SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mm just to chip in from experience in a very precious relationship where I stopped feeling attracted to my partner. I stopped enjoying sex with him, in fact could no longer bear it. It was drastic and after trying and trying together I decided it was irreversible. I still found him handsome and loved him, but felt almost repelled physically. This is different to your situation but I guess it could have qualified as a sexual dysfunction, or whatever. Point was, I no longer worked with him, for reasons I won't go into but which I now feel are quite logical, though I didn't articulate them well or in time.

But I didn't go and have an affair. I felt tempted to. No, better said, I got a very absurd, very strong crush on someone. But realised I'd destroy the person I loved, and also destroy any possibility of friendship and respect, destroy a part of my life and myself. So, not worth it, and impossible for me to go ahead and do. I did some bad things, like talking about it to people I shouldn't have, which probably humiliated him. And I let it go on for too long. But no affairs. We only ever spoke one sentence early on in the relationship about monogamy. That was enough. If you go into an affair, it is because you have it within you to betray like that. Sure AP might have had big muscles, but so what. Load of crap, her reasons.

I think it's a bit like remorse. Or at least I hope. It's black and white, the reasons will either convince you or not. And until they do, she needs to keep pushing. That is if you don't leave her first.

I felt surprised and despairing not just because of the lack of answers from my ex WS (who is not the partner I stopped having sex with, but the next one) but the lack of questioning his own behaviour and own "reasons". Like he just took so much of his wonky "thinking" as given. They need to question every single sentence they come up with. They need to purposefully undermine their own "truths" just as they undermined our reality and perceptions with their unreality and lies. How do you get someone to understand what shaky ground they stand on? They will resist. Some of the absolute, utter CRAP I have heard is SO insulting it's almost the hardest thing to forgive. The impotence and rage you feel is so hard to deal with.

I think the advice to 180 is best. That is, to rage and rant or cry because of the stupidity of the reasons will get you nowhere. Best take a calm approach and just not engage. It works better. It's action. I wish you luck and really hope you get some recognition soon, because it's so destructive when you don't.

[This message edited by Opinionsplease at 4:39 PM, August 9th (Sunday)]

The bottom line is that your wife has a serious mental problem. Maybe it started as a child or recently, but she has a serious mental problem and you have to realize this.

Her reasons are totally ridiculous and not even close to being valid in any sense of the word valid.

Her number 8 is a total contradiction of the other reasons.

She is also very cruel in her reasons, either she has no clue what she is saying and is just so mentally ill she cannot see what she is saying to you, or she is just damn cruel.

Please stop and think, a wife, a married woman has an affair because the OM gets an erection when they fool around....

Because he speaks two languages....

Because he has a bigger chest....

Well, that means she would have an affair with about 500 million other guys for those reasons alone on this planet.

She is nuts.

All driven by number 8 on the list. She has no respect for you. She feels she traded down.

This is never good.

whew...

most of what she had to say was some kind of criticism that you're not the world's #1 sex machine.

is she that much into pure bod, all the time? she is extremely shallow and sounds like some kind of SA or something.

you have to seriously consider if real progress is possible with this narcissist. and the worst part of it, she has YOU explaining how YOU'RE trying to meet "deficiencies" (you're not the #1 sex machine in the state).

listen, please consider an exit strategy. this woman is seriously broken. that may have been hidden at one time, i don't know, but it sure isn't now.

good luck.

Wow. Just wow. Making this post and reading the responses has been scary, humbling, and possibly, I hope, life changing.

One of the things I did when making this post was to intentionally not tell the "whole" story. Don't get me wrong, every word in my original post is true. But I didn't tell the good parts of the relationship with WW. I didn't tell about her deep and genuine commitment to R. I didn't tell about all the work she is doing. I didn't tell about how desperately she wants a relationship with me. I didn't tell about how she has prostrated herself to me begging to know what she can do to make things right. I didn't tell how she has tried and 95% succeeded to meet my requirements for R (full NC, full transparency, IC/MC, journaling, etc.). I didn't tell how our intimacy has been transformed and we are both having deeply satisfying sex.

To be honest, my original intentions for taking this one-sided story approach weren't exactly noble. I was pissed off and wanted to rant a bit. But I now realize I inadvertently stumbled on something. By telling the most vile parts of my story I drew out painful truths about my wife (and me--more on that later) that I never would have discovered if I had taken a measured approach. I discovered that my wife has a huge blind spot regarding her personal failings. I discovered FOO issues that created this blind spot. I discovered that she has profoundly dis-ordered thinking and stunted emotional growth regarding appearance and how attraction works. Most importantly, I discovered that her ability to destroy our relationship by cheating again or some other damaging entitled behavior is much much higher than I thought. I would NEVER have discovered and realized these things if I had posted a "things are OK--some good, some bad" type of post.

