SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well in my h's case, he loved the flattery and the bi-weekly blow jobs he was getting from our neighbor. So NO, he wasn't about to stop his lust for her until he got caught. Then it was business as usual……run back to the so called crazed, bi-polar, lunatic, wife of his. Or so he kept telling himself and his slut ow to justify his actions that he knew were WRONG.

It makes it so much harder to forgive. My FWW was so caught up in it that even after being caught, she continued. It wasn't until I called him (OM) that he started to stop the A. Still lots of contact after that but it stopped when his wife found out. Then it REALLY hit the fan for everyone.

They are so far up in the fog that they forget reality and getting caught bursts that bubble.

I think it is human nature to try to get away with something as long as you can without getting caught.

Wouldn't it be more accurate to say that it is not human nature but an immoral nature that leads to WS mentality?

Most people, if they scratch another car while parking, will leave a note with their contact details. Most people, if they pick up extra groceries that they forgot to pay for, will go back to the store and pay. Most people will not try and get away with it since no one caught them.

Most people, if they scratch another car while parking, will leave a note with their contact details. Most people, if they pick up extra groceries that they forgot to pay for, will go back to the store and pay. Most people will not try and get away with it since no one caught them

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In a perfect world perhaps, but people do this all the time and get away with it and mostly because they are hurting a complete stranger so they don't care. Worst part of a betrayal is because of WHO it is. It's your spouse. The person you trust the most. So yeah, they will go on as long as they can without getting caught cause it's like a drug.

It's a double-edged sword. My WW knew it was wrong (of course she did, she hid everything for almost 2.5 years). She has a confrontation issue and once I cracked the phone records, the camel's back broke. I've made it very clear that while I will NEVER condone the manner in which we are making our marriage MUCH better (really), we both needed to hit bottom and, unfortunately, this is what it took. Looking back, it's unrealistic to think that one morning the WW is going to walk into the kitchen and say, "Honey, I want you to know I'm having an affair and that I'm very sorry." That's a pipe dream. Our worlds had to come crashing down for something to change. It's incredibly painful and tough, but, that's what it took.

For my husband it took HIS world crashing down to stop the A. Mine crashed the week before, but he took his A underground. Because it wasn't a big deal that i was so upset. He stopped the A only when I threw him out. Because he was being affected by it, directly. And truly, I'm not even sure he really did. I just haven't found the evidence to prove it otherwise.

They don't care about us, their spouse. Only themselves. Sad, sad, sad.

My WH dropped OW like hot coals once caught by me and OBS. He says he knew it should have ended earlier, but he needed ME end it/help him. I think the getting caught snaps them into reality, forcing them to leave their fantasy world.

My WS's didn't end until I was onto it....he was stupid enough to email her then fall asleep with his iPad right next to him. I have my own iPad, but left it downstairs so went to use his really quick and her reply popped up when I turned it on.

After a long night, he went to work the next morning and ended it. If I didn't catch him, would he have ended it himself? I don't think so. He claims he hated it because he knew it was wrong, but at the same time loved the excitement and attention. It was a 5-1/2 month EA with handholding and kissing, but definitely headed to a PA. Of course at first he claimed he wanted it to end, just didn't know how to end it and was hoping it would end on its own and he didn't want it to go further, that it scared him. Of course when his patience would run thin with my trying to deal with it, it came out that yes, it was heading to sex and would have been there soon.

Two months into it we went to Hawaii for his parents' anniversary and things were great. We had a great time together. It would have been a great time for him to come clean and communicate and go home to start anew, but nope, he went home right back to her (she worked with him) and dealt with her jealousy of him having gone on the trip.

It wouldn't have ended if I didn't catch him.... I can't tell you how much that still hurts.

Bottom line... It's all his selfishness! Plain and simple!

[This message edited by HurtinginSoCal at 11:48 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)]

Glad I'm not alone. My WS said it became normal for him to cheat too as someone mentions in a post. That the longer it went on the less he thought about it. Said the only time he felt really bad about cheating was the first time it happened but after that became normal.

He keeps saying that he had never done that in a relationship before it's totally out of character and not who he is. But I've told him it is who he is an who he became and it's up to him to prove he no longer is that person.

We will see over time so far 10 months on we are doing ok at times but still have my bad days

I did not catch my FWW. I tried in many ways but failed and she denied, denied, lied, lied. They were COW - she supervized him. No phone records. He had been caught by his wife who left him by cell phone records so my FWW told him not to call her. Communication only through office phones. Travelled together, his place only minutes from office - nooners, quickies. Became part of routine - stop for a quick one on way home to cuckhold husband (me).

