SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you Holly. That's true. He can be in contact with her.

I hear what you are saying and it makes sense... I just need to act on it. I just re-read the 180 and plan to enforce it because I'm tired of allowing myself to get hurt again and again.

I realize that this is an abusive cycle. I think I would be without guilt if I knew I did not set the cycle off. He was angry bc I sent text messages such as the one below after I saw some discrepancies in his whereabouts during the affair that he did not cop to-

" I'm sick of playing detective and proving to YOU what YOU already known but refuse to admit unless I show you absolute proof. Why don't you save me the time and headaches and tell me that you spent your free time with her or maybe someone else? Yes, you stayed late at work to hang out w her? That you spent your 2 hours lunch breaks with her? That you spent part of your birthday with her? You continuing to lie, minimize, etc will only guarantee our separation. Please stop putting me through this and tell me everything so I can start to move away from digging all the time! Do you see that you are causing me to lose my mind? Why don't you put a stop to it? And YES, I deserve to know all of these details!!!!!! I deserve to know when, where, why, how.."

This is the nature of my texts to him when I think I find out something new. It's my agree sickness and continued attack through messages such as these that initiate the cycle. This is where my guilt comes from. I could go about it in a better more nature way instead of saying such horrible things. This is why I continue to feel bad and take on at least part of the responsibility for our current state.

(((((statistic))))) Honey, I am so sorry that he's such a cruel ass. Think long and hard about what kind of person could cut off his wife's legs and then dump her because she's limping. This guy? Is not the man you thought you married. The guy in your mind - the one you fell in love with - is a mask that this guy put on for a while. The guy you love is not real.

No contact unless it's about your daughter or money. And that contact should be completely business like and concise. Even better, keep any contact to text or email. Way fewer emotional landmines that way, and you can take time before responding, which helps tremendously.

Turn your focus 100% away from him. Focus on you and your daughter. Practice self-care

Talk to a lawyer. Find out where you stand. Get temporary orders in place STAT for financials, visitation, and use of the house.

Hang in there, honey. You CAN do this. You are so much stronger than you can imagine.

He is not being strong. He's being a controlling dick and throwing a mantrum to get you to fall back in line.

He's still lying to you. That first response he sent you? I heard the exact same shit when I would figure out something that didn't *make sense* and ask about it.....and it didn't make sense because he was lying. Every.Time.

You are dealing with a guy whose pea-brain is telling him that HE is the 'victim' in this scenario. Does that even make sense?

He wanted all to be settled by New Years. If it wasn't settled, he was going to settle it for me and he did

This type of shit makes me feel extremely stabby.

The *cheater* is going to start throwing threats and ultimatums around? Seriously?????

All I see in what you've shared is controlling and manipulative behavior on his part. He is controlling the flow of information and when you try to *go* somewhere in the story where he doesn't want you to go.....he turns into an evil, abusive monster.

He is controlling and manipulating you when he is doing/saying the *nice* things. So long as you act the way that he wants you to, then life is grand and he'll be as nice/kind/patient as he can be. BUT when you don't follow the *niceStat* script -- you need to be *punished* in the most cruel fashion. Believe it or not, there are people in the world who enjoy being cruel and it sounds as if your WH is one of them. I'll bet that he thinks that you *deserve* to be talked to in the abusive way that he's talking to you. He's even insinuated that you bring it on yourself. Again, does that even make any sense?

Your WH is not a *nice* person who acts like a dick when he gets frustrated or upset. He is a dick who is *nice* to get what he wants.

As for not *listening* to the SI vets? There are very few newbies that do. I sure as hell didn't. I had the hardest head ever. Everyone had my stbx *pegged* from the moment I started posting here. I spent way too much of my time trying to *explain* to him what was 'wrong' about what he had done and was doing. And SI was telling me to knock it the hell off -- the advice stayed in my brain, but I continued on with the constant contact. All that I achieved was to prolong the inevitable. But now I've got quite a bit more 'fall-out' to deal with than I would have if I had made a clean break when I should have.

Think about this, Stat: you are dealing with a grown man. Does it make sense that you have to 'explain' to him that a relationship consists of 2 people? Should you have to 'explain' to him what it takes to make amends and atone for wrong-doing? No. Those are lessons that should be learned in childhood and should already be in his brain somewhere. You aren't his mother -- it isn't your job to teach him how to be a 'decent' human being. He either wants to be one or he wants to carry on being a hurtful asshole who blames everyone else for the problems that he creates. I'll let you figure out which option your WH fits into.

