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Unfortunately, HE has the family laptop. I'm just borrowing my brother's (who wants it back). The Arse considers the laptop his, mainly because he used it during his A, but it's the only computer we have.

I would be careful taking the laptop from him. He could have it loaded with spyware and programs to see what you are doing on it...

If you do get a lap top from him, be sure to take it to someone very knowledgable about computers and have it erased or reformatted. I know this will probably cost you money, but well worth it to avoid the spyware.

Ah,my brother is a computer techie . I think this may be why he doesn't want to let me have the family laptop. I suspect he's been watching all kinds of BDSM porn, plus posting on dating sites etc and doesn't want me to find things.

Truth is, I'd just like a laptop to be able to use,that actually belongs to our family and won't need to be returned. I don't care what he's been doing. I know what he did before he left when he was worried about getting caught. Now that he's been living in privacy without worrying I'll see things...There'll be dodgy stuff on there. That's a given.

[This message edited by Softcentre at 1:31 AM, April 12th, 2014 (Saturday)]

Just got his solicitor's letter. The Arse believes that my grounds for unreasonable behaviour are inaccurate or exaggerated and that he is not solely responsible for the break down of the marriage. He says he'll agree not to contest the divorce petition if I write an open letter saying that:

1. This does not amount to acceptance that he has behaved intolerably as alleged or at all

2. In the unlikely event of his conduct being in issue, that I will not rely upon the fact that he has not defended the allegations as evidence that they are true but will seek to prove them afresh

3. My claim for decree costs will be limited to 50%, say, £500 inclusive of tax and court fees

Can someone translate this from legalese, giving me the implications, please?

Not knowing the UK system, sounds like he doesn't want anyone to know about his perversions, and doesn't want you to tell anyone, either. It is more cake eating on his part. He wants the D and then wants you to shut up about it. Personally, I would not agree to these terms. It is more bullying tactics to him. Make him pay up to £1000 in L fees and court costs.

Don't agree to anything until you run it past a solicitor or legal aid. Here in the US there are programs for people who need help with an L. I hope there are programs in the UK that you can take advantage of.

Hang in there. Bound to be a rocky ride.

Ack. The dreaded double post. Not sure how I did that.

[This message edited by Leia at 7:15 AM, April 12th (Saturday)]

I think maybe the £500 is supposed to be the sweetener to get me to write the open letter. As in, write this open letter saying these things and he'll contribute towards the costs. Funnily enough, when I almost filed before (almost a year ago, but I backed out), he asked me to do the same, but offered £1700...

...Umm, no. Offering me LESS when I have MORE of a backbone is just

Anyway, as a priest I really don't want to write that letter. Integrity/honesty is important to me. Doesn't that wording effectively say I'm making it up? Plus, for my career/vocation, I need to be able to show that I had biblical grounds for divorce. Why would I jeopardise that?

ETA:

I have scrimped and saved really hard and have a small retainer to pay a solicitor for advice and helping with the forms.

[This message edited by Softcentre at 7:41 AM, April 12th, 2014 (Saturday)]

So today I went to the solicitor's to check the paperwork over. I decided to ignore his 'request' and have been advised that it is not normal for someone to ask that, anyway. The paperwork is on it's way to the court!

The children and I went out for a day together and I found that I was unknowingly grinning from ear to ear. I'm sure a low will hit at some point, but clearly a big part of me is relieved/happy to be filing

Keep your head up, Soft!It's a roller coaster so enjoy those fun parts!!!

Overall, I'm getting stronger each day.

I'm discovering how much he manipulated me and crushed my self confidence and trust in myself. If he'd done it aggressively, I would have walked. He didn't do it like that though.

With money, by dday I was in the position of never getting money out myself (he did it as a 'favour' to me), never seeing the bank statements (they were there, but it was 'his' job, so if I asked to look, he looked hurt [implying mistrust of him] and I backed off), he had my internet banking details and I didn't (we went to the bank together, he wrote them down and just...never gave them to me and put me off each time), he had hidden debt (credit cards, I have discovered at least 5 cards to date). Ugh. With my internet banking details, it took a couple of months of MC with the MC pressing him, for him to give me the details. Even then, he didn't actually give them to me.He wrote them on a piece of paper and pout it in his desk drawer for me to find...deliberately putting me in the position to having to admit snooping to be able talk about it.

I now realise that he had been bad mouthing me to mutual friends for some time before the As I'm aware of, with a sad 'I'm a victim' look on his face...but refused to speak to me. He once set me up whilst we were on holiday with friends. He pushed all my buttons (yes, I let him!) and we ended up arguing. I went into our bedroom to cry under the covers so no-one would know. He stayed in the kitchen and did great heaving, loud sobs. He attracted the attention of the one friend in the flat, who comforted him. Thing is. That's the only time he cried in our whole relationship, until after dday. And the only times he cried after dday, were when 1) In front of a female co-worker (suspected EA) after I had rung him to tell him I'd discovered he'd broken NC. He just happened to be crying in a stairwell where she worked and she just happened to be walking up...2) When he finally confessed to a PA to me. 3) Whenever the conversation went somewhere he didn't like. And it was never quiet tears. It was always hulking noisy sobs...in front of an audience. He knew I couldn't bear seeing him hurt and he used it to manipulate me.

He always has to be the victim.

He turned our roles round after dday. Somehow I found myself begging him to stay, trying to convince him to work at things,apologising for everything, working to hard on myself...while he did none of that, but kept threatening to leave whenever I enforced my boundaries or told someone. I did tell him to get out just once. He told the boys he'd hurt me lots. But then he disregarded me and came back an hour later. I couldn't summon up the reserves to tell him to leave again. I wish I had.

He's currently doing the role reversal with the finances. I'm the one living on government benefits, but he's the one implying he has no money for anything and asking me to contribute (he has a very good salary). He's the poor victim . But this time I'm wise to it and standing firm.

The Arse came round with a laptop for me It's refurbished, but has a 6 month guarantee.

Hooray for the laptop!

Glad it worked out. Like many of us, we are suspect of them, but in some cases, they do surprise us in a good way.

I ended up dreading sex. I take my share of responsibility for that - I didn't know how to talk to him about it, I tried, but couldn't make myself understood.

I don't think this is anything that you need to *own*. You tried talking to him about it, but in order to have an effective 'talk', you have to be dealing with someone who actually gives a shit or has enough emotional intelligence to at least understand where you're coming from. So I suspect that it wasn't so much that you couldn't make him understand you.....I think he just didn't care to try. And that is NOT on you.

My (now)stbx's perceptions were so warped that, in our discussions since Dday, it got to the point where I refused to discuss pretty much anything related to our relationship with him. Mis-interpretation happens, but his mis-interpretation would become set in stone in his mind regardless of anything that I said to the contrary. And after being 'out of the soup' for a while, I notice that it's really nice to not feel as if I'm walking around *explaining* myself all the time.

I was worried that he'd act like a jerk about the laptop and I'm glad to see that he didn't. Don't get too elated, though, because I'm sure he's keeping track of that good deed on the 'mental balance sheet' that he keeps in his head.

Also glad that you didn't write that letter he requested. At first I thought that HE was going to write the letter and wanted YOU to sign it and I thought "sure, sign it after you tweak #3"....but then I realized that he wanted YOU to write it. Uh, no.

Anyway. You get to the end by taking one step at a time.