SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your kids don't need five bedrooms. They don't need a non coin-operated laundry certainly! All they need is your love, and I absolutely know they have it. That is what matters, not house size or material comfort. That is a good lesson for them to learn and will make them stronger and more compassionate as they grow up. I know they will be proud of you, too, once they are at an age to really see your strength and how much you care for them.

Anyway you can just pretend you live in NYC's housing market My (future) kids will be crammed into 900 feet with their parents and a laundry room way down in the building basement! So it's all relative

I talked with him yesterday. He said that divorce papers are a real message to him. He said that the choice is up to me. We either go one way or the other way. He did say that he would put into contract form the other things that I talk to him about going to counseling working on the marriage etc. He also mentioned a scenario where I would be living in the house and we would still have separate finances because we would be divorced.

He has stated that I could move in and it will be OK at any time. Here is the other thing. For me the divorce is going to be much harder and what is the actual benefit that I am receiving from the divorce. For example my financial situation would be much better if I was with him. I do love him I do trust him and he does a lot of other things for me.

This may seem different for others, but for me I am also angry at the fact that I have to come home from work each day and make dinner for my kids. I don't want him to get away with not having to help out in that regard for the next 8 years.

I don't know about anybody else but that really just seems unfair to me that he gets to sit at home well I am at my house cooking for the kids after I get home from work. Like I said I don't know if anyone else feels that way about divorce, but it's kind of like he is getting away with not having to have that responsibility that I have because they live with me the majority of the time.

My sister says he is the one who made the situation. The way that I see the financial situation as well is that I'm getting his pension anyway, I'm getting his money anyway because my costs will be significantly decreased because I won't have to pay rent and utilities. He's going to be paying for all that.Just giving some different scenarios here.I am a planner and looking at the big picture long term.

I am also thinking about my future and what I want out of a marriage. I like to be married. I don't want to be in that situation where I have to not have somebody help me with these children and in the future myself, as I get older. I also don't like the scenario of the blended family.The stage I am in my life, I am not looking for someone who's going to be going out partying. I am just looking for that basic marriage companionship, going on trips together and the daily emotional intimacy.

I see a lot of that now in the dating world of my other single friends that they are just saying that there is junk out there and that they don't have any help with their children and if they wish they would have stayed with their husband.They say noone wants to marry anymore.

[This message edited by torn2bits at 12:29 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

So, lets say you stop the D and move back in with him and play happy family.

What happens when he starts

downloading porn, had a match.com acct. looking for hookups, etc.

or you have to call the police

because he was pushing me.

or

He gets violent and angry.

or he starts

to say things to the kids that are not appropriate.

or he calls

the police on me

or

We go to the store together and he left me there and told me to walk home. I had to take a cab home.

All of these quotes are from your profile. This does not sound like a healthy relationship to me. Saying nice things and buying you a tshirt does not mean he is a changed man. And he is trying to bully you into not getting the D by telling you it is basically telling you it is a deal breaker for him. That is ironic -- he has an A and treats you terribly for years and now says that D will be a "real message". for him.

I predict that if you stop the D and try to R with him, then you will be posting in JFO again in 2-3 years. I hope I am wrong, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and his past behavior is brutal.

Sounds to me like you're in the bargaining stage. Also that fear of being alone is driving you and not reality of who your WH is. Have you read the fears vs reality thread here in divorce? If not please do.

Others have touched on the important points. All I want to say/add is no amount of help or money makes up for the emotional toll such a relationship has on you. Yes it's unfair that you need to be a single parent. All of this is unfair. It still doesn't make it a good choice to stay with such a man. By all means if he means what he says why can't he do all those things when you're divorced and you have the safety blanket of a settlement agreement already if shit hits the fan?

I see so many red flags and potholes in your posts and I'm concerned and worried for you. I hope you find your way but please don't let the fear of being alone drive your choices. Good luck.

Why isn't he helping with the kids now?

what is the actual benefit that I am receiving from the divorce.

Besides not being with a cheater that will disrespect you and possibly give you STDs including HIV?

I do love him I do trust him and he does a lot of other things for me.

Okay.... What did he do to make you trust him? What other things does he do to make those OTHER other things Dreamboat summarized worth it?

You talk about help with childcare. I would also like to know why he isn't helping?

I'm worried that you are in some kind of BS rugsweeping fog due to fear and grief and that you are going to end up right back here, especially if the divorce is canceled and/or he he is allowed ANY slack on the R plan. Your WH has some serious SA-type issues and will need a lot of therapy. Since you are already separated it seems it would be better for your kids if you made sure he followed through and that R would truly be successful before you move back in together. If you are unwilling to go through with the D now I doubt you will move back out again if he slacks on your R criteria. But if you are withholding R based on his progress he will either follow through or show his true colors.

I definitely understand where you are coming from. I have similar thoughts. But I squash them or at least don't act on them. I try to stay business like and think of my WH as an investment and his behavior repeatedly shows me I would lose my money all over again if I invited him back into my life without him demonstrating true effort and change beforehand.