SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Charger, why is it necessary for some BHs to rage and vent in every single post no matter what the poster has requested? Any BS can start a vent thread in General that will have a stop sign on it (if I am not mistaken) as long as it is labeled as a vent. That would be an awesome place for all of the rageful BH and BWs to get all of that venom out. I don’t usually post in these threads (BTW, sex acts denied to BH, etc) but that’s what I don’t understand. I have seen threads where a BH literally pleaded for people to stop with the raging and crude assumptions. And the BTW gang just pressed on.

I don’t understand how that is in any way positive or helpful to anyone. Especially when it’s 15 or 20 replies in a row with essentially the same message.

You can say, “Well, if everyone is giving the same message, it’s probably the truth.” But in almost every case, we cannot possibly know the “truth” of a new poster’s situation. The only case I can think of would be if you directed a sibling or close friend here and then commented on their post. You know YOUR story. YOUR H or W. You’ve heard a lot of stories and we joke about the Cheater’s Handbook because there is a lot of commonality to As and the people who commit adultery. But you still don’t know the truth of a new, random poster.

I think it would be really cool if we could just treat new posters as though they were adults who are facing one of the hardest things they’ll ever face. And trust that they might just really know what it is they are asking for, so if they ask for commenters to lay off the language or the insults, maybe we could respect them enough to honor that.

JMO.

I was still weirdly protective of my WH in the months after DDay. I had been a proud wife and already felt shamed by him.

I've been thinking something similar the past few days in the guise of your thread. I even went back and read some of my earliest posts. (Yikes.)

And this is pretty much how I remember feeling - like I knew somewhere in there that he was a POS and I was going to have to be done after I found out the affair went underground. But emotionally I literally didn't know how to be done quite yet. I was already embarrassed as all get out by the whole situation and completely flailing and flopping around in my own feelings.

It's strange what's able to nudge you into reality, and I'll call out phmh because my a-ha moment was a simple comment from her that said something like: "It's not looking too good Chili."

Later on, as I got deeper into the nightmare of the legal battle, I needed camaraderie in my anger. I had many a vent in the D/S forum where I used every blue term conceivable to describe assclown and his ongoing antics. And that call-response from people on SI was really helpful. But it took a minute for me to get there.

There is straight talk and there is intentionally vile, offensive, meant-to-offend language--which type a BS will get will be based on their sex. Those who agree with that want to defend it, while those opposed want to open their eyes to these sexist attacks directed at both WW and the BH who love them.

But honestly, do people participating in sexist attacks want to be enlightened? People who think this kind of talk is good or necessary don't often change their minds.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:04 PM, August 10th (Monday)]

I think you fairly summarized my views on cheaters, Bigger. I think they are extremely cruel and selfish with little regard for others. Their actions demonstrate this well. And, I agree that reconciling requires one to eat the type of sandwhich you describe.

I believe this because I feel no person with a decent amount of empathy could lie so much, hurt their families to such a degree, yet sleep like a baby, as they do. The damage they do is staggering.

Stinger - Please answer my question:

Does that also apply to your hosts on this site?

Also apply to the guides and mods that are former WS?

The thing is, it’s not just negative comments about WW.

There’s a bigger issue here. There is a cohort of men in this site who clearly hate women. Definitely a small number, but they’re not a silent group.

There was a thread maybe 6 months ago about a man finding out that his wife was sexually adventurous BEFORE he ever met her. Say what you want about honesty in a marriage, but she’s not a cheater. The comments were horrible. Women who enjoy sex are just a ticking time bomb waiting to cheat. Who wants a wife who’s screwed the football team. She’s damaged goods. She was compared to a heroin addict. There were posters who argued to the death that women who enjoy sex make bad wives. They’re worth less as human beings than woman with lower number of sex numbers. One poster insisted that women have a rating and things like sexual history and weight make some unsuitable for quality males.

This kind of hate filters into advice to BHs. It’s a lot of macho posturing and talking about WW like they’re human garbage.

