SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Horizen-

My heart breaks for you, and your kids.

You have shown such strength.

Know that YOUgave it your best. Unfortunately for your WW, she just didn't see it. She will come to regret this, and, like most WS the karma bus is chugging along just for her.

Sending you hugs.

I am glad you did it Horizen.

That step is really difficult. Stay strong, you did not stray, you are not at fault.

Never forget. This is NOT YOUR FAULT in any way, shape, or form. It's good to be "self aware" and know where things were rough but NONE of that excuses what she did. YOU are not causing financial rui. YOU are not ending the marriage. YOU are not doing anything bad to you kids. So don't let her try and tell you that crap.

If she was seeing another guy then she already LEFT the marriage.

In the end your kids will be much better off than if you keep the high stress/sham/three-people-in-a-marriage stuff going.

You've taken the first steps to making your life and your kids lives better.

Hugs and strength brother!

1.) Because I'm asking her to leave the house (as I said I didn't want to share my wife) I'm financially ruining this family.

2.) I have always told her that on D-Day I had no idea I was even close to losing her as a wife. She proclaimed on that day, I wasn't close to losing her at all...she had total plans of continuing the marriage...however because I found out - I opened a door for her to look in. She's now decided that she's never felt "whole" since we were married and as a result wants out so she can find her happiness.

3.) She claims she no longer feels the love that she once felt for me. I said yeah, because you are having an affair/sex and sharing I love you's with another man.

LAME!

Yes Horizon, this divorce is all your fault for finding out about the A. When it's final, she will probably also tell you she hopes you're happy now that you have the divorce you wanted.

I'm so sorry. You just have to ignore that shit or it will eat a hole in your stomach.

Horizon, please remember that nothing you did caused her to cheat. The things that you described going through in 2007 - 2009 are pretty normal marital issues (I am so sorry about your Mom. I lost my beloved Grandfather to Alzheimer's and it sucks ass) and most marriages are able to weather that storm as a TEAM. She has her part in those years as well. If she was unhappy (about things beyond your control - boo hoo) she had a responsibility to tell you.

The last time I checked our marriage vows said, "For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad." Don't give your wife a free pass for ignoring those promises she made to you. My WH tried the same thing and I will NOT take responsibility for his A. Especially since he never told me he was unhappy. In fact, I kept hearing the exact opposite. How am I supposed to know to work on the marriage when I don't know there is a problem?! And cheating is NEVER OK. NEVER. If you are that darn unhappy, leave. But don't cheat.

They really have no clue how much pain they are causing us. I really wish we could make them feel like we do for just one day. My WH told me I could beat him up (when I told him I wanted to hurt him) so I punched him as hard as I could (I do NOT advocate violence in any way - but boy did it feel good) then told him that the hurt that caused was a drop in the ocean compared to what I was feeling every second of every day.

Hugs and hugs and hugs to you and your children. I do know from my experiences with my ex that children CAN survive this and it is so much better for them that the marriage end than to watch their father be destroyed by their cheating mother. My kids keep telling me how they wish I'd left their father sooner. Then they would have been spared so much of the Hell they lived through. I'll never forget that. So don't think you are hurting your children by making this decision. You are actually protecting them.

Hang in there. We care.

Ironic, last night she told me that the affair is over because he moved three hours away. Yet today, she's spent over an hour on the phone with him. Makes me feel creepy / dirty. She wonders why I want her out of the house? What can I trust in her anymore? Frightening. What a bummer.

On issues like marriage and relationships the truth is as we perceive it. So your wife only sees truth in how miserable and bad the marriage was.

IMHO the best way to handle this is simply by not entering arguments about it. When she makes these claims about the condition of the marriage you simply say something like “I’m sorry you feel this way. This is something we could have addressed in MC. However while the affair is ongoing these issues and any other reason for the direction of our marriage are secondary. The affair is killing our marriage – nothing else.”

The ONLY issue I would be willing to enter an argument on with her is her comment about your decision causing financial hardship on the family. I would very vocally and directly refute that:

“No – it’s your decision to actively seek emotional and physical validation outside the marriage that is causing these issues.”

@ Bigger:

Thank you for your comments. I totally agree and employed many of those statements last night / today.

This is the same woman that use to stop by my work, just to grab a kiss, right before I found out.

It's remarkable what a fog can do to someone.

This day is a tough one. I've given CPR to a few people in my life; including my father and a close friend. Sometimes you can feel them slipping away, but know there's nothing you can do to save them. I feel this same emotion throughout this experience...and it's perhaps why I've struggled so.

