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I didn't want a complete blow-by-blow account (no pun intended) but I needed to know when and where (so glad they didn't ever have the opportunity to do anything but kiss and cuddle in our home when I was out of the room - even that was bad enough).

My imagination had them up to all sorts of out-of-this-world sexual gymnastics but my H admitted that it was pretty disappointing on the whole and she wasn’t very passionate, despite her promises of fabulous sex. He did try certain things with her that I wasn’t (and I’m still not) prepared to do – again, the anticipation was far more exciting than the actual act and in the end his guilt got the better of him and he couldn’t perform properly. To be honest, the ‘dirty sex’ (my H expression) she offered doesn’t get to me like it should…. if that’s what she feels she needs to do to get a man then I truly pity her.

I also wanted to know if he’d done any of our little ‘intimate’ things with her – mostly non-sexual but still part of our love making, and he said no. She wasn’t really into foreplay, she wanted to get straight to the ‘main event’, she didn’t even like to be stroked. That helped to banish a lot of the mind movies and these days I hardly have any at all.

everyone handles it differently.if you are comfortable not knowing, then by all means, don't ask.i wanted to know.don't know why.i just had to.it let me know a lot about my husband.and i think he has some serious sa issues he's not addressing.helped me realize i needed to get out of the state.it helped me.it won't be helpful for everyone, but for my situation, i asked.

I never got to ask. If I could have I would have wanted to know if he did oral on her, because that would mean he cared about her pleasure, that it was not just about getting off. I would also have asked if they had anal. We tried that unsuccessfully a few times because it hurt me so much. I wonder if that was the one thing she could do that I couldn't.

I wanted to know because I was imagining all the things they did and I imagined far worse than what they actually did.

More than that though, I wanted him to have to look me in the eye and ADMIT everything, to OWN everything.

He was in denial about so much and it was important to me that he FACED all of it.

ETA: it is still the questions that I don't have answers to that bother me far more than any of the ones I do have answers to.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Neverendinghurt, can you just be my spokesperson from now on? This fits me perfectly:

I wanted to know because I was imagining all the things they did and I imagined far worse than what they actually did.

More than that though, I wanted him to have to look me in the eye and ADMIT everything, to OWN everything.

He was in denial about so much and it was important to me that he FACED all of it.

ETA: it is still the questions that I don't have answers to that bother me far more than any of the ones I do have answers to.

Reading these posts brings back all the difficult feelings I had and still have about the OW. A big part of my problem with this whole mess has always been that there was another woman that MY husband had sex with. It is just so unthinkable sometimes. So...this was the reason that I wanted to know how many times they had sex, where, who knew , etc. It helped me put it together in my mind. It helped me to be forced to face the unthinkable. It allowed me to realize that it was possible...that he really did it. I had to ask many questions over and over because it just wasn't sinking in at first. I don't know if it really has ever sunk in. It still seems very unreal to me. It is the one thing that I have had the hardest time handling. My husband fucked somebody while he was married to me. Blows my mind still. I did ask him if they ever had any oral. He says no. I don't believe him. Why wouldn't they? They were "in love". They were plotting against me. They were planning to be together and have a child together. Why not oral? I still don't believe it. This may be the reason I get in touch with her eventually. I want more answers. I don't think he has told me everything. I don't think he can deal with the whole truth. It is devastating to think about your husband having sex with someone else. It was way worse when he finally admitted this. When I thought it was an emotional affair, that was bad enough. When the sex was finally revealed, it was almost too much. They all kinda suck, don't they?

I wanted to know because I was imagining all the things they did and I imagined far worse than what they actually did.

the way i see it, and knowing myself, i don't think i would believe the details he would have told me anyways.

I'm still wavering as to whether I want to know it ALL or just some things. I know enough that I will never be the same, and will never enjoy certain things again. Not sure if this is good or bad, it just is. I haven't asked for any gory details, because quite frankly I'm scared to death what I'll find out.

I think, for me, the reason I wanted to know the sex details was to find out if she did anything different with him than with me. And I guess down deep I wanted to know if he was somehow more "satisfying" than me, although now I know that I can really never know the answer to that, because comparing the NRE of an affair to a 13-year marriage is like comparing apples to oranges.

Now that I have (I think) a more mature understanding of affairs from being here so much and reading and counselling, etc., I realize that those details don't matter so much. It's all about how broken the WS is, and what they intend to do about fixing themselves, and ultimately, your marriage.

I had to know ALL the sordid details! Not that I WANTED to know, but NEEDED to know.

First, and most importantly, I didn't want them to share any intimate acts that were private just between the two of them. I needed to know precisely what and how they did EVERYTHING. I needed to know what was still "mine" or "ours" (and there really wasn't much left they DIDN'T do that was still sacred to me and WH)

And secondly, I really wanted my WH to have to verbalize...actually SAY the nasty, sleezy, dirty words that detailed the filth of their hook ups. I think making him do this made him realize how cheap and nasty the SOW AND the A were. It's nauseating!!

