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Hurtnalone,

Man brother, the things you have started posting is just so dead on with my situation! As mentioned already the way she is acting is not unique!

Will add more to that, but before I do I must say that Happyman and Craig have hit it right on the head. Do not give her time. Ready what they posted and make sure you understand what they wrote. You more than likely wont though due to the pain, but listen! If you havent yet, get yourself a lawyer like yesterday brother.

Ok, so what you posted about her being the nice girl, all into church, all into family, all into both families, all about the kids wanting to be the great wife and great mother, Yeah man so was mine until the BOOM! I am in the exact same position brother, only difference is that im about 9 months ahead of you. I to have gotten closer again to my family and hers. Me and my father in law are very close now and her family also questions WTF happened and is wrong with her! She is just lost! Protect yourself brother. Some of the people giving you advice here are the same people that helped guide me through this storm brother, for your own good listen. It fucken hurts and its gonna be hard brother, but its for your own good.

Get yourself a lawyer and as you have been told already also, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Dates, times, voicemails, and if you can get pictures of them as well! You must protect yourself for you and your kids sake!

Again, eat sleep stay hydrated, rest and cry. Music and snacking on peanuts and things like that helped me brother. Vitamins as well. The more tired you get the worse, so try to not let yourself get beat down. You are now at war brother, its fucken sucks to say that and think that, but thats how you need to look at it. Whats under attack? You and your kids and your livelihood. The enemy? Your wife. Yeah, unbelievable but its currently your reality. Lawyer up and play hardball now. I cried as I typed up what I had documented and as I built my case against my WW brother. Protect yourself PERIOD!

One thing I must add, prepare for shit to get worse! You are just in the beginning stages of her Crazy! Start preparring now for it to get worse, mentally especially! Thats why you need a lawyer asap, because as the storm gets worse and your emotions start going everywhere, your lawyer will protect you. You have us now as well!

What I did, I went hardcore NC (no contact) and went completely dark on her before I found SI, and when I found SI I continued and have been since.

One thing I will also say is you have time. No need to feel rushed, you already have way to much going on, even if you get a lawyer and even if you file, you still will have time. You said 6 months even, Plenty of time to see how she reacts! But again prepare! Protect yourself brother.

Keep posting, we are here!

Hurt and alone- I assure you that people here know how you feel.I and I am sure others know what you are going through..It sucks. I wish that people could understand and eventually have a heart. I know that many care...my energy is towards others..I always look to others before myself.

I never thought it was a big deal..I always tried to be mellow and smile...everyone has their contrast..Human nature..Nice people will always be nice to those whom.

I have to say, I am literally blown away by the response here. I figured it would be days before I saw even a single reply. I have read everything and plan to keep going back on re-reading until it all sinks in. It is unbelievable to me how many people are in or have been through this situation.

So let me add a little more info. It's clear to me at this point that the overwhelming opinion is to lawyer up and file immediately, which echoes what most of my family and friends have been saying for a couple of weeks. I had been dragging my feet, holding onto whatever fantasy glimmer of hope that she might somehow comes to her senses, but I'm starting to believe it isn't going to happen. Thank you everyone for helping me to see it. What I want to know now is does anyone think that it's possible to do this in an amicable way, where we both agree on what we want, and avoid a lengthy, contested divorce? This is a no-fault divorce state so the infidelity will not be considered in court.

When I ran through several scenarios of child custody with my attorney, the numbers for child support and alimony came back somewhere between $800 and $1500 per month, depending on what percentage of custody I had each of the kids, with the most likely one landing around $1200. As of now, she has agreed to accept $900/month combined and is willing to opt out of Friend of the Court, which means I would simply cut her a check each month, no wage garnishment. If I can get her to actually sign off on that, does it make sense to at least continue to be somewhat friendly, at least until the papers are signed?

HA, sorry you joined the club. You found some great help here though. Good call on re-reading and letting it all sink in. It can take awhile sometimes! At least it has for me.

