This Topic is Archived
SparrowSoul ( member #44223) posted at 3:41 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2014
Call me ignorant or over-optimistic if you'd like, but...
How long ago was DD? - About 1.5 months ago.
How happy are you? - I fluctuate between about a 5 and a 7, I think. There are good moments and bad moments, but overall, I think we're on the right track.
How secure do you feel? - In the relationship? Probably a 5. In myself? Definitely a 10.
Me: BGF, 29
Him: WBF, 35 (RMarred)
D-Day: 7/5/2014, seared into my memory like a brand.
"Dum spiro, spero." - "While I breathe, I hope."
The cure to all of life's problems is salt water; Sweat, tears, or the Sea.
struggling16 ( member #33202) posted at 3:49 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2014
DD-3years 7 months
Happy? I focus more on contentment. It varies widely. Today a 5. Most days 7.
Secure? 5 He refuses to seek counseling or take a lie detector test so I am realistic about chances of an A recurring.
hopingforhappy ( member #29288) posted at 3:50 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2014
How long ago was D day? Over 4 years
How happy are you? 8 or 9--I agree that there is always more room for happy and we are actively working on that now, as opposed to just drifting along, like we were pre-A.
How secure do you feel? 9.5, as I agree that I will never be a 10 again, but I also know now that if another A ever happened, I would be ok, I would survive and thrive on my own. That gives me a sense of my own security that I did not have before. So really, 9.5 in the M, a 10 in myself (as SparrowSoul so wisely put it).
Me--BW (57)
Him--FWH (54)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 21 years
DS-19, DD-16
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!
Hatemyhusband (original poster member #41633) posted at 4:22 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2014
Wow. Here's how I answered:
Dd- 9 months ago
Happy. 5
Secure. 3
H was upset w the 3. He gave both an 8. I told him in front of MC that I'm extremely affected by betrayal. Growing up in a dual alcoholic home where I was never able to trust, and finally trusting one person for 24 years only to be betrayed, my security is going to b hard to build back.
I don't think he can so anything to make me more secure at this point, it's just a time factor. Time to see how he handled situations, etc
struggling3 ( member #34671) posted at 5:15 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2014
DD: 3 years ago
Happy: 8-9 most of the time...was a solid 10 before
Secure: 8-9 with the marriage 10 with myself...also was a solid 10 before
I guess looking at these numbers I should be grateful that it has progressed to these numbers. I have had an extremely remorseful H helping us to heal. Right after DD it was 3-5 in both areas....ahhhh TIME...it really does help 
Me - BS 58
H - WS 60/very remorseful and supportive
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic
lilacs40 ( member #31314) posted at 12:11 AM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014
DDay 1 3 years 4 months
DDay 2 6 months
Happiness I would rate a 5. Although honestly WH doesn't do much to contribute to that even though he tries in little ways.
Secure 2 he just doesn't get it and wishes I would move forward. With his defensiveness and trying to rug sweep I don't think I'll ever be higher than a 7.
deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 12:19 AM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014
How long ago was Dday?
8.5 months ago (though it happened 2.5 years ago)
Happiness?
Not really happy with him; too many reminders so maybe a 1-2, but immensely happy with my new choices to be me
Secure?
He's the one that shouldn't feel secure in this relationship because I am 100 percent secure with myself
Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.
SoVerySadNow ( member #36711) posted at 1:58 AM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014
Dday was almost 3 years ago.
How happy am I? About 3 most days, sometimes it reaches a 5 but that's very rare.
How secure do I feel? 1-2.
Yeah, this sucks.
Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.
Scubachick ( member #39906) posted at 2:28 AM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014
DD day about 14 months ago
Happy: 5 or 6
Secure: 3
Doubts ( member #40209) posted at 12:34 PM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014
D day 15 months ago
Happiness 4 before 7 or 8
Security 4 before 10. Before our lives were intertwined for over 30 years. I got a new job out of our business and looking at buying a house just in case. I know I can only depend on me.
[This message edited by Doubts at 6:36 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]
NoMorDeceit ( member #23547) posted at 4:44 AM on Saturday, August 16th, 2014
D-Day: 5.5 years ago
Happy? 9.9-10
Secure? 9.5
FBS
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled for 8 years. Decided I deserved better than someone who had ever cheated on me. R failed 2/2017. Happy and free. :)
ItsaClimb ( member #37107) posted at 2:37 PM on Saturday, August 16th, 2014
How long ago was DD? - It will be 2 years on Monday
How happy are you? - Hard to say....happiness as far as me, my daughters, my grand-daughter go would be a 9, happiness with my husband - probably a 2 or 3
How secure do you feel? 1 - security is my biggest issue right now. I don't know how I will ever feel secure again with a man who, after 19 years together, 2 children, so much history, threw me and the family under the bus for OW. I can't imagine EVER feeling secure and that kills me.
BS 52
Together 35 yrs, M 31 years
2 daughters 30yo(married with 2 children) & 25yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later
SadieMae ( member #42986) posted at 1:09 AM on Sunday, August 17th, 2014
D-day: 5 months ago.