What happens about the rest like our marriage, is nothing really important or matters right now for me! I don't want anything to do with you from now on. Good bye!!!! Turning off my phone."

Fuck.This.Guy. He already showed you that the marriage wasn't important to him by cheating. And now he is telling you that it still doesn't matter.

You are in control of you. YOU get to decide what you are willing to put up with or not. It is no fun (not to mention, pointless) to deal with a person whose main method of communication is manipulation.

He is pushing your buttons and counting on you to feeling rejected. He's expecting you to now be 'putty in his hands' when *he* decides to contact you again.

Go dark on this guy. Complete radio silence no matter WHAT he says. He's most likely not done with you yet. He'll be back with either a bunch of talk that sounds so sweet or with vitriolic anger about what an unreasonable bitch you are being and accusations that YOU are the *reason* for the problems. Do not take the bait. SBB down in D/S has a saying: There are no fish in this pond. This pond is out of water. Fuck off.

Get mad Stat.

Cross-posted with you. Don't you DARE take on guilt for his abusive behavior. There is NOTHING you did to contribute to it. Period.

I think I would be without guilt if I knew I did not set the cycle off.

So long as you act the way that he wants you to, then life is grand and he'll be as nice/kind/patient as he can be. BUT when you don't follow the *niceStat* script -- you need to be *punished* in the most cruel fashion

YOU DO NOT SET THE CYCLE OFF!!!!

There was NOTHING out of line in what you wrote to him. NOTHING.

http://www.cchers.org/cap/about.html

http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AbusiveCycle.html

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:01 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

Your text was perfectly reasonable, if he had just told you the truth or better yet not cheated in the first place, you would not have had to send the text.

Actually, you have turned the corner. He didn't dump you, you just realized you don't want him. You don't want his abusive tantrums and toxic attitude.

Polish your bitch boots and get to work. 180 and a lawyer. Move on and see him flop in your dust.

Good luck.

Gonnabe- I'm reading the info you sent me now.

WH said my accusations about spending lunch time with her were unfounded as were the other things I accused him of in the text. He told me that he would sit down with me and explain all the discrepancies. I continued to ask him how I would know he was telling the truth? I asked him pointed questions about these discrepancies. He then shifted gears and got angry bc he said my imagination was taking things to far and I was making things up to fight about bc all my accusations were totally unfounded. I have a real hard time believing him the first time around. I have no proof, only suspicion and that is why I said what I did. I'm suspicious and paranoid and think the absolute worst whenever my radar detects something fishy.

I emailed our MC to set up an appointment for myself (not a couples session- MC said he can see us individually if we need it) and he responded right away and said I probably did over react since I had no proof and need to start trusting my husband somewhere. All of this is to say that I started a fight over things that he could of probably of explained away if I only gave him a chance to earn my trust back. Instead, I let my suspicions get the best of me over something that occurred long ago and most likely is unfounded, thereby erasing any attempts to improve that my WH has made.

I think I need a new IC. I'm sorry if I sound frustrated and hard headed. I am reading your comments over and over again and trying to shift my perspective to one that is healthier.

I'm so very sorry, (((statistic)). You're married to a currently remorseless man-child who does not get it, who thinks it's all about him and making things easy for him again.

Can this change? Yes. But only if he sees the problem (him) and wants to do the VERY hard work to change. I don't see that happening --- at least not before you're ready to leave him behind forever. (In his fog he does not seem to understand that your tolerance and willingness to R is ticking away---he doesn't have the luxury of taking his sweet time getting where he needs to be.)

Did you notice how often he uses "u" in accusations only, and "me me me" so frequently when describing how very little YOU matter.

Lying, cheating, foggy bastard.

He is not being strong. He's being a controlling dick and throwing a mantrum to get you to fall back in line.

Exactly.

Trac-Fone tried this. About 6 weeks out, he told me I had until a date not very far hence by which I was expected to "be over it." Seriously, he expected me to be on a roughly 8-week time frame for healing. No one here knew any better than him! In fact, he posted a thread some might remember entitled, "How long do I have to eat this shit sandwich?" at about the 8-week mark. Eight weeks. It was hellish--but man, was it illuminating. That post showed me, more than any report from any psychiatrist, what a complete mess he was (and remains, 3.5 years later).