Can an amicable divorce happen. Well that would depend on both parties. Whether you feel she'll be reasonable or not. I know in my case, reasonable means getting walked over, no wait, run over by a truck! That doesn't mean it's the same for you. It is possible. For your sake I hope it is possible. Good luck man!

Come check out the 'Betrayed Menz' thread in the 'I can relate' forum. It's a shitty hand we've been dealt, getting into that thread helped me realize there are many guys dealing with the same shit as me. I found it a great support group, because well, you know, us guys don't share feelings and shit...

Stay strong.

[This message edited by LonelyLucas at 11:16 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

Brother, she abandoned the family. You need a lawyer NOW. Custody is by default, yours.

But see a lawyer ASAP. He or she will lay it out.

Sorry you've joined us.

HA, Can we ask for more info to better help. Does she work? Are you in the home with the kids? Do you currently have full custody? Again document everything and see what a lawyer says. From what you have said I would fight for full custody and no cs if you have the kids. I would fight the ss as well.

what im gonna post we can worry Bout later but just to give you some more insight. Im in a no fault state as well. I mentioned being prepared for the worst. Well brother, since dday I have dealt with the police 5 different times, once even sat on the curb with my kids crying wondering wtf was going on. ex ww called them every timE. I documented everything. I fought for full custody. To make a long story short, we got 50/50 custody and I dont have to pay spousal support. The kicker? She has to pay me child support. Now im continuing to pressure the ex and am like a storm over her, because I am now building up my case to go after my kids for full custody And she knows that. In other words im ruining her fantasy in lala land. Again this is just so you can prepare and be ready.

Start building up your case. You mention hope, thats ok to have that brother but at this time you need a lawyer. Let your lawyer take care of you while you ride the rollercoaster and even keep that hope. Let the lawyer be your pitbull and protect you. Its all about you and the kids, you and the kids..then slowly move forward. Eat sleep, rest, stay hydrated listen to music, scream, cry, keep posting here, excercise and do it again. We need to get you back on your feet and focused brother.

We been and are in your shoes, you are not alone in this anymore brother. We got you!

Stay strong

HA, we've seen it, more often than not, that when a Wayward tries to normalise the affair, ie;

See? My affair can't be so bad, and I cannot possibly be the bad person in all this, because we are still such good friends, and I can come and go, see the kids whenever, and my wife/husband is fine with it while I live with boy/girlfriend...

Once they get a good dose of reality, things can get pretty nasty, very quickly. Just be ready for them to play dirty once she doesn't get her way. Please heed EEJJ's advice and document, document, document, especially her abandoning the home and her children. Read his story too, it is a massive eyeopener.

Oh, and her boyfriend ringing you, WTF is that all about? What, do these fuckjobs think that you can be friendly? She gets to have an affair, he gets to screw your wife, and you can be best buddies and she can discuss her boyfriend with you over a cup of tea and a custard cream? Next time she tries that one, go Malcolm Tucker on her

That just shows how utterly broken the pair of them are!

[This message edited by MollyMoo at 3:26 AM, April 30th (Thursday)]

My advice is to play nice with her until you get her to sign off on a legally binding document that will protect you and your kids. Then, I would send her an e-mail (e-mails are good because they prove what was said by whom) her that you can't be friends with her and to communicate with you only with regards to the kids, and only via e-mail (unless it's an emergency, in which case you'll record the conversation with a VAR). Talk to your lawyer under which conditions will her agreement to the divorce terms be legally binding.

Also, I encourage you to read http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547220 and take steps to protect yourself and the kids. Most importantly, get your kids into counselling ASAP! Via school or some other way, it doesn't matter, just get them into counselling, they need professional support & help in dealing with this.

Furthermore, please, google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free and I think it might help you tremendously.

Best wishes

She tell's you about her bf

This is emotional abuse.