If you had told me before I made this post that my wife was blame shifting, deluded, and flawed, I wouldn't have really listened or believed you. You might be thinking, "Wait a minute...are you off your meds? Didn't you write the original post?" I did! In spite of that I didn't really believe or understand the depth of the issues involved. And here is where it gets even fucking harder. Posting in this one-sided manner and reading the responses has made me look in the mirror in a way I never anticipated. I have read suggestions about how I need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy", about setting boundaries, and how I need to stop engaging with my wife and then think, "No, that's not me. That's not my wife. This person doesn't know me." Spoiler alert: you kinda knew me and my wife.

IQ wise, I'm smarter than the average bear. You know how much that has gotten me in this? Zilch. It has actually made things worse. My mind finds all the angles, it finds all the small flaws in others' reasoning and allows me to dismiss them and their points. My arrogance has blinded me to the wisdom of others. I have got to hold on to this new found humility and start learning and changing. I won't lie, I'm scared and daunted by the work I need to do. By so many measures (money, job, friends) my success in life has been impressive. Personal growth? Yeah, not so much. I've had some success in this area, but a lot of failures. To think that there is a new, higher mountain to climb is tough to discover.

A potentially saving grace about hearing the "whole" truth regarding my wife is that it changes her--in my opinion, at least--from being fatally flawed to profoundly flawed. If one sees all she is as opposed to just the original post I think there is hope. Could I be kidding myself? Sure, definitely could be. I've been wrong about so much in this shit storm that much of my arrogance has been stripped away. But what I'm not kidding myself about anymore is any notion that I'm a special snowflake. My situation is the same as so many on here. The work my wife and I need to do is the same.

Thank you. I would never have discovered this without this board and its partcipants. Thank you so very much.

P.S. I'm cross-posting this same reply to another one of my threads. This is kind of cheesy and maybe even against SI rules(?) but since creating these two posts I've realized they are in many ways the same post. The guidance given to me by all who responded has been invaluable and I want to say thank you to everyone. Hope that is OK.

P.P.S. Every time I think about my telling my wife she is profoundly flawed, I feel the need to say that I am too. And I am. I'm not just talking about issues in my relationship with her (boundary setting, communicating, etc.) but deep problems regarding self worth, arrogance, and self love. But talking about these issues now will end up serving to shift away from the hard, painful work she has to do. In my conversations with her I will only say that I have my own shit and I fully commit to working on it. But I won't mix the two issues. Her issues nearly destroyed our marriage and likely will finish the job off if not addressed. These come first in priority.

Sounds like you had some good breakthroughs :)

We are all here for you both--keep posting!

this woman is seriously broken. that may have been hidden at one time, i don't know, but it sure isn't now.

When fWW came along, she was like an oasis in a vast desert. She turned on the charm, portrayed desire, put her best foot forward.

But somehow, after the brokenness was so painfully revealed, I developed "hindsight" which pointed to the numerous "red flags" that I chose to ignore.

Many of them, I made excuses for, in my own mind, and told myself I was wrong, because I didn't want to believe it.

you have to seriously consider if real progress is possible with this narcissist

Something inside me wanted to "hold on" and make sure I had gone "the extra mile" to save my marriage, even though for a year, I seriously doubted that any progress was going to be possible. I finally "snapped" and declared her "unsafe", and kept my distance.

what I'm not kidding myself about anymore is any notion that I'm a special snowflake.

To me, she was "the one". To her, I was just "one more".

[This message edited by tfkeel at 5:56 AM, August 12th (Wednesday)]

#8 on the list is one of the most common. It is also one of the most disgusting and greedy. If the roles were reversed, would they be making that excuse ?

I agree the peops who say 'show her the door'. It sounds like she's trying but with what price to your self esteem.

WK55 hit the nail on the head IMO

has the discussion about you having sex with other women come up with her?

I am sorry that you are here ,my fiancé did the similar , I guess they trying to either blame the affair or trying to justify it I was playing cool even though I already known the affair until I could not take It anymore , I finally have the last word , its so sad that those selfish acts people do , I hope you find the way out and take care of yourself " I rather be lonely for the rest of my life than being with someone who don't appreciated me " this was my final quote to her I seen tear in her eye but oh well it is too bad we all responsible for our own action , best of luck to you

Her issues nearly destroyed our marriage and likely will finish the job off if not addressed. These come first in priority.

Your will never be muscular enough, your erection hard enough, and you couldn't speak enough languages to keep her from betraying you again if she doesn't work through her shit. Your WW's is one of the more superficial lists of "reasons" to have an affair that I've seen since my own xWW dropped her list of things I, not her, needed to do to fix her A-bomb damage. If your wife is willing to put in the work, I wish you both the best as a couple. If not, trust me, life is eons better without such a destructive force in it

Strength brother.

She is orgasmic because she is emotionally committed to your marriage. Could be temporary.