Belive me, it was very, very difficult to sit there and listen to him admit to everything, but I'm glad I did it. No regrets.

There really wasn't anything they did that I hadn't already imagined in my mind. I know what my WH likes, so I could pretty much deduce what acts were performed. Gag one more time !!

[This message edited by gunnisonbrown at 3:48 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)]

I'm with some of the others in that I wanted to know everything. My imagination is far worse than the truth.

Also, WH really wants to forget it ever happened and has worked actively before I found out to make that his reality. He had such a skewed perspective that I really need him to tell me exactly what happened so he can also tell himself. He needs to OWN what he did completely and stop rug sweeping. He needs to face EVERYTHING he did and not just stick it under a blanket of "those 2 days"

For me, there were a couple of reasons. First, I need to know what I am being asked to forgive. But more importantly, I didn't want there to be secrets shared by OW and WH.

This for me....I was fortunate that it was NOT a good experience, she wasn't a supermodel etc... I just needed to finish the puzzle recreated inside my mind with accurate pieces to be able to move on.

keep on my reading list

Like so many other posters, I didn't want there to be any secrets between them. I felt strongly that if he had shared the most intimate moments they shared together, then those moments could not hold any semblance of being sacred or special.

It's hard for me to imagine them having some super sexual experience when I know that her gut made her so self-conscious she would rarely let him see her naked or that her incredibly large behind was so shapeless and saggy that he didn't like looking at it unless she had jeans on to support it. Those kind of facts were beneficial to me, especially in the beginning. Now, I know he enjoyed having sex with her. It was sex. But knowing the details reminds me that there are men who have sex with goats and enjoy it, too. This? Really wasn't so different, except I would have felt sorry for the goat.

We all do what we must to get through it. Questions for some, but not for all.

ETA: It was also funny to hear him say out loud that she had remembered to pack her vibrator for their stolen weekend away together. They'd only been together a few times, but while she was packing her suitcase and lying to her husband about where she was going -- she didn't forget to bring her sex toy. Whipping that out in the middle of their sex act was the equivalent of telling him "I know we've only done it a few times, but already I need something else to get me off."

[This message edited by Grace Under Fire at 4:51 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)]

Right now (2 months out from D-Day), I'm with 100%. My confidence in all areas is shot and knowing details would have me obsessing and drive my self-esteem down further. I respect there's differing views, but no, you are not the odd man out.

For me, it's because I don't want the two of them having any secrets.

Have to second this in there also.

We are in R but sometimes I think I want a divorce because I can't get the thought of the 2 of them out of my head.

So many 'secrets' have come out of this A revelation by my WH, secrets not related to the A. Secrets that would not have been told if I hadn't pushed, pushed again and pushed even harder for more info.

Now he's receiving childhood SAB therapy by an IC specializing in this field.

As far as the sex, yes, I had to know everything. I needed to understand what she was doing to him in 'mind and body' that made him so fearful of losing her when the A was outed. I had to analyze it all in order to determine if he had a chance of remaining in MY life.....

I did ask, and want to know, it took me awhile to figure out why I needed to know. I wanted to know that it was different with these women then it was with me. I wanted to know that I was the special one, ha what a joke me the special one lucky me, but yes I desperately needed to hear the details. Sadly it never left me feeling better, there is no feeling better when your husband sleeps with 18 different women.

Everyone is different and require different things in order to attempt to heal, to R, etc.

In my sitch, I wanted to know everything. I mean, EVERYTHING. The mind movies that were running through my head about them having sex were way, way, WAY worse than the actual truth.

Plus, I think it helped break my WH (not saying this would be true for all WS's) out of some of his fog by having to give every gory detail about OW, every position, smells, what he did to her, what she did to him, size of boobs, etc...I wanted to know as much as possible to uncover every shadow - every secret - there was that I could. Not that we will probably have EVERY detail about the story/stories we are given...but I do know it was personally humiliating and extremely difficult for him to have to spill all those details to me. Every detail, every action, every move was another small betrayal within the huge betrayal...and I could see it hitting home to him as to how much pain he inflicted, and how ashamed he was starting to feel about his actions.

My WH was not really all that remorseful at first - sure, he was upset that he was caught, and "felt bad" that he hurt me - but I didn't see any signs of real remorse until he was forced to lay out every nasty detail about OW and what they did together.

When he gave me tons of details (and I kept asking for more details as I thought of them, over time - which he answered), the most horrid of my mind movies began to fade pretty fast. I still have the mind movies, mind you...but they don't keep me awake night after night with horrible, sick feelings. I know that their sex was NOT special - it was NOT mind-blowing - and that he truly realizes just how disgusting and despicable and horrible his actions were. It forced him to NOT rug sweep the issue.

I personally could not R without the gory details. Others feel the opposite, and that's OK too. It's all what YOU personally need to heal and move forward.