Happy: 6 (before would have been 8)
Security: 10 in myself, 4 in relationship. (before would have been 8 in myself, 10 in relationship)
Me: BW D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020
Yay! A new D-Day on 11/8/2023 WTAF
stunnedmullet ( member #42975) posted at 1:28 AM on Sunday, August 17th, 2014
DDay: 4.5 months ago
Happiness: swings between a 1-3 most days
Secure: marriage 6 myself: 1
DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)
BS (me) 45
WH 43
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
married 22 and 7 kids
Attempted reconciliation for 18 months until he walked out without warning
redsox13 ( member #43391) posted at 1:32 AM on Sunday, August 17th, 2014
D-day 5 years ago
Happy: 5
Secure: 6
Believe it or not, we are just now really making progress.
BS - 45
fWW - 43
Simply getting better.
ThrownAwayTwice ( member #43226) posted at 1:32 AM on Sunday, August 17th, 2014
DDay - 7 months ago
How happy am I? Compared to 7 months ago? Or just in general? As far as my life goes, I would have to say about 6, but it varies.
How secure am I? 4. This varies day to day as well.
BW early 30's
Separated March 2014
Kintsukuroi: the art of repairing broken pottery with gold and silver laquer, and understanding that it is more beautiful for having been broken
morethantrying ( member #40547) posted at 2:39 AM on Sunday, August 17th, 2014
D Day: - 18 months ago
Happy: lots of realizations here....it is up to me: NOT he or anyone else is there to MAKE ME HAPPY. I am happy and hopeful for the future (10). However, I still feel daily (severity is diminishing) sadness and pain (2)....BUT knowing his true remorse, love and support helps me everyday... as does other people in my life whom I really care about. I am in much much better shape than the many prior months. We laugh, love, fight (normally), and consciously work on our marriage and occasionally, (less now) discuss triggers, feelings about the affairs...we rarely discuss the women...I don't care shit about them and neither does he...but we do discuss the ramifications and struggles of the feelings that lead to the As and the aftermath and fall out of the As (good and bad) on our marriage.
Security: nothing in life is 100%. Humans by their very nature are imperfect. I feel secure recognizing that we are all imperfect and that I cannot expect 100% security of anything in life but GOD. That being said I believe that he is 100% committed to me and our marriage and will do his very very best to be true to that commitment. (I sort of walked my way around that one didn"t I!) So yes, I would love to say 100% and I do THINK this but my HEART is still at this point very tender and sore...
Perhaps in more time I will again have head and heart aligned with a combination of acceptance for the human condition and hope and belief in human ability to truly understand and change for the better.
[This message edited by morethantrying at 8:46 PM, August 16th (Saturday)]
Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 57
Him: WS 64
Married 34 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...
saturnpatrick ( member #35989) posted at 5:46 AM on Sunday, August 17th, 2014
I'll break it down even further...
DDay -- just over 2 years ago.
Before A answers:
Happiness: 3
Secureness: 10
Before the A our M was a mess but I thought it was temporary and we would work through it and things would improve. I never ever thought she would cheat on me.
Just after DDay:
Happiness: 0
Secureness: 0
Our M was on life support. At times I was sure she was going to leave and it was all a show. At times I was sure I was going to leave. Terrible time in my life.
6 months out:
Happiness: 0-8
Secureness: 0-5
F'in roller coaster.
12 months out:
Happiness: 4
Secureness: 2
Our M was actually better one year out but still not great. I was plagued by a low simmering and ever present anger. Would often check up on WW. Beginning to trust here but not very much.
18 months out:
Happiness: 5
Secureness: 3
Getting a little better. Around this time OM got his ass fired from WW's work (or maybe that was at 12 months?). Had nothing to do with us. He just had a habit of showing up late or not at all. This was a major relief for me.
24 months out:
Happiness: 7
Secureness: 6
More open communication and OM completely out of our lives. Sometimes I still worry, but it is usually because I'm reliving the past. She's worked her ass off to make me feel secure and it is helping. I don't think I'll ever have the blind trust I had before the A though.
5454real ( member #37455) posted at 5:56 AM on Sunday, August 17th, 2014
How long ago was DD?
About 2.5 years
How happy are you?
Most days, about 6-7, normal in other words.
How secure do you feel?
About an 8, 10 will probably never occur, my goal is 9. I no longer believe in blind trust though. Now that I know she's capable....
BH 58, WW 49
DS 31(Mine),SD 29,SS 28(Hers),DS 16 Ours, DGS 11, DGD 8, DGS 3
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
"I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone."
― Sophocle
krsplat ( member #43242) posted at 8:19 PM on Sunday, August 17th, 2014
DDay: 5 months ago
Happy: 3
Secure: in general, 7. I'm going to recover and be OK no matter what happens to my M. In the relationship, 2. I will never really trust WH again.
[This message edited by krsplat at 2:20 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]
Me & WH: 50+, married 23 years, 4 kids, now D
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Conclusion: Some things are just too broken to be fixed.
This Topic is Archived
