SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mate,

My nephew was bipolar. Tried to commit suicide 6 times. He was successful last June. I read part of this poem at his eulogy:

http://www.linda-ellis.com/the-dash-the-dash-poem-by-linda-ellis-.html/

Give it a read. Only takes a minute.

I get it. You are in pain and you want that pain to go away. You've been shouldering the burden and guilt of all your problems alone and it feels like too much. You're already doing the right thing by telling us how you feel, what you did wrong. That's why hotlines work. Once you tell someone else your pain it lessens what you have to carry. Try it

I know you are hurting. I have been there. There were days that I just wanted to drive my car off a bridge, or just do something to make the pain and destruction I caused go away.

I figured if I could end it that my BS would be spared.

But I realized that suicide is the most selfish of acts. Not only will my BS still have the pain and memories of what I had done, on top of that she will have the pain and memories that I chose to end my life.

Then you will have given her the guilt trip of her life, along with your kids of maybe there was something they could have done different that would have made you not do it.

Take a deep breath, and just live your life "One Day at A Time." For me sometimes it is a minute at a time and a second at a time.

Nothing could hurt your kids and wife more than you ending your life. You would be taking your pain and putting it on them for the rest of their lives. Don't put them through that.

Call the hotline. Get yourself some help. Please.

Brokendreams

Let me tell you what happens to the survivors. Here is part of my story.

I come from a broken home. Raised by my NPD mom. and spent most of my life discarded. The only constant I had in my life was an older brother that I would get to stay with on and off. when I was 16 and living in my own place. my brother came to stay with me. His WW was leaving him for the AP. And my Brother after repeated attempts of R with her. Finally ended his own life. Him and I drank a bunch of Long Island Iced Teas. Were very drunk. And decided it would be a great idea to play russian roulette. So there I sat with my brother who was also my best friend and a parent figure in my life. And watched as he pulled the trigger. And there it was. The person I cared most about in my whole world at 16, held my brother in my arms while he bled to death.

After that day. I became a severe alcoholic. And toyed with death. Not really caring about myself. Never counting the consequences. And it destroyed me for a long time. I have only recently, which is 20 years later) come to terms with the gravity of the situation. And the enormous pain he was in at the time. This event had helped me down my destructive path. Because when it is ok for your role-model to commit suicide then it is ok for you too. That is what your kids will hold on to. Over the years some of thoughts that I have had of my brother. I have gone from "this was his WW fault" to "my brother was weak" to it was too much pain for him" to "he is a coward" So when you consider this. think about those thoughts. think about your kids growing up thinking you are weak and a coward. Is that the legacy you want to leave them with?

Now you will get through this. This is the moment that you have to take control of you. Something as a wayward you have up until this point been unable to do. Reach down deep for that character that you tell your BS you have. Time to show her. If she want to D, be ok with it. Lots of people R after D. Do not give up. Time to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, climb back on the horse, And show that you are the man that you say you are. If not then you are still holding onto the wayward thoughts.

Be strong for you, for your kids, and for your BS.

so I've just spent the last 2 hours on the phone with my cousinI guess she knows meon a much deeper level than I ever did know you see we are both adopted all the kids in our family were adoptedI had a very long drawn out heartbroken crying my eyes out talk with her and to let this emotion out has helped someI must think all of you fromthe bottom of my heart the care you show me not even knowing who I am helps to let me get some of this pain out I have no other place to goI can't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks any moreafter talking with my cousin it is helpingI have marriage counseling today and I am going to go head for my soul how to the counselorI promise I will keep you updated after the appointment sorry the text to speech on my dumb phone doesn't work wellif anyone would care to please pray

((brokendreams01))

Don't do it. This is a dark season in your life, but no matter what, you must believe that inherently life is still beautiful.

I'm really glad to hear that Brokendreams.

Thank you for posting, brokendreams. It's a relief to see you again. We will be watching for you to check in again and update on how the counseling session went.

Keep breathing. Keep walking. You can do this.

Stay strong, brokendreams! I've been where you are and I can't tell you how awesome it feels to be on the other side of that!

Dr.Jekyll, thank you for sharing what must be a heartbreaking story for you to type.

Tred, that must be terrible for you, but thanks for posting about it to help others.

We'll be looking for your update, brokendreams! You can do this!! You can live through this! Many of here are living proof of that!

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 2:51 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]

Thank you for the update. Please, still call the hotline. They can get you some great referrals.

Praying for you.

Your update made my day! It was very brave of you to reach out to your cousin, she sounds wonderful. Your body will feel better after the hard cry. Try to sleep. I will say a prayer for you. Please keep us updated!