Lasted over 3 years. Lots of NSA sex. She ended it by slowly withdrawing and then she moved to a new office 2 hours away (although she was back at head office frequently for supervisor meetings). That was sometime after 3.5 years but I have no end date just that she swears there was nothing after she moved offices. She didn't end it because of guilt, remorse, conscience, epiphany or anything. She ended it because she got bored with him. He started to annoy her because he is a whiner and all of his failures are someone else's fault.

She never voluntarily confessed. She denied, gaslighted, lied, minimized, etc, etc until I finally backed her into a corner. Seven years after PA was over even though they had contact through work right up to DDay 1.

So my FWW did not stop the adultery because she was caught. I accused, confronted, played amateur detective, followed but never caught her, talked to his estranged wife. I did everything wrong. I wish I had found SI back in 2003. She, apparently, must have felt I was incompetent and she would get away with it forever. And that was her intent.

With my WH, he ended all but his last A without being caught. Even so, it took finally being caught to stop his repeated cheating. It took no longer being able to kid himself into believing that he would never get caught and that I would never divorce him for him to want to change his selfishness.

WH ended his A with COW#1 because after three years and an OC, his relationship with her became work. The thrill of the newness had worn off. COW#1 became more and more demanding as her patience about his empty promises to leave me wore thin. For months prior to the end, WH said that he wanted to end it, but COW#1 repeatedly threatened him with revealing OC and the A to me. When the opportunity came up to move back to our home state, WH convinced COW#1 that he was going to finally leave me by staying behind with her so that he needed his space to end things with me. In actuality, he couldn't pack our things fast enough and abandoned COW#1 and OC without any warning or forwarding address. WH used it as an opportunity to make a clean break and has never looked back.

WH ended his A with COW#2 when her BH found out about them. WH told COW#2 that he couldn't risk her BH telling me about their A. They still talked and flirted at work, but it didn't completely stop until COW#2 got fired for other reasons.

WH's ended his A with my sister in May of 2011 while we were over at her house for a cookout to celebrate my son and nephew graduating from high school. When I went outside to carry food to her BH to cook on the grill, my sister suggested they take advantage of the moment. WH told her that he couldn't do "it" anymore. She took it to mean that he didn't want to risk it at the moment. In reality, WH had just watched my sister and one of her friends snort drugs up their nose and became completely disgusted with her since she just got out of rehab for the umpteenth time.

For a few months after that, my sister became a stalker while WH completely avoided her, driving by my house dozens of times a day. The only time she would stop was when WH drove my vehicle that day and his was the only one in the driveway. One day, she came over while I was actually gone. WH told her that she had to leave. She took it as though I was going to be home any minute so she left. She went over to our Mom's house next door and stood out in the yard waiting for WH to go talk to her over the fence. WH didn't. He went inside the house and stayed there until she left. He told me that she did this a few more times after that and that each time, he went in the house or stayed in the house to avoid her. He said that one day while he was out working in the yard, she began screaming at him from my Mom's driveway for him to talk to her. He said he put up his hand and shook his head no. He said she lost it, cursing him and yelling that she was going to tell me everything and that she was going to kill herself if he didn't talk to her.

A week later, she stood in my living room telling me to divorce my husband because he was cheating on me, but she "couldn't" tell me who he was cheating with, how she knew, or anything else. I was just suppose to take her word for it without any real information and simply do what she told me to do. The next day when I didn't kick WH out, her BH checked her back into the psych hospital because she threatened to kill herself because she didn't get her way. WH went to great lengths to end his A with my sister even though he was quite confident that I would never find out and ending it with her created a huge risk that she would tell me.

It was only when I confronted WH about my suspicions and told him that I was going to divorce him if he didn't come clean with me that WH was backed into a corner about his cheating selfishness. It took him knowing that he couldn't get away with it anymore for him to decide if his desire to mess around was worth what he was going to lose. Until then, he was a cake eater whose cheating carried no direct cost to him and his selfish way of life. WH told me that me confronting him forced him to take a look in the mirror and ask himself if this was the kind of man, husband, and father that he wanted to be. He said that he hated the selfish ego maniac that he had been. Up until he was forced to face himself, he was just happy to do whatever made him feel good at any given moment without any consideration for his future, our future, or the future of our kids.

It is frustrating that it took me wanting a divorce for him to pull his head out of his butt. It took me a long time to reach the point where I was ready to throw in the towel. Now WH is pulling out all of the stops to try to make R work. I can't help but wonder if it is too little, too late.

