SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((cantaccept)))

You are part of my original SI brat pack....one of the very first members to support me. I have followed your journey virtually every post.

My heart is breaking for you. I am sorry your husband cannot accept the gift you have offered him over the last 11 months....sorry that he, like all other WS, gave away the gift of marriage when they chose adultery.

This is without a doubt the toughest stress and pain a marriage can be subjected to. You have not failed your M....your husband did once, and he may be choosing to do it twice.....

....but a controlled separation is not necessarily the end of your marriage. It can be a tool to keep a marriage together.

I will pray a specific prayer for you and Mr. cantaccept right now.

Post often....we have your back.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:12 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

It hurts because I often think if you loved me enough, if I meant everything to you, you would do what ever it took to show me, to help me.

Gentle reminder.....everything about adultery is about the person committing the sin...PERIOD!

I get what you are saying....I, too, feel that same way at times. Wondering how my wife could kiss our daughters good bye, then within an hour be kissing another man....actions that are a direct threat to the love she just showed her daughters....her actions have damaged our daughters. My wife loves our daughters immensely. The love my wife has for our daughters simply was NOT a factor in her mind when she chose adultery.

A WS is broken....they need help to change....left to their own accord their cycle will repeat itself. Books, God, IC, fellowship.....something is needed outside them to change. Left to our own self we simply can not grow past our own limitations. The first step is realizing they did something very bad and need to change. This is why remorse is an important first step in moving away from adultery.

I see this is one of the reasons you are seeking separation...your husband has not found true remorse yet. You are correct in assuming that until he does true R can not take hold. Without it a WS lacks motivation to change. No change = same cycle. sigh.

He says he needs time to heal himself, away from me.

This is the cycle I am referring to. I have read books on infidelity and adultery...17 to be exact. In several of them it talks about this statement from a WS (nothing about adultery is NOT textbook...it is shocking how easy it is to read about the commonality of this sin).

This statement is made by a WS that continues to avoid conflict, to deny they are hurting others, and are wanting to weigh their options.....do I stay married or do I seek other pleasures?

Not a good candidate for R....yet.

The books also talk about separation as a time to tend to your own healing.....a BS healing. IF your husband is doing this weighing that is written about, there is a good chance you are still feeling abused...being abused by his actions.

The books are very clear that a WS needs to shit or get off of the pot. This weighing of options by a WS is mean and cruel.

We all have a duty to ourselves to protect ourselves.

After betrayal it is a very hard thing to let down your guard, to feel safe, to feel loved and valued. If your needs are denied it only causes more pain. It seems to reinforce the feelings of their indifference, it makes you feel like you are not worth the effort. Just not loved.

This is one reason R is a gift from the BS to a WS....choosing to R goes against our self protective nature....actually makes us vulnerable to an unsafe person, made more confusing by the fact that this one person was quite possibly the MOST safe person in our lives before they became the MOST unsafe person in our lives. We are choosing to engage a person who has proven to be, at least for a period of time, toxic to us and our families.

Have you visited with your husband on if he was involved in an Exit Affair? I explored this intently with my wife. 2-5 years is what I have come to accept as the norm for recovery....but at 11 months out he should know if he had an Exit Affair or not. True remorse and a re-dedication to his M may not take place in less than a year, but he should know what his future intentions are.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:59 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

(((Cantaccept)))

He tells me he loves me. He is just not able to give the compassion and remorse consistently.

Bullshit! Copout!

The.....I just don't know how....line is okay as long as it is followed up with....but I am doing something about that because I choose to love you....statement.

He might not know how to fix his truck himself, but I bet he knows how to call a mechanic and set up an appointment to get help to get his truck back on the road....right?

Same theory applies here.

Look...my own FOO fears were a mystery to me. I realized that. I realized they were destructive to my M, but I didn't know how to start to address them...they were so ingrained in me...had been there for decades...but I KNEW I had to fix them. I am praying, reading books, posting thoughts on here for others who have FIXED similar problems to comment on, confided in a very close real-life friend, have gone through 12 months of almost weekly counseling sessions.....and I am making tangible progress on fixing those things that I cant fix on my own. As I do I find connections to other areas that I CAN fix....and I learn to do better on my own as well as with outside help.

This is how we learn almost everything we learn!

He is trying to manipulate you with this statement...see just how little he can change and be acceptable to you in your new M to him. I submit a BS does this too, because I have done it. Testing the waters to see how much of my old, comfortable but unhealthy habits I can bring with me to my new M to my wife.