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:24 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

All of this is to say that I started a fight over things that he could of probably of explained away if I only gave him a chance to earn my trust back. Instead, I let my suspicions get the best of me over something that occurred long ago and most likely is unfounded, thereby erasing any attempts to improve that my WH has made.

WTF.

Now you're talking yourself into this being your fault. You're a normal BS. You question, you have to make sense of what was you life at the time of the A.

The issue here is his reaction. He's not being patient. He's overreacting. What kind of remorseful WS leaves their BS and INFANT on NYE? And cuts off all means of contact?

You just posted that you're not going to be drawn into the cycle again, but as soon as he contacted, there you are. Right back into getting ready to take on the blame for his choices.

ETA- the above sounds harsh. I'm not angry at you, I'm angry FOR you.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 11:25 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

Gonna be... This really struck me. I've been giving him the benefit if the doubt because I considered him a nice person who turned ugly when mad.

Your WH is not a *nice* person who acts like a dick when he gets frustrated or upset. He is a dick who is *nice* to get what he wants.

Holly- sorry, should of clarified. I was giving more background on yesterday's convo. I've not her from him since his good bye text. I plan to remain strong in the unlikely event he reaches out.

What kind of remorseful WS leaves their BS and INFANT on NYE? And cuts off all means of contact?

The kind who picks a fight so he can go spend the evening with his OW.

I emailed our MC to set up an appointment for myself (not a couples session- MC said he can see us individually if we need it) and he responded right away and said I probably did over react since I had no proof and need to start trusting my husband somewhere.

Statistic - You start trusting your husband when he shows that he's trustworthy. And not a moment sooner.

So far, he's showing that he's selfish, manipulative, angry, defensive, blameshifting...

Where's the trustworthy guy in that scenario?

Does your MC have experience in dealing with infidelity? I question his read of the situation and his advice to you to start trusting someone who is behaving as your husband is.

Our mc says he's had lots of experience with couples and infidelity.

How do I get through these initial days of no contact? It's only been since late last night since I heard from him. His disregard cuts deeply. He doesn't know that our DD cried all night because of the loud fireworks. He doesn't know that she rolled over for the first time this morning. It would kill me to miss these sometimes small, yet very important things. How on earth can a person be so wrapped up in their own discomfort that it costs him his family? I will never understand.

Everyone is right... It's not my place to teach him. I hope one day I can see this point of my life with the same clarity you all do so I can stop second guessing myself.

Save all text. This isn't going to end now. But you MUST take care of you not just for you sake but for your child's sake as well.

The kind who picks a fight so he can go spend the evening with his OW.

Keep this in mind. I am a recipient of this behavior then they come back all remorseful and wanting forgiveness....until the next time.

All of this is to say that I started a fight over things that he could of probably of explained away if I only gave him a chance to earn my trust back.

Your choice of words jumped out at me here. You know that unless you have video proof, he's going to feed you bullshit or go on the attack. And even if you had video proof, he'd probably still try to convince you that it wasn't *him* on the video.

And YES, I deserve to know all of these details!!!

That you have to say this to him indicates that he is being dismissive of your requests for information. Not cool. Again....you shouldn't have to beg for this information. If he was sincerely remorseful, he wouldn't make you beg for it.

I would suggest that you dump the MC for now. This MC is doing more harm than good at this point. Being told that you need to start trusting your WH somewhere is just stupid advice because your WH has given you NO REASON to trust him. Your WH had your trust, he broke it....and now he needs to EARN it back. Bestowing trust on a person who is still super defensive and most likely still lying is self-destructive and ill-advised, IMO.

I saw some discrepancies in his whereabouts during the affair

So what did you *see*?

Don't discount your gut. Your sub-conscious has been registering all of this shit.....and if your mind has made *connections*, then you should trust that. As I said before......the more defensiveness and anger you receive from your WH when you bring something up, the more it shows you how close to the truth you are.....

I hope one day I can see this point of my life with the same clarity you all do so I can stop second guessing myself.

You will.

Part of the reason that I dumped all of that abuse info on you is because once you start *seeing* the dynamics.....it becomes more clear to you every day.