SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just wanna say you are doing fantastic. Stay the course. Swift deliberate decisiveness is always preached around here but very rarely implemented by a BS. Keep it up brother !! You certainly have my admiration & respect.

WW: I'm NOT TALKING TO HIM ANYMORE(she was lying doesn't know I know). JUST PLEASE COME TO BED (Tears)

Just print out one text from today to this OM and show it to her. Of course she will then know you have a way to know.

But at least she will know lying to you is worthless.

She could run into the arms of this other guy, but she is already doing this anyway. Do you really think you wife wants this other guy with two kids, I doubt it.

That is why it is so hard to understand affairs and affair thinking. An old saying here is you cannot make sense out of nonsense.

Yes, her parents need to be told soon. Expose this affair.

Also, if it were me, I would want to talk to this guys ex-wife and get the full story, never know what you might learn.

DON'T REVEAL YOUR SOURCES. Period.

So many times these divorced OMs turn out to only be separated and are trying to R with their wife but they'll string along their AP as a plan b and to just have a side piece. So you reaching out to his wife/ex can blow up his world if he's hoping to get her back.

But even if he is divorced, the ex may let out that she dumped him for adultery or he was an abusive person. These can be helpful facts to let your wife know what she's getting into.

I still think you should file an official complain with HR that they're allowing a married woman have an affair. Mentioning possibly sueing for alienation of affection. Probably won't go anywhere but can cause them to be called in to HR and answer embarrassing questions. Need to make this unicorn world of hers real.

Combined with exposing her parents, she can feel the shame of what she's done. But just remember that when exposing to parents, you must approach it as help me fight for my family. You can give them printed out text exchange of her wanting to have sex with a divorced father of 2. Trust me they don't want their daughter to throw their life away. They will hopefully knock some sense into her.

Fantasy beats reality, you can't compete, don't try.

I understand you love her and want her back, I get that, but is it because you "really" love her or you just don't want your ego hurt that she left you for another man? Will you be happy if she comes back and gives you 100% and leaves her job, or will you still be miserable and just punish her daily for the pain she caused you?

IMO since you are so very young and have no kids, I would strongly recommend divorcing and start over. She has left the marriage, she is sexting the OM in your face. Do you really want to be with someone that is capable of hurting you so cruelly?

Get her ass to the curb, keep the house, find a single buddy to move in and help with the mortgage payment. Travel, take up scuba and go diving in the Caribbean. Find a hobby, join an adult baseball, soccer, or softball team. You don't want to waste your life and her, trust me, if she does it now, she will do it again.

You don't want to waste your life and her, trust me, if she does it now, she will do it again.

soulhurt - Everything you said is worth considering, even this last bit. However, I want to caveat this by saying that there are no absolutes.

Manual - Once someone has cheated, from a psychological standpoint, they go one of two ways. They can become extremely hardened against cheating by facing the reality of what happened, and are much less likely to ever do it again. OR It becomes the start of a pattern of behavior.

TT, blame shifting, rug sweeping, etc are all signs of the type of person that will do it again.

Actual remorse and facing the repercussions of their actions. Seeking help (IC) and trying to understand what flaw in their psyche allowed this to happen. Researching and understanding the areas of weakness that they allowed themselves to get into, and understanding why that is wrong. Those are the actions of someone who is much less likely to do it again.

Your wife needs confrontation and repercussions.

Let me just add to this. Based on what you've said, it sounds like you are more attractive than your wife (wife had a crush on you, the best AP she could get is not very attractive, she's starting to turn around fairly quickly).

The question you should ask, is "do I want to be with a cheater who may cheat again, or do I want to find someone more attractive who is not a cheater?"

The other question you should ask is, "if my wife cheats again when we have kids, will I kick myself for not having dumped her?"

btw, you sounds a bit like spaceghost - you should read his story http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

I am not sure how much "attractiveness" plays into many affairs.

Sure there has to some attraction on the physical level but most women are looking to fill another void...attention. And that the OP is "there for them", like a COW or friend.

I still have hope that 7 years trumps 2 months and her fog lifts for ManualGTR and WW. Once it gets real and papers are filed she's going to react somehow.

