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I am a bit shaken by some of the advice you have received on here but I understand where the "don't tell" crowd is coming from. The pain they are feeling is not a pain I have felt because my FWW confessed, took FULL responsibility, did no blame shifting or TT’d and was TOTALLY committed to whatever I needed for R. If you do these things then your BH’s pain will not be the same as the BSs who have not had this level of commitment from their WS. The thing is icbtih8 is right – not confessing simply won’t work. Erica8 tried several times to end the A but also keep it to herself and OM. The A would start up again because the overwhelming guilt made life unbearable and the A became an escape… from the A. Vicious cycle.

Please also consider that NC with OM will be impossible if you don’t confess. This was also another factor in our situation as OM was a friend to both of us and not confessing to me perpetuated that false friendship. Your BH deserves to know what his so called BFF has been up to. Don’t let your guilt make you feel sympathetic towards OM. Think of your situation from the outside. Say you never had the A and found out that OM had been cheating with another of your close friend’s wives. How would you see him? Even though you have done this yourself, that does not change what he has done to his friend and he is fully responsible for that. Your actions do not justify his.

In some cases the A ending and a confession not being made does not always end up with the A starting up again or you cheating with someone else. Sometimes it’s worse. My FWW was severely suicidal during the A. If she had managed to end it permanently, find a way to end her friendships with OM, TBF (read my story for details) and TBF’s H without me being suspicious and did not confess anything she would have NO support system. I guarantee you she would have killed herself.

I cannot stress this enough from someone who has been and is there CONFESSING IS THE RIGHT THING FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED. You have to do it right – NO blame shifting, you are 100% to blame for this. NO TT at all. That doesn’t mean blurting out everything at once, it means NEVER lying or leaving out a detail when asked, it means that if you forget a detail when he asks, the second you remember you go to him and volunteer the information. A timeline is the best way to do this. You have to take FULL responsibility and be 100% committed to R and 100% prepared to face whatever consequences he believes are fair (within reason of course – he has no right to demean or abuse you).

I want to say that from your post, if you are being 100% genuine, I am very proud of you for making this decision. It’s a hard one to make and I know very few people with enough integrity to make it. Your BH will see this once the shock and pain start to subside. Doing this makes you a woman of integrity NOW. You may have done some horrible things in the past but NOW and for the rest of your life is what matters.

I just want to reiterate two very important comments Tolmodur made:

I am a bit shaken by some of the advice you have received on here but I understand where the "don't tell" crowd is coming from. The pain they are feeling is not a pain I have felt because my FWW confessed, took FULL responsibility, did no blame shifting or TT’d and was TOTALLY committed to whatever I needed for R. If you do these things then your BH’s pain will not be the same as the BSs who have not had this level of commitment from their WS. The thing is icbtih8 is right – not confessing simply won’t work. Erica8 tried several times to end the A but also keep it to herself and OM. The A would start up again because the overwhelming guilt made life unbearable and the A became an escape… from the A. Vicious cycle.

People told me this, but I NEVER believed them. It is so, so true. No blame shifting at ALL, no TT, nothing. I played that 'game' after my DDay1....thought that since my husband knew 'some' of it that he had been caused enough pain. Not true. My husband is in pain, but not nearly to the degree that I read on here about because after he read the truth (I did not confess, I actually was doing what you were doing, trying to figure out how to tell him and then he read me writing about it), I told him EVERYTHING. I didn't blame our marriage, my issues, nothing. There is no excuse and I knew that at that point.

I cannot stress this enough from someone who has been and is there CONFESSING IS THE RIGHT THING FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED. You have to do it right – NO blame shifting, you are 100% to blame for this. NO TT at all. That doesn’t mean blurting out everything at once, it means NEVER lying or leaving out a detail when asked, it means that if you forget a detail when he asks, the second you remember you go to him and volunteer the information. A timeline is the best way to do this. You have to take FULL responsibility and be 100% committed to R and 100% prepared to face whatever consequences he believes are fair (within reason of course – he has no right to demean or abuse you).

