SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What a disgusting monster, I can barely keep my breakfast down.

I've decided this about humanity. The distinguishing feature about mankind is the degree of selfishness. Your husband and best friend [I would nail that bitch somehow, someway, someday], can just see their needs and that what takes priority. All the hurt they cause chasing their selfish goals is just acceptable collateral damage. Mildly regrettable but acceptable all the same. What your husband and tramp girlfriend did was evil, but there's plenty of that around, just read the newspapers.

You have had some great advice from members here. I know it's already been said, but listen to SerJR; a font of knowledge and sage advice. He has the head of reason when the world has gone crazy.

Does he even give a toss what he's done?

He doesn’t want to THINK about what he has done. That time will come. Right now he is running away from everything because he can’t deal with it. He probably was having trouble dealing with being a responsible adult and now this tragedy has happened, he doesn’t want to face you or help you as a couple come through intact. He has chosen to run, run, run. All you can do is look after yourself and your two little ones. Lean on family and friends. They are your lifeline. And we will be here to help you in the darkest hours of the night when all the world is fast asleep. There’s always someone awake and on SI.

Blimey, you have to dig a hole to get that low!

Didn’t he just.

You divorce him on the grounds of adultery. You can get free advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau and I suggest you call into your nearest one asap. They have a mine of information and experienced people who can give you advice on law, child support, help for child care, your entitlement to benefits and lots, lots more. It’s all there in one place.

When you see your lawyer, he/she should give you the first hour for free. Make sure that is the case before you start. CAB will be able to give you guidelines as to costs charged by solicitors. Take along all you can gather on your finances – your WH’s salary gross and net, any savings, bonds, trusts and property. Outgoings on your house, insurances and assurances. Get it ALL and take it with you. Write down exactly what happened to bring you to this point – the whole timeline of your relationship with WH, how long you’ve been together, how long married, etc. The situation with your two surviving children and the WHOLE story regarding the loss of your tiny son.

I’m not sure about your counsellor. I assume your GP has referred you. Look around and find someone you are happy and comfortable with. If you can afford it, you could go private and pay about £45ph for another who is experienced in bereavement and divorce/infidelity. Again, first half hour may well be free to see how you fit. There are a several directories, but all qualified have to be registered with BACP to practice.

http://www.bacp.co.uk/

And google "directory of counsellors"

The bereavement and loss of your marriage IS bound up together. You cannot split them into their individual categories when you are grieving for both. You need to be able to talk about both and especially about your WH’s behaviour, which I find selfish, shitty and callous beyond words. You are also dealing with a double betrayal with regard to your former bf. Truly disgraceful, disgusting and appalling behaviour. I hope everyone hears about what they have done and hope they are sent to Coventry by family, friends and neighbours. They have chosen to do this, do not take a shred of blame for anything. Anything. People who have known and loved them must feel shame on your behalf to think they could even contemplate this.

Go no contact as much as possible with WH. Speak only about finances and the children.

Read all that is relevant to your situation in this thread, Great Posts for Newbies to Read. I bumped it to the top of JFO:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740&AP=361

My heart goes out to you sweetie. I wish I was there to give you a warm hug and hold your hands.

UKg xxxxx

Just thinking of you and the children.((((((hugs))))))

I hope today is a better day...fantastic info and advice from UKg.

No one is going to think that the actions he has displayed are acceptable. Your halo is still glowing!

Nutty, my word.... I just want to second something someone wrote here by saying you are one hell of a strong woman. I am so terribly sad for your loss, and for what that man has done to you. And I won't even go there about your friend....

Please know that we are here for you - if you have any questions about anything please just ask and I am sure someone here will have the advice you need.

UKGirl beat me to it - she has some incredible advice for you. I was going to mention about CAB and getting IC through your GP so let us know how you get on wit that.

Lots of hugs to you x

Hugs Nutty!!

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. That is such a painful experience.

Life does change on a dime. I thought I had the perfect life, a man that I adored, nice home, beautiful garden and a good life. All of that came crashing down the morning I read the text messages he was sending to another woman, found out he was having an affair and that it had been going on for four months. I confronted him, he told me to leave the house. I filed for divorce 6 weeks later. I found out November. He and his mistress have been engaged for several months and we are not divorced yet.

The affair was not your fault. Your husband is incapable of having a real relationship. It has to do with a flaw within him. You are a kind and loving woman. You deserve so much better than a man who cheats with your best friend.

I took a lot of hot baths, drank a lot of hot tea and leaned on family and friends. You are taking all the right steps - talking to an attorney, finding a counselor, posting and reading the forums.

You will get through this. You will be okay. You will find a reserve of strength that you did not know you had.

Your future will be just fine. Breathe into that!

(((HUGS)))

I'm so sorry. I want to encourage you to take gentle care of yourself and allow others to help you bear your burdens. This is just a tidal wave of horrific events. Make sure you don't isolate yourself.

Nutty1 - sending you all my (((Hugs)))

This is so horrible for you but please remember there is lots of people here that can help.

SerJR - will keep you right and offer excellent advice. Trust him.

Just wanted to flag up something regarding divorce law in England. I am sure if you decide to go down that route - you must file on the grounds of adultery within six months.

UKgirl has lots of good advice.

Take care of yourself and your little family xxxx

Nutty - check in honey.

Hope you are finding strength and a path to lead you towards something better. Let us know how it goes with your solicitor and what the latest is. I'm away for the weekend with family issues and wont be logging in until Monday.

eta - lurking son. Tsk.