My answer thus far? NONE!

Part of the reason this is scary is because it is new for all involved...change can be scary, initially. But what I am finding out is that change is almost always good....may get to the point where I actually view all change as good.

This separation is going to be a good thing. Whatever comes of it...it is a new input and you will have a new output. Try and be open about what that output looks like.

Do you really want a M that you feel you have to carry a bulk of the energy, enthusiasm, and love? Your post this year show much of what you are willing to do....you COULD do this for a lifetime, but is that what you really want? Does your husband really want to stop growing where he is at? Be satisfied that he has done all he can to repair the damage he inflicted on you?

All valid questions....all with a valid yes or no answer. No wrong answer here...just the truth.

Aaahhhh the truth. Separation is sometimes necessary to flush out the truth.

I, like you, see it as one of the last tools to get to the truth. And it is scary to think you are running out of tools. But sometimes when I work on my own truck...I go to the tool box and grab a specialty tool. And that ONE TOOL helps me fix my truck! So you don't need 50 tools to make something work....sometimes it only takes one specialty tool.

You got this cantaccept....one way or another you got this. I have seen your courage, benefited from your support. I am looking to return the favor NOW!

I know I am posting a lot to you today....just really feeling your pain....I don't PM female members....so I am flooding your public post with all of my thoughts and words of support.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:56 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

(((( cantaccept)))))

I am so sorry. You are so strong. Deep breaths. This is his problem- not yours.

Take this time for you.

(((Cantaccept)))

I've been thinking a lot about you lately...while my H's A was long ago, I was finally ready to accept it and deal with it just recently, so our paths have been similar (with what has always seemed to be similar H's).

And I am just so damn sorry. I was getting a little hopeful there for you, seemed he was finally willing to try, what a shame he's copping out and taking the selfish easy way instead. I think though that this will be good for you, no matter the outcome. I was beginning to worry that you were starting to accept less you deserved (granted, more than he'd been willing to do before, but still SO much less than you deserve!)

Take this time to focus on you, not him and what he is or isn't doing. He'll either get his shit together or he won't, but at least you'll know and be able to move forward.

Since Blakesteele (as usual ) has said everything I'd like to say, and in a much better fashion, I'll just impart the advice to reread his threads over and over.

I find myself saying pretty much exactly what you have:

It hurts because I often think if you loved me enough, if I meant everything to you, you would do what ever it took to show me, to help me.

I had hoped that he would see, would realize that I am the most important thing to him. I had hoped that he would put forth the effort needed for me to feel loved again.

After betrayal it is a very hard thing to let down your guard, to feel safe, to feel loved and valued. If your needs are denied it only causes more pain. It seems to reinforce the feelings of their indifference, it makes you feel like you are not worth the effort. Just not loved.

We both know it's not us, it's them...but it's so hard to remember that when you feel this low, but try very very hard.

You are an important person of GREAT value and worthy of love and effort, it is HIM that is incapable of seeing this!!

I'm staring at my undecorated Christmas tree, it's been sitting there for days. This shit just seems so much harder to handle this time of year, especially considering we're both in the A season as well...my thoughts and prayers are with you!

((((Cant))))

Having watched you struggle from the get go, I understand your pain, but urge you to look at this as an opportunity.

You are stronger, you are smarter, and you will get through this, no matter the outcome. It hurts like hell now, I get that, but please please please, focus on the positive. He is being completely honest with you. He is incapable of stepping up and making the changes he needs to, and is opting not to, at least you aren't living with him daily, and stressing on is he doing it, is he really going to heal himself and our relationship. You know that he isn't, but the worry can be set aside, and you can truly focus on you at this point.

You gave him an incredible gift of R, and gave him a one year return policy. He gave you the gift, of knowing he isn't ready, or willing to heal himself.

Heal you now. Get strong, get confident, and find happiness. Who knows maybe he will find his way out of the dark, and come back to you but if he doesn't you are going to be happy and whole again.

Please talk to your Dr about AD's, and consider IC if you aren't doing that now. You deserve so much more, and now you are being given permission to find it.

((((and strength))))

To everyone,

You all have my deepest gratitude for your support and compassion.

I am at work today and going to try to focus on the bits of good in each moment. There are good things and people all around me. I am very fortunate in that.

I am feeling a little better, at least at this moment. I am realizing the the limbo I have been living in was really keeping me stuck in pain.

While trying to R, how can you not fight your instinct to detach, to not be vulnerable, that is the path to R, for both, honesty, openness and compassion. The problem is when both are not fully committed, then it just causes more pain.