I guess this is similar, but again, no TT, nothing. I wrote a timeline almost immediately even though my BH said he didn't want the details. He did eventually and now he has them for whenever he needs to process the affair and what happened. I left nothing out while I was writing and I've had to add to it a few times (once just this week) because I remember an additional encounter or detail. You have the 'benefit' of being able to do this before Dday. Now, I wouldn't throw it at him right away, but maybe mention that you have written down all of the details for when he is ready.

Good luck, this is going to be a long, hard road but you have to do it so you can have a 'true' marriage, not one built on lies.

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 7:33 AM, August 16th (Tuesday)]

The truth always comes out. You may think that there's no way, but it does.

I am a BW. I found out about my SAWH's long distance EA/PA completely by accident from one piece of evidence that was tied to his actual account. It was a complete and utter accident that I came across this item that was 2 years old.

If you read in General and Reconciliation, you'll see a bunch of BS's who found out completely out of the blue.

There was NO evidence. I had no idea he had several other email accounts. He called her from a work phone and always deleted the call logs and didn't have her number in memory. He used the work computer InPrivate broswing. Their 2 day sex fest was on a business trip that happened to be in her state. There was NOTHING for me to find.

Yet I did. And I wasn't looking for it.

I can say with fair certainty that if he had told me instead of me finding all the details out myself, it would have helped me retain a shred of trust in him. If the TT to "protect" me hadn't gone on for months, maybe. We're building trust back at a snail's pace, but there will always be doubt.

The truth always comes out. Let it be from you showing that you are ready to be in an honest, true, equal relationship.

Yes, there are times I wish I had never known. But if I had found out after this A, maybe he would have gotten help and we would be further along in healing. Instead, he went on to more boundary pushing activities.

It was completely unfair for him to make unilateral choices regarding what I could know and not know about my marriage. I was never given the choice to move on to find someone who would love me and only me and who wouldn't put me at emotional and physical risk. There was relief when I started lining up the times he was engaged in emotionally distancing activities and how I was being treated at that time and realizing it WASN'T something I had done or said or that I was being unfair.

The truth truly does set you free. I may not like how I got here, but I'm a hell of a lot stronger and grown up than I was 9 months ago. I hate the experience, but I no longer live in my happy pink bubble. I see the world for exactly what it is. May not be pretty all the time, but it's real.

[This message edited by KickedintheGut at 7:47 AM, August 16th (Tuesday)]

as a BW I found out accidently 5 years after the fact...trust me...the truth will come out! I am sure my FWH's OP thought that "their" secret was safe but I found out & all involved were forced to confess. Tell your BH. Its the right thing to do. My FWH feels like a weight has been lifted since he was forced to confess. Do I like knowing about his affair? NO, but I would not change that fact for living a lie. If I were given the choice I would still want to know!

I really appreciate everybody’s comments and stories, both the support and the blunt honesty. I can understand why some people are telling me not to confess. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is cause my husband any pain and turn our lives up side down halfway through a pregnancy. However, I just don't think NOT confessing is an option for me. To withhold that information is to continue to lie. How can I truly change for the better if I'm still a liar? It’s certainly not about making myself feel better. There will be no relief of my conscious through my confession. I'm completely shocked and disgusted when I look back at my actions and think of having to expose those to BH.

Yes, I am absolutely willing to take FULL responsibility for my actions. No matter what issues my marriage might have, there is NO excuse for what I did. I’m also completely aware that this could be the end of my marriage. I want to believe that he would forgive me and be willing to reconcile, but I have to face the consequences of my actions and that may be one of them.

As for the OM and OW, I agree my marriage is my priority and I will focus on that alone at the moment. I just know it’s going to come up sooner than later and I feel almost as bad for what it’s going to do to their marriage as I do my own. One confession is hard enough. I just can’t imagine having to sit OW down and confess to her also. Ugh.