It does get better. Hugs UKg xxxxx

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:23 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

(((Nutty)))) Hope you are doing ok??? Just when you think you've heard it all...I'm not a counsellor but I would imagine this is the way your WS has chosen to deal with his grief. This is what selfish people do. They can't face their grief, so they mask it with things/people that don't really mean anything but help them suppress their feelings.

One way or another he will regret this decision of being with this OW unless this was a LTA. Really? Who would want to be with someone who will take a man after him and his wife have lost a baby and let him move in. WOW! She's a keeper! No wonder she's single. So many desperate women and men out there. It gives strong women/men a bad name. Really.

But anyways, I digress, this is about you. You are so strong. Stronger then you know. Yes, you will falter, you may even contact him in a moment of weakness. This is all about baby steps. Baby steps to sanity and peace. He has turned yours and your kids lives upside down. Normalcy will be had again, and it will come at an ultimate price. His price to pay not yours. He will lose everything. Not you. I know you feel like you have lost, but ultimately you have not lost. You still have your home, your kids, their love, you will come out fine on the other side. He won't. (Always remember things are not always what they seem). Would hazard a guess, Miss I'm a Whore, made him post those things on FB as condition for him staying. Pretty soon she will be demanding he pay half the bills and he's paying her while having to pay you...Fantasy RUINED. It will happen.

Just keep your eye on your prize. Peace and removal from this insanity.

(((Nutty1)))

How are you doing today ??

Keep strong - thinking of you and the children xxx

If you need to chat I am around.

I just finished my application for housing benefit & tax credits, time to stop moping around & get on with things now! I don't see anyway back from this so it's time to get my bitch boots on & kick him to the kerb where he deserves to be!

I feel so bad for my kids tho, 2 year old was on the phone to him yesterday & said this is all your fault daddy & he said yes it is! Little one then screamed for hours about how much he misses his dad, I had a little cry as well because I missed him at that point to. But it's ok cos the bitch is back in town again today

(((Nutty1)))

You are doing so well getting all this paper work in place. It shows just how strong you are.

I am only 8 mths out from learning about my WH "A" 32 yrs ago with my then BF. It really is a double blow and you question everything .

What I am trying to say is "I am still new here and read daily trying to find my way" - please keep posting because there are so many good people here to help hold you up as you face this horrible journey.

Do you have family close by? Perhaps they could help you with the children and give you time to take care of yourself. Kind and honest friends would also love to support you, i'm sure. Please take all the help offered - you will need good people around you.

You are doing an amazing job - keep strong and take care. Sending you loads of ((((Hugs)))) and xxxxxxxxx

I am so sorry for your loss and that you're going through all of this. I don't have much advice for you at this point in my journey but please know that people understand what you're going through, can help you here and are listening to you.

Well, that went well...NOT! Due to there being no legal aid in this country anymore, I am royally screwed!!!!!

It will cost at least £1500 to get a divorce thro a solicitor & £500 if I do it myself! I have to get written confirmation from him to say he committed adultery in order to divorce him on those grounds or go down the unreasonable behaviour route with one of my 5 reasons being I don't like his girlfriend!

Have to negotiate with him for child maintenance or go to csa & it seems I can only get maintenance for me if I go thro a solicitor!

I'm gonna end up being married to this dickwad who ran off & abandoned us for the foreseeable future. Life is a bitch sometimes & only I could end up being married to a prick like him!

Oh Nutty, my heart goes out to you. Do you have any family close by that you can lean on during this difficult time? What bastards - they're both going to rot in hell. Has your "friend" been in touch with you or has she gone dark due to her complete and utter shameful behavior?

Wow, Nutty, that sucks the big one!

Yeah, there's not really any such things as spousal support anymore, only child support.

But I think 500GBP is a bargain to get rid of such an utter shit! Can your family help at all? Have a whip round? Or a Divorce Donation party? I suppose you could stay married and send all the household bills to his new address, ensuring they are all in his name! Nice dream, huh?

The reality is that somehow you have to bitch-boot kick your way out of this soggy sack of a relationship and back into the fresh air of your new, improved, beautiful life.

At the end of the day no one else (court/legally) cares whose fault it was except you.

Your entire objective now is to have the financial and emotional ability to care for your children and yourself. And you are doing brilliantly with the emotional side!!

Hats off to you, Nutty!

My "friend" totally blocked me & told all my other friends I was insane when I first found the messages on his phone. They all have to come to terms with the fact that I was not mad & she & he lied to them in a major way!

My family have been brilliant & my mum just told me she will give me the money to get rid of him ASAP!

I thought we had everything in our little family, turns out we had nothing

Oh Nutty, you are so wrong!

YOU have everything!

Friends that know the truth and will be disgusted that they've been lied to, a fantastic family who will do ANYTHING to ensure that you and your children are ok, and lastly, but most importantly, you still have your pride and integrity.

You can't quite see it yet, but you're the winner here and sadly your STBXWH has NOTHING. What a loser!

Thank God! This is all the hope you need:

My family have been brilliant & my mum just told me she will give me the money to get rid of him ASAP!

(((nutty)))

The costs of divorce certainly suck, but sometimes you have to ask what the price of your sanity is. I don't know the legalities, but in many areas, it's not worth the bother and the battle to divorce on grounds of adultery if it will prolong the process and increase the costs. It's one of those things where you have to play it smart - ie, don't pay the lawyer $500 arguing over who gets the $20 toaster. Know which battles you are prepared to lose.

You will find though, that taking those practical steps to protect yourself are very empowering, and will help with your confidence.

I thought we had everything in our little family, turns out we had nothing

You have your integrity.

You have your honesty.

You have your spirit.

You have your courage.

You have yourself.

It may not everything... but it's far from nothing.