SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ultimately I think you have to give her the money.

But there's no reason to be overly responsive or to make it easy.

The best advice, as others have said, is to send the money with no comment and no communication. Disengage.

Worse advice but very tempting would be to make her sweat a bit. Send her an email saying you haven't read her latest email because you are trying to respect her wishes to not be in contact. Make her call you three or four times (don't answer). Let a little time pass, then send the money.

I would reply with "you are right I don't want to hear from you, you money has been mailed, Never contact me again. with fondest regards your most humble and obedient servant, "your name Esquire" hopefully she would get the sarcasm

If you're feeling a little vindictive, you could send her the cash in Canadian dollars...

I am really not trying to sway the vote - but I cannot help being bitter right now because she still thinks it is appropriate to use me.

IMO the best way to say "I'm done with you" is to send her the money ASAP. If you absolutely can't afford to do that right now then tell her you will get it to her when you have the refund.

Any other response, including keeping it or part of it may allow her to justify to herself contacting you further. The more business-like you are and the more you keep emotion out of it, the harder it is for her to find a crack and try to manipulate you.

This is just my opinion, of course, but I remember your story and this woman does not seem to have any scruples. You deserve better.

Yep. Just send it, with no further communication.

She wired you the money to pay for the kennel service, therefore the refund is hers when you receive it, whether you like it or not. Do the right thing and send it to her--along with a great big KISS MY ASS goodbye note.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 2:51 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

Basically, everything that William said on page 1.

This was a difficult situation to begin with. Be grateful you're not married and that there aren't children involved. You've spent far more time mourning this relationship than she has put into ending it. Your happiness does not depend on her presence. If it ever did, you were doing the relationship thing wrong.

Her money. Return it. The less accompanying words, the better.

I very much appreciate all the thoughts and viewpoints I have received to this discussion from the members of “SI”. I am in fact overwhelmed so many responded with their opinions. All of the feedback has allowed me to feel better in much of my decision in regards to the refund to my “wayward”.

Firstly – I know I owe her nothing in regards to my loyalty and/or respect to her. She destroyed that herself so willingly – with her big blue eyes wide open.

Secondly – as mentioned by “nomistakeaboutit”– “you're likely a nice guy”. Yes I can say without any reservations that I am a nice guy – but you know what they always say about “nice guys” and where they keep finishing. I believe in respect / loyalty / and honesty above all else. My body is scared inside and out with doing what was the right thing to do. I cannot – nor would I want to change that ever – though I do consider it at times. I have been “cold” in the past to protect myself – but never mean or dishonest to others. I have always felt it important to be able to look at my face in the mirror – and not have to turn away in disgust.

Maybe I watched too many TV episodes of “The Waltons” and “Little House On The Prairie” as a child?

I have not seen or heard anything about a refund being sent to me other than by her word in her e-mail. I am not going to do anything until I see the cheque in the mail – and who the payee is designated as. I do know the airline carrier was generous with gift certificates for future flights to her for the trouble – which she will no doubt use to her advantage.

I believe the refund is rightfully hers. I also believe the refund should be minus any expenses incurred by me. At the time the puppy was traveling – I still was willing to put forth the effort to forgive her and was not so concerned about every penny spent since it was still thought as “our money” by me. That has of course changed now – an it has obviously changed for her as well.

There is the American/Canadian exchange rate to consider. There is the wire transfer costs to consider. There is the traveling costs to and from the airport to consider on the day of travel (which involved a taxi cab as well as rapid public transit).

I also have a parcel to be sent to her containing her last remaining family photos / some personal paper documents / three special Christmas ornaments / and the remains of one of her previous dogs. The cost to send her the parcel now will be paid for from the refund money – and not out of my pocket as was earlier involved.

I am prepared to give her what is left over after all of those items are deducted.

I will take the “high road” in all of this because one day I want her to look back on any memory she may have of me – and realize what she threw so carelessly away on a whim to feel desirable by a total stranger once again – as though she was 21 years old when it came so naturally to her.

