SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Feeling like you need to get your mojo back as a BS is normal.

Normal does not always equal healthy or right.

You have every reason to be concerned and to expect your BH to address those concerns.

However, it is perfectly understandable.

Nope. Divorce, yes. Separation, anger, name calling, yelling, arguments, therapy, getting back in shape, doing positive things to make yourself feel good again, hobbies, going back to school, getting a healthy support group are all understandable. Inviting a woman (especially one who is a known OW time and again)over to the home you still share while still being married with R still on the table is not understandable. Having your child there while you do it is not understandable. It is the exact behavior you abhorred someone doing to you but now it's understandable because you are doing it to them? It is unhealthy coping and a twisted form of healing that will do nothing but hurt more in the end. Your bartering your good conscience and integrity for a chance to stab someone and get blood on your hands.

Make sure he doesn't need this reassurance from anyone else. I know its hard, don't have so at him, he is trying to heal. love him through it.

Needing reassurance, is this the same as needing validation? Because needing validation from an outside source, yep wayward thinking. Love him through what? Him seeing another woman, as he is loving her through her A? And why shouldn't she have at him? I don't mean ranting and yelling but rather being able to voice her concerns about the fact that his behavior is sliding into a dangerous territory.

cdnmommy is right, while some may see this as normal behavior it is not healthy or right. The fact that so many are willing to say this is a consequence is ridiculous. If nothing justifies cheating, then cheating doesn't justify cheating either. It only compounds the pain. TG made a good suggestion, maybe it'd be a good idea to peek down in ICR. I've said it before no, one wants a double membership to a club they never wanted to be a part of.

Wanting to "get even" is a normal reaction. But you two need to agree on what behavior you are both willing to accept, if you are going to R. For R to be possible, IMHO, both partners need to agree what the boundaries are, going forward.

Betrayed Spouse here...

My first thought was "that's not good". From the behaviors you describe I think he is far from R. It's one thing to lose a sense of self confidence and self esteem. But IMHO he is taking it too far.

I will say that regardless of your choices he also has a responsibility to be honest about his intentions going forward. I would clarify with him if he is wanting to R or play the field. You can also determine what you want out of this M, whether to save it or not.

His behavior regarding other women is inappropriate and he is on a slippery slope. It may be revenge, or it may be that he is using your A as an excuse to do something he'd been wanting to do all along.

Regardless, it isn't healthy.

I get the response. Is it healthy, no.

In reading some of your prior posts, You have always said you wanted to reconcile. But you have never said that he has decided to try to R with you.

DDay was in December, but you didn't go no contact until a month ago in May, and you still see the AP on a regular basis.

Have you been truthful with him about everything? Really truthful?

I see a guy who is moving on with his life, but hasn't had the courage to say it to you yet. I am not saying that this is right. I am also not saying it's too late to repair the marriage, but it is both your decisions. IMO you need to figure out whether he wants to try R or not. If he wants to try R, then this shit has to stop. If he doesn't, then start the divorce proceedings.

The fact that after six months you are still separated,and that he won't commit to R, leads me to believe that the A may have been a deal-breaker for him.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 12:28 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

WS here.

I think those *feelings* are understandable, but he seems to be acting upon those feelings which is not right or healthy.

Not normal, and not okay, and not remotely compatible with reconciliation.

I understand that one can feel hypocritical for establishing healthy boundaries with the BS post-infidelity. But really, if ever there were a time to shore up boundaries, it's when you're working to rebuild a marriage.

If he's not all in, fine. He has that prerogative. But you have the right to say, "No more."

One of the most loving things you can do---something that firmly establishes that you CARE about his well-being and your ability to move forward constructively as a couple---is to prevent him from doing things that betray himself.

Is he betraying you and your marriage right now? I'd say yes. But even if you're not ready to take it that far, he is betraying himself. He's doing what he's doing for all the wrong reasons, and even if it feels good in the moment, will not for long. It is self-destructive. His behavior wayward, even if it has not escalated to the point of physical infidelity.

In your shoes (and honestly, I would want anyone who loved me to take this approach if I were acting out), I would tell him, "I love you, and want to rebuild our marriage. Your actions right now run completely counter to reconciliation. But worse, I'm concerned that they are self-destructive. You're doing things for the wrong reason: to prove that others find you attractive, to attempt to get back what I gave away, to hurt me. I understand all of these things---but my ability to empathize doesn't mean your behavior is appropriate. It is very painful to see you hurting yourself by compromising your values. This is NOT who you are. Trust me. I know that infidelity is soul suicide. I did it to myself before I annihilated what was special between us. But I can't watch as you commit this soul suicide. I love you too much. If you want to continue seeing other women, we will have to end our marriage. I don't want that. I want to be the woman in your life. If you cannot commit to that--if you don't want to work together to see if we can make a go of this--I can't stay in a marriage where one of us is working to get healthy and the other is heading down a slippery slope."

I am very sorry for your pain and confusion. I know the inclination is to assume responsibility for what is going on. Thing is, his actions are not your responsibility.