I find my wife beautiful but I may be bias, many people think she's pretty but she's insecure. She's always been insecure about her breast size as she's always been thin. I'm just trying to make sense of all of this. I heard a lot of affairs start with loss of attraction. My wife always told me she found me so handsome. I'm still in shape and take care of myself, I've been reading no more mr nice guy and I think she's unattracted to my attitude and demeanor. Maybe she really does feel emotionally distant.

The guy she's having an affair with is not ugly but not someone you would be worried about stealing your SO, I know I'm more attractive than him atleast. I know I can find another woman, my sister said if my wife and I divorced she could easily hook me up with one of her friends. I don't want that but she's trying to be supportive. I had a somewhat decent day so I feel better thanks guys.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 9:31 PM, January 13th (Friday)]

Glad to hear you're feeling better. Have you verified if she's still communicating with douche?

Looks aren't as important to woman as it is to men. Not saying that women aren't into looks, just that they value the whole package. How a man carries himself, confidence, status, or "swag."

That's why she may be into this guy. He's probably older and having been married, divorced, and be a father of 2, he has way more life experience and the confidence that comes with facing life's obstacles.

I asked earlier and think it will help posters give advise. With you being together for so long, has your wife ever talked about wanting to have kids? Also describe the temp of your marriage, affection, sex, etc?

Yes having kids was something neither of us really had a desire for. I would actually like kids now and so would she. We were supposed to start baby-making this year . If they're still communicating I couldn't tell you. I'm just patiently waiting for her to be served and it will be at work. She has never been cold in her affection, the sex and affection has dwindled definitely but we had sex twice a week still. She has always been more affectionate than me even though I loved showing her affection. Sometimes I feel good and sometimes I feel bad, I think of them having sex and just lose it in private. I'm going to an individual counselor tommorrow to get prescribed anti-depressants.

Has the sex and affection dwindling started recently?

You said that the text showed they had planned to consummate the relationship on Dec 30th. That mean's she would have been out all night then come home in the morning or middle of the night and play it off like she was with a friend? Could that have been possible?

I mean do you guys hang out all night without each other for her to think she would be able to pull that off? I ask because I'm trying to see if she's thinking of leaving you for him. That statement of not being able to have sex yet while still being married to you makes me think she's seriously contemplating leaving you.

For her to be unable to decide between a divorced father of 2 that she's known for a few months and her high school sweet heart husband that took her virginity and has been in her life for almost half her life has my head shaking.

Seems like there's more info missing.

No our marriage wasn't sunshines and roses. There were arguments about certain plans our future lack of affection by both parties. I felt as if she wasn't into sex sometimes and she'd get mad/upset if I accused her of that. She thought I would rather do stuff alone than with her. Basically I think I'm at fault somewhat here, I maybe could of showed her more attention than I have. I have a lot of priorities I needed to get straight and 2016 was stressful for us, we definitely had our problems. We're both at fault for problems in the relationship. Decline of affection was a slow process it didn't just happen recently.

Dday was December 31st, she was supposed to meet him at a hotel December 30th but canceled, if she told me she was going out with friends I wouldn't have a second doubt. Our nights together basically consisted of us laying on the couch together talking about our days/watching tv. I don't know if they have been physical since she cancelled, no signs of it in the texts i have read. Well she cancelled and wanted us to try a newish resteraunt and we had fun, also had sex afterwards. If she wanted to leave me why would she cancel plans with him to hang out and have fun and be intimate with me? Maybe she wanted to see if there was still a spark? It was actually one of the nicest nights we had in awhile. She even she told me she loved me afterwards

[This message edited by manualgtr at 10:28 PM, January 13th (Friday)]

Then you know some of the things that you need to work on. I'm going to recommend that you read Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. It's a guide on becoming a better man, husband, and father so that you can better attract your wife. I also recommend that you get and you read together the Love Languages book.

You should also continue hitting the gym HARD.

You should also look to up your game across the board. Make sure you're looking good. I'm talking clothes, hair, hygiene, etc. You need the boost in confidence that comes with knowing that you look good.

No one's relationship is sunshine and rainbows all the time. It is called realty.