Tred, DrJekyll - I'm so sorry for both of your losses

You're in my thoughts and prayers

So i have an update for everyone.

My wife and I went to see the counseler.

As the meeting progressed she came out and said "you can be in love with someone but can't live with them you don't have to be married"

to this I replied if you love someone and are in love with them why would you not want to try and stay married.

she said I can't stay married there is too much hurt and 14 years I feel like it's only been a lie and I can't do it anymore.

She said she as of last night she mostly wants a divorce. And what would I do if she filed.

I told her I would always love her and fight for our marriage.

The rest of the session only went downhill from there.

On the way home I asked her and she called an attorney today. In her mind she has already checked out. The counseler said by her doing that it sends the signal that it's already over even ththough she says she is willing to work on it.

I see it as a self defeated half hearted attempt given up on us before we start.

This is how I see things.

but there might be a sliver of hope

she committed to going next week

and said she would read "save the marriage even if only you want to" Lee Bauman phd

Brokendreams...I'm a BW, a betrayed wife. Believe me, I had/have every reason in the world to end my marriage. I haven't. My FWH has completely changed and is doing everything he can to make amends.

There is always hope!

But even if your marriage cannot survive, your coparenting will. Those children need you! My boys love and adore their dad, forgive his past mistakes, and have an amazing, adult friendship and relationship with him and with each other. I wouldn't have it any other way. They know what he did and how he is trying to fix things. That isn't a bad thing for kids to see.

Reach out when you are feeling down. We have all been there.

Hi, brokendreams, thank you for the update...I am glad you are in a better place emotionally.

There is always hope even if your marriage doesn't survive. Be the best man you can be for your wife whether you stay together or not. Be the best dad you can for your children. Are you in individual counseling? I think it would be beneficial to you.

Take one day at a time. Continue to read here and keep posting. There is always someone here willing to listen and support you.

If you sink into that dark hole again, pick up the phone and call your cousin.

Are you a person of faith? You can call your local church and set up a meeting with the priest/pastor/rabbi and get some support there.

I'm so happy you're doing better! And very happy BS went to the appt!

Even though she says she can't do this and wants a D, the fact that she showed up and is still communicating with you is a good sign!

That line between love and hate is very fine, and after an A it can be nearly invisible and blurry even when it can be seen.

This is all so new and emotions are everywhere, changing by the minute. Please PLEASE don't let this minutes-or the next-emotion control you and prompt a hasty decision!

The advice your getting is great! Please try to listen! We're all rooting for you, BS and WS alike!

The counseler said by her doing that it sends the signal that it's already over even ththough she says she is willing to work on it.

I'd look for a new counselor. Seriously, a lot of BSs call and meet with attorneys, just to find out what the actual facts are regarding separation, divorce, etc. It doesn't mean there will be a divorce. It means your wife wanted some information.

Also, there are literally thousands of cases where a person has actually filed for D and it never happens. I find your counselor telling you that it's over based on one phone call your wife made very irresponsible.

Regarding your thoughts on giving up - that isn't the answer, and I'm so pleased you're here posting. You can't control what your wife does but you can control what YOU do. Right now, you can focus on you and your children, and yes, you can continue to try to work towards R.

One thing to keep in mind is that the emotions of a BS are all over the place. From rage to sadness to wanting it over to willing to work, all within 5 minutes.

Please allow your wife time to work through her emotions without deciding that what she says in the heat of the moment is the absolute truth. It may be painful to hear, but it's not always the end of the story.

I think your wife's willingness to continue MC says much more than her phone call to an attorney. It's so disappointing to read that your counselor basically told you 'well, that's it then. game over.' When I said I would look for a new counselor, I wasn't just speaking off the cuff. I find her comments irresponsible and uninformed. It sounds like she has very limited experience dealing with infidelity.

For what it's worth...

I sound exactly like your wife. I have recently asked my WH to leave after watching him sit on the fence for 5 months. I'm totally and completely happy with my decision. I am ready to move on...

BUT...if I saw remorse, effort, love, and true desire to fight for our marriage, I would totally try again! The thing is...it may not be my immediate response. I'm hurt and afraid of going through more pain. Keep working on healing yourself...she will come around. And guess what...if she doesn't, you will be in a better place. I don't think it matters what side of the infidelity you are on...we ALL have healing and personal growth to do.

And those boys...nothing will speak louder to them than seeing their parent overcome a struggle to become stronger for THEM. We all make mistakes. It's what we learn from them that really matters.

Hang in there! You are stronger than you think!