Living with the hope, trying to see the positive while you are getting mixed signals is so very hard.

I think it will be a relief to let go of the hope, the need to keep pushing myself to expose myself. My IC has been wonderful, pushing me to keep going and helping me to see that this is the only way. The only way to know that I have done all I possibly could.

He betrayed me, he was abusive for years. I still saw deep in him the possibility of change, of him becoming who he could be. I still had the love and compassion to put this behind us and love him in the future in an authentic way.

I told him on Monday, I love you, you have shown me your worst, I am still here, still willing to work with you for our goal, show me who you are now.

I think that he is mostly the same as he was during and before his a. Now I have to accept that. I am grateful that he is being honest, it allows me to let go.

Now, I must focus on just myself. It seems to lighten the burden. No new pain. No wondering if I am worth it to him, it does not matter, I am worth it to me.

This has been the most painful year but at the same time there has been much change and growth with in me. I was forced to finally confront all the ways in which I failed myself. It is a gift in that I could have lived my entire life receiving and giving less than we all deserve.

Now I have the chance to be myself and not conform to any one elses expectations. I am learning who I am, who I want to be and how I want to live and love.

It seems that this trauma offers two paths, die an emotional death or become a stronger, more loving and compassionate person. I choose to become the best person that I can be. I will not let this break me.

Life is change, it's what you do with the change that really matters.

Love and peace and strength to all of us.

Can

Cantaccept, I'm so sorry this is happening...especially during the holiday season.

Blake's words about WS' healing themselves separately were really interesting to me. That is exactly what my WH said to me. (Not surprising since everything else he said to me was right out of the textbook as well...I just hadn't heard that particular line explained so well. )

I'm not exactly joyously happy with my H now that he's back but I do want try to offer some positive thoughts.

The separation was incredibly painful for me. I was left alone with two small children and getting through every day was a monumental task. I healed a bit more every single day, though, and a year out from Dday I threw in the towel emotionally, got all my ducks in a row with my attorney, and moved on.

I guess that pushed WH off the fence because he came right back. You're right that this situation might ultimately really be good for you - you will find inner strength that amazes you!

Now, if he eventually comes back, that's another story. This R crap is sickeningly awful, as you know. )

((cantaccept))

You are precious, you are valuable, you are so worthy of love and respect and honor. I'm so sorry you are going through this, after investing so much into healing your marriage.

I agree, you have to remember that the A was not about you. You did nothing to deserve it, you could not have done anything to prevent it. You are the betrayed - you have done more than anyone could ever expect, to try to restore your marriage after the damage that he did to it.

Anti-depressants are wonderful.

I'm so sorry. Grace and peace to you.

The one thought that keeps going through my head now, "it might be too late". I have given a year. It would take such a monumental effort on his part to reach me now.

Now, it is not just about the years of abuse (just ), not only an affair (bad enough), not only deserting me on dday and blaming me for it, but coming back and watching me suffer everyday and blaming me for that too.

He has said many times, "maybe there is just too much damage", not there just might be.

I keep reviewing the last year, why would I even want him back? The changes are not enough to make me feel safe. To make me feel safe that this would not happen again. There has to be some work towards changing the behaviors, the thought processes that brought us here. I do not feel safe in that.

I have been left to heal myself. I feel like not only has he not supported me with this but has actually made it harder for me.

That is what would be the hardest thing to get over.

He watched while I suffered, knowing he could help but did not care enough to overcome his fear.

I am worth so much more than that.

He has said many times, "maybe there is just too much damage", not there just might be.

My own thought here....not from a book. I wonder if this isnt a WS's way of saying..."Wow, I did something really really really bad....I wonder if my spouse will ever be healed from the pain I have caused?"

Almost as if they are asking "Did I cause too much damage?" question to their BS in an effort to see if they (the WS) actually has to stick around to see the mutalation their "adultery bomb" caused.

I almost wonder if some WS actually WANT a BS to throw in the towel and relieve them from the horrible "ground zero" they created?

Not an Exit Affair. More like a "Shit, I will NEVER chose adultery again...but maybe I can get away from this crime without too much fuss or muss." Kind of like...."Damn, this is going to be really tough....I need some reassurance that this will be worth it."...sort of thing.

