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I'm with the minority too in that I would welcome anything from OW1 *OR* OW2 that expresses regret and remorse for their role. I would vote for a letter, since I have zero desire to be put through the torture of a phone call. I would want the letter to express the understanding that there is no expectation of forgiveness from me - I will likely never forgive them and if I do, it will be something I do for myself, not for them. They have no right to ask me for ANYTHING. Even reading the letter would be my choice.

But a letter stating they now understand how what they did caused me inexplicable pain...? Why not??!! Maybe they had an epiphany. Maybe they became a BS themselves. Whatever it is, I'd love to know they've "found the error of their ways" so to speak. It wouldn't rip a scab off my wound - if anything, a well-worded letter that accepts FULL responsibility, doesn't blameshift or rehash events, and simply acknowledges their role in hurting me... it would help me move one step forward toward finding my OWN closure. I think one of the reasons I feel so stuck is because I know OW2 is stomping around like a childish brat blaming ME for the end of her happy delusion.

I would be thrilled to see her wake up and discover that I am not the one to blame. At all.

[This message edited by ms521 at 9:24 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

My WW and I have talked about whether or not the OM has told his W yet. WW doesn't think he has. From what we've discussed about how it ended...WW put the stops on it, self-initiated NC, and ended it despite him wanting it to continue.

That reason was a big factor in why our R has been going so well. I'm happy that happened, but I feel sorry for OM's BS because I'm sure she is still completely clueless. I pray for her and hope that someday OM does come clean, but that's not my problem and we're not going to reconnect with OM or his family. That's his problem. My WW feels very strongly about this as well. NC means NC under any and all circumstances even if its for good reasons (ie coming clean)

She can't right the wrong and she needs to leave the other BS ALONE. If she feels the need to get some closure then she can write out a letter spelling out everything she would say to the other BS but NEVER send it.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:01 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

It would infuriate me to be contacted by the MOW. It was my H's choice to make her a part of our life, not mine.

For her to make contact would make her relevant, something she definitely is not.

If she needs help to sort through her feelings, that's on her and I want nothing to do with it. My focus is on my own healing. I would deeply resent being made to feel that the WS is using me to ease her own guilt no matter how well intentioned it may seem.

I would have preferred a letter sent to me from OW, that I could have chosen to read if/when the time was ever right for me.

And I imagine the contents of the letter from OW would have changed if/when the time was ever right for her.

Either way, no one would be forcing me to read it, I could burn it without even opening. In my case I would have liked to have that option.

As the BS, I too wanted the OW to feel "bad" for what she had done. Well, honestly I wanted to inflict severe bodily harm on her but I digress.

About six months post D-Day I sent her an email and just to let her know what I thought of her. I was articulate and on point and felt better hitting send.

Well she did reply with a feeble apology that she only wished the best for me, my marriage and my family.

So, I suppose I received the apology but it was not any type of closure. It only pissed me off more.

Tell your wife to work on herself and your marriage. The BS isn't going to find much comfort from the woman that helped shatter her world. I'm sorry doesn't quite cover this one.

I think it's going half and half on this.

No freaking way. I would get in my car drive the 4 hours to her house, and jack her up. My loathing for the OW was so great it was a really good thing for me that she lived the 4 hour trip away.

She should never look back. I also think it's BS for Closure. She is being selfish. If she wants to help she needs to maintain NC. Period.

Before he went NC, WH told me OW wanted to talk to me to apologize. I told him she'd regret it if she contacted me. I would not physically hurt her, but what I had in my mind to say to her would have been the most unkind thing I've ever said.

She replied to his NC text saying she respected our wishes and hoped nothing but the best for us. I don't believe a word of it. There's nothing she can ever say to me that I would take at face value.

