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Tell him right away. Tell him you are prepared to answer all the questions he has now AND you will have a timeline ready for him this Friday.

Let him be the one to tell you what he needs after disclosure.

I think you are doing the right and compassionate thing by telling him the truth. Be strong for him and your family.

Tell him right away. Tell him you are prepared to answer all the questions he has now AND you will have a timeline ready for him this Friday.

Gonna have to revise to agree with this - after all he can call in sick if work is too much after this. Dragging it out won't help and if there is a chance he could find out in the mean time (and you don't know what kind of chance there might be) it would destroy everything you are trying to accomplish here. Tell him as soon as you can.

I also agree with not having your little one around when you tell him. Put her to bed first. AND be very careful to monitor your own stress levels, smaller things have caused complications in a pregnancy.

Betrayed husband here: the circumstances you are talking about seem about as good as a BH can ask for, in terms of wife being contrite, open, etc. I can't tell you how bad it sucks to have your wife shift the blame, get mean, hide everything, etc.

That said, it is going to be ugly.

Just remember, your marriage is suffering right now and will continue to suffer. In my opinion, there is no way to avoid the pain. There are just decent and responsible ways to deal with it. You look like you want to go that route. Good luck.

For me, I much preferred the truth. I got my life back, while at the same time having it upended. Because he knows something is going on.

Honestly, I would speak with an IC as well, probably before doing this. Get some real professional advice you trust.

Speaking as a betrayed husband I will offer a little advice.

First, I would not confess until you have written out EVERYTHING, if not for your husband then for yourself. Take the next few days or a week to get everything down on paper. Even if it your intent to be 100% open and honest there will be numerous items that you might not recall at the time of your confession and your husband will probably be asking a lot of questions over the coming months. If your story changes over time I believe he might feel you are not being honest, and quite frankly you need to avoid this at all costs.

If you do decide to seek IC before confessing be very careful. My wife was advised to minimize what she told me and this had a very negative effect. Again, back to the concept of being totally open and honest.

Be prepared for your husband to ask “Why?” and “How could you do this?”. These are two very different questions and as best as you can you need to prepare your honest answers.

I recommend doing this on a Friday night, at home. Have someone plan on keeping your daughter for at least Friday night. Do not have anyone else present (friend, pastor, etc).

Please do not try to portray yourself as a victim of another man’s advances. We all know that one person alone cannot have an affair. Own up to whatever role you played, trust me this will become an issue at some point.

Finally, under no circumstances tell your husband you have not told him before now because you did not want to hurt him. Personally, this was akin to a slap in my face. My personal opinion was and is that while I do not think my wife wanted to hurt me she chose not to confess because she did not want to be caught, thus she was selfish in her actions and in her decision not to tell me.

I realize that you say you have already decided to confess and I applaud you for doing so. I will simply chime in here that I found out 23 years after the fact completely by accident. So for me, our house is full of 23 years of lies that can never be reclaimed. In my opinion she never confessed, she admitted, big difference to the BS.

Should you feel the need for other information as to dealing with a betrayed husband feel free to PM me. As long as your are being honest and making every effort then I will be more than happy to help in any way possible.

I wish you courage, resolve.

For me as a betrayed male... It didn't matter what day of the week I was brought to my knees and curled up in a ball on the floor....

It's all a blur... Friday? Tuesday? Monday?.... Didn't matter and never will.... What decided the outcome ultimately was the way it was presented and handled by the ex (we never had a chance with the TT and lies)...

Do it now, tomorrow or even the next day... Does anyone really remeber what day of the week the Titanic sank? Nope, just that it sank....

You made many choices during your A... Now you made another choice and it's a good one... Just know... The longer you wait... The more distrust you'll have to overcome...

The fuse is burning.... You decide... How long are you going to let the victims wait while the fuse burns...

WB

I can see the wisdom in telling on Friday. I know I was in little shape to work. Of course there may be a shock reaction that cushions it for a few days before the really bad part kicks in. If you do decide to wait, use that time well. Make up a timeline, or write a short journal that spills all the details. Assemble printouts of any emails, list things that were discussed with OM that may be relevant, and have all of this ready. Do not just say I have some news, and dump this on him however. Be prepared to discuss it with him, and say simply that you have arranged documents to verify what you are telling him, with all the unvarnished truth. This will let him decide how much he wants to know, and how deep he is prepared to dig, and how quickly.

Also, fasten your seatbelt and keep your arms inside the car at all times. This rollercoaster is brutal.

May I suggest telling him with a trusted, experienced counselor or pastor by your side?

This is an extremely charged situation. You are pregnant. One can never know how volatile this kind of situation can become.

I wish you well.

I'm going to gently disagree with having someone else present when you tell. As a BS, the humiliation is enormous enough - having someone else "witness" it would've added to the trama.

This is between YOU and your HUSBAND - no one else needs to be present for the time being. Please, don't subject him to further humiliation by having someone witness his life as he's known it impoloding.

Wow! I am scared...when I am not even you, I wonder how you are feeling. Very sorry you led yourself into this mess. You can come out of it. Since you have decided to tell him, which is best, the actual telling is always the issue.

I am a BS and shortly after became WW courtesy of oral sex with an OM once. My mind knows that telling is the best decision, but I have not been able to get myself to tell. If such a small encounter causes me panic episodes (H has never met OM), I can only imagine how hard it is going to be for you.

Meanwhile as you prepare to tell, assure him. Give him assurance that he is the man you want to be with. You are imperfect and has made the biggest mistake you will ever make. Read alot to get alot of positivity. Everything is going to seem against you after this, his family, the society and OM's wife and close shared friends.