I know this will be of complete insignificance soon but I’m a planner so I’m thinking of every detail. Would it be better for me to get this over with asap or maybe wait until the weekend so he wouldn’t have to worry about going into work the next day?

Each second you hold the truth away from him will be another second he will have to look back and see how that part of his life was a lie to him.

My H confessed but then he lied too. BIG MISTAKE. As everyone else has said, don't lie/TT or minimize. There is nothing worse. It's a terrible form of manipulation! Also, he confessed without any sort of game plan and that kept both of us kind of floundering. He was really unprepared for the extent of the damage/chaos that followed.

If you are going to do this, I suggest having a detailed timeline written out ahead of time. Everything and anything that is relevant. It will be very hard to play catch up and remember things during the fallout, and that will take time away from your H. Time he will need your support and have tons of questions. Best to try to have as many answers up front, including the whys. It will be hard for you to keep your head about you and to respond to your H with the stress in the days after DDay. You sound prepared, but make sure you are very prepared, don't rely on thinking you will keep the clear head that you have now. I would tell him on a weekend.

Our circumstance was different because my H had said months earlier that he wanted to leave the M, but just didn't move out. I gave up and was coming to terms with that and I was actually looking forward to my future. Only then did he finally clue in he was about to lose everything that mattered to him. There are times, I've viewed this as selfish, he was still only thinking about what he wanted, and I wished he'd just let me go and not confessed - to avoid all the pain it's caused me. And I've told him that. I already had months of pain with my M was ending and he was so distant. I was finally getting my confidence back, only to be knocked down again.

Had I found out later, and I would have if his A continued to be his next immediate relationship, I would have been even more devastated and outraged and hated him for the rest of my life. So, it's a no win situation, there is always pain involved. By confessing, I did realize that the decision to try again was his, he was not caught. That's some comfort and I decided I wanted him here vs needing him here because he is willing to put in an enormous amount of hard work that he has never attempted in the past.

I worry for you especially being pregnant. This is going to be unbelieving stressful, but then so is carrying the burden of a huge lie. (((hugs)))

[This message edited by igetbackupagain at 9:29 AM, August 16th (Tuesday)]

Admittedly did not read the whole thread, but chiming in anyway.

I think waiting til the weekend is a good idea. It is very difficult to function for weeks after this kind of bomb gets dropped. Giving him the ability to process all of this without any other demands for at least the first couple of days would be helpful.

I also agree that confessing while also taking responsibility is worth a lot.

Good luck.

mrsdwp6, I'm a BS. When I initially read your thread last night, I was in the "don't tell" camp, but I was projecting my own strong feelings about my betrayal onto your situation and I was clear enough to see that, barely, but I thank God I could see it and I erased my post before I posted it. I logged back in after a sleepless night due to the fact my own R is a mess to tell you that I'm behind you all the way in your goal for honesty. I initially felt you should suffer in silence for your sins because the pain your BS is going to suffer at your hand is not something you can yet comprehend. Prepare yourself as best you can, it will be horrifying. I wanted to try to 'protect' your BH from what I've been through. Then I realized, he won't go through what I've gone through. Yes, the betrayal is deep and awful and he will be devastated, but that's where our stories diverge. He won't have to "catch" you cheating on him to find out. He won't have to wonder every second of every damn day for the rest of his life if you're "choosing" him because you love him or because you have to settle for him because you lost your OM when you got caught. You won't TT him to death, destroying any chance of rebuilding trust, you won't lie to his face and then get caught in another affair with ANOTHER person because you were too much of a coward to tell the whole truth at the beginning. You won't be delivering the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech" right before you leave your home to go be with your OM. You won't be telling your BH that he's got "issues" and needs counseling and that you are leaving him if he doesn't get his shit together, knowing all the while you're lying and cheating on him and blaming him for it. You won't continue to blame the marriage and other issues for the cheating instead of just owning it completely.