Pretty sure you both fell into complacency (not just you) but she sure made an effort to spice things up. Your swift reaction will surely reset a few things. I hope that if you decide to stay together you both make the changes that you both to too lazy to do before...

Is she still in contact with OM? If her first call after getting the papers is to the OM then you will know what to do. If it's to you you will also know what to do!

Your marriage's next chapter has begun.

I heard a lot of affairs start with loss of attraction. ... I've been reading no more mr nice guy and I think she's unattracted to my attitude and demeanor.

How it works is the marriage gets boring and routine, and neither party is unhappy. Neither think about it much, they just go day to day. Then the other man blows smoke up her ass, and the marriage in comparison is "dead" while the new smoke blowing up in the ass makes it feel "alive."

So there are about a hundred different things she can do. One of them is to tell the husband "our marriage has gotten stale, I want to go back to how we once were in the beginning, let's try doing something besides watching TV and talking." Another of them is to remain silent with the husband, but to continue letting the other man smoke up her ass. Then starting to want to do more than get smoke up her ass..

It is about FEELINGS she is getting, the infatuation. INITIALLY, it has nothing to do with loss of attraction. Yes, you are old hat, but she is happy enough, before other man comes along. Then, when she is FEELING a certain way with him, she feels more attracted to him sexually, and as a result, then less of you sexually. It is an overall FEELING, it can't be partitioned into components, the emotions and the sexuality is combined in a whole package.

INITIALLY, it is not about attitude and demeanor. Then, after you find out, and you are not so angry, and you are a bit understanding, and maybe even you are afraid and you cry and you beg and offer to change - some women don't respond well to that. They know they are wrong, and they lose respect for you not to stand up to it. Sometimes they know it consciously and other times it is more unconscious, just a feeling. Not all women respond that way, but some do. I don't know if it is your wife or not.

If she wanted to leave me why would she cancel plans with him to hang out and have fun and be intimate with me? Maybe she wanted to see if there was still a spark? It was actually one of the nicest nights we had in awhile. She even she told me she loved me afterwards

You have incomplete information. You do not know what she said and what he said that day. In her affair, and in her marriage, there is an up-and-down, just like it is for you. The fact that she canceled one night or she had sex with you or had fun with you is meaningless. Go read some threads of recent, some wives have been upset the husband canceled the vacation, yet still was in contact and seeing other man. Or they went on a vacation for two weeks and it was just like old times, then less than two hours back home and she is cold and distant and on the phone like it is attached to her phone. She could get mad at him for a slight or insult one day and he could give her a romantic gesture and she could be back "in love" an hour later.

Focus on her actions. Only with her words if it agrees with her actions.

Manual,

Your head is all over the place. I say this respectfully.

Yournwife just shattered the dish of your marriage and you're starting down at the pieces wondering how it happened and where all those pieces came from.

This where you need to put on foot in the front of the other as they say. Stay in action. Do things. Get angry. Spend a whole day writing out your script for exposing her to her family when that time comes. Get all the personal information on this guy, revenge isn't good but you may need to blow up his life. Get VARs into her car. Get a GPS on there too.

I would it have her served at work. You need the ability to track her communication when it happens. Work is definitely shock and awe, which is a huge benefit, but you need to know if she calls or texts him after receiving the papers. Period.

Busy day today. Accidentally edited my post. Anyway I exposed her affair to her and my family and she was served today at work. She came home sobbing looking for me but I was still at work. Now at my parents house wondering what to do and barely answering her texts.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 9:04 PM, January 14th (Saturday)]

It is good that the affair is out in the open and not the little sexy secret that it used to be. She was served at work?

The fog should begin to lift.

The two of you now have a lot of work to do on your own and together, won't be fast or easy. But few worthwhile things are.

The way you handled this situation tells me that you can get things done.

Hang in there

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 9:28 PM, January 14th (Saturday)]

Go no contact for the night. Do not respond to texts.

What did she think would happen having a boyfriend while married? By responding to texts you are consoling her. She needs to be thinking tonight

First thing you do is verify if she has reached out to her boyfriend today.

This is action time man. You are doing a great job