My partner also cheated when he had a break in between jobs, he drives a van and would drive by her house go in do it and go. He never spent a night with her was always happening when he was supposed to be at work. Even the messages so harder to get caught.

When I did catch him he was drunk one night and I seen him type in his pass code for his phone so I used that opportunity to check his phone. And there I found texts and emails. Mind you I was always suspicious of this ex of his but always got made to feel like I was imagining things. Saying is right trust your instincts

I guess it is the way the original post is worded that makes this such a negative topic. But, I'll bite.

My H didn't get caught - but thought he was (on flimsy evidence that he had) His A was 2 months, and the last weeks he was very paranoid and feeling like the gig was up. I am not sure why - I was clueless. So, he confessed, thinking he was caught.

Before that, the affair felt like a trap to him. He had slippery sloped down into a PA and thought the feelings of infatuation were love. The ego kibbles were amazing, but for some reason he kept feeling worse and worse instead of better. So, even though he started feeling like a ghost in his own life, he was afraid to give it up -- especially not knowing what the fallout would be.

I guess the issue I have with a lot of the posters is that they imagine that an affair is just this big amusement park ride that waywards go on. That is is blissful and happy, and self-indulgent. Well - it is self-centered, but most waywards don't look back on an affair and think of it as a good time.

But, I think the short answer is, that once in the fantasy bubble, it is hard to motivate yourself to leave because the fallout stinks. (And, you get to face what a real jerk you were, and not a star-crossed lover.)

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:22 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)]

My WH did not confess his A, but spilled everything once I found out.

He did tell me that he had broken things off with MOW once, for 6-9 months (he can't remember exactly), because he felt she was becoming too demanding, but missed her attentions so invited her back. He suggested one other time that "this was wrong" but she was able to convince him that they could indulge themselves without "anyone ever finding out, or ever getting hurt".

Well, with that promise and reassurance who wouldn't go for it right?

I am convinced that the affair would have continued until it was either discovered by an employee, partner or her BS if I hadn't become suspicious and gone sleuthing.

Or, of course, unless she had ended it. He did not have the courage or the principles to change things. The A had become a regular pattern in his life.

But, I think the short answer is, that once in the fantasy bubble, it is hard to motivate yourself to leave because the fallout stinks. (And, you get to face what a real jerk you were, and not a star-crossed lover.)

He was also afraid of any conflict at the office. He told me that he was "wary of her", but again, couldn't remember why.

If he had any motivations to end the A they were all self-centred. He never once considered me, our kids, his business or even her family.

He would have probably squandered another 15 years of my life.

“When would he realize that it wasn't his infidelity I couldn't bear, but his cowardice?”

― Tatiana de Rosnay, Sarah's Key

The delusion of the affair becomes their reality right up until the moment that the get busted and then the delusion completely vanishes. The minute that relationship got dragged into the light it was obvious what it was: kind of sleazy and very pathetic. Why can't they see that when it's going on? Because they are only seeing it from their narcissistic points of view and until they see it for what it is through the eyes of the people that they DO actually love, they kid themselves.

The WS is having fun during the affair and there are no consequences. When the affair is brought to light it is a little less fun because now they are stressed. When they realize the BS may leave and they now have to split assets...then things become real.

It is not until consequences hit them hard that they are knocked out of their fantasy.

Maz my WH was the same in some ways. It was almost normal and apart of his life. all APs were the same people he cheated on his ex with. It just continued onto our relationship.

I know exactly how you feel. My H ONLY ended his 6-year A because I found out. Yes, he threw her under the bus, has shown complete remorse, and is so sorry, but even he admits he would have never ended it if I didn't find out. He would have strung her along for decades!

With that said, he is now - 8 months later - so happy to be free from her and from what he was doing. It was a fantasy world that had run amuck. And we are happy, happy, happy as a couple for the first time in years. He has become, once again, the man I fell in love with.

Hang in there!!

Maz my WH was the same in some ways. It was almost normal and apart of his life. all APs were the same people he cheated on his ex with. It just continued onto our relationship.

DMS88The WS is having fun during the affair and there are no consequences. When the affair is brought to light it is a little less fun because now they are stressed. When they realize the BS may leave and they now have to split assets...then things become real. It is not until consequences hit them hard that they are knocked out of their fantasy.

We're at the stage now where my WW is seeing and feeling the consequences of the choices she's made for the past 2+ years. I'm committed to R, but I've told her in no uncertain terms, no more do-overs. Plus, I've said that I don't feel sorry for the pain she caused for herself. Have to be honest. While I may have been an inattentive husband, she chose to leave the marriage and have a boy toy.

[This message edited by qualla at 2:42 PM, October 15th (Wednesday)]