All of that happened to me/is happening to me. NONE of that will happen to your BH if you are the one to deliver the news and you do it right, as other WS have advised you. Hold nothing back, answer every question a million times if you have to, do not TT even the tiniest detail, even if you think it's not important. Believe me, every little detail is important. The most important thing is to understand you cannot get angry or defensive, NO MATTER WHAT. That is killing me in my R. I'm still getting blamed, the marriage is getting blamed, the 'reasons why' are always sanitized to sound less offensive. What you've done is offensive, there is no way to make it sound neat and clean. You have to accept that and deal with it. There is no way to pretty up an A or make it less offensive. Please, for your BH's sake, don't try. Don't say or do anything that will make him feel any more foolish and humiliated than he will already be. You have to be humble and you have to suffer the shame. Don't make it be his cross to bear. Things would be much different for me if my WH had confessed EVERYTHING as you are planning to do for your BH. But my WH would never have confessed...the morning he told one of his OW he was leaving me for her, she panicked, bolted and told him to never contact her again. He was crushed. The very next day I caught him with the other OW. His choices to end the A's were made FOR him, not BY him. That will haunt me until I die. He didn't choose me...I was just the only option left. You are choosing your BH, you have chosen him. My WH was planning to leave me and our children but if he'd changed his mind and ended his A's on his own, he'd have taken his lies and cheating to the grave. He wouldn't have had the courage to face me. How do I know this? Because he didn't have the courage to face me when it all came out. He lied, TT'd, blameshifted and did everything he could to protect his own ass. Didn't give a shit about mine.

For all the horror about to descend upon your husband one thing still remains: you have made your choice, chosen him and now you're willing to do whatever it takes, even if it means losing him, to be honest with him. You've decided to do the right thing ON YOUR OWN. You, your heart, your conscious, your brain, your soul. YOU are making the decision, not waiting for someone else to do it. That is an incredibly scary, incredibly brave thing to do. While I could never condone your infidelity or feel compelled to feel sorry for you, per se, I am still able to honestly admire your courage. I wish you luck and I will keep you and your BH in my prayers.

I do think you should use the next few days to write down everything in a timeline and prepare yourself so you can answer every question and not have to say "I forgot" or "I don't remember". Those are phrases to avoid...what a BS hears is "I don't want to tell you that." Tell him when he'll have a day or two to absorb it before going back to work.

Your OM's BW is his concern, not yours. He cheated on his wife, HE has to deal with that. You have your own marriage to fight for and protect and it will be hard. You can't be wasting your resources on anyone else. Focus on your husband, he's all that should matter to you.

You my dear have a tremendous opportunity here that I think the majority of remorseful WS’s wish they had. The opportunity to confess. Please do not take this opportunity and squander it. You will never have it again if he finds out by other means. The fact that this was with his best friend and you and his wife are all friends….. IT WILL COME OUT!!!!!! That much I can promise you.

I will keep this short and sweet since you have received such great advice. Which btw is what you will get here at SI.

There are many reasons for you to confess, but the biggest is because IF your BS decides to give you the GIFT of reconciling, you can not build the foundation needed to have a NORMAL HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP with you husband with out confessing. It just can’t happened. And you BS will know if you’re (pardon the pun please) BSing him. I will tell you that from experience he will know if you are. While my FWS and I have made progress all along the way, our biggest strides came AFTER ALL WAS OUT.

I wish my FWS would be on here more to help because he will attest to all of the above.

Remember: The truth will come out. Your BS will be devastated. Wouldn’t you rather be the one he hears it from?

If you want the chance to keep your M and heal together from this, then you need to confess and start building that foundation, without the cracks of deception.

[This message edited by Heartbroken1993 at 9:47 AM, August 16th (Tuesday)]

You guys...she's already made it clear that she IS going to confess. So instead of beating a dead horse, maybe you all can help her with the question she posted below.

Would it be better for me to get this over with asap or maybe wait until the weekend so he wouldn’t have to worry about going into work the next day?

Tell him now. This second.