Early on the ow (my supposed best friend of 14 years) sent me an apology letter. I wanted to believe it, even thought maybe one day I would pass her on the street and smile or send her a birthday card. Then dd#2 happened, and I found the depths of her betrayal. All those years she acted like she cared about me, then what she was saying to my wh about me behind closed doors. Then, she went and broke nc and justified herself by saying ,"If something important happens in our lives I want to be able to tell (wh) how I feel". She contacted my husband to tell him she was sorry that our dog died ... The dog SHE and I had owned together in college. She refused to act even the least bit remorseful. So, let me say if your ws truly feels sorry and is willing to say something REAL, like offering what was broken in HER to do something so horrible, maybe it would be worthwhile. But if she is just trying to make herself feel better and not offering any insight, don't bother. It was more hurtful to me to receive a glimmer of hope and have it smashed

As a BW, I don't ever want to hear how torn up with guilt the OW is.

Yes! Leave the BS alone.

**Edit because I realized I was in the R forum and I was for sure not following guidelines. Must be having a grumpy night.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 8:19 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

I got an apology from mOW#2.

I would have never wanted her to approach me - I felt that was my right if I desired.

I heard via her husband that she was remorseful and if I ever needed to ask her any questions she would be willing to do that.

At 11 months out I did so. It was absolutely my choice and my right to contact or not contact her. I was glad I knew the offer was there but wouldn't have wanted to receive it from mOW. It was for me NOT her - yes I got my questions answered and an apology.

Did it give me closure?????

Hell no!

WTF is closure anyway?

Being able to put it behind you?

Well it that is closure - it has happened yet!

She is apologizing to the other BS to assuage her own guilt. Not for the BS.

She needs to see that is selfish.

I'm with the minority on this one. OW owes me an apology. I spoke to her on the phone after dday, and she was unremorseful and insulting about the entire situation. She played a part in the single worst disaster of my LIFE and didnt utter a single word of apology. Almost 3 years later, she still hasn't, and it really pisses me off.

I wouldn't go as far as wanting a phone call, but a sincere letter of apology would be one of the last pieces of the puzzle for me to move on from this once and for all. That will never happen, and I'm learning to move on in spite of it, but seriously.....it's just common decency. You bump into someone on the street, you say 'I'm sorry." I think having sex with someone's husband (and having a baby in some cases) deserves no less. But it should come to the BS, not WS.....if that happens, they're fishing.

What do we read so often as advice when in R and gauging how real WS's desire to R is?

That's right - words are cheap. Actions are what counts.

That said, how would you know if AP's "apology letter" is the real thing? They lied and led on a good show during the A - both WS and AP. I'm sure it's not much effort to fake sincerity in a letter. I can't see what AP's actions are post fallout.

So, no. I wouldn't give two $h!ts about an apology. Only way I would consider the sincerity of an AP's apology is if she was willing to face me knowing that there is a possibility of a severe beat down from me, and willingly accept the risk for a chance to apologize. That, to me, shows remorse from an AP.

[This message edited by Fractured.Us at 1:05 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

I guess there's no true answer to this since there's 4 main people involved and everyone is different.

The OM did apologize to me many times over the phone. I guess at this point he can be at peace in that he did apologize. Not that I cared though. It was cheap words to me, but it did make somewhat of an impact as I saw that he felt like shit. He should feel like shit anyway. Even to this day.

Your wife is 0% responsible. Once she figures out that if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else, that will go a long way towards her "getting" it. She should leave them alone.

If she really wants to help the other couple - she will do that by never contacting them again - EVER!

I got an apology, not worth the time it took to read it .

The very best thing OW ever did for us was to drop off the face of the earth.

The OM did apologize to me many times over the phone. I guess at this point he can be at peace in that he did apologize.

That's the problem with apologizing. He feels good about himself, but he did it by making you spend time and energy on him.

He doesn't give a shit about you - his apology, like his A, was all about him. It's a step backward for him in his healing & changing himself.

You say he feels like shit, but he feels less like shit because he was such a thoughtful, caring man that he actually apologized. I bet he thinks you absolved him of his sin against you.

I think this may be one of those things for which there is a clear right and wrong - and it' wrong to apologize. In any case, if your W does this, it'll be all about her, just like her A.

Or does she call up OM's wife and apologize?

^^^Would mean nothing coming from a cheater, they can't/shouldn't be trusted.

Does she walk away and never look back?

^^^Yes