My answer to this question? Too fucking bad! This is what is meant when it is said a WS has to step up and step up hard to repair the damage they caused.....regardless if they get a damn thing out of it! They already risked it all for NOTHING....why the hesitation to risk what is left for SOMETHING?!?!? (sorry for the foul language...."Profanity is a strong expression of a weak mind"--Mark Twain...it shows a weakness in me around the anger I have with this lame excuse of how to operate within a M. So aggravating that soooo much energy and effort is put in by a WS into something that DESTROYS the person doing it, the M they are a part of , and the family they agreed to start within that M....and so little energy to put into something that nurtures and grows themselves, a M and the family they are a part of. Times that by 2 when you consider that, many times, their AP are doing the exact same thing!!!!).

Both are blakesteele's thoughts....nothing like this has been shared from Mrs. Blakesteele, never read anything like this....just a theory.

It is built on the assumption that most WS avoid conflict and can disengage from their feelings\deny their feelings more completely then others. Some of this assumption is based from reported facts in the books I have read....books that list common traits of those involved in adultery.

Adultery really, truly is a choice that is made internally by a single individual.

Now that the emotions of DD have subisded....it is possible that you have decided that the A was a deal breaker?

Now, it is not just about the years of abuse (just ), not only an affair (bad enough), not only deserting me on dday and blaming me for it, but coming back and watching me suffer everyday and blaming me for that too.

Now....back to solid wisdom...that which I have read and has become a part of me.

Most books speak to the fact that the singular act that is adultery can be overcome with two committed parties....and success rates of R with these couples is high.

These same books say that successful reconcilation odds drop off DRAMATICALLY when trickle truth, lies, and repeat abuse takes place post-DD.

You and I have both sustained this subsequent abuse. Several reasons....

First and foremost, my wife chose as she chose. PERIOD. We were in MC, friends and family members knew about the EA....and she still chose to take her EA to PA levels.

Second, my own FOO fears influenced me (secretively as I was ignorant then) to minimize the trauma that occurred....this, combined with my wifes sisters feable advice to "just stop seeing her AP and work on the M" (no mention of telling the truth...or introspection on why my wife was choosing how she was choosing) enabled my wife to continue her fantasy-world living. I am sure my wife was very willing to let myself and her sister hear what she wanted and used this manipulation technique to facilitate her selfish choices.....so, ultimately, it really does come down to herself.....just like your husbands choices comes down to hisself.

Truthfully, I regret not separating that first night I discovered my wifes affair. By choosing the way I did, I subjected myself to further abuse, did my wife no favors, and damaged my family.

I have given up all hope of a better past.

I have hope for a better future. My M will improve or it will die. There is no middle ground anymore.

Pre-A blakesteele's M was....middle ground. Not exciting, challenging, or complete...but it was....okay.

Okay simply will not cut it anymore.

At 8 months out my wife and I talked about separation. We were close, but did not do it.

At 16 months out...we are in a better spot.

It does appear your husband is taking longer then normal to re-committ to his marriage to you....but it is not off-the-charts....yet.

Can you find something TODAY to do that absolutely pulls your attention off of your relationship with your husband (NOT a RA!!!)?

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:35 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Hi Blake,

As far as today, yes I am trying to not focus on "us" and the issues surrounding it. As you see by my even being here I am not succeeding.

That's okay to though, I need to get all this out. I have been holding it in since Monday morning. No one to talk to that understands.

One thing I am looking forward to, my son is coming home! He is moving home for good, he is on his way right now, about 14 hours to go.

I am going to make the most of the Christmas tree. I am going to ask, beg if I have to!, for my sons to come and help me decorate it. I do not want to do it alone and having h help would be way to painful.

Also, my son has expressed that he would love to move in with me. He needs time to get on his feet and to not be alone in the house again would help tremendously. He is 28 and we really connect on a very deep level. He is a very wise and introspective 28 year old man.(did I just call my son a man???!!!) How did that happen?!

There are good things in the future and even in the present. There is also pain. There is no way to avoid the pain, that does not work. Just feel it and know that it is okay, it will pass. It will pass as I do more to remember that I can love others and that I am worthy of love.

I have been comparing these feeling to death. You have a loved one (my marriage), it has been so sick, I was afraid of death but was also hopeful of that miracle drug, that cure,it did not happen, it died. Now I am just facing that my miracle did not come, it died, now I mourn. Then I heal.

(((can)))

You made it to work! Good for you. I just want to you know I appreciate you sharing your reflections of the past year today.

It's very interesting to think back about this crazy journey. I think you are very insightful. I had already been doing a little bit of that this morning and you are motivating me to keep going with it. I was thinking back to right after dday, my journaling was in big giant scribbles on pages and pages of paper. Today, I was able to calmly collect my thoughts in a neat organized way. I too am finding much change and growth out of the most painful thing that has happened to me.

