SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree 100% with everyones reasons and explanations for wanting to know the sexual details. BUT, there is one MAJOR ommision here. I believe it is irresponsible of us NOT to know ALL sexual details. I'm probably much more cognizant of this because my H gave me his hole- mate's STD. It was a particular STD that can INCREASE the likelihood of the transmission of HIV, if HIV is present at the time. Our WS's are putting our lives at risk, and we need to know what we are up against, health wise, in addition to all the other pain.

Don't let the fact that WS's are telling you that ' condoms were used ' give you some false sense of security. Some STD's can still be transmitted even if condoms are used, and if oral sex was in the mix, I can almost 100% guarantee you that condoms were NOT used during oral.

Just saying, people, if you don't look after your own health, no one else will!

For me it was important. I'm not laying it down as a rule in general, though, because each to her own.

I feel better knowing more, and to be honest, glad that WH felt so terrible telling me. It helped him realise what a total shit he'd been.

I believe it is irresponsible of us NOT to know ALL sexual details.

I do not know the details. When I first discovered FWH I scheduled a full range of STD tests. Getting tested is the responsible thing to do. Whether or not you know the details getting tested is the right thing to do for yourself.

Yes getting tested is a high priority - I agree. I have been tested 2 times and thank god all is clear. The first time I got tested I didn't know the EA was a PA, but I went with my gut feeling.

I read and hear so many stories about the details - maybe I am just astonished at how insensitive some WS's can be and how when they disclose the fact they tell it in such a hurtful way.

Like I said - I know he had sex with her. I do know they did not use protection. He said the same thing to me about her as he said to me when we first were together. "She was in a 20 year marriage". My come back to that "Well if she cheated on her BH with you - what is to say she doesn't have them lined up". Of course I heard "She's not like that"

I am glad I started this thread - there are a lot of different views and that is always a good thing and I love how no one is saying "this is how you should do it", just giving their experience.

That is how we are all going to survive this.

Peace to All.

I love that line "she's not like that". Really? Just what kind of woman performs every sex act there is with a man she met a few hours before. Sometimes my FWH is an imbecile. I then proved to him she was exactly "like that" and he could'nt believe his stupidity.

I always say that I am a person who does not want details, my H knows that about me.

When I asked him if there was a possibility of the OW being pregnant (which is a dumb question to begin with) he told me that she said not to worry about that AND in the heat of the moment he didn't care.

The fog must have some "stupid gas" mixed in with it.

5. He's not allowed to have any secret memories of their time together. What he knows, I

need to know.

I understand this is what you need to

heal. BUT will he ever be able to tell you enough? Will there come a time when you think you do know everything?

You can't know everything, he can only tell you so much. He can tell

you physically what happened. Will

you ever believe that he has told you

all there is to know?

No, I don't believe for an instant he can or will tell me everything. But this is why I ask, which was the original question. And this is what I have told him. If he has true remorse, his memories are tainted now.

Like I said, this was on my time. We are one flesh, his body is my body. He desecrated our marriage. What he can tell me, he needs to.

I love that line "she's not like that". Really?

Ha! I got that line too! She sent pictures of her vagina to a married father of seven she met online a week before! If she's not like that, who is exactly?!?

I love that line "she's not like that". Really?

Just to go off subject slightly I got something similar to this. His reaction when I asked why he didn't use a condom (other than the fact he'd had a vasectomy and she was menapausal):

"I didn't like to think of her as that kind of woman."

WTF? This is a woman who figured 'family friend' meant helping herself to my H! And as for her telling him she hadn't had sex for 2 years...? Get real.

I feel better knowing more, and to be honest, glad that WH felt so terrible telling me. It helped him realise what a total shit he'd been.

This is exactly how I feel about it. When I ask him, he will tell me, but I can see it makes him squirm, and that's not a bad thing.....it definately brings home to them just how totally crappy the've been!

I admire the strength the ones to ask have/had.

I didn't need to know more than he cheated & OW was pregnant.

I couldn't have looked for the door any more faster. Never looked back neither asked questions. I was not willing to give either the satisfaction that I even had the curiosity to ask.