Note that incase you blame shift, TT etc, forget a great marriage ever with this man. Even if he stays after this, it is near impossible for the trust in the marriage to be restored.

I would have liked my WH to have saved any emails suggesting NC or "proof" that he had stopped things before I found out. As it is, I have to take his word for it and after a year of TT and lies, that is hard to do.

[This message edited by cautioptimistic at 8:26 AM, August 20th (Saturday)]

I really, really appreciate every reply to my situation. Every perspective and word of encouragement is tremendously helpful to me. I’m planning on confessing soon, maybe this evening, no later than Friday evening.

I'm probably not going to post here again until it's done because reading about how awful it's going to be is just making me more anxious than I already am (though I do appreciate the warnings). I've recalled, organized, and rehashed the ugly details enough. Now I'm going to try and focus on the big picture and WHY I know it is right to confess up until the moment I do. Thank you again for your help.

I am complete agreement with Devestatedx5.

Third parties should be involved only after the initial disclosure and by the request of the BS(within reason. If you fear for the safety of your self or him then you need take action)

Eta: i crossed replied with your latest post. GOOD LUCK. WISHING YOU BOTH STRENGTH AND PEACE

[This message edited by Heartbroken1993 at 10:25 AM, August 17th (Wednesday)]

Prayers for you.

Get him on here afterwards if you can - I welcome any PM as would Erica8 if either of you need someone to talk to. I've been where he's about to be I might be able to help. And Erica8 has been where you are right now and are about to be so I know I can say the same on her behalf.

Good luck.

Oh and some words of encouragement:

It won't all be fallout. With the exception of the OM, his F (who was more of an acquaintance) and the fucktards Erica8 was hanging out with, she has not lost a single friendship over this. And even then, the majority of these SHE chose to end. The confession helped the other people in our lives to see her as a hurt person who did something hurtful instead of a horrible person. My family loves and supports her as much as they do me. Her parents are Mennonite Brethren - never thought they would ever forgive her for this - but guess what? They have been amazing and completely supportive of her and it's all because she confessed and turned from it fully. Coming clean will make some of this better.

I agree with Tolmodur. Its not always all be bad! My wife waited until a year after the A ended to confess and her confession happened a year ago. Before the confession, life was not good at all. Our relationship was so strained, we both were at times driven to despair and my wife almost started a second A out of pure self-loathing. We were only able to heal and get better after she told me. There was a lot of pain involved, but this past year has been HUGELY better than before. We both love each other and can see light ahead of us instead of darkness. I'll bet your H already knows something is wrong. No matter what he decides, this is going to help all involved.

WS here.

All I would like to say is, tell him now! Have your time line ready I the event he has questions. If he does not, he will need all the time in the world to process any information, and details you provide. No matter what, all you have to say is going to kill him to hear. Be prepared, but DO NOT MAKE THE DECISION FOR HIM as to when you feel would be the best opportunity. There is NO best time. Stop now, youre thinking for him. I did this and it set us back tremendously on several occasions and it caused a lot of repressio for me. Tell him as soon as you have your shit together in best preparation of what is about to come next. Do not be robotic. Listen closely to your H. Make notes as you need while coming clean. Notes are best, in the event he is in shock from what you tell him, he can later go back, process and ask additional questions when HE feels HE needs clarification.

He will without a doubt need your support and love. Be there for him seven if he says he wants out our you out. His reactions are going to go in directions that you could never imagine. Pure HELL isn't any word for the BS.

I wish you all the best. PM me if you like. Invite your H to this site. Read a lot. You have 3~5 if not longer to go through HELL with him. Once all is disclosed, it will be all up to him to decide what he wants to do. You have really no decisions left until he is ready to include you again.

I'm paying for you. I wish I had this as an opportunity instead of my H finding out.

Hugs and prayers!!!!! This entire thread choked me up to a ball of tears.

My best.....

DeeplyRemorseful

And most definetly seek IC. You will both need it.

tell him ASAP. waiting only delays the inevitable. it's going to be ugly. the things said will hurt. this may be the end of your M. the heartache will go on for a what seems like an eternity. when we say it's a roller coaster, we're not lying. it is in every sense of the word. you seem ready. but don't be surprised if you're nowhere near as ready as you thought. I can't tell you how much I respect you for confessing on your own. good luck..keep us posted, if you will...

BH here, and probably not bringing up something you want to read, but I think you should know this.

When your betrayed husband is told, his first reaction is probably going to be a strong desire to kill his "friend." (Yeah, some friend) I am serious. And don't discount this. Not all men are like me, so maybe he will not, but I wanted to put a 9mm slug in OM's kneecap. Then for a brief but very real time, I was going to extract his internal organs, one by one, until he either bled out or the pain caused him to go into shock. And if it wasn't for my son in the room, I am not sure I would not have. Maybe I would have found strength but I wanted revenge more than I wanted to live.

I am not telling you this to get you frightened, although I am sure it is scary.

I am telling you this so you can make a decision before you see him react. Your instinct will likely be to protect your lover. You will want to warn OM.

I am here to tell you that if you do that, you might as well have the divorce papers ready to sign. He might one day forgive the adultery, but the added betrayal of siding with OM will never be forgiven.

You have to be ready to take the full blame and get him to focus on you. Not just at the time of disclosure, but throughout any possible healing that you might help him.

I am sorry for the harshness of this. But you need to know what potentially to expect.

Strength to you...

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 10:08 AM, August 18th (Thursday)]

what is TT? plz