^^^^^

I'm so sorry you are here. I've been where you are, as so many here have. You must reach deep down inside yourself, past your emotions, and act firmly with logic. Your wife is gone and she is your enemy. She does not care about your suffering. The "why's" don't matter--or at least do not try to understand. It is futile. Remove yourself from her, for yourself and for your children. Please believe me when I say it can get worse, much worse. This is likely the worst experience of your life, but with steely resolve, you can and will survive it.

Keep posting and stay strong.

I don't agree that she is mentally ill. This isn't an illness she couldn't control or had no say over. Saying that she's mentally ill is excusing her from blame and accountability.

Mental illness can be cured. Shitty character and low morals....not so much.

Right now, as we all did, we consider that this person has 'become' this way. In time you will realise that there were certain minor behaviours that suggested she was not as kind and loving as your thought. You just couldn't see it because you trusted and loved.

"How could she do this?"

"As if our history meant nothing"

"We were best friends."

"We shared everything"

"We were happy."

I can see traits in my ex's character in how she treated and thought of others. She had a big opinion of herself in relation to other people. She didn't have many friends and was emotionally stunted. I realise that while I was on her good side things were nice for me. I'm now one of the 'others' and I see how she treats people she has no respect for. She has no empathy for anyone, not even her kids.

This is who she is.

Your WW wants to you agree with her position and she wants you to honor what she is doing.

Your kids will find out in time, she is trying to iron out the wrinkles and save face for time to come.

Her shame, she is trying to run from it.

Oh Hurtn... I am so so sorry.

First, you wife has abused you in the worst possible way.... I want you to repeat this mantra, you didn't CAUSE this, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. The problems are within your wife.. she's a flawed person. Disordered likely.

The fact that she wants you to be "friends" after this is common.. I think they want us to validate their choices so they can feel better about it. But we can't. My STBX thinks we can be "friends".. Uh, no. I am not his friend. I was.. I was his wife and BEST friend, but now, he's changed that dynamic. I really think these disordered people don't get it. They don't understand cause and effect and consequences for actions. If you look deep, she probably has deep FOO issues. Although most of the time the actions confuse family too.

But none of that is your problem. If I were you, I'd get myself to a lawyer asap... cover your legal bases, get your finances in order, and prepare for divorce. That doesn't mean you have to do it, but prepare. I think you have a good case for custody. Get yourself mentally prepared.

This relationship with biker dude is more than likely doomed. Relationships that start with lies very rarely work long term. They just don't. Jumping from one marriage to a relationship in a matter of days is an immature and ridiculous idea. Yes, he's an emotional train wreck, a broken person. Anyone who breaks up a marriage is a broken person.

This REALLY REALLY sucks because you are going to have to be the "sane" person in the situation. You are going to have to be strong for your kids, for your family, for yourself and I know how you feel because I am in the same boat.. you just want to crawl under a rock but you can't. Get yourself an IC.. asap... and maybe see a doctor for antidepressants. Eat, exercise, drink water. See friends, LEAN on people for support. Don't try to go it alone.

You are a good person, good father, and whatever the state of the relationship with your wife.. you did NOT deserve this. She's an immature child. Let her go. Walk into the life.. claim your future. Hugs.

I'm 47 and WW is 42. Married for 18 years but known each other for 23, about 1/2 my life. When we met, she was the sweetest, shyest thing and I never believed she was even capable of doing this to me. She's always been about family, both hers and my own, and I can't remember how many times she threatened me that she considered even internet porn a form of cheating on her. Man, how much she has changed.

So similar to my story, and as you see, so many stories.

It's like a switch flips in there. My STBX overnight started acting like I was the WORST person in the world. EVERYTHING in the marriage was my fault, my personality sucks, I suck as a wife, not enough sex, nothing I did was good enough. I found out about the woman a few weeks after BD.. he claims "friends only" but it's VERY suspicious when you look at the timing of the calls, and I can almost correspond his raging at me EXACTLY with when he talked to her. So there is no doubt it was an EA if not PA.. I'll never know because he still won't own it.

