SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

shocked at the many posters who feel a RA is ok for the BS. that the BS should do anything they want to heal and if that includes fucking someone else then go for it. like this would take away any pain or put the BS on the path for healing. like the BS now has carte blanche to do whatever they need to do.

I've never seen it so prevalent as I have the last couple weeks.

in my head it's just another affair, justified by pain that can't be handled in a healthy way.

I agree with you sewardak.

I personally don't recommend an RA nor do I think it fixes the problem. I even agree that it's a sign of emotional instability and bad coping skills. Lord knows I was emotionally unstable on DDay when I had mine and my coping skills were all flattened. I do object to the idea that the person having the RA is just as bad as the person who initially cheated. That makes no sense to me at all, but I suppose we can agree to disagree on that.

***posting as a member***

I do object to the idea that the person having the RA is just as bad as the person who initially cheated.

To me, if a BS gets to blame their WS and use them as an excuse to cheat, then the WS gets to also point the finger at the BS as the reason why they originally cheated in the first place. On this site, the WS is held accountable for their choice to cheat. So should the BS.

I completely agree with that, lieshurt.

Either it's ok to justify cheating or it's not. It's interesting that so many people here find it ok in SOME cases (i.e. THEIR situation) but not in others.

To me, if a BS gets to blame their WS and use them as an excuse to cheat, then the WS gets to also point the finger at the BS as the reason why they originally cheated in the first place. On this site, the WS is held accountable for their choice to cheat. So should the BS.

The original WS cheated while the marriage vows were intact. The original WS is in fact in an open marriage, they just haven't informed their spouse about that. I don't say it's "right", but it certainly isn't the same crime when the BS finally realizes that he or she has been in an open marriage for all that time and acts accordingly.

Either it's ok to justify cheating or it's not.

It's not about justifying it for me. I wasn't right to do it. I'm not thrilled about it. It was in fact rather traumatic for me to be that out of my head in anguish and pain that day.

Never said it was the right thing to do. It just wasn't REMOTELY the same crime as what my WH did.

He coldly and calculatedly sought out and paid drug addicted prostitutes for sex for at least 8 months. Lied, snuck around, exposed me to god only knows STDs he could have contracted.

I found out he had slept with "many" women during what I thought was a really good marriage, lost my shit altogether, and had a quick RA that I not only didn't repeat but will not repeat.

Sorry, it's not equal.

I don't say it's "right", but it certainly isn't the same crime when the BS finally realizes that he or she has been in an open marriage for all that time and acts accordingly.

It actually is the same crime, divorce courts and judges disagree with you (in states that let you file on those grounds anyway). Adultery is adultery if you are still married.

A divorce lawyer will actually tell you that. In fact since I didn't D my XWW after DDay, I couldn't file on grounds of adultery. But you know what my lawyer did warn me of...she said I should not date or sleep with anyone until the PSA is signed because my XWW could then turn around and file on grounds of adultery against me.

So not only is an RA a bad idea for other reasons, legally it can literally fuck a BS out of a favorable D settlement by allowing the WS to file under adultery against the BS. doesn't matter that the WS cheated first. Sucks but no one said the law was fair.

ETA: my post was meant to point out some legal stuff i learned during my D,not personally directed at you devastated even though I responded to you.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:17 PM, November 16th (Thursday)]

Either it's ok to justify cheating or it's not.

once the WS decided to cheat, there is no more commitment to that relationship. It was ruined by the WS.

You can't hold onto something that the other person in the relationship threw away. It doesnt work that way.

I'm just more understanding of it. I lost my mind for a few days after the most recent d day. I've never had a RA and never would, but I think a bs is really vulnerable to making bad decisions in the short term after discovery.

Also, I can imagine situations where they initially plan to divorce before changing their mind and having a "rebound" thinking they are done with their marriage and deciding to R.

For the record, I think RA are wrong and a mistake but I think they are more forgiveable.i don't think it's nearly as heinous as it is to lead a loving partner to think they are in a safe, monogamous relationship when they are not.

Thanks for this thread

once the WS decided to cheat, there is no more commitment to that relationship. It was ruined by the WS.

You can't hold onto something that the other person in the relationship threw away. It doesnt work that way.

Agreed. You can choose to hold onto the vows, but that's for your own sake and dignity, not theirs. They are no longer entitled to your fidelity.

ETA: my post was meant to point out some legal stuff i learned during my D,not personally directed at you devastated even though I responded to you

It was good info to have out there!

I don't feel it's healthy or right either, but as someone who has been experiencing extreme PTSD symptoms for the past year, I can absolutely say that if I chose to sleep with someone thinking that could help me heal I would not be a bad person. I'd be wrong, but it's not the same. It's just not.

I'll give you an example:

A normal everyday person wakes up and decides to wave a gun around and threaten to kill people. Maybe he was disappointed about something.. didn;t get paid on time.. whatever. Normal every day stuff that all of us deal with.

Let's say another person did the same thing, except you learn it is a service member who just came back from war and has major PTSD after being continually shot at for long periods of time. Let's say he doesn't want to hurt anyone but is confused and just wants the pain to stop.

It's apples to oranges. Both are not ok.

I also personally struggle with "feeling married" since d day. I feel apathetic about my wedding. Feel like the vows were a lie.

I'm not into casual sex so a revenge affair just isn't something I would want to do. I've only ever been with my spouse and should I ever have sex with another person, I want it to be special. It has more to do with my values as a person than my feelings of exclusivity to my husband.

It has more to do with my values as a person than my feelings of exclusivity to my husband.

I expect that's usually the case and that makes perfect sense to me.

I don't think it's the same thing, especially in the immediate aftermath of DDay. I know how I felt at that point, it was like I was floating above the earth. I was liable to do plenty of things I wouldn't normally do (suicide or murder being among them, thankfully I just stuck to throwing my job in and lying in bed all day).

Honestly, you do that to someone's psyche and then expect them to behave rationally? And to higher standards than you do yourself?

I will agree that it isn't right, but I do think it's more understandable.And I think the marriage vows are dead at that point.

[This message edited by DebraVation at 3:46 PM, November 16th (Thursday)]

Your righteous indignation is noted...

I don't think it's the same thing, especially in the immediate aftermath of DDay. I know how I felt at that point, it was like I was floating above the earth. I was liable to do plenty of things I wouldn't normally do (suicide or murder being among them, thankfully I just stuck to throwing my job in and lying in bed all day).

Yeah, it could just as easily been suicide. I remember it seemed like there was a glaring white light in my head and static in the background that day. It was like I couldn't quite feel or think. I really think I felt my mind break that day.

While I don't recommend or condone a RA, I think that there is some gray area here.

To me, if a BS gets to blame their WS and use them as an excuse to cheat, then the WS gets to also point the finger at the BS as the reason why they originally cheated in the first place. On this site, the WS is held accountable for their choice to cheat. So should the BS.

If a BS says that the contract validating fidelity was rendered null and void by a WS, who am I to tell them otherwise? I don't think it's a good idea, or helpful, but it can be understood. Being in a committed relationship is an at-will activity.