SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And I'm a little disappointed that you didn't respond to my analogy again. I can only guess it's because you know in your heart you would cut the psychologically wounded war vet some some slack for his inappropriate behavior over the guy who was just having a bad day like the rest of us.

I know you weren't addressing me, but I feel like you missed the point. I don't think anyone is saying they don't understand why a BS would make that decision. Wounded people do things they might not do, might even know are wrong, if they think it will lessen the pain. And I have compassion for those people.

My husband cheated on me after I did. I have no opinion on who's was worse because honestly, I don't care. If you think what I did was worse, I can live with that. The issue is the people that say there is nothing wrong with a RA at all. Who think it is completely justifiable, that the WS deserves it and the BS is entitled to it. Like I said before, my husband may or may not think what he did was not as bad as what I did, he at one point compared what I did to murder and what he did to manslaughter. I don't think he thinks that anymore, but even if he did, whatever. What matters to me is that he regrets what he did. He wish he hadn't done it. He sees the damage it caused and has remorse for it. He's apologized many times. Without remorse, we wouldn't have made it.

I understand why RA's happen. But I don't understand people who are reconciling and feel zero remorse for doing it. It's an eye for an eye mentality and that's not how I want to live my life.

What a tangled conversation, truly....

I think everyone posting here "gets" the understanding thing.

I think the root of resistence is with the defense of the actions and the entitlement to do so.

It, the RA, reeks of poor coping skills. If you need external validation about the quality of your personhood, that's an issue. If I were to be cheated on now, I would walk period because I'm worth so much more and I wouldn't jump in bed with someone else to feel better about myself because how I view myself would not change at all.

It's odd to me, (and I already know that I'm odd) that people take such pride in sex. Animals do it every day successfully. I can't imagine in what scenario you'd post to facebook or put on your resume, "I successfully had sex". That part is kind of a no brainer.

If you want/need to sleep with other people, then leave your marriage. I think sleeping with others before the ink is dry on your divorce is a personal decision that I do not judge. It's what works for the individual.

I do not believe (though we've had heated conversations) Randy falls into RA, even if that's what he chooses to call it. He was done with the marriage. Maybe hadn't filed, but he'd made a decision.

What I'm referring to is when you chose to stay in the marriage and an RA is part of the deal. That's very eye for an eye. I believe revenge is best left to the universe or God. Not my job, nor would I want that pressure.

For every one theme you can see in this topic, there a million you can not until you start digging, like catching night crawlers for fishing. Probably best to agree to disagree. After all I do not have to live with any else's choices or opinions and neither do you.

I do not know if it is helpful but I asked about this topic previously. I have received some valuable feedback if you want to click on my previous post.

Disclaimer: I am not much a huge fan of them either and I have never engaged into A or RA. However, I wanted to raise one aspect in defense of RA.

First, RA are way more "honest" from a BS in relationship to a WS. RA are generally not hidden and there are significantly fewer lies involved. A RA does not come as a complete surprise unlike an initial A when a WS drops a bombshell on a BS and their marriage.

Second, right, wrong or indifferent: a RA gives a chance a WS to fully understand how it feels when your spouse is cheating on you and F*** another person. If a WS does not understand or compartmentalizes then this experience completely allows him/her to fully feel how it feels. especially if a WS wants to work on the marriage.

Third, there is no doubt that a RA allows a BS to have a confidence boost (albeit temporary) and come to terms that "now that we are fully equal we can decide on an open marriage, D or R" because we stand on the same level.

Fourth, a RA is more merciful on a betrayed spouses because it allows them to be "unstuck" with a pleading WS who often guilt a BS into keeping a marriage.

I just want to know your honest opinion about it and just to see both sides of the coin as RA not just all negative and no positive. Generally, there are good and bad sides for every event that a person experiences (except maybe a death of a child, parent or a spouse) so RA are no exception either.

I'm not sure I agree with 3 or 4. It depends on how you get your self worth. It depends on how you get your validation.

So if a person gets something good out if each experience what is the good thing the WS gets from the original affair? Is it important for the WS to feel the same as the BS? Do you want your spouse to feel as hurt as you do? And that's the road to a good marriage?

"Is it important for the WS to feel the same as the BS?"

Sometimes it might be very important because how otherwise will a WS "be able to get it"?

"Do you want your spouse to feel as hurt as you do?"

Sometimes it is required. In other words the medicine might taste quite bitter.

"And that's the road to a good marriage?"

There are many roads and each chooses differently.

Sometimes it might be very important because how otherwise will a WS "be able to get it"?

You can only "get something" if you personally experience it? I am sorry, I am not buying that justification...at all.

You can only "get something" if you personally experience it?

Don't we hear that all the time, when BS's try to relate their pain to others (not necessarily their spouse) that unless they experienced the pain of infidelity, they just don't get it. That's understandable and just human nature.

I am a little surprised the reluctance to want to make your cheater feel that pain. Lots more forgiving people than me.

I'm pretty surprised at the number of people who are willing and wanting to bring the sheer agony, pain and grief that we experienced as BS's onto the WS, the person they claim to love. I'm sorry, I can't wrap my head around that kind of love.

edited: for clarity

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:49 PM, November 23rd (Thursday)]

She didn't care about my pain, why should I care about hers? That's the difference btw having a remorseful cheater and a remorseless cheater. If her reaction had been different, my response would have been different.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 9:05 PM, November 23rd (Thursday)]

It's nowhere near the same type of pain, first of all. It's not a blind side.

[This message edited by SilverLinings55 at 1:24 PM, January 26th (Friday)]

Yea SL. I was in the awkward position of wanting to salvage our family but not wanting to be a cuck. But honestly salvaging anything was a joke at that point. I just wanted to hurt the bitch, but its hard to do that when they are remorseless. Of course, looking back, I should have just divorced her right away, but I wasn't willing to be a part time dad so it took some time to get me to that point. Hell, I was even thinking about living is some messed up situation of us being roommates until our kid graduated in 10 years.

Anyways, it all worked out the way it had to and it's all water under the bridge at this point. You live, you learn and you move on.

Randy, I definitely understand the sentiment. I'd have probably been more apt to want to make her understand my pain if I hadn't convinced myself how amazing this chance at a new life I had was. You know, the whole "silver linings" thing and all.

When we started R (at that point, her OM had thrown her under the bus after I threatened him and he lost his family, and she "coincidentally" realized everything she'd thrown away), I was 1,000% doing it just to be around my kids and viewed it as a situation I wanted to just maintain until they were older. But she did do a deep dive into treatment and we've been cool to each other, so it's been "okay" I guess. The kid thing is the biggest part, as you know. That'd be the ONLY reason I wanted to try, so I can't say I'm unhappy with R working out fairly well. But what I have now is a beautifully polished turd, really. What she did is always there (although dday was only in February so who knows if I'll one day feel differently).

On the other hand, it seems clear that you had to do what ended up happening.

But yeah, the "cucking" shit is a MASSIVE consideration. Even if she was legit remorseful the very second dday happened, I'm sure I'd still have viewed us as over at the time. At a minimum, I'd have needed to have an "RA", not because I wanted to hurt her, but because I couldn't live with myself. I'd have felt so pathetic.

And no, I didn't use anyone. The woman I dated was independent and had a shitload more money than me, and was clearly just enjoying having a younger, in-shape boy toy who had the personality of a zombie and did everything she asked, and I was all too happy to abide.

I am a Mad Hatter and the truly sad part that I found out is this; You simply CANNOT hurt them as you were hurt, they aren't invested in the marriage anymore. They simply don't care. The pain inflicted is minimal compared to the pain you experienced because they had already left with their heart or were about to.