We had a good marriage, a beautiful family in which all of us were thriving. In walks OM and poof.

I dread the upcoming divorce process, support, split homes, etc.

Ugh.

Bigger is right. LIfe is how we perceive it. What A does is to change the perspection of her own life. In her own little guilt-ridden mind, she suddenly sees only the negative sides of her entire marriage. This is what we call fog babble.

Nobody is a perfect spouse. You were not, but certainly neither was she. Don't dwell on the things she said and don't let those comments make you feel guilty about this situation. What she wants is to carry on this affair while mainting the status quo of family life with you. Once she gets found out, she reveals the true color of cheater. This is very common. She has been feeding off on 90% of her EN from you while enjoying the 10% from her OM. But, she fails to value the 90% as she has been used to getting it for so many years. Now, this new 10% she has come to enjoy from OM seems new and refreshing that it is quite addictive.

Only after D, she will realize the OM cannot provide 100% of what she needs just like you as her H couldn't provide it. You have your set of strengths and weaknesses and so does OM. Is OM truly so much better than you that it is worth breakig up the family she has with you? Obviously not, but she refuses to see it that way, as she does not want to let go of that rush she feels from OM.

Nobody will blame you for ending your M as you have fought as hard as any H would have in your situation. Keep your integrity and move on. Life goes on.

[This message edited by SadCalifornian at 4:32 AM, October 19th (Wednesday)]

I wake up and can't believe this is us and really happening .

Remember, horizen,

This is the path out of infidelity. This is how you eventually will be happy again in your life.

What you were currently living in is a true hell---your spouse bringing a third person into your marriage.

You are now extricating yourself from this mess. You are moving in the right direction. You are starting to reclaim yourself.

But that doesn't mean that the book is fully closed.

Your WW may come back. She may do all that you hoped for in the last months. But do not count on it. Do not wait for it.

You are leaving infidelity...and if she wants to join you, she is going to have to run to keep up with you---because the train is leaving the station.

Stay on this exact path that you are on. Be proactive. Do not make a move, and then wait for her response. You have to keep this ball rolling---it is your path to salvation.

Because the sad truth is that she may never wake up from her fantasy. She may stay right where she is right now. And you will have stayed in misery that much longer if you waited for her.

The sooner you get out of this mess of infidelity---the sooner that your WW is not your priority---the sooner that you will be a happier person...and your kids will feel that. Not that you are being bad by any means to them---it is just that they can detect much more than we give them credit for.

You will climb out of this mess....with or without her.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 6:02 AM, October 19th (Wednesday)]

All her comments are textbook WS. Blame everything on anything that lets them off the hook for their deeds. I am sure everyone of us BS's have heard the same words before. I know I have.

I am so sorry for your pain and hurt it may cause your children. Keep posting, take care of yourself and start looking out for your own interests. As you can see, you are dealing with a stranger, and from experience, I can tell you the surprises from her are not over. Just look out for yourself from this point forward.

Oh...and yeah...NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT, so don't listen to her bullshit. She's trying to justify it. Don't let her.

Hugs to you....

((((horizen)))

My spell checker is really upset with me over your name!

Your WS seems to be incredibly cruel and selfish. Although it will be hard, it sounds like your family will be better off without her. Wishing you the strength to do the right thing for you.

Dear Horizon:

I am so sorry for your pain. It hurts so much every time we BS read another story of betrayal. All the anguish of the confusion and fear and loss come rushing back. I'm so very sorry for you but in my opinion you have definitely made the right decision. You always only have control over yourself. I know we hear that a lot but its so true.

I am also three months to the day from DDay, 2 months from asking him to leave and one month from deciding to proceed with a divorce. Although I hate the division of property stuff - I know he has become vindictive and hopes to rob me of my half of our assets - I am so relieved to know that I'm on the road to healing and a new life.

Once I accepted that he doesn't have what it takes to make any meaningful changes I realized I would be much happier without him. And although I'm sick of the intensity of my life and the soap opera I'm living, I know that with each passing day I'm closer to recovering. It feels great to know I'm doing something productive that can only lead me to a much better place. I feel like I'm honoring myself rather than selling myself short.

I have had some very dark days and I have a long road to travel yet before this is over, but I'm out of that uncertainty - that hell of ambivalence. And, although I've hurt a great deal, I like me. I'm being true to myself. That brings me a measure of peace that helps to keep me strong.

I can't tell you how much I wish you strength, certainty and peace. its so unfair that your life has crumbled around you but you can turn your life around. Be strong Dear. You know in your heart of hearts what's best for you!

