SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wounded_husband, I’m going to be totally frank here: If you are too afraid to take action then you better start adjusting to a life of sharing your wife. If this is going to be your fate then at least arrange a safe-sex and adequate personal hygiene schedule with her.

CONFIRM with the OM wife. If she already knows then this won’t be too hard.

Go online and find the ethics and behavioral guide for the school as it applies to students. Chances are there is NOTHING there that forbids students from having intimate relationships with their professors. However there is a good chance that there will be rules regarding staff interaction with students in the staff-handbook. Chances are that won’t be online.

What this means is that your wife won’t be punished for her actions by the school but the professor might be.

Even then – if you make a verbal complaint to the Dean – the chances are this will be handled quietly. The professor will be called in for an informal warning in the hope that this matter will simply disappear. Cases like this open up a whole wormcan of litigation threats so as a rule companies and schools try to solve them quietly.

Even IF she is kicked out (which is extremely unlikely) then so what? Your marriage is doomed as long as the affair is ongoing so her future education is a moot point for you.

This is abuse of a student by a senior member of staff - one who may eye each new student cohort as fresh blood. The university will take a very dim view of his behaviour, which is exploitative (a version of the casting couch) and endangering your wife's degree, and those of other 'vulnerable' female students yet to come.

Even with second marking procedures, has your wife not considered how vulnerable she is in terms of all of her marks now being open to question? She being the Professor's current 'favourite'?

I have been tempted to talk to the university provost about this, but I may be screwing her out of a grad degree if I do.

AND??

Until she pulls her head out of her ass you should proceed with a full on 180 and that means, among other things, you blow the affair wide open. Destroy the fantasy and any benefit she gets from it. If that means she can't finish her degree in that field for a year or two more than that's just tough-shitskies.

Seems like she and OM are the ones screwing her out of a grad degree.

Bigger is right- get used to sharing. And odds are the BW doesn't know unless you actually told her.

Ditto on Holly, she is screwing herself out of her degree. Well more specifically HER actions are. Sometimes you have deal with harsh realities.

Out them to the school.

Ok, I've contacted the Dean of sciences about this. Complaining to the chair of my wife's department is useless IMO, since the chair is having an affiar with one of my wife's friends, who works in the deaprtment and knows about my wife and the OM.

My wife is in the field right now...by the time she gets back, we will have been apart for a little over a month (she left 6 days after I discovered the affair, but she took this job back in April). I suppose this seperation does not bode well for our chances, eh? She has been telling me she is torn and does not know what she wants, that maybe we should seperate for a while. Sounds to me like she wants to be a cake-eater. Problem is, with this distance between us, and the rarity of contact (she's in a remote area), I really don't know how to talk to her about this. Long emails seem counter-productive, and I don't want to exhuast her emotionally so that the OM seems like a good option (even though the OM is intensely jealous of me, according to my wife).

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I'm thinking of not contacting her anymore, to let her see what life without me could be like. I'll reply to her emails if she sends them, but won't initiate contact myself.

I can relate. FWH was in the field with OW when I discovered their A - a five week trip. I took the time to prepare, think about what I needed and wanted in life, decide that I wanted to try to R with FWH if he'd work with me, and prepared to D him if he wouldn't.

There wasn't signal and there wasn't much chance for e-mail while he was in the field, but intermittently when he did call or write, I made effort to tell him I loved him, that I wouldn't live with an A, but that if he chose to come home to me as I hoped, I would be very happy. I did send him e-mails every couple days, and I made a point of enclosing a photo of a happier time in our M in one of them with an "I love who we are together, I love you, can't wait to see you again" message. Another genre of the messages - the most effective in helping him decide to come home to me even though he was very much in the fog of the A - were the messages telling him that I loved him and why I loved him, that I hoped he'd decide to spend his life with me, that I knew it had been difficult, I owned my 50% contribution to that, and I was more than willing to work with him to make it a better M than ever.

