SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That's why I'm thinking telling my WW when I've been to see a divorce solicitor (which I am doing regardless) might be a good idea.

I would say first ask the solicitor and see what they suggest. It might knock her off of the fence.

I agree with everyone else. Knock her off the fence. Be prepared either way she falls.

That's why I'm thinking telling my WW when I've been to see a divorce solicitor (which I am doing regardless) might be a good idea. Thoughts?

What you do is, if you can, take the rest of the afternoon off from work and start calling divorce solicitors. When you see her tonight, you are honest and let her know that you have started to contact divorce solicitors.

Cheers spond. I am about to call a couple of solicitors right now, as a matter of fact. And the irony of what I wrote about marriage vows wasn't lost on me at the time. I feel exactly that way - hence why I haven't worn my wedding ring for several days & won't be putting it back on anytime soon.

Cross posting with Spond but we both said exactly the same thing.

Thanks mike7. I might just do that.

@yearsofpain25: As I started a business after being made redundant at Christmas (it's been quite a year), I have some flexibility (apart from the fact that the business is struggling) so, one way or another, I'll call some solicitors this afternoon. I won't be seeing my WW tonight as I'm going out with friends but I do think letting her know is a good idea. Thanks.

mike hit the nail on the head, calmly discuss the things he mentioned.

You still need to continue the 180 as much as possible.

Re-read the 180 http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

You are working too hard to keep her and she sees/feels that.

I could imagine her feeling that "I'm not at risk of losing this life I have, look at how hard he is working to try and save us"

@spond: I will. I think there's been a change in the last week though, and my WW has picked up on it. But yes, I need to go hell-for-leather on the 180.

You absolutely need to go Hell bent for leather on the 180, but only after you lay out why.

You need to tell her, what she is doing is disrespectful, and demeaning to you, your son, and your M. If she wants to stay, then it ends, if not then don't plan on spending time with me, in any way shape or form. That you want actions not words, until then you will proceed in the best way possible to protect yourself, and your son from her destructive behavior.

You can't expect her to change unless you make it abundantly clear what your expectations are. You have not been totally clear on this from what you write, and are hesitant to really push it, but you are at a breaking point friend. Either you continue on this painful journey where you are demeaned, and daily deal with this strife, or you set clear boundaries, and proceed from there.

(((and strength)))

@tushnurse: Thanks. I think I've been getting there but I can see it's time to toughen up.

I've called three solicitors this afternoon and have one appointment on Monday at 11 (others to follow). Far as I'm concerned, I WANT my WW to know.

Saveus, save the below statement into your journal for later -

She wasn't happy about it and pulled her usual 'woe is me' argument (along the lines of, 'I've been one long disappointment to everyone since I was born, so what's new now', that kind of thing).

If, and that's a BIG IF, she gets out of this fog and you still want to consider R with her and she will go into IC to understand her behavior, remind her of the above statement she made as a starting point.

I'm on board with everyone here saying keep doing the hard 180 and get meet with multiple solicitors. When you show her a side of you she has never seen before or hasn't seen in a long time, the strongly independent self motivated adult that ACTS, it is a stark contrast to your initial behavior to her when Dday occurred. You now have her attention. You are no longer the predictable 'old you' she has thought she could manipulate. It is also a stark contrast to the sickly OM and how he is behaving. Her disgust with him is starting to grow as you observed her reaction to the last text from him. This is not to say you are "winning" her back. This is to validate that the 180 is working for your benefit, which in turn will work for your son's benefit too. This is about you and your son looking to a better future and a new direction. The question is whether your WW is going to "CHOOSE" to be a part of this and "EARN" her place beside you and your son, or remain in her current state to wallow in her misery and self pity.

Also, her claims of you being destructive in the marriage and with your son by revealing the situation to your parents is simply projection. She clearly is all about self preservation here.

[This message edited by Jduff at 8:54 AM, May 9th (Friday)]

If, and that's a BIG IF, she gets out of this fog and you still want to consider R with her and she will go into IC to understand her behavior, remind her of the above statement she made as a starting point.

I agree. The poor me attitude can make R impossible if every time you want to discuss something she reverts back to the poor me attitude.

That attitude will wear very thin with you over a short amount of time. And it is only another excuse for her behavior she has learned to use all of these years.

Keep moving forward in your life and your sons. It is the last thing your WW wants to see you do. She was fine in the A and in the marriage as long as you did nothing.

Now that you are showing progress, she could be realizing that SHE is now the one being left behind.

I didn't read all the posts, but have you read "Not Just Friends" yet? And better yet, has she? This might be very helpful in defogging her. She seems to have some sense it might not be love, but wants to hang on to the good feelings of the A. I have a feeling there aren't too many of those at this point.

I would consider waiting to tell her that you are seeing an attorney until you actually do. You need to know and understand what your rights are, and you don't want to tip her off and allow her to do something like take all the money in the joint checking and savings, and open a new account in her name.

Oh and when you let he know that you have done this, sought the advice of an Attorney be ready for a shitstorm of anger, and That's It we are done fit throwing. She will twist it and say that you have already decided to D, so why even try, and that you obviously don't love her if you did you would be willing to share her. All of this is things we have all heard, or some twisted variation thereof.

It sucks and it's hard, and this is really all fresh for you, but there are two things to keep in mind when dealing with her.

1. she is no longer the person you thought she was, and not the person you had promised to spend the rest of your life with.

2. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that comes out of her mouth at this point is meaningless, and a lie.

Continue to attempt to stay calm, rational, and emotionless when dealing with her. It helps to put you in a position of power, and strength. R should and will be on your terms if it happens, and she needs to figure that out sooner than later.

(((and strength)))

I agree with Tushnurse. There is nothing to gain by telling her you are going to see an attorney. Wait until you have seen the attorney and obtained answers to your questions and have an understanding of your rights and responsibilities. Before that, any argument wil be a "blind leading the blind" situation and you'll find yourself arguing not only with her but with every bit of misinformation she's heard from her friends, womens magazines and her imagination. Can you spell the word pointless?

Watch a few of those televised poker games to see how the real pros handle "negotiations ".

Telling her you are going to see an attorney is like playing poker with your cards,face up on the table. Yes, it's truthful and if you're showing four of a kind, you'll win that hand. But in the long run, you'll lose.

And, once you've seen a lawyer, don't get into arguments about "my lawyer told me ABC". Follow Biggers advice and simply say " I am following my lawyers advice, not yours".

I would consider waiting to tell her that you are seeing an attorney until you actually do. You need to know and understand what your rights are, and you don't want to tip her off and allow her to do something like take all the money in the joint checking and savings, and open a new account in her name.

Saveus, I know the intention here of telling her you've "talked to an attorney". You want to see if THAT will lift the fog. It won't. I did this and it was my biggest mistake. My STBXW jumped the gun and hired one before I could, started the D process and made it torturous by dragging the process out (as the petitioner she controlled the pace) while she "ate cake". Don't tell, just do.

Saveus, I know the intention here of telling her you've "talked to an attorney". You want to see if THAT will lift the fog. It won't. I did this and it was my biggest mistake. My STBXW jumped the gun and hired one before I could, started the D process and made it torturous by dragging the process out (as the petitioner she controlled the pace) while she "ate cake". Don't tell, just do.

^^^I agree with the above^^^

YOU are going to see an attorney about YOUR rites. About representing YOU. This is going to be a person who will have YOUR back. Take this very seriously and don't use it as a tool to get your WS to snap out of the fog. You are going to have to learn to stop telling her what you are doing and where you are going. Learn to hold your cards close to the vest. Telling her will only ruin any kind of advantage you have now of getting your own advice in your own time.

We know this is so hard, that it goes against every grain in your body, but you must do it.

There will be plenty of time for more talking to your WS. However this is important information about someone who will be representing you and you alone. Not your WS.

@bionicgal: Thanks for the suggestion. I may well download it to my iPad right now.

Re telling my WW I have an appointment with a solicitor, I see your point even though the temptation to shock my WW is considerable. And I did think that was the general consensus round here, until the last few hours anyway. But I've NEVER said I'd use D as a tool to manipulate my WW, quite the opposite. That said, I (naively most probably) think my WW doesn't believe in a million years I'd even be thinking of seeing a lawyer, and I wonder what else I've got to do to try to lift her fog, if I can't even use this (which I AM doing for me, first and foremost).

I can hear how flawed my reasoning is, but you can't blame me. I don't want to play games but I am not yet ready for D. This is about learning my rights and responsibilities, and empowering myself a little.

Re telling my WW I have an appointment with a solicitor, I see your point even though the temptation to shock my WW is considerable. And I did think that was the general consensus round here, until the last few hours anyway. But I've NEVER said I'd use D as a tool to manipulate my WW, quite the opposite. That said, I (naively most probably) think my WW doesn't believe in a million years I'd even be thinking of seeing a lawyer, and I wonder what else I've got to do to try to lift her fog, if I can't even use this (which I AM doing for me, first and foremost).

I can hear how flawed my reasoning is, but you can't blame me. I don't want to play games but I am not yet ready for D. This is about learning my rights and responsibilities, and empowering myself a little.

We recognize that you're not ready for divorce. But that doesn't mean that you passively allow your wife to remain in an affair.

As to "what to do?" She wants to sleep in the marital bed and won't get out? Here's a suggestion - ever hear of a lock? Go by a lock and go up to your room, lock the door, and let her stand outside it for a few hours. She'll get the hint.

Who pays for her cell phone? You? Cancel the phone. Who pays for her car? Her gas? Stop it.

You want to let her know that you're not a door mat? Go file for divorce. Have her served and give her a solid helping of, "Guess what? I'm going to tell the court exactly what you're doing because I'm going after full custody of our son." You don't HAVE to divorce - but knock her entitled rear end off the fence! Not with a few words, not with a "Hey, I'm going to the lawyer!" but an actual divorce letter. Give her THAT for Mother's Day.

For goodness sakes - I have a TON of tolerance for people who are working on their marriage, for people whose spouses had an affair and are trying to figure out how to move forward, etc. But your wife is sitting in front of you ACTIVELY engaging in an affair. Tell me, if you were lying in your bed and your wife was sleeping with the AP two feet from you - would that be enough to lay down the hammer? Because THAT is exactly what she is doing. Every time she texts him she is cheating on you - and your son.

The amazing thing is that I (and maybe a lot of us) have the strong suspicion that she will return to the marriage - after all, she hasn't left. But you need to stand up for yourself, stop allowing her to dictate the terms of a marriage that has become a unsolicited threesome, and demand accountability.

Since she can't seem to get her head out of her ass it is now time to kick her in it. I recommended once before and I am going to recommend the same again - it is time to start fighting for your marriage!