SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am right there with you BtraydWife, I tried to nice him back too.

If I could go back, I would kick him out, and file for Divorce, and let them be together. I am so much nicer, sweeter, prettier, and kinder than the OW, but I never let my WH figure that out because he only knew her "nice" side.

I have been through 14 years of torturous hell. Feeling like it is my fault for not being good enough of a wife, and because I didn't divorce him over such a big thing, he thinks he can treat me however he wants now.

If I would've divorced him on Dday, I would be happy by now.

Choice number 1 - would have never met him.

Choice number 2 - dday night I wish I would have never let him see me cry and scream. I wish I had driven down to her house and confronted her calmly and informed her BS. I wish I had gotten a lawyer immediately. I wish I had understood the 180 and known about SI. I wish I hadn't hoped he would come home. I wish I had gone completely NC. I wish...

+1 for what mhca said.

I wouldn't have revealed myself so early. I intercepted an email from her to him when he accidentally left his work email open on our home computer. She was pleading to get back together with him. Of course I replied something like she could have his cheaty son of a bitch ass.

Too hasty!

In hindsight I would have loved to see his response, to have looked at the history of their correspondence.

I wouldn't have stressed about contacting her BS.

I would never have been so trusting in the first place.

I would have filed for divorce in that first year of marriage. I wish I had. He was already abusing me, he was already cheating on me. I wish I'd just accepted my reality and divorced him then.

TICKED OFF, we're ten years out this August and I have so often thought about this!!!

In my heart I knew adultery was a deal-breaker from the start and I am very sad that I wasted the past decade of my life R'ing with him, because it has never been the same.

One of my greatest regrets is that I got married to him. But, because I did, give me that time machine and I would have...

~confronted him AND MOwhore instead of just him.

~Talked to her BH early on.

~Hired the PI I talked to and gotten concrete proof.

~Told his family and mine what was REALLY going on (instead of them thinking I had gone off the deep end).

~Divorced him for adultery immediately, never looked back, and taken the children and had a wonderful life without him in it.

(((Hugs))) to everyone in the same boat.

I would have had a backbone the minute I suspected the A and not waited for 6more months before finally outing him.

And I would have tossed his stuff out on the front lawn on dday #1 instead of wishing and hoping and trying to save the sham of a marriage for the next 3 months.

* I would've stopped dating him two months in when his recent ex-girlfriend blew up his phone day and night for a torturous 6 months.

* I would've stopped dating him immediately after intercepting many red flag texts to various women.

* I would've broken up immediately after intercepting and email from a woman he was clearly having a relationship with.

* I wish I had been stronger And loved myself to know I deserved so much better.

((Hugs)) everyone

If I knew originally that Online A with my friend was full PA, I think I would have kicked him out and filed for D. He would have bent over backwards to R and I would still be with him.

Instead I got 1 1/2 years of False R with him still contacting her behind my back, acting like a complete shit only to then find out that online had actually been PA back when it all started. So I'm GLAD I didn't know originally and File because I would likely still be with Spock. I still have days where I hurt but overall (and the more distance I have), I realize how much more I needed. We both were so focused on how much I loved him, that I didn't get much back in terms of affection, communication, admiration etc.

So the only two things I WOULD change would be that I wish I could go back an not doubt my 'women's intuition'. I also wish that at the first sign of a lie or even small betrayal that I had l had chipped him like a dog and installed a VAR up his ass to get the truth I deserved.

I slowly integrated various surveillance options (keylogger etc) and discovered enough, but I will never have the full picture of everything that was going on at that time, all of the historical communications etc. It's like missing a part of my own memories because it impacted me so much. And that bugs the hell out of me.

Plan A: Should not have got married

Plan B: Should have thrown him out the night he confessed, sat back and watched their "relationship" implode, once their affair exited fantasyland and entered the real world of everyday life.

I would have let him pack his bags and actually bought him a tkt to make sure he did go straight back to his whore so they could fulfill their plans to live together... and right about now he'd be suffering the fact of what she is, his family would have disowned him, his affair would have screwed his life in so many karmic justice ways...and I wouldn't have had to put up with his half-hearted "Working on myself" baloney for 9 months. Crikey, in that time I could have birthed a whole new me!

I wish I would have understood the red flags when we were dating. I was young and inexperienced (17), but the same things I questioned then are the things that have made my life hell for twenty years. I almost cancelled the wedding a few weeks out. The only reason I did not was because I had had sex with him, and my religious mind said I had to marry him.

I would have D'd asap immediately as I was advised by a reverand. He was right: with his alcoholism and infidelity (we are up to 2, 3 if you cant miss chocha photo from CR...and who knows how many more females there are).

Now I cant get rid of him. He insists on buying a house and live his status quo.

I wish I was less trusting. He had always been an honest person so I thought I had a full confession. 2 years of my gut screaming during our R...I finally asked for a poly and found out his ONS was actually a several month EA/3 week PA.

I didn't pull the phone records for 10 months. By then the text data was gone and I could only see phone calls (the number of calls was explained away by FWH but it stayed with me and made my gut scream). I never tried to recover deleted texts. I should not have believed him and did a LOT more investigation in the beginning. I should have asked for a poly much earlier....

But I don't think it could have gone down any other way than it did. I was me(trusting) and he was him (conflict avoiding liar) on DDay. We were operating with the skills we had THEN not the skills we have NOW.

[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 5:57 AM, February 5th (Thursday)]

First dday- no regrets!

Second- should have filed and had HIM figure out how to get me back. And if he chose not to, so be it.

If I could only go back to dday? And knowing what I know now?

I'd not let him know until I'd dug up everything. Then I would have chucked him out.

If he'd decided to R, I would have demanded a timeline straight away, NC with that whole circle of 'friends', change jobs and him going into IC.

If he refused I'd have filed.

I would have moved right to D. Had no idea how much work it'd be, and how long it would take.

I would of left WAY earlier!!!!

Too-too many years of blameshifting and gaslighting (but I had no clue what it was pre-SI, just that it did not sit right in my gut).

I would have divorced fWW.

Since she left me and moved out of the state, I wouldn't have has to pay alimony, just CS. And since the kids were 15 & 10 at the time, it wouldn't have broken the bank.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 9:17 AM, February 5th (Thursday)]

Depends on how far back i could go.

If it were just to 2012, Dday#1 with OM#4, I would have waited to confront her so i could collect more hard evidence of Adultery. Then, i would have packed her bags, called her parents, sister, and OM's wife, and asked one of them to come get her.

Going back further to OM#1 (2007), I would have told her she can have her 'friendship' with him or be married to me, but i will not tolerate being plan B.

But would i go back to 1992 so i could avoid the shit-sandwich altoghether? Well, sure, i guess. This has been a dreadful experience. I do wish i had married a more healthy person, and had a healthy marriage.

But it is through this pain, i have become the person i am today. Sure, it has been a total suckfest socially, emotionally and financially, but i feel like i've grown more in the past two years than i had in the previous 44.