What say you SI? Are WW's treated with more contempt than WH's???

I would say so. I know a few BH who are really heavy posters are leaning that way and swaying the whole community.

I think every BH should try to fix a WW so they can understand the confusion and shame.

Lately there has been a lot of projection as well.

I see also so many common posters are those who divorced without question who think even seeing what R could be as a waste of time. Totally fine, I filed but then R'd.

I will say, you want to make the BW act the same way, mention sexual acts denied the betrayed spouse. That tends to just make every female on this site show up. (Please, no more of those threads unless it is the person and they have specific instances.)

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 7:42 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

If the founder of this site lied, cheated, exposed her husband to STD risk, gaslit him, and, in general acted in the manner that many therapists consider the most severe form of emotional abuse, I am of the opinion she fits my description. But, that is just my opinion, Bigger.

There is a cohort of men in this site who clearly hate women.

It certainly seems that way, but I do want to say that this is a certain group while the rest of the male members do not seem to hate women, even after being hurt. And I really appreciate those posters as a counter to the hate. But the hateful posts are pretty upsetting. It's almost as if by staying silent about them, I am condoning them. And then that further upsets me.

Is the BTW gang in IC? Do they realize they need it? Hating one person will possibly not impact your whole life, but transferring that hate to an entire group of people--50% of them--is toxic and ruins everything.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:38 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

1. Genuine anger

2. The lens of masculinity

3. The performance of toxic masculinity

I think these things are all distinct and i am quite sure number 3 is disgusting to nearly everyone but we all want to be forgiving for 1 and 2 ( which are not the most useful things either )

I think people more used to anger and salty language need a higher level of evidence to believe they are seeing number 3

A good rule of thumb is “ would i have said this about a male”

If not then you are in the general vicinity of misogyny / misogyny adjacent at best

Thanks for the reply Stinger.

Now – how do you feel about accepting the hospitality of a man that is constantly eating shit-sandwiches or using the services provided by someone that "lied, cheated, exposed her husband to STD risk, gaslit him, and, in general acted in the manner that many therapists consider the most severe form of emotional abuse"?

I’m OK with people not agreeing with me, but at least I have the decency to stay away from people that would be living or condoning a life that was so firmly against my principles.

[This message edited by Bigger at 7:47 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

3. The performance of toxic masculinity

Siracha - That is a crap phrase.

Is there such a thing as toxic femininity?

Lets keep this about some guys projecting and not use masculinity as a negative please.

1. toxic masculinity as a term isnt interchangeable with masculinity so there is no need for that strawman

2. Toxic masculinity is certainly a crap phrase because it explains the crap that happens when a low self esteem person seeks to empower themselves through aggression towards others

3. There is actually toxic femininity too but its a much rarer phenomenon id say just based on how many rapes and spousal beatings spousal murder etc women dont commit .

I feel sorry for him, just like I do other BS, Bigger. I have empathy for what he went through. He did not deserve any of the abuse. And, I am grateful he allows people to air their views, whether he agrees with them or not.

There is actually toxic femininity too but its a much rarer phenomenon id say just based on how many rapes and spousal beatings spousal murder etc women dont commit .

Are you saying that a WW's tendency to emotionally and psychologically abuse isn't as bad as physically destroying someone?

SD

Im not saying that at all

Im saying jumping on a BH thread screaming “the whore spread her legs and PS you are a cuck “ doesnt have a female equivalent that i can think of

Oh sorry wow let me clarify

I think we all know physical violence is alot more heinous than anything even emotional abuse and laws support that idea very strictly

Any other opinions on that ?

Oh sorry wow let me clarify

I think we all know physical violence is alot more heinous than anything even emotional abuse and laws support that idea very strictly

Any other opinions on that ?

Well, the reality is that female on male violence in domestic situations is, actually, slightly more prevalent. So, I suppose toxic femininity would include it.

BTW, I doubt there is a consensus on physical abuse being more damaging than emotional abuse.