SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just from this one post you have pointed out how he over and over showed you what sort of person he really is.

You deserve better GF.

Hugs

omg get rid of this guy.. 4 years is enough.. the lies alone.

You know I'll say this.. I've been a personal trainer and really fit vs somewhat out of shape from not training but nothing major. Everyone I have dated has been an athlete except for my last gf who was overweight by about 50 lbs. Not even close to my ideal. And it so didn't matter, I was crazy about her and never asked her to work out. I accepted it was probably something she'd never change and I didn't go into that relationship trying to change her. It was an adjustment because I wasn't used to it, but that was all. I adored her and would have married her had some other things been more right between us. I was never embarrassed to be with her or for people to know we were together though I had a few friends think our coupling was "odd" until they saw us around each other and our interactions. She was funny as hell I loved being 'us'.

This guy is grandstanding and making weird excuses.

I just want to come out of hiding to point out that A LOT of interesting things happen to your body when you have a baby...how will he handle that if he can't even handle a sprite or a little salt? Seriously. I went back to my pre-pregnancy weight after I had my daughter but my body isn't the same. Will he judge you for that too?

Lots of crazy shit happens in life and if your measure of worth as a life partner for him is how often you work out or what you drink than he is SO far from worth it. And that's outside of him being a liar and a cheater. In my opinion, it's a shitty enough deal to have your partner cheat on you never mind holding you to other ridiculous standards.

This guy does not want to marry you. He's come up with a bizarre requirement for M that really just equates to, "if I say jump, will she ask how high"? You will be giving him permission to mind-fuck you FOREVER. You've already told him how much disrespect and bad behavior you're willng to put up with.

DTMFA

This is not your "pride" speaking, this is your common sense!

(((hugs)))

It sounds like you had the foresight and courage to stop what would have ended up being a M in trouble with infidelity. There's nothing wrong with that. I think so many of us fall in love with someone who just may not be "right" for us, and despite the twinges, we forge forth only to get stung in the end. You halted that before it could happen. It certainly sounds like bf's lack of appropriate boundaries has been an issue, and would continue to be an issue. You can't live a good life while being justifiably suspicious of your S.

You did what had to be done... I know it hurts.

(((Hugs)))

I understand what it's like to feel attached to someone who seems, on paper, and to everyone else, to be really awful. And what I've realized over the past year is that it doesn't matter whether she really cared about me or thought well or poorly of me, it matters that she was a burden, hurt me very badly, and was likely to continue hurting me--not worth it.

So this guy might sincerely think he loves you, and you guys might have really good times together, but in the end this will hurt you far more than it will help you (or even help him, to be honest).

(and maybe you feel like the good feelings are worth some hurt, but... they're not. the hurt outweighs even the good feelings.)

He wants to explain exactly (point by point) what he means by "health" because he feels like I didn't get it.

I told him not to bother but we'll see what he says.

No matter what it is, its just excuses. I dont know why he can't say "you're not the one"

Does he not see it? All the years I wasted.

I bet he doesn't even compile a list since I said not to bother.

I reread some old messages and I'm pleading with him. It really is heartbreaking. And he just tells me reading those are like poison. And I've been disrespectful too. But he didn't send me countless emails and texts asking me to stop.

Hes crazy-making

I'll post the list if i ever get one

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 5:26 PM, April 1st (Monday)]

I'll post the list if i ever get one

This is so sad.

Even if he doesn't realize he should love you, flaws and all, I pray that you begin to realize. Deep down in your bones realize it. After all, you're doing the same for him. Some pretty damn big, red flag flaws IMO and IME.

If he's expecting you to be perfect, at some point he'll be let down. What happens then?

As I read your post, I had the feeling he told you a story and he was a ws, not a bs.

He would not call you his girlfriend nor introduce you to his family? When I met wh, he wouldnt allow me to associate with his coworkers and his coworkers didnt want to know me because one of his coworkers had a thing for him...same female he bought a gift for when we went to Miami a year after we married. What Im saying, is he was stringing you along.

You caught messages saved that were from his xw.

You caught emails from him to another female asking her for drinks?

Then him saying he will marry you only if you start working out and eating how he thinks you should eat? Beginnings of a beautiful abusive relationship with a male (male not a man) who has no problems with cheating on you and disrespecting you.

I say run like hell away from that foolywang.

Eta: this popped into my head. I almost forgot this as its one of many shitty things wh has said to me over the years...about a year or 1-1/2 yrs into our marriage, wh said he was going to leave me. Why? Because I was too fat. I think I weighed 170 lbs at the time (Im 5'7"). My friend said of wh he used to twist me this way and that; get me to comply with his stupid assed requests. You even **look** at that list and thats the same as letting him know you comply. This is strong, and Im sorry if Im rude, but tell him to take that list and fuck himself.

