The basic reason men treat WW's meaner than BW's treat WH's is BIOLOGY!!!
That, for sure, coupled with the "difficulty". Like it or not, the old "stud/slut" thing is easy to see here too, a guy who can easily get AP's and keep them as sex toys is seen, by many, as a success, because we know it's "hard" to do that. A woman who's get's lots of APs has no status conferred because basically all she's proven is she's good at saying "yes". Where a man, again, saying this will all disgust, who can get lots of AP's has "something" going for him. He's good looking, he's good with words, he's rich, he's powerful. Whatever it is, it's some positive indicator about his desirability and "market value" which does not exist for women in an A. A woman's value is determined far more by the type of man she can get to commit to her rather than the type of men she can sleep with.
I don't really understand why women always get the blame, but it's true.
In a PA, women "get the blame" because they are the "gatekeepers" of sex. They decide when, where, with who. Men wait to be "chosen" for sex, women are the team captain saying "I'll take him and him". It's not fair, I'm not arguing that, but until/unless the situation reverses (men constantly shooing women away who are pursing them for sex) nothing with change here, it's simply biology at play.
My issue with these sorts of threads is the vague vibe (imho anyways) that a BH is always hurt worse than a BW. Like somehow a BW's pain is less 'valid' because she doesn't have a penis. That underlying message really irritates me and isn't particularly helpful to anyone I don't think.
I would never say I was hurt "more" than someone else by the affair in general. I think that the PA was profoundly painful to me in a way that it's not to others, and I do think that line generally gender divides somewhat neatly. And the EA aspect of my W's A, I honestly couldn't care less about, it's a non-issue for me, where for others, it's "the issue". I am SURE that lots of people are more hurt by the EA than I was, and I strongly suspect I was more hurt by the PA than others.
There are some generalizations here, but I'd be interested to hear some further clarification on how the "BH has always lost the competition". Couldn't the same be said of BW's? If not, why not?
I think it probably could be said in some cases, but it really depends what's valuable to the BS. I strongly agree with the quoted above, I feel like I "lost" because the AP was able to easily get things I could not from my W. He got what I wanted, and did it easily and quickly. Does his W feel like she "lost"? IDK, but I kind of doubt it, she didn't want more sex from her H, she wanted him to be a good H and father, neither of which my W got from him either. She got cheap, easy sex and words that were complete make believe. I don't think his WW wanted either of those things, but I can tell you, I deeply wanted the sex that he got from her.
Another point I haven't seen mentioned yet, women can "affair up" much more easily and reliably than men can. My wife could easily sleep with someone famous/rich/model handsome, in fact, she'd barely even have to try, just offer and she'd get a pretty good acceptance rate. Where men, when they have an A, almost always have to go "down" because they aren't offering the "value" to many women of commitment, love, respect, honesty.. Or basically anything that women care about (or claim to care about) in a relationship other than sex. So, while my wife could probably sleep with a string of guys who were all "10's" in an evening, I would be MUCH more difficult/impossible for me to the same (at least without paying for it it would be).
BH can actually PROVE their child is theirs which it is 97% of the time
Our biology isn't even CLOSE to coming to internalize this yet, give it about 10,000 years and then maybe.
Yes, we can know for sure today because of DNA, but our bodies don't know that at all, the same visceral fear is still there, just like we still fear the dark even though we live in houses and have guns to fend off basically any animal, our biology tells us "dark is dangerous".
How do you presume to think you know what human behavior comes from nature and what part comes from nurture?
If we're talking about sex here, well, pretty much all of recorded history has told the same story. Men fighting other men for sex with more/new women. Powerful men taking many wives/lovers. Men killing other men for "stealing" a lover. And this has been recorded in isolated societies and independently many times across pretty much all civilizations we know about.
I view toxic masculinity as that thing that is really harmful to men. This sexist idea that you have to be always so strong, not show emotions, never cry, react with aggression, be ready to have sex with anything and anyone at all times, and so on.
I thought toxic masculinity was something I had to shave off?
That said, I do agree with your list, however, I also closely resemble that list. I show strength, I never show emotions, I never cry, I will react with aggression if pushed and yes, I'm pretty much ready to have sex at a moment's notice. Is that because I was "brainwashed" into it by society? IDK, but I can tell you, it feels pretty natural to me; I feel like it's "me" more than "doing what society expects of me".
One poster insisted that women have a rating and things like sexual history and weight make some unsuitable for quality males.
I think that was probably me, and I stand by that statement. However, and perhaps I didn't say this, but men have "ratings" too, they are just rated differently than women. If you'd like to find your attractiveness rating, there are plenty of sites to help with that and crowdsource a number for you that will likely be pretty darn accurate in determining your rating. And, weight is a hindrance to "higher rated males", just like being poor and living in your mom's basement is a hindrance to "higher rated females". Right? Wrong? IDK, but I do know it's "reality" and it's what we are dealing with based on our sexual preferences (in aggregate) between the genders. We can not like that we can all be "rated" but we can be.
I have seen a bh come on and tell everyone that he made his ww give him oral sex in their van and if she refused she was to get out and walk. I saw many people say that wasn't cool, but so many say "I can see how you got there".
Might as well, because I think this was me too. I've staunchly said 2 things about that poster, first off, he never should have done that, and 2nd, yes, I see how he got there and it was almost ENTIRELY his wife's fault, and not his. That does not excuse his actions, but it gives a REASON that happened, and she's the one who set those cards in motion. He never should have been in that situation in the first place, and his wife absolutely should NOT have let that situation persist and fester, if you really don't want to do it, leave. Don't pretend it didn't happen and wait for your BS to go nuts on you.
Again, the question isn't 'Are there differences between genders?'
The question is, 'Are the differences due to nature or nurture?'
And while that's an interesting intellectual conversation, what difference does it make "where it comes from" if it's undeniably there?
I can tell you from my experience that it very much seems that family, friends, society and the legal system has let my WW off easy-if not rewarded her, and has judged me more harshly. Everyone wonders what I did to make my WW cheat-it must have been horrible. It must have been some sort of subtle and insidious psychological abuse.
So true man. And one of the big reasons I love this board, because that kind of crap gets shut down quick here. But yes, that's exactly what I got in the beginning, "you weren't tending to her needs". Most of all, believe it or not, from professionals (marriage/IC).
It's as if people are surprised that women enjoy having sex for the sake of sex.
Given that there are close to 0 WW stories on here that have anything to do with "enjoying sex" with the AP, I think you might grant us a pass on this one. Honestly, the more I read about A's, the more and more twisted I got about sex. I thought women had sex because they wanted to have sex and were horny. Pretty much same reason I wanted to have sex in the past. Then the concept of "kibbles" comes around, and "sex for things/words/etc" becomes, by FAR, the most common reason given for WW's having sex (or kinky sex) in an A, now I have no idea anymore.
I have yet to see the man on SI who truly resents the resources they put into a child they raised that they discovered Isn’t their biological child. Angry at the lies, yes. Love the child, yes.
Ask them if they could go back and be the person who got their wife pregnant instead of the OM and see what response you get. The child is an independent person, of course you can and do love them. It doesn't remove the pain or fear of being forced to raise, against your will/knowledge, another man's child.