Now he wants to "find himself" and wants me to wait around for it.. baiting me into an endless pick me dance where I am supposed to act normal while he's bombing my life. All the time saying things like "let's be friends if we break up".. "maybe we can date"... "still go on vacation". OMFG.. he's delusional!!

They are delusional, and they are different people. This man in my house now is not the man I married. He's not the boy I loved and loved half my life, just like you.

But the good news is half your life is still left. You get to live the rest of your life with someone (someday) who loves you for WHO you are. It's so hard to let go of the person we've loved since we were KIDS.. but the thing is.. when half godesses go, godesses arrive! Hang in there.

As of now, she has agreed to accept $900/month combined and is willing to opt out of Friend of the Court, which means I would simply cut her a check each month, no wage garnishment. If I can get her to actually sign off on that, does it make sense to at least continue to be somewhat friendly, at least until the papers are signed?

with her mental state, I couldn't imagine letting her have any custody at all. She may get some, but you should fight for all custody.

Friendly- It is almost impossible. Ditch that idea. Sorry. So sorry you're in this crap sandwich.

I just wanted to thank everyone again for all the replies. It is so helpful to me right now to hear from others who have gone through this nightmare. I realized that I did not elaborate much on the first affair my WW had, the one with the mutual "friend". Probably because I barely had time to process it all before I was hit with the 2nd one.

This is a guy she had met while working part time as a bartender at a local place. He started as a patron and eventually got a job at the same place. I got to know him and thought he was a really nice guy, although a little quirky. He certainly wasn't very good looking and was so broke he rode a bicycle to work. He was also on the short side for a man, and had facial hair, 2 things which were supposedly total turnoffs for my WW, so I never suspected she would be remotely interested in someone like that.

My wife and this guy both lost their jobs at the same time, so he became unemployed with no income. Not long after, they were out with a group of friends at a bar drinking, and my WW asked him to drive home since she didn't feel safe. Well, the dude got pulled over and blew a 0.17 so off to jail for 30 days. During that time, she started visiting him several times/week, supposedly because she felt so guilty about asking him to drive. We even deposited a little money into his account for basics like soap, as he didn't have anyone else.

Once he got out, he started hanging around a lot at our house, and eventually picked up a part time job remodeling a house down the street. He came over to our place for meals, hung out as friends, even watched my kids a few times. My WW eventually started working with him on the house remodel, helping hang drywall, etc because supposedly he didn't have anyone and needed help. She was getting paid for it, and of course I never thought to question.

In the mean time, WW was gone 3-4 overnights every week, always supposedly out with friends and spending the night at a girlfriends house. I had met the girlfriend and for some reason, suspicion never crept into my head, although we had frequent arguments about the amount of time she was gone. In hindsight, I was so foolish and blind, but for some reason didn't see reality. Fast forward a few months to the eventual FB message from this dirt bag saying him and WW were having an affair for past 18 months and she had broke it off week prior, because he was yet again unemployed and refused to get a job. They had been practically living in the house they were supposed to be working on. She was basically taking care of him financially besides the house.

I feel so stupid now, looking back at it. And as I look back at the last couple of years, I am almost positive that there was a 3rd affair about 3 years ago with another mutual "friend", which she adamantly denied even after confronted at the time, and somehow convinced me otherwise. How do people turn into that kind of monster? I certainly wasn't a perfect husband and own my share of the problems, but I was never unfaithful a day in my life. Like others have said, she isn't the person I married.

you absolutely need to see a lawyer right now. You need to file for divorce and have exclusive use of the marital home, full custody of the children. Unless I am reading this wrong, she has no permanent address and no physical means of supporting the children. you need to get that done before she gets to a lawyer and ask you to move out of the house and you to pay support totake care of her and the OM,and oh, just by the way the children.

strength brother, you can do this.

[This message edited by 5454real at 2:06 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]

I have already spoken with one attorney, and am planning to see a 2nd one this week to get a different opinion. The 1st one said that getting out of spousal support in this state with that length of marriage would be near impossible, but I want to confirm. He also said that courts typically award 50% custody to each parent by default, unless you can prove someone is not a fit parent, and I don't have any proof yet, although I am logging the time she spends with kids.