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 6:03 PM, April 1st (Monday)]

Sully, is say the exact same thing if I didn't read the emails from her stating otherwise. She cheated on every man she's dated....

I think I get the general consensus and I can't tell you all how empowered these posts make me feel. (Not to mention a bit of a dufus).

I suppose I should thank my lucky stars that I got out without a divorce. But then it's hard to be so thankful when you feel like such dog sh!t

His response-

I want to give you some background about me before I start into the rest. i have always been a go-go-go type of person. My father is the same way and i probably take after him. My mom would always say how hard it was to keep pace with my dad being that she is 6 yrs older. Growing up in nj, we lived in a small town. Like 8,000 people at the time. Big farm land, but not very densely populated. I didn't have many friends nearby my house and I didn't have a way to get to my friends houses unless a parent would take me and pick me up. So, I kept myself busy and entertained myself. My father had me doing yard work frequently, and when he didn't I would practice and play different sports. For hours and hours on end. I would shoot baskets, hit golf balls, swing at tennis balls against my basement walls, kick soccer balls against goals i built, hit whiffle balls, swam when we got a pool, etc. etc etc. I was always active doing something. I always had more energy than everyone else my age, and I would always, always outlast anyone in endurance. I ran with the cross country team, ran with the wresting team, worked out with the football players, etc. it was a big part of my childhood. It really did define me. I was voted most athletic in my high school, and people would ask was there a sport I didn't do. So from as far back as I can remember I have been like this. I played multiple sports in high school, and in college. I didn't drink until my sophomore year in college because I always associated drinking with those who didn't want to get ahead in the sport they were training in. The coaches would always preach how drinking would hinder athletic performance. So I stayed away from it. Knew it wasn't good for my body anyway, so it wasn't that big a deal. Then I realized that i wasn't going to go pro in any sport so I gave in. Started to drink, but really only on weekends. Never during the season, which lasted 6 months anyway. And usually not during the week. We had a nutritionist at school (college) and coaches wanted us to spend time with them to learn how to eat right, how much rest to get, what types of things to do and what types of things to avoid, etc. after school was over, I tried to continue these habits but inevitably it wasn't as easy. There wasn't a nutritionist there for me anymore, and the structure of having scheduled meals and scheduled workouts and rest where all gone. I have tried to focus on eating right, getting a good schedule of when to workout (for some people mornings are better, for others afternoons, etc) and generally reading and learning about the things that are important for a lifestyle of good choices and habits with respect to a persons health. I view these habits and choices as important decisions for a lifetime of happy and healthy living. It's never too late to start. One thing I have learned through the many years of listening to others is that the body has a great way of repairing and healing itself and adapting to change. I also strongly believe and it is proven by science that an active lifestyle combined with healthy food choices strongly affects the mind and spirit as well. So does sleep by the way. It is all a balance in nature. These are my beliefs. I have learned from many coaches, doctors, sports therapists, and scientists and it is proven. I don't claim to know all, and probably never will. But I do know that it is important enough for me that I want to continue and learn more and more about healthy living. As we age, our bodies get older and it becomes even more difficult to keep pace. I believe that by making simple promises to oneself, and setting goals, we can achieve a lifetime of happiness and health. After all, the body is interconnected with the mind and how you feel each day is determined by a myriad of factors including body chemistry, fuel (food), and the balanced levels of hormones and chemicals in the body. I know you're reading this and thinking where are the specifics? Well, there isn't necessarily rules and guidelines that are a must. There is however a commitment to look for healthy food choices rather than settle for less. A commitment to make a plan depending on your own goals to getting the proper exercise routine. A commitment to stick to the choices because its what you want for yourself. I'm not asking you to workout x amount of times a week or never eat another cheeseburger or French fries, I'm asking you to realize that the way you feel each day is directly related to these choices. I'm not the preacher, and I'm not a know it all, but these things are scientifically proven. I want to experience this lifestyle together. And plus its easier if you have a partner in the game and someone that is there with you pushing you:) I know it will make you feel better, it will make you feel stronger, it will make you feel less depressed, less sad, your hormones will be in better balance, etc. I will be with you all along the way if you want me.

You're speaking of things that can happen to anyone. I could fall ill, just as easily as you. Or be in an accident, or got hurt. These things happen. I tore both my acls in my knees! That's not a small injury. It's serious stuff. Later in life I will most definitely be hurting. Your knees are much healthier than mine that's for sure. So anything can happen. And I would NEVER turn my back on you if any tragedy happened. Never!!!!

