SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It is very embarrassing to look back at our actions while we were in the fog isn't it. It is so obviously stupid to us now, but in the throes of the fog and fantasy, we acted like complete idiots.

Yes, but of course hindsight is 20/20

At the time there are justifications and thinking we know, or we are different and can somehow change the rules.

Very childish, teenager-y behavior. At the time, my IC told me I was acting a lot like DS who was around 17-18 y.o. and engaging in stupid, dangerous behaviors. I was offended and thought she didn't know what she was talking about.

When I took a step back and really looked at myself honestly, I realized she was right.

It is very embarrassing to look back at our actions while we were in the fog isn't it. It is so obviously stupid to us now, but in the throes of the fog and fantasy, we acted like complete idiots.

Yes, totally. Sigh.

floridaredman,

I can't give an exact time on how long it took me to realize I couldn't be friends with the OM. Not days or weeks time. I realized I couldn't be "friends" when the fog burned off completely and I truly saw how much pain I had put my BH through. Maybe a month?? (Damned fog... )

As for who left the job, he did. Got his a** fired for "making inappropriate comments" to another coworker. They got him on sexual harrassment. I found this out from his roommate who left not long after himself. Ain't seen hide not hair of either of them in over a year... not that I want to...

Floridaredman, THANK YOU so much for starting this thread & WS-es THANK YOU so much for your responses.

I’m going to send this link to my WH. He says that I’m overreacting. He insists that the NC thing is ridiculous and that there is nothing wrong with continuing their friendship since nothing physical was going on anymore.

So yeah, he still maintains friendship with his OW and wonders why I’m filing for D.

[This message edited by Drk.8 at 11:28 PM, February 19th (Friday)]

Drk.8,

If you could get your husband to come here, we would gladly tell him our experiences.

I doubt he will at this point. He still seems a bit foggy. But there is always hope

BS here, hope that's O.K.

This is a very interesting thread because these exact words came out of my mouth to my FWH after his A was discovered "You cannot be friends with her EVER again."

I added..just to drive home the point... "Put yourself in my shoes...I have cheated and I still want to hang out with the other man who has put his ***** in me".

HOLY crap, the look on my FWH's face was priceless.. he "got it" then and there, and hasn't mentioned being "friends" with OW again.

I think if the WS puts themselves in the BS's shoes for a moment or two, they have a better understanding of what is NOT acceptable any more...KWIM?

BS are most welcome to post

I think if the WS puts themselves in the BS's shoes for a moment or two, they have a better understanding of what is NOT acceptable any more...KWIM?

This is my thought exactly.

EmptyCup..it is very good to see how far you have come. I remember when you first came here. I am glad to see you doing so well.

Thanks everyone for your posts.

It is also important to know that once that line is crossed, it can NEVER again be uncrossed. The A will always be there, and even if you were to swear on the lives of your children that it would never happen again, it can- and it has. Months, even years later.

Once friends become APs, they are no longer friends, and they cannot be in your life. A lesson learned the really really hard way...

EmptyCup..it is very good to see how far you have come. I remember when you first came here. I am glad to see you doing so well.

Thanks

This place, and all of you (WSs and BSs) have been a real lifesaver for me. I feel like I've learned more in the last year than in the 45 before that.

floridaredman,

I've asked him to come to SI, and he has, once and that’s it. You’re right, he’s still very foggy and doesn’t feel he belongs here.

This continued “blatant show of disrespect” has become to painful to endure and since he doesn't care enough to take the steps to understand how much it’s been killing me after all this time, I’m going to move forward.

I have not read everything in this thread, but one thing was very clear to me from the very first, there is NO possible way a Wayward can be friends with the former AP, no way.

Drk.8

He insists that the NC thing is ridiculous and that there is nothing wrong with continuing their friendship since nothing physical was going on anymore.

Wow, I was in a fog for a while, but I always knew NC was non-negotiable.

I’m going to send this link to my WH. He says that I’m overreacting. He insists that the NC thing is ridiculous and that there is nothing wrong with continuing their friendship since nothing physical was going on anymore.

If he thinks your wanting complete NC is overreacting, are you sure he'll even read the link??

As a FWS, I don't think your overreacting at all. It's perfectly normal for you to want your H to have absolutely nothing to do with the OP. NC is a must to end the A. Even if "nothing physical" is going on anymore. An EA is still an A. He has to choose: you or her. He can't have both. If he tries the "we're just friends" line, tell him that such a thing is NOT possible. Friends don't have sex with friends. Once that line has been crossed, it can't be uncrossed.

Iamsooscared, sounds like the difference between you and my STBXH is that you were remorseful and understood consequences, my WS doesn’t have a clue. He’s so bull headed this way is because I allowed him to treat me like a doormat for 10 years, and now he thinks I’ll continue to take this blindly. He doesn’t believe I’ll follow through with the 2nd part of the D papers to finalize things.

Clarrissa, you’re right. He won’t read it. I’ll look into sending him a link on how not to get taken to the cleaners in a D instead. Actually I’m not like that; I’d rather leave with just the shirt on my back if it means it will speed things up.

[This message edited by Drk.8 at 3:19 AM, February 21st (Sunday)]

Once that line has been crossed, there is no going back to being friends if you are reconciling with your BS.

Agreed, from both a WS and BS perspective, ain't happening.

I'd venture to go a step further and say in most cases I'd bet two people can't be friends even if the M(s) aren't reconciling. In my case (1st M), even after the D, there was no going back to just friends, too much "stuff" got in the way and it wasn't a real friendship, even though I thought it was Don't know what i was thinking!

In WH's case (not the FOM), WH fell back into an affair with MOW after 4-5 years of NC. Took under a week to become a full blown A with an immediate secret email account and explicit sexual exchanges flying back and forth. (So much for "reconnecting" and "just friends" as he claimed he wanted).