We had a brief discussion about custody the other day and it must have scared her because I mentioned she was spending nowhere near 50% with the kids, and after she stormed out threatening me with her own attorney, she called back an hour later and wanted to start taking them 3 nights/week. So far, it has just been dinner and a couple of hours at the other place. She offered overnights, but only my youngest has stayed at all - the others are way too uncomfortable, and to be honest, there isn't anywhere near enough room for all the kids to stay there. Given the situation with my 2 special needs boys, I don't see them EVER sleeping over there, and I think she knows it too, so they will end up being 100% custody to me. The youngest will probably be split, and to be honest, I hate to even fight it because he needs her in his life. The weeks she went lights out nearly devastated him to the point of frequent breakdowns into tears, he missed her so badly.

I am keeping a very close eye on things and have my 18-year-old report back everything that goes on when he is over there. I know that my WW loves her kids, but I don't think she is prioritizing them over her fantasy relationship right now. No idea when or IF that will change, but I certainly want to avoid the nuclear option and have us going after each other in court if at all possible. Besides costing me thousands extra, I fear it would hurt my kids even worse. So confused on how to proceed.

Also wanted to thank everyone for the advice on minimizing contact. I was fooling myself that I could try and jump right into some sort of freakish friendship. I think I was trying so hard to do what I thought she wanted, thinking maybe it would make me look good or have her reconsider. I realize now that it's going to happen, at least not while the OM is in the picture. And to be honest, even if she does come running back for forgiveness, I would have to be a fool to let her back into my life right now. As everyone has said, she is either mentally ill, totally lacking in morals, or a combination of both. I would love to think that maybe we could actually be a healthy, cohesive family again someday, but that possibility is miles down the road. I would want to see her get individual counseling, we would have to see a marriage counselor together, and I would require she live separate for the next few months while we worked on it. MAYBE then, I could consider letting her back into my life. Or does everyone think that even that remote possibility is silly to consider?

And while I'm thinking about it, just curious from the poor souls who have been down this road before: what is the typical outcome of these affairs? Do they stay together, run from one failed relationship to another, or come running back home for forgiveness? I think I read that statistically, less than 10% of affair last more than a year. Just curious what I should expect in the next few months.

I would want to see her get individual counseling, we would have to see a marriage counselor together, and I would require she live separate for the next few months while we worked on it. MAYBE then, I could consider letting her back into my life. Or does everyone think that even that remote possibility is silly to consider?

What you are going through is not very common. It is rather unheard of for a wife and mother of 4 children to just leave her family and live with some OM because of an affair.

I really have never heard of a mother leaving her four kids like this. And then want to be friends or whatever.

Something is seriously wrong with her and this is serious.

Can it work out again, obviously not until your wife figures out that what she is doing is beyond wrong! And then figures out why it ever happened.

You need to do everything in your power to protect yourself and your wife.

Not to mention, what kind of OM is going to do this, take a wife and mother away from her family and kids without a second thought.

Something is damn odd about this.

Hurtnalone,

I'm a little late to the party, but let me offer some observations:

Your WW still wants to be friends. That's called cake eating. She wants her cake (you) and eat it (him) too. She's looking for ego kibbles to feed her ego. You and AP are supplying those - a double score! - vs just AP, or just you.

Your WW is a serial cheater. Unfortunately this usually means all hope is lost. Especially, when WW is actively engaging in and affair and refuses to end it. Since...

She moved in with another guy. That means she doesn't plan on coming back. Time to lawyer up. You also need to check with your lawyer about the laws of your jurisdiction - it may be that since she left that's abandonment. Some jurisdictions (MI) that means they loose claim to the marital property (house) and custody.

Custody. Do you really want your kid to live with some guy she just met? No. Again, lawyer up.

Bottom line - Your wife is gone. It's time to prepare to defend yourself and your kids.