You can only control your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Millions of hugs to you.

I think UO was pretty spot on in her comment.

You need to start looking out for yourself. Many around here say it is pretty hard to R when living apart. He is shoving this other woman in your face. He just happened to run into her in Boston? Having her over for dinner? Going out with her for drinks? He isn't thinking about R at all. He is living in a house that belongs to BOTH of you while getting lots of alone time to go out and have fun.

I am so sorry, but it is time for you to lawyer up and look out for yourself and your daughter. I am sure she is pretty confused right now also. Maybe it will help him make a decision instead of leaving you in limbo.

He never hung out with female friends before the A and knows how I feel about this one specific friend...I have never trusted her or been comfortable with her even before the A.

If he never hung out with female friends pre-A, how did you come to know her and "feel" uncomfortable towards her and your H's "friendship".

I ask this because I'm a big believer in gut instinct. You would not be the first WS to find out their BS had been stepping out either physically or emotionally at the same time. Is there a possibility that there has been more going on for longer than you realize? I understand you are processing your own horrible actions and dealing with the consequences, but is there the chance that while you were "checked" out of the marriage in your affair that you may have missed something? Something about this person was nagging at you pre-A or pre-DDay it sounds like.

...and they didn't just happen to bump into each other in Boston...that was a lie. It was a planned outing and he lied about it.

You did a terrible thing that he may not be able to reconcile over. Accept that. Having said that it is acceptable for you to tell him to make a decision: either file or commit to reconciling which means no conatct with female friends you are not comfortable with.

While I normally say the BS's control the terms of reconciliation when one of the terms becomes "I get to have girlfriends now because you fucked someone else"... then it is perfectly ok for the fWS to say "I don't think so".

Good luck.

[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 2:38 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

Based on reading your profile, it sounds like you are separated with no plan either way being expressed.

I think his behavior is normal. He seems to be exploring the possibilities for a "soft landing" if he proceeds with a divorce.

Just because this behavior is normal, does not make it any less inappropriate. We are all human, but I like to at least aspire to something better.

I think his behavior is normal. He seems to be exploring the possibilities for a "soft landing" if he proceeds with a divorce.

Really?? I don't think it's normal at all. Alyssamd24 has stated that she wants R and her BH is not sure if he does yet - That does not give him a reason to test the waters.

As a BS, I believe Wannabe hit it on the head for me, and this is exactly how I feel- "You want you WS to know that while YOU might think they suck, someone else does not. " Just poor self esteem.

I think his behavior is normal. He seems to be exploring the possibilities for a "soft landing" if he proceeds with a divorce.

Really?? I don't think it's normal at all. Alyssamd24 has stated that she wants R and her BH is not sure if he does yet - That does not give him a reason to test the waters.

Check the rest of my post.

Just because this behavior is normal, does not make it any less inappropriate.

Normal does not mean good. People normally do a lot of shitty things. As UO said earlier, affairs can be considered normal.

My concern is that he is not that he is unsure of what he wants, but unsure of what he can ger, and that Alyssamd24 is already the backup plan even if he does not yet have a plan.

Sounds normal to me. After my husband had the affair, I lost about 40 lbs and started getting my hair done more often, buying new and sexier chothes etc. Everyone started telling me how good I looked. On the inside I was falling apart. I also started talking to some of males who I knew were attracted to me.

It is his way of taking care of himself. He needs to feel good about himself now. He needs to know that it is not him and that he is attractive to the opposite sex. He needs his ego stroked just like you probably did. Hopefully he will not take it too far.

It is his way of taking care of himself. He needs to feel good about himself now. He needs to know that it is not him and that he is attractive to the opposite sex. He needs his ego stroked just like you probably did. Hopefully he will not take it too far.

Really? That is him looking for external validation. Taking care of himself? Hopefully he doesn't take it too far? How far is acceptable? As a BS what would you deem too far?

I did not say it was acceptable, just a normal way of trying to get through it and ease the pain. As a wayward you will probably never understand the full extent of the pain. It is like you just want the pain to go away however possible. You feel so incredibly bad about yourself you don’t know what to do. The person who you thought was your everything has betrayed you in every way imaginable and then, in many cases, turns around and calls you crazy when you catch them. I have never felt pain like this in my life, so yes it is normal to want to feel wanted by someone. Is it right to cheat, no. If you can't handle staying the right thing to do is to leave. I could never go through with cheating, but it sure does SUCK to have to be the better person all the time.

Oh, he understands. I am his wife. I came to SI first. As a wayward. He was betrayed.

Well, I think it is obvious what is too far, but it sounds to me like they are separated, unless I read it wrong. It does not really sound like they are in reconciliation, so that is why I said it was normal. Of course, if they are in reconciliation this is not helping. I still think it is a normal way of trying to make yourself feel better. Not right, but just normal.

BW here. What Skan and Josephine said, times two.

Do I understand why he's doing this? Yes. Do I think it's right? No, I do not. He is on the way to an EA if he isn't there already. And using your DD to facilitate it.

Show him the mad hatter threads in I Can Relate.