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Just reading some other threads and I am just realizing that many BS's want to know all the gory details of the sex?

I never asked and I would never want to know - I mean really what is he suppose to say "Oh Honey it was the best sex ever - she let me do this and that and anything I wanted. She was tight, she was this - she did that to me and this to me." I can't fathom my FWH saying those things.

Sure I wanted to know "how" he could have done it. I guess I was more interested in knowing how the hell you put a key into the hotel room door knowing you are going to have sex with someone other than your wife. I never wanted to know what size boobs she had - if she thought his penis was large (which by the way is not - therefore viagra was needed ).

I sortof understand the need to know the pieces to the puzzle, but I don't think I could have sat and listened to FWH telling me about how they had sex, what positions, etc.

Should I know that? Should I want to know that? Just wondering if I am "odd man out" on this.

i'm right there with you. i don't want to know those details. i can't see what good it would do me regardless if we D or I keep staying here.

If I knew all the gory details I dont think I'd ever get that visual out of my head. There are things that I want to know...But...I dont even know what they are.

I want to have good sex in my life. Therefore, I have never asked a sexual question. I don't want to know. I'm assuming they did everything but I'm not about to let him destroy something else I enjoy.

So, just like you.....I have NO idea what they did. Oh wait, yes I do........They destroyed my marriage!

Hmmmm....it was a sick obsession for me. I was just so damn curious about how good was the sex? If it was fabulous (and would he really tell me that? probably not), then do I need to bother? Do I need to step up and make our sex life better? That's what it was for me. We hyperbonded like rabbits, so I guess that is another thing about wanting to know the sex. And also, to avoid certain things. One night, he suggested a certain position and explained that it was more intense, but I didn't realize that he had had actual sex with her. A few days later when I found out that they did have a physical affair, I told him not to suggest anything new. Do I want to do something that he learned with her? No f'ing way. So for 2 different reasons, some details were important. I don't wanna know what grunts and groans they made. I don't want him to re-enact anything with me. But, I did want to know if they had oral sex or just intercourse. Sometimes I do think I would be better off without some of that knowledge, but if I didn't know, I might not let my husband touch me again either.

It's all just madness and sometimes there seems to be no method to it!

The severity of the act would have determined whether or not I could remain married to him.

My imagination is worse than reality.

I don't think that all BS's are asking those exact questions. But I do think that alot of them want to know certain things about sex. Wether there was oral, both given and taken. Any other type of sex. I do believe it does say something about the relationship when you know when, where and how.

I did not ask for opinions on his experiences but I certainly wanted to know what was going on between them. Physically and emotionally.

Everyone is different. This is a case where there is no wrong or right answer. It's up to all of us to decide what's best.

As sparklemotion points out, I first and foremost wanted to know what we reconciling. For me, it also helped put boundaries on the mind movies. Without those boundaries, my mind was able to wander pretty far. Knowing what happened reigned all that in.

Finally, I needed to know she was willing to tell me. To take away the secret they had between each other. If she hadn't answered my questions, I doubt I would have been able to R. That lack of respect would have ended it.

Not saying it works the same for everyone, but it worked in our case

My imagination is worse than reality.

This.

For me it was a matter of knowing the truth, whole truth. I was imagining some wild sex escapade and needed to know if I was right. Made a huge difference as far as me being able to or wanting to R.

I wanted to know because I was imagining all the things they did and I imagined far worse than what they actually did.

More than that though, I wanted him to have to look me in the eye and ADMIT everything, to OWN everything.

He was in denial about so much and it was important to me that he FACED all of it.

ETA: it is still the questions that I don't have answers to that bother me far more than any of the ones I do have answers to.

[This message edited by neverendinghurt at 1:48 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)]

A little tmi at the end!

I wanted to know very basic things with OW#2 (I only knew about her at this point)- was there oral involved, how long did it last, etc. I didn't want him to do anything with me what he did with her. When I found out OW#2 was not just an OEA but was actually a PA, I didn't want to know ANY details because that would forever haunt me. In fact we just got physical for the first time since I found out the full truth about OW#1 and everything was great because we were focused on just us but after going down on him I had a quick thought about the fact that his penis had been in two other women and he asked me what was wrong and I said I had a mind movie and he pulled me up to hold me close and tell me it was okay and when I apologized (for ruining the moment) he told me "it's not your fault don't you ever apologize" which helped me and I know if I knew more details I would torture myself with images and mind movies and awful thoughts.

So I only asked when I felt ONS girl was not a threat and the other girl I felt was so I didn't want to know shit about the details, just the why's.

For me, it's because I don't want the two of them having any secrets.

WH still refuses to tell me some things- our MC has asked him to tell me, and offered to "referee" if you will... I don't know if he'll do it or not. He says I'm looking for a reason to leave by still digging. I don't need another reason to leave...

Wow good points. I guess I never wanted to know all the details. I know there isn't a right or wrong answer to this question. I guess I just always imagined them having sex as we do and that was enough for me. Then I always thought that if she wanted to do the one thing that I never allowed (anal) then oh well. Knowing that certainly would not make me want to do it anyway.

More than that though, I wanted him to have to look me in the eye and ADMIT everything, to OWN everything

Good point!

I just read some threads and it seems so hurtful to hear. Especially if the WS is saying it in such a hurtful way. The A is hurtful enough, but to sit there and hear how great the sex was with the AP is unbelievable to me.

I never asked about the sex. I was destroyed with just the EA part. I agree with HowMany. Why let them ruin something else for me.

I ended up knowing details of the sex but not because I asked.

I had told FWH at one point early on after Dday and during TT "I know you're not telling me everything. You have 24 hours to tell me everything or our communications continue only through my lawyer"

He told me everything alright. Right down to nasty step by step recounting of their first sexual encounter.

xOW helped out too. She would email me recounts of it. With pictures for added clarity.

Thanks to that, there are things I will never ever EVER do or say sexually with my FWH ever again.

I never wanted to know these things but there's not way I can UN-know them. If there was a way, I would UN-know them in a heartbeat.

Frankly I needed to know what of my favorite acts they sullied.

But I can tell you without asking him, I AM FAR BETTER IN BED than his AP!

I know I am

He just wont experience that for a long time to come.

For me, there were a couple of reasons. First, I need to know what I am being asked to forgive. But more importantly, I didn't want there to be secrets shared by OW and WH.

As it turns out, the secrets were more important to him, which gave me vital information about the (nonexistent) prospects for R. Knowing this was critical for me to move forward constructively.

I also wanted there to be NO secerts between them. I wanetd to know so their A had no power because I knew everything. He was willing to share everything with me because he was willing to do anything to save our M. Including throwing her under the bus and treating her like the WHORE she is.

No that she knew that I knew everything BUT the point is in my mind, she lost and the A lost power over me. They didn't do anything special or fantastic. She wasn't anything special or worth remembering.

It was very healing knowing that sex wasn't mind blowing. And that he was disappointed in her lack of imagination.

Everyone is different so how we handle the A, the aftermath and the R is going to be different.