I'm sure you will have all kinds of cravings when you're pregnant. Just because you crave them however doesn't mean you gotta give in every time. And I'm not saying "you" as in you, I'm saying it in general

That last part is key. You have to trust. If you don't trust me, then this is all for nothing. You have to trust that I wouldn't turn my back on the person i gave my life to. I know it may be hard for you, but in all honesty that is going to be your biggest challenge.

I'm going for a run btw before the sun goes down. Think about what I'm trying to explain. I only want what's best for both of us. You have to be willing to trust in me, as hard as that may have been for you in the past...

I don't know anymore. Thoughts anyone still reading?

That's a really nice magical story he's spinning there...

Can you please expound Probable? I don't know which way is up

Run sweetie Run. Go have yourself a Sprite and Burger and start understanding that it is him not you!!!!! You are way too good for him not the other way around.

Well, I'm sorry if I'm saying this about a person you still love, but this was supposed to be an explanation of why he wanted to (or didn't want to) spend the rest of his life with you, and what he wrote of his heart and soul and personal beliefs was ... a shallow infomercial with some advice from a long ago sports coach.

Where was the YOU in that? Where was the part where he understood you, or wanted to compromise with you, or add your beliefs to his?

All I read was ME ME ME, these are my demands, this is what I want, what I want is scientifically proven to be right and if you can't get on board with my workout plan, then you can't spend your life with me.

He sounds very shallow, very selfish and as if he doesn't think twice about you as a person.

He lectured you, and then said he was going for a run and wanted you to think carefully about what he said. As if you're a stupid child that he's got to set straight, and he's personal-trainer-Yoda, and if you don't agree with him it's because you have trust issues? You have to trust HIM, and that's the "key"?

Where are "you" in this relationship? He's in it for himself and by himself. He writes to you as if you're stupid and your (very logical) reactions are silly and wrong. I'm so sorry.

By the way, this is the kind of letter that I used to get in college after breaking up with a guy - where he would armchair diagnose me with trust issues and then lecture me at length about "how life really is" and set me straight once and for all, in writing, and they would ALWAYS end it with something about how if I didn't agree with them, it just proved I had trust issues or a personality disorder or something. I used to read those letters with my best girl friends and we would laugh, because they too had gotten versions of The Letter from their own teenage exes. But these were college kids. This is a grown man!

Wow.

He was trying to train you to put up with whatever he was dishing out. You said "No Thanks. I'll move on, now"

and he cannot believe it! So NOW, he comes up with "I'll marry you and give you babies if you will change your health." Seriously? Is that the best he could come up with? You must be practically perfect if he couldn't come up with any other hoops you have to jump through!

Sweetie, this is his way of NOT being dumped by you. He tells you this and if you decline his generous offer then he will feel like you just couldn't tow the line so he isn't going to marry you!

I am appalled by the nerve of this man! I'll tell you what, having a baby with him would be difficult at best.

Hugs to you. He's a mindfuck!

suspicious, I just mean that it's a bunch of stuff that sounds vaguely good but has very little demonstrated connection to reality (and to be honest, is a non sequitor--he should be talking about his boundary issues and the things he's done to you).

Holy shit, I am exhausted just reading that missive. On a side note, I wonder if that counts as cardio.

Tell him, fine, but you value mental stimulation and while he was running around whacking this and kicking that you found him sorely lacking in that area. You'd like him to commit to expanding his mind and breadth.

A little culture, some history, maybe a foreign language or two.

OR you could next this guy and save his manifesto for girls night out show and tell. You choose. I vote "listen, listen, listen, you're so not gonna believe this one."

I was thinking the same as uncertainone.....he sounds exhausting! OMG....trying to keep up with his ideas of how you should live your life and what you should be eating and not eating and working out and he will be there every step of the way pushing you on.....

Where is the part about accepting the other person as they are? Where is the part about loving the person and letting them live their life as they see fit? What about letting you grow at your own pace and decide yourself what is right for you?

He would be a nightmare to have children with and I hope he never procreates. Those children will be miserable with him breathing down their necks on what is acceptable and what is not.

Right now you feel you will never love another the way you love him. That is correct. I felt that way with my XSO. I waited a year after we split up and started dating my male best friend. Wow, what a difference! This one actually loves me for who I am and values me....spends time with me....I never have to guess about his commitment.

There is better out there and you are young. You will have plenty of other opportunities but give yourself some time to heal and also to figure out why you put up with a guy who made you feel second best as he paraded other females around in front of you. You can do better than this. You deserve it. Don't date again until you realize that you deserve better. ((((hugs))))