SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want to thanks everyone for the responses.

I totally understand that I shouldn’t be feeling shame and humiliation. This was entirely my wife’s doing. These feelings are my issues and only I can deal with them.

My wife has been very remorseful about her affair. She has been a model wife and mother in every way since then (she was always a great mom) although its been a tough road for me and as I mentioned we still struggle sexually. Although because everything else is so good, especially with our family/daughters I try not to make too big a deal of this. From a physical perspective my wife tries to encourage me and be engaged when we are together but its pretty obvious she’s still sexually frustrated and doing it just for me. I know she’s tried hard but we just haven’t been able to meet each others needs in this area.

I should provide more detail on a few things. We live in a smallish community where my wife grew up. Her entire social network is here (family, life long friends etc) and now mine is as well. She also works in the family business. We get a lot of support from her family with the children and it would be impossible for her to do what she is doing professionally anywhere else. Because it’s a family business she is the principal breadwinner. Its not practical for us to consider moving although this isn’t because of the job its everything else.

Also, none of my wife’s friends or my friends were in anyway complicit in her affair. They were all appalled by her actions. Ive had a lot of support. They didn’t aid her, or for the most past I dont think they even knew about it when it was active. So Im not mad at anyone other than the people directly involved.

The woman who made that cruel remark is not in our close circle of friends/acquaintances and we very rarely if ever see her. The Other Man is also not part of our social network but does live in our community and there is some interaction via “one or two degrees of separation”. Lastly, when I say my wife and her friends used to joke about this guy's reported dimensions it was almost in an ironic or mocking way. For example we might all be away on a weekend getaway and one of the girls would see a hay silo and say, “hey that reminds me of … her affair partner”. This was just a joke among the girs and they ran with it. I think they thought it was funny because they would never ever normally talk like that. At least least never in mixed company.

I know very well that I shouldn’t be feeling the shame and humiliation. