SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"Stillgoing" right on the money.

Gotta say that in my mid 40's, I was re-introduced to sex through HB after DDAY. Actually, she was screwing my brains out during the A which was a great smoke screen if you ask me. Then after DDAY it was non-stop. I didn't know that amount of sex was possible, let alone from her. I didn't know I could perform that well actually.

So it lasted a good bit. Like 8 months. It would slow down, but the quality was still AMAZING. However, I look back and I feel stupid. The smoke screen kept me from realizing something was up and when DDAY came, the HB gave me a feeling that everything was going to be okay. Which was stupid cause sex does bond you, but there's lots of stuff to get through for REAL R.

Now, 1yr, 4 months later we try to have sex at least once a week. It has turned into bonding and to keep our spirits up. It's not the same. Sometimes I'm disgusted with her, sometimes I'm so stressed I don't enjoy it, sometimes she doesn't want it and feels sex brought all this hell upon us...etc. etc.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can share my experience.

Problem is that many times HB is going on even though the spouse may still be contacting the op. That really makes me vomit.

In my case h had (as many do) vowed never to contact the ow again. Several years later I found out that he was indeed calling her many times. His excuse was that he was making sure she sticking to their "if caught" story. Hey it worked didn't it? He got HB from me, and still got to talk to his little slut.

Do NOT fall into her trap! Please go into any sex with your wife as just sex. If she is not going to be completely transparent, you cannot even begin to take the first steps to begin to trust her.

i know in my situation, we were HB and he was taking all of the OW calls and actually returned her requests for him to call her. If I could do it all over again, I would have kicked his sorry ass to the curb to give him a huge wake up call....you can't cake eat and keep screwing your wife over. Sorry, just my 2 cents!

Wow. She has partially convinced you that you are to blame for her behavior.

She has chosen to betray hervvows and now makes you feel that sex is gonna fix it.

Dont do it. Go take care of your sexual needs on your own. See a lawyer and file. The only chance you have to save your marriGe is to lay it on the line. She is more than happy to blame you, and not own what she has done. This wilk not result in a happy R or M.

Have I mentioned that you guys are freakin' awesome! I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the personal experiences.

Today was a "good" day. I was able to speak to my WW about some of the things on her mind. She is still not ready to own up to everything. She did however open up about a lot of other things I hope will lead us closer to R. We'll see.

Also, still standing strong and avoiding HB... At least until I see some sincere remorse and motivation from her to R.

She did promise me today she is not in contact with any other men, and I do believe her, but only time will really tell.

Again, thanks for all the great personal experiences (both good and bad) and advice.

Some people go through HB and others don't. If you're not, and are not inclined, it's certainly not something you need to force.

(I think you might be confusing re-establishing sexual intimacy with HB; HB involves a very strong impulse to have sex frequently and often more passionately than previously experienced--not a measured study of relative merits of the act.)

My husband and I had HB after an early infidelity, the extent of which I did not know.

For me, it seemed to lead to reconnection. What it really did was get him laid a LOT---something he promptly forgot, because in the re-telling, he'd now let you know how he was forced to his subsequent affairs by the lack of action he was getting at home. What did it get me? STDs from other women.

BUT, if a WS is remorseful and you are working toward R AND HB occurs organically (rather than is something you ponder and examine and consider the relative merits)--then I think it can be really positive.

If you're looking for "mental ammo" regarding what's in it for you---it might not be a naturally-occurring phenomenon in your case.

And that's fine--you'll find a way to rebuild sexual intimacy when the time is right.

I would suggest that you be very careful about what you believe at this point. No matter how much she thinks you deserve her A, you didn't. There are better ways to make points than to destroy your trust. My advice is make her prove there is nothing else going on. Transparency to the max. As you describe it, she may have just gone underground.

As for HB. For me it was the only thread of contentment that was keeping me from doing something drastic. When the sexual side effect of the anti-depressants rendered HB impossible I crashed hard. Lowest low I've ever had. Be careful, IMHO HB is lipstick on a pig.

Don't call it HB. Doing that puts it in a mental category that is acceptable behavior. Call it what it is - a mind fuck.

Don't believe anything she says until she gives you everything necessary for R, because she has established herself as a liar. Right now actions are more important than words. She has bulldozed your trust in her, giving that back to her without good reason is setting yourself up for more pain and abuse.

Really man, look into protecting yourself. Don't trust her until she gives you a mountain of reasons to start to.

If she were being honest,then she wouldn't be locking down all of her accounts and her phone.

Until she owns her shit..stops blaming you..and tells you everything you want to know about the OM..you can not R with her.

It really bothers me that you know so little about her affair that you *think* it was a ONS. That tells me all you know is she cheated. The OM could be your buddy..a coworker..anyone.

Have you read the 180?

Until she becomes transparent,and "good" days you have are nicely wrapped packages..with a pile of shit inside.

This may come across as a bit rough, because I tend not to sugar coat things, and well, I learned this lesson the hard way.

Please please please, do not believe her. She is unremorseful, and has had no real consequence from her actions. She has proven herself to be a liar, and well liars lie.

You will see here the phrase, "trust but verify". I say bullshit. Don't trust, verify EVERYTHING three different ways before you believe her.

The only she has done is tell you that she isn't in touch. I suggest you put on your detective hat, and start snooping about. Secret cell phones, email accounts that you are unaware of, all of that.

It sucks to be here, but assuming that she is doing the right thing now, is only setting yourself up for more hurt.

Please protect your heart.

((((and strength))))

Some great points have been made.

There is a lot here to consider. I definitely have strong urges to find out more. I have spoken to the OM directly. I told him my WS came clean and I needed to verify what had taken place so I could get some closure. I talked him into confirming what had happened. Of course, my WW had lied about the deed.

There is a lot more to the story... I will start a new thread on it.

I feel mentally much more prepared to see any physical advance for what it is. Especially until I determine the whole thing is done and over. Until then, thanks to all the examples and experiences, I think I can handle this situation.

Thank you all!

If you are looking for mental ammunition to resist, consider this is how she manipulates you. The sex is not an expression of love or remorse, it is to regain control over you, to manipulate your feelings. She knows that you view sex as an expression of love, so she will use that against you.

Also, no sex without protection until you have both been tested and cleared for STDs, and you are sure she is NC.

While your WW is blame-shifting, lying, and hiding the truth, you need to have distance and persp0ective to pick the paths best for you. Sex is contrary to distance and perspective.

If you do go for HB sex, work to keep it mechanical and physical, not emotional.

ETA: do not trust anything the OM or your WW say. Cheaters lie. Only trust actions and behaviors sustained over time.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:56 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]