Have a timeline ready and make sure you are ready to reveal every thing. Start with the basics and get as detailed as he requests. Show no defensiveness. Offer to take a lie detector test and schedule it. Offer paternity tests. Give him every account password. Close any social media you have and be there for him. Be there for the anger, the intense hurt, the questions.

Are you in IC?

Never defend your actions. Point him to this site.

Good luck. You can do this. You will both find support here.

I think you shouldn't wait. Having work may be a good thing. I know it always is for me. It's individual but every second you withhold he is robbed of a chance to start to heal from this shit storm.

Thinking of you both.

It's hard to answer that question because none of us know your BH. If you told now he might like having work to get him thru and have something to concentrate on. If you told him on the weekend he might have some time to recover.

My opinion is: you have already made enough decisions about the marriage (the A). Tell him now and let him decide what to do. Does he have some vacation time saved up? Does he have family or friends nearby he can talk to? What previous posters haven't mentioned is that he is going to have to deal with a double betrayal.

Every one is different. As much as you want to prepare for telling him there is no way really to prepare for his reaction. Take a deep breath and tell him. The fact you want to tell is HUGE! Later it will make a difference. Good luck

If you don't tell him (and the sooner the better - there is NO "perfect" time to tell!) then just WHO are you going to be accountable to?

Yourself?

He NEEDS and DESERVES to know. And you need to prepare yourself that this may be a deal-breaker for him. But he must be told.

Wait till friday night. This will give him a couple days to process and ask the questions he needs before deciding on what to do about work.

Again so VERY proud of you - I know that might not mean much from a stranger but you should be proud of yourself for doing this.

I’m torn on which way to go with this. I completely understand about wanting to wait so your BS has time to process without work. I also feel that you are on borrowed time with this. Your BS may already suspect something is up just by the fact that you’re preparing for this. He may sense that something is different with you.

I what to also advise that make sure that your daughter is NOT around when this happens. She doesn’t need see or hear anything. I know she is young but she will also sense that something is amiss. My DD was about 1 when my DD hit. She had some issues with sleeping, eating, and bm’s (sorry for tmi). But it was temporary.

Also, please take care of yourself. I know that right now your in the mist of pregnancy and this will cause stress to your body. You new little guy still has a lot of baking to be done in the oven. (BTW DD and DS were both December babies).

Take a deep breath and I say you tell before the weekend.

From one member to another Your are AWESOME, you will do AWSOME, and you will continue to be AWESOME!!!!

Hold that head high!!!

Good job on making some good decisions! Keep it up and prepare for the long hard road ahead.

I wouldn't let anything stop you from confessing now while your determination is high. If your husband is anything like me, he'll be just as devastated next Monday as he will be tomorrow if you tell him today. There is no good time for this. I would tell him now.

You're in a real tough spot. As others have said, there is no perfect time to tell him. We'll all be able to second guess this all day.

This would be my fear. The OW and the OMW are friends of yours. A fairly close knit group is how you describe it. What happens if you decide to wait until Friday, and somehow the OMW finds out tonight and calls your BH? Stranger things have happened.

My wife kept multiple affairs from me for years. It was a fluke thing that showed me the truth. It's much better the hear it from the source than to find out some other way.

What you have to do won't be fun. I know you say you're a planner, but I can pretty much assure you your BH won't behave the way you expect him to. It takes bravery to be honest.

Sending you both strength

I would tell him ASAP. He needs to know now!

Rip that band-aid off quickly and tell him now. The longer you wait the harder it will be for him to heal.

It does not matter if you tell him on a Monday morning or a Friday night. No matter when you tell him his life will change at that very second and every Monday morning and Friday night to follow will never be the same,

Have your time line ready, do not delete anything from e mail or phone records have them ready too.

The BW ( betrayed wife) needs to know about this ASAP too. Either your BH can tell her if he wants to or he can have you do it but she needs to know and her WH is not going to tell her.

He ruined her life but you did help. You need to show her you have changed by doing the right thing. And no matter what happens after that you are to remain NC with the OM forever.

Good luck to you, you are doing the right thing. I wish you the best.