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I feel sick reading that. Yes, that's assault IMO. He forced himself, you said no, you said your hurting me..if it was a stranger you wouldnt question if it was rape, right? Just because your M, doesn't mean you don't have choices when you want to have sex or not have sex. That had to be traumatizing for you. I'm so sorry

I’m a former cop who specialized in dealing with abuse and domestic violence.

This is rape.

This is assault.

This is domestic abuse.

There are no if’s or but’s about it.

Aren’t you glad you are rid of him?

Whoa. Bad memories flooding my brain. If you didn't consent or weren't able to consent, it's rape, honey.

You need to contact a rape crisis center and just talk to someone.

I know exactly how you feel and I'm so very sorry that you went through this. He dehumanized and abused you. There is such a thing as spousal rape. Look it up in your state's criminal code.

Being married doesn't mean that you lose the right to say *no*.

He deserves to be in the exact place that he is.....jail. And he deserves to rot there.

I was never married to him, but in my opinion having children was a bigger commitment than signing a marriage contract. Plus he never asked me. I'm thankful that we never married. And I am so happy that we are not together now.

He got sixteen months in prison, eight served inside and eight allegedly served in the community. Although all that's happened is that he's been allowed to live back in this town and apply for jobs etc. I'm in England- our laws are different and naming and shaming him for being a child sex offender would incur criminal charges.

There is so much more in my diary than I wrote here. He's definitely messed up when it comes to sex. I don't know how to find a sex abuse counsellor here in the UK who wouldn't be obligated to inform the authorities. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

(((((Sorceress)))))

I don't know how to find a sex abuse counsellor here in the UK who wouldn't be obligated to inform the authorities. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

Is that the "rule" in the U.K. for social workers/counselors? Here in the U.S. our ethical code is that we have a duty to warn, which means we have to report if we feel our client may harm himself or others. We also report if we suspect child abuse/elderly abuse. Those are the very few times we are supposed to break confidentiality; otherwise, confidentiality is sacred, and we also have to let our client know we will break confidentiality before we do it and for what reasons.

So, even if the client or someone the client knows has broken a law, confidentiality rules out. What are your rules/codes/laws for confidentiality? Also, if you see a counselor, they should go over their confidentiality rules very carefully and you have every right (and obligation) to make sure you ask questions and completely understand.

This would be worth checking into, because if that is what is stopping you from getting the help you need, it may not be totally valid.

And what about a protective/restraining order? Do you ever see him? Does he make you nervous that he is out there wandering around (or is he still in prison right now)?

I think, even if you can't see a counselor immediately, a very good step would be contacting a domestic abuse advocate/women's shelter. Your ex was abusive. You have every right to avail yourself of their services. I am not as familiar as how it works in the U.K. but I do know they have a domestic abuse hotline and that may be a good place to start. Even though you have left, you are still having some issues and a good advocate can help you work thru the mess he has left behind. And also, she/he can help you if you decide to go to court (over here, advocates will go to court with you, help you with all the paperwork necessary to file protective orders or criminal complains, find safe shelter for you and your children, help you find counseling, help you find a lawyer, help you find resources to get back on your feet, encourage and support you and so much more.)

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:42 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. What you described is the very definition of spousal sexual assault.

And to top it off your diaries, made soon after the events, are very compelling evidence of his assaults on you. They are very similar to a police officer's notebooks, which are recognized as the best way to document recent events in order to refresh your memory of them later when required to for court.

I highly, HIGHLY, recommend you make an appointment to speak with the sexual assault unit of your local police force.

Call their office, say you'd like to report a historic spousal sexual abuse case, that you have detailed evidence and that the abuser is already in custody on other sex related charges. They’d really like to hear from you. For them, it’s a slam dunk.

This thing walking around discussed as a human being needs to have as many nails placed in his coffin as humanly possible. Driven in with pointy, jagged rocks.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:41 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

YES, that is RAPE! Sounds like what a friend of mine went through, and has her youngest son as a result of.

Also, I would like to agree with getting IC. As a young teen, 13, I was date raped. I never told a soul. It wasn't until my first counseling session, 26 yrs later, that I opened up about it and it put so many things in perspective for me and my DH. I had no idea how much that experience from so long ago had effected my daily life for so many years.

Please go talk to someone about it.

Under UK law I cannot get a restraining order against him unless there are documented incidents of him harassing me- and that's plural unless he directly endangers or assaults me. And I have total NC. I made it clear to his probation worker that he was not welcome to contact me or the children by any means and so far that appears to have been adhered to.

As for confidentiality- I know for a fact if you personally confess a crime during counselling or psychiatric sessions, the police will be called. And I have read plenty of accounts of the counsellor being duty bound to inform the police when hearing from the victim too.

It would never get anywhere, I'd be regarded as a liar and probably harassed or threatened and will have to move again... Charges are unlikely to be pressed as I had many many opportunities to do so and didn't- I never really properly mentioned it or organised my thoughts on it until now

(((Sorceress))

What Bigger said...

There is no situation tht makes it OK to continue once you say NO

Ah, (((((Sorceress)))))). Yes you were assaulted. He had absolutely no right to do any of those things to you. If you can afford it you should join IC. If not, perhaps talk with someone in a church.

What this man put you through is terrible. What should have been a happy time in your life turned in to an awful time. He was trying to make you resent having your daughter. It sounds like a combination of punishing you because one-you had DD and two you found out about his A.

I am sorry you went through this.

I've read all the way through now- all the way up to today, as I wanted to see myself getting happier. I'm such a different person to that woman that was so trapped and just sadly accepting her fate was to stay in that relationship.

I never ever revealed any of the sexual stuff or the physical abuse (he did hurt me four or five times, nothing major but I did get left with bruises.) to anyone in my family or friend group- so they're going to think this is an attention seeking ploy and a big bolt out of the blue if I ever say anything. They're all so proud of me for breaking free of him- they'll treat me differently, see me as weaker if I tell them. And to be honest I am too embarrassed. I feel pathetic for both sides! Being worried to say anything AND actually having something to say that I'm not sure of the seriousness of it!

I'm so sorry you went through this! It was rape, AND abuse. Thankfully you're no longer with him.

Like someone else here suggested, I'd look into contacting the local woman's abuse hotline. I realize it's been a while, but what if he gets out of prison and wants anything to do with your child? Don't ever assume that because he's in there right now, that the courts will never give him rights, where your child is concerned. For some crazy ass reason, some courts grant visitation regardless of who the parent is.

Make sure you have this documented. The law will probably want to see your diary (it's a timeline and documention). You don't want this monster to EVER come back and get his hands on your child.

In the meantime, congratulations on your new relationship . Keep in mind, as healthy as it is, you probably should still consider some IC. Even if it's just to reassure you, that how you feel you should be treated by a man, is actually the correct way. There may be things you still need to tackle.

Take care of yourself and kudos to you for being so strong!

^^^^

THIS is why abusers are able to continue to abuse. Please go back and reread that. Now consider if that were a friend, sibling, or even one of your kids in that situation. Would that statement be true?

NOT JUST NO, but HELL NO!!!!

They won't look at you as being weaker, they will support you, and be even more impressed with what you have been able to do since getting rid of him. In addition they will give you love and support through this. This is not attention seeking, and if you choose to find excuses why you can't share this abuse, physical, sexual, and mental with anyone that cares about you, or go to therapy then you are rugsweeping, and sister this shit will come back and haunt you.

Lastly this is not something you should be embarrassed about. You were manipulated, and isolated, to the point where his was the voice of reason. You are not the first person that this has happened to, and certainly won't be the last. You may not feel strong enough to share with loved ones, but trust me when I say Your loved ones will support you, they will believe you, and they won't judge you. They may get angry for what he did, they may be upset for the pain he caused, the damage he did. if they judge, then they don't truly love you.

I bet you will only be confirming what most of them suspected in the first place.

((((and strength))))

((((Sorceress)))

What you went through makes me shudder and fills me with grief. And what your going through now can be so stressfull.

You're gaining strength and with it come a new perspective of what your life with him was like.

Back then i imagine you felt alone and that you didn't have any options but to struggle through the pain and hope things would get better.

But now you know you have both strength and options. And that what he did to you was evil. It shouldn't go unpunished and he should never have the opportunity to do it someone else.

I hope you find the strength to tell your friends, family and the authorities what a monster this person is. They will understand the fear and doubt you lived with back then. They will understand that you couldn't act until you realized just how strong you were and that you really did have options. And they will help you find even more strength.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:05 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Double Post

(Face Palm)

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:04 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

I would hope that being a registered sex offender, forty years old, and having specific exclusions from being around children would prevent him from actually having another relationship. I can't think what woman would knowingly start a relationship with a man like that. The thing is, in this country there is a very strong and very wrong judgement of "if charges can't be pressed, it didn't happen." It is my word against his. And they're not allowed, under UK law, to take his prior convictions into account.

Yes and no.

When proving his guilt, they can't use his prior convictions against him in court.

But an investigator will look at his history, and his convictions, and your hand written notes, made shortly after the event as strong evidence that there is more than just a "He Said She Said" situation here.

Even if he isn't charged or convicted, your report of spousal assault and spousal sexual assault will help the next poor victim when he lies his way into her bed.

Sorceress, I'm not trying to badger you into doing something you aren't ready for. By all means follow your instincts. But you have a strong case here. I've dealt with cases with alot less.

Visit www.rainn.org

I used their online chat counseling, totally free and confidential, and it was amazing. It was a good baby step toward getting into therapy. Hopefully it works from UK. I promise they will not minimize the assault you endured.