Keep posting. We're all here for you.

Thanks for your feedback. Yesterday we started to work on the legal aspect of things. I'm drained. I feel like I've spent my life putting all the nails into the boards of our "life" and now I'm pulling them out one by one. And I feel strongly that she's making a mistake.

If after the fog would clear there were any true "issues" I would be more than happy to address them with her in MC. But I can't force her to change, only she can do that. Until then, more nails come out of the house each day and that kills me inside. I never imagined starting over again in my life; thought she would always be by my side. Just have to keep pushing forward and when I fall, fall forward.

Possibly one of the biggest misconceptions about advice in the vein I and numerous others offer here on SI is that it’s a path to divorce. IT’S NOT!

This “I refuse to share you” is not geared towards divorce. It’s geared towards moving out of infidelity. Basically IMHO there are only three possible ways to move out of infidelity:

You can accept the affair and agree to share your spouse. OK – I know that for us here on SI this isn’t exactly a welcome option but fact is numerous couples live in marriages that are open to various degrees. This can be open polyamory, swinging, open relationships or even a silent acknowledgement that the spouse has a lover.

You can refuse to accept the affair. Since you can’t nor would want to physically force the spouse to fidelity then this can only have two possible outcomes:

The affair ends and the WS commits to the marriage.

The marriage is terminated.

Fact is only one of the above will work unless both partners in the marriage agree to them: Namely the termination of the marriage. The other two require total commitment from both in order to work.

So Horizen. I take it you don’t want to share, don’t want an open marriage and don’t want to live a life where you ignore the fact your wife is having an affair.

I take it you have asked her to end the affair and commit to the marriage. I take it that she has answered this request by remaining in contact with the OM. So of the three possible outcomes there is only one left.

Divorce is not something that “happens”. It’s not an on/off button. It’s a process. It’s not even a permanent process in the sense that being divorced does not mean you can’t have a relationship with your ex. In fact there are numerous cases of where divorced people reconnect. But there are a lot more cases where divorced people simply co-parent and try to limit themselves to an amicable minimal relationship.

So basically the advice I offer isn’t geared towards ending the marriage – it’s geared to having the WS and the BS commit to a process that ends infidelity. At times along that path you might want to reconcile, WW might want to have an open marriage, WW might want to reconcile or any other combination of scenarios but until BOTH want to reconcile and BOTH commit to the marriage the only path open is towards ending the marriage. Divorce isn’t the destination. It’s not even the goal. The goal is to end infidelity. Divorce is simply one of the modes of transportation or a possible waypoint towards that goal.

So Horizen. All you have done is commit to ending infidelity. You don’t have to start worrying about custody, visitation, finances and how miserable you will be. At the moment the message is out: I Horizen refuse to share you. Since the affair is ongoing then the only path available to me is to end the marriage. That’s enough for now. What you should be doing now is EDUCATING yourself; by all means consult an attorney. Get to know your rights. What steps could/should you take now to improve your scenario? Arrange your finances. Start the process of allocating money for joint costs and ensuring she can’t use a disproportionate part of her money to finance the affair. [On the money issue: You should definitely meet all commitments. Pay the mortgage, the utilities and groceries. But you can’t have a situation where your money goes to the family and WW money goes to lingerie and hotels.]

In a few days/couple of weeks you can take the next steps. Implement a gradual progressive separation/divorce plan based on what’s best for YOU.

DON’T engage her in specifics!!! When she starts talking about how you two can’t afford a separate apartment then simply say “These are issues we have to address separately and don’t concern us as a COUPLE”.

She claims she no longer feels the love that she once felt for me.

Be prepared for the back peddling once she realizes you are serious.

I suspect she hasn't once even felt the possibility of you leaving.

Hold your ground. If she wants back, have your conditions ready and don't stop the D process until she's doing it 100% and maybe not even then.

((((horizen))))

sending strength your way! good luck!

Thanks, it's been a tough week. She has moved into the basement and it's weird sleeping alone. I keep wanting to walk down there and tell her about all the good things in our life that she's giving up; but I'm not. She's deep into her "fog" w/ the fantasy relationship. It pains me to know that we are demolishing our "family"; she's going to run to him, a man that's 20 years older...and I doubt they will succeed. Their relationship did not start on trust; but on deception and lies. The first time he must "trust" her...the evidence of this situation will be in his mind and it will erode.

I'm trying to stay focused on me; but man I'm gonna miss her. We were very active together so there's a big void to fill.

Day by day.