I think you are really on to something BlakeS, I really get your perspective on what the WS might be thinking. You comment about after the emotions subside, maybe the cheating was a deal breaker is ringing true for me. I am starting to wonder that. Anyway, I appreciated your thoughts, thanks for sharing.

I appreciate your passion, no worries about the language! Makes it all that more passionate!

Take care cantaccept!!!

You know...back at 4 months out I realized that my M was killed. Not all BS agree with me on this, but my M died when my wife chose another man.

You can't have 3 people in a M. If you are married and a third person is invited in, it breaks the M...the M, as we knew it...as we vowed in front of God and others....died when my wife made that first decision to have a secret relationship with her AP.

Is it possible you are just getting to full acceptance now? Not that your husbands affair was a deal breaker...just that the starkness of what has happened is settling in?

I noted a stark change in my journey when I gave up hope of "saving" my M and moved my hope into "R" a M. A subtle but distinct difference in my mind.

It has caused me to re-evaluate all of my actions and motivations behind those actions. Doing this is exhausting but worthwhile work.

I have come to know blakesteele more intimately then I ever knew him before. I am hopeful that my relationship with my wife will follow in similar fashion....have small glimpses that I am on to something here.

....just another thought.

Enjoy your time with your son. My daughters continue to be a motivating and positive influence in my life as well.

I am grateful your son is a "man" even if you are surprised by this! I am concerned about the damage this struggle is doing to our 6 and 9 year old daughters.....

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:32 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

In a crazy way I think maybe his behavior and choice to have an affair was a deal breaker for him. The problem lies in the fact that even if he runs from me, he cannot run from himself.

I suppose if he is able to maintain those walls, the denial and justifications he will be able to live with it. Seeing me is too much of a reminder.

As far as knowing that it will get better, be worth it if you do the work. I have done my best to show him that when he is able to give what I need, it works for me, it allows me to give the love that I feel.

The few times that he has, I have jumped in with all my heart, put aside every doubt, fear, and feeling of betraying myself. I praised verbally, I thanked him, I told him how much it means, how it lightens my heart, gives me hope, I showed him with affection and physical love, I smiled, for days.

The problem is the inconcsistency, the infrequency, the reverting to defensiveness and blame towards me for feeling pain.

I can never feel safe with my feelings, expressing them because I never know the response. It could be compassion or it could be more hurt or it could be worse, it could feel like flat indifference.

I am grateful for the honesty from him. Now I know what is real. The mixed messages were driving me crazy. I wanted so badly to believe him but my gut was screaming.

Reality, truth is so much easier to deal with.

(((cantaccept)))

I am in the same situation as yourself. Only it took me twice as long :)

Stay strong, focused. i too feel anxiety, but i know i'll be ok. So will you. We really are so much stronger than we were.

Initially on dday, i couldnt even comprehend what had happened. Today i do and i am able to accept it in a healthy fashion. Not the weak, wobbly being i was, crying all the time. Now i only cry some of the time :)

We'll be ok Cant. I am sorry for the pain your in.

(((cantaccept)))

Congratulations on making it to work. On days like you are having, that is not a given.

You are strong.

Hi Blake,

Had to reply specifically to you, feels like your my little brother, when I hear you in pain.

Your consistent support and thoughtful posts have meant so much to me through this year.

My brother brat.

I made it to work but not being very productive. I think I will go home now.

Biggest problem with that is he may be home and that is so very painful.

Not sure how to get through the days until he moves and terrified of how it will feel after he is gone.

(((((cantaccept)))))

I know this isn’t what you wanted or what you worked so hard for. When you separate (if you separate), do so with your head extremely high, knowing you carried yourself with integrity and class throughout your marriage, in spite of what was happening around you, and that you did absolutely everything you could to try to save your marriage. It’s too bad your WH doesn’t see what he’s letting get away. He will regret this one day, trust me on that. He will regret this deeply, but you won’t.

After only a week or two, you’ll begin to feel like you can breathe again. Then you’ll want to laugh and have fun. Then you’ll wonder why you spent a year trying to work with someone that was fighting the process the entire time, and you will have your smile back.

I’m so sorry for you right now because I know your heart is so sad right now. Soon, very soon, it won’t be – you won’t be. You deserve so much better. You are a very kind person. I sincerely hope you get absolutely everything you want in life.