulation on her part.

That night she did not go out for pizza and drinks. She was with him deciding their future. That's the ONLY way that a wayward makes a definitive call about moving out right then and there.

YOU NEED TO SPEAK WITH A LAWYER. EVEN IF YOU NEED TO WALK TO THE CLOSEST ONE WHO WILL GIVE FREE ADVICE YOU NEED TO SPEAK WITH A LAWYER.

Again, we have your back 100000%. You are assuredly in an awful place and unfortunately for us and fortunately for you you are in a place where most everyone here has been in your exact same shoes.