"This continued blatant show of disrespect” has become to painful to endure and since

he doesn't care enough to take the steps to understand how much it’s been killing me after all this time, I’m going to move forward.

(((Drk.8)))You sound like a very strong person. This is a perfect example of not being able to control the actions of others, but you can certainly control your response to it.

You have laid out what you need (NC of course, is NON NEGOTIABLE) and he is choosing not to engage fully in R. And you're right, it is blatant disrespect towards you.

You are loving yourself and taking care of you in moving forward. Good for you.

We are here for you.

[This message edited by authenticnow at 9:51 AM, February 21st (Sunday)]

I am just three days out from D-Day and this was the first post I read upon discovering this site. I can't thank you enough for this wake-up call. It helped me to feel I'm not alone.

My mother was worried about me in these fresh days since my husband discovered pictures I sent my AP in my email. It kills me that he felt the need to look.

The entire thing came as such as shock. I know it sounds cliche, but I really never thought I could get caught. I had no idea I'd neglected to delete the items in my sent box or that my BS knew my email password, and even still, was more shocked that he searched at all.

In the days after the A was discovered my AP told his spouse after receiving a nasty email from my BS. We went to NC almost immediately, the extent to which shocked me. The biggest part of the loss at the time was the loss of our friendship, or the glamorized version of what I thought it was/could be. Three days later I'm still healing and dealing with the loss/loneliness. I'm trying not to take the NC personally and recognize that the best thing for everyone is for us to stay away from each other.

We will see each other on Tuesday unless one of us chickens out (school) and I'm terrified that I'll do something stupid or say something or stare at him uncontrollably.

I'm still getting used to the fact that it's truly over, we were caught and made the biggest mistake of our lives.

I am just three days out from D-Day and this was the first post I read upon discovering this site. I can't thank you enough for this wake-up call. It helped me to feel I'm not alone.

My mother was worried about me in these fresh days since my husband discovered pictures I sent my AP in my email. It kills me that he felt the need to look.

The entire thing came as such as shock. I know it sounds cliche, but I really never thought I could get caught. I had no idea I'd neglected to delete the items in my sent box or that my BS knew my email password, and even still, was more shocked that he searched at all.

In the days after the A was discovered my AP told his spouse after receiving a nasty email from my BS. We went to NC almost immediately, the extent to which shocked me. The biggest part of the loss at the time was the loss of our friendship, or the glamorized version of what I thought it was/could be. Three days later I'm still healing and dealing with the loss/loneliness. I'm trying not to take the NC personally and recognize that the best thing for everyone is for us to stay away from each other.

We will see each other on Tuesday unless one of us chickens out (school) and I'm terrified that I'll do something stupid or say something or stare at him uncontrollably.

I'm still getting used to the fact that it's truly over, we were caught and made the biggest mistake of our lives.

Welcome to SI.

I did not bold this to change the perspective of your post, but do you work with him or do you go to the same school?

You need to change your school hours or schools.

Continued contact of this nature will lead to nothing good.

Please read the Healing Library. It has a lot of valuable info.

NC is a must, you appear to still be in withdrawal from your AP. Just remember that he is NOT who you think he is. We all realize how destructive and deceptive we were in being wayward. We had nothing but our own selfish satisfactions in mind. This man used you and it is also hard to admit, but in a sense you used him too.

Sorry that you are here, but glad you are seeking help.

Keep posting..we will help you all we can.

I'm definitely having serious withdrawals. I can't thank you enough for beating it into me that he was using me and I him. I know intellectually that you are right, but it's hard to keep that in mind while I am still so deep in the fog. I love that term because it so wholly sums up the feeling of all of this. My brain is clouded and although all I want is to be happy with my husband and make him happy that he chose to stay with me I am consumed with worries over what OM is thinking, doing, feels about me, and what seeing him on Tuesday will be like.

If there was any way for me to get away from him completely I would. We are in the same graduate program and attend one common class per week that is a requirement. It's a large room so it's not impossible for us to stay out of each other's way. While I'm afraid that I'll try to talk to him or that he'll try to talk to me...I'm almost more afraid of how I'll feel if he completely ignores me.

It's hard to go from such a deep and constant connection to nothing at all. It's like trying to quit smoking cold turkey without slowly tapering off. It's torture.

Tuesday will make it all too real that we've been caught and that it's over. Why am I still so hurt by that?

Tuesday will make it all too real that we've been caught and that it's over. Why am I still so hurt by that?

It's an addiction. Like alcohol or crack. OM made you feel high,invincible,sexy and attractive. You don't want to give that up, just like an alcoholic doesn't want to give up booze or a crack addict give up crack. But it will destroy you in the end.

You mourn the loss of a "feeling" not a person. The OM just happens to be attached to that "feeling".

That is why NC is important. As with any drug, you have to stop using it and being around it to be cured.

The longer you have any contact with the OM, the longer it will take for you to be cured.

Seeing him brings all those back. He is going through the same thing, but his spouse has probably got him under the gun as well as she should.

If you speak to him..you are going back to square one, hurting your husband all over again. If you think about it, it is quite selfish. It's getting a "fix".

Fix your marriage, don't worry about a "fix" from the OM.

floridaredman, just caught up on this post...very well stated indeed. I view myself as lucky (if there is luck in infidelity) that my FWH's cheating did not involve someone I actually knew, however if it had...severing all ties with that person would have been a condition of R.

My heart really goes out to those BS's who have to endure the living hell of having a WS that is in continued contact with the OP, even if it's limited to a work relationship. I would find it absolutely impossible to heal with that gun barrel pointed at my head all the time.

Once again, thank you for writing this!!