He had the A to escape stresses in his life (Holly Hein's Sexual Detours is a great explanation of this kind of thing, but Shirley Glass Not Just Friends is the most helpful text), but the entire time he was in the A he loved me and hoped to figure out a way that he could feel good about returning to the M after it being so strained for a while. I can't speculate about your WS's motives, but I can say that keeping your boundaries firm - what you will accept in the M and what you won't - while expressing love and the desire to make the M better, owning your own past mistakes but not letting the WS use them to justify their poor decision to have an A - will only help you to approach the possibility of R'ing with your WS.

Make the conditions for you staying M to her known once she gets back (be sure she at least meets with you before going anywhere else), and let her know how much you love her/want her, but that you will D her if she can't be in the M in a way that is healthy and loving for both of you.

If you feel comfortable doing so, set a time limit on this decision so that it can't drag on (cake-eating) forever. If she can decide to try to R with you, it's up to you what you want to do, but be prepared, informed legally, and financially prepared to leave at your self-set deadline if you're not seeing her begin to work with you toward R'ing.

She will no doubt want to talk about how your A hurt her in relation to her decision to pursue her A. Although there's no denying your A hurt her and the M, it is part of the climate of the M that perhaps left her feeling underappreciated and vulnerable to such attentions, but she must own 100% that she alone made the decision to begin an A of her own. You're each 50% responsible for the state of the M pre-A, but the decision to have an A is 100% hers.

Her being in the field gives you time and space to prepare for any eventuality. Take care of yourself and get your ducks in a row. Hope some of this helps!

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I'm thinking of not contacting her anymore, to let her see what life without me could be like. I'll reply to her emails if she sends them, but won't initiate contact myself.

Yes, this is what I would do. I'd do the 180---both from afar and when she returns home.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I'm thinking of not contacting her anymore, to let her see what life without me could be like. I'll reply to her emails if she sends them, but won't initiate contact myself.

She's talking separation, so I'd use this time to detach and wouldn't initiate contact with her. Let her initiate contact with you. I wouldn't do any begging or pleading.

Since she has mentioned separation, I'd use this time to plan your conditions for separation. Who will move out, whether you're okay with her seeing the om during separation, finances, etc... If she's going to use separation to see the om and put you on hold, it's time to make the decision for her and remove yourself from the triangle.

When she gets home, I'd lay out your terms for separation and R the marriage without separation. If she is still playing the 'I don't know what or who I want' game, then decide for her, she wins the om. I know that seems harsh, but if she is cake eater, she will play you and the om off of each other until one of you exits the triangle. When one of you is out of the triangle, she might make up her mind.

[This message edited by Chelrey at 4:49 PM, August 19th (Thursday)]

Personally I don’t understand separation.

I can understand some time off or a few days break to think and contemplate. But still within the boundaries of marriage regarding sexual fidelity and mutual respect.

I think she’s thinking more of time off to see her lover.

I don’t understand that and/or how that could help the marriage.

Look – if your heart told your body that it was tired of beating around all day and wanted a separation then what would happen? Yes – you would drop down dead. The same applies to a marriage. If your wife wants an unconditional separation with no predefined goal other than to be apart then your marriage has just had it’s heart ripped out. You can keep it around but soon the rot will be stinking up your life.

To me it boils down to this simple question:

Do you enjoy or like sharing your wife?

If your answer is “yes” then good luck. If it’s “no” then you have to grasp this statement and repeat it regularly to your wife:

“I love you to pieces and I will put in whatever work is required to save this marriage BUT I have realized that losing you is the lesser of two evils compared to sharing you. I can recover from losing you given time but I can NEVER accept sharing you.”

Then you make it clear that she can tell you (and show) that she wants the marriage but until she does then you inevitably have to slowly but surely move towards divorce.

You no longer make long-term plans with her.

You no longer go to family functions.

You no longer hide the affair.

You no longer expect or demand intimacy.

You no longer share your agenda with her.

Basically you act and behave as if you are accepting and welcoming the fact that you are leaving infidelity – with or without her.

Wounded-Husband,

Bigger is one of the biggest brains you're likely to find on this subject. You'd do well to follow his advice.

You've all given me great advice. I really appreciate it!

I was thinking today...she's mentioned before that one of her fears was growing old alone. She never told me she was unhappy, never sat down and said "We need to seperate/divorce". The first I heard of it was when I hacked her email account and read the hurtful emails between her and OM...he was asking her not to sleep with me, and her reply was "The only thing I am going to give him is divorce papers". Once I found out about the affair, she started talking about separating...although in one of my darkest momemts when I didn't think I could stop crying, she said she would stay with me. But moments later, she refused to send a NC email. But she still had sex with me, several times.

I'm thinking that since she is afraid to be alone, she never was serious about divorce until she had OM waiting in the wings. He said he would divorce his family and be with her. He seems very needy, and is already pushing to live with her. From what I understand, his wife wears the pants though.

So her talk of separating must be to allow him time to make his 'pillow talk' come true, to see if he really can stand up to his wife. If it doesn't work, she has me as the fall-back position, so she doesn't have to be alone.

Unless there is a flaw in my logic, I'm pretty sure I've got this nailed down. So when she gets home, as far as I'm concerned, it's me or him. If she says "I need time on my own", after she has had month away to make the decision, means I'm right. At that point, I'm outta here.

What hurts more is the fact that when I had my affair, I basically put my life on hold once she found out. I quit school, took time off work, went to councelling (I paid for it). Six days after I found out about her A, she left for the field. And even though I told her I was feeling a little suicidal the last time we talked, she hasn't called or emailed in four days. The writing is on the wall, I guess...

to see if he really can stand up to his wife

Not to sound like a broken record, but if you tell his wife, your WW will see pretty clearly how well he stands up to his wife.

as far as I'm concerned, it's me or him

Keep this in your heart. It's very important to remember

Not to sound like a broken record, but if you tell his wife, your WW will see pretty clearly how well he stands up to his wife.

I've tried the only email I have to reach her. I haven't heard back. I've also called the school she attends, but no-one has seen her in a while, and they either didn't have a phone #, or wouldn't give it out (which I understand).

You know the OM name, his profession, the OMW name, her job….

If you wanted to contact her you can. No excuses. Do it. If that means going to her work, going to her home... then do it!

If this sounds mean then good! Inaction after d-day is one of us BS major threats and mistakes. Take action!

You know the OM name, his profession,

Very true. But he is out of the country atm, so direct contact is not possible

You know the OMW name, her job….

Knowing her name isn`t too useful when neither of them are in the book, or on social networks.

And no, I don`t know her job. I never said I did. Nor do I know what school, or even in what city, her children go to school. I only know here she goes to school, and her school hasn`t seen her.

Excuses excuses...

Married people tend to live in the same house. People with kids tend to live in the same community. Chances are OM home number and address is same as his wife. If you wanted to you would find her.

Look – I know I‘m being tough but you better remember that right now you don‘t have too many friends. Right now your situation demands action. Unfortunately Madhatters don‘t get much support or sympathy here on SI. I won’t question the site policy of not allowing you to be on JFO (I have learnt that ALL policy on SI is based on sound thought and vast experience so even if I don’t get it it tends to be sound and good and well thought). See how fast your thread slips down to the page 2 black-hole here on General? There have several so-called veterans and heavy hitters on SI posted on your situation and if you want help I strongly suggest you start action and stop excuses.

BTW- at ANY time feel free to ask me to butt out of your life.

If I could FIND his home #, I would call it. Or just go out there. Neither of his jobs (yes, I know them both, which is why I know he is out of the country right now) have any desire to give it to me, nor will her school. Neither are in the phone book (they have different last names) or on 411.com. I've even tried contacting their alumni association (I know where they did grad school), but the last address they have is for 2008, in Germany.

If you have a constructive suggestion on how to find these people, I'd love to hear it. I've already gone through the phone records. If WS called OM, she never did it from home.

And I do appreciate your comments btw.

[This message edited by wounded_husband at 5:26 PM, August 21st (Saturday)]

What about using one of those sites that give you unlisted numbers if you pay?

If his BW's school will not release her number, you could always call the school back and explain that there is an emergency and ask if they could contact her and pass on your contact details. (e.g. Mrs. wounded-husband's husband needs to contact you urgently on no. ##).

If his BW has been trying to contact you, she obviously knows your wife's name.