If she does not feel fairly treated by the deductions – so be it – since I do not care anymore what her opinion of me is. She will think in the future whatever helps to ease her soul and her feelings of self proclaimed righteousness.

I will also tell her not to ever contact me again – or bother me again in any way - or I shall phone her estranged abusive husband and tell him where she lives now. I have his phone number and have fought with him many times in the past on her behalf. She has stated earlier that his knowledge of her whereabouts would ruin her new life. I have protected her long enough from him over the time of our relationship – so the rest is up to her now. (In fact she would still contact him at times after she left him and during our relationship – and I do not want that fate for myself.)

Think of it as a set “boundary” on my part.

Once the puppy was with her after the trip – she gave me the brush-off just as I thought she might - and did not want contact with me until she decided. She seems to keep deciding – three times she has contacted me in the last month – and always wanting something from me. The first time I never saw her “Facebook” message until days later.

I am grateful for all the insight given to me on this discussion. I know it was all said with my best intentions in mind. Your help and consideration has not gone un-noticed by me -

A very thankful – BlackHorse.

My thought is it was her money, refunded to her (via you). theres enough there to be angry and hurt about without adding in money spite issues. Send money back as you would any professional acquaintance, and be done with it

or I shall phone her estranged abusive husband and tell him where she lives now. I have his phone number and have fought with him many times in the past on her behalf. She has stated earlier that his knowledge of her whereabouts would ruin her new life.

Honestly, I don't think you've heard a word any of us have written since you first got here.

This kind of threat is inappropriate and abusive.

You are getting there. Day by day, keep focusing on those set boundaries. And don't eve feel like a sucker for being a 'nice guy'--it's too bad she doesn't have the worth to appreciate it, but that is on her, not on you.

Send it to her, but only after you receive it so you will not be out the 100 if there is a glitch. Also send a very short email stating exactly that. There are better things ahead for you.

The deductions would be fair but too costly. All they will do besides putting maybe $20.00 or $50.00 in your pocket is to give her a reason to contact you again to complain or ask for verification or whatever. If your goal is to have NC with her, don't bait her into trying to contact you. Its just not worth the trouble. Even though you know her leeching family will just waste the "extra" money.

You have the advantage of geographical separation. Take full advantage of it. Change your email address, get a new phone number. She's not likely to show up on your doorstep, is she?

Don't contact her exH or whatever he is. Again, your goal is NC. Don't poke the bear, as people here say.

You are very correct "Red Sock Nation".

I am sorry if I seem to have dis-respected any wisdom I have been lucky enough to have gotten from the members of "SI".

I am just wanting the opportunity for some peace from all of this with her. I am still venting at this time and know now how inappropriate I sounded in my post above. Her husband abused her all through their over thirty year marriage - and that was what I had tried to rescue her from. I truly have no desire to become a replacement for him in that regards.

I have an extreme hatred for abusers of all types - especially wife abusers. I would not want to become that which I hate so much.

In regards to contacting her and what I would say about her leaving me alone - I want to say as few words as possible without any emotion. I do not want to add anymore fuel to the fire.

It is unfortunate the refund issue has come up - I thought I would be left alone from all the drama now. I do not want to add to it any more.

_ BlackHorse.

I'm a bit confused. You speak of her "estranged" husband. Is she still married to him?

She is currently still married to her estranged husband.

Her and I were living in a "common-law marriage" - what is known in some legal circles as "the act of the couple representing themselves to others as being married acts as the evidence that they are married" - in a sense a "domestic partnership".

Prior to her leaving her husband - they lived in "Florida" She did the paperwork and paid the fees for a divorce which her husband agreed to - if she did the work of the computer filing - and she pay for the costs. The on-line paperwork was to be overseen by an attorney.

When it was all completed minus his signature - he refused to sign. He only used the situation to waste her time and her money - and abuse her more.

During our time together - she still wanted a divorce from him so we could get married - but she no longer had the funds to pay for it.

Her estranged husband has no money either. He said he has filed for a divorce recently as she requested yet again. The filing is suppose to be with legal aid now.

I was never involved in the divorce subject other than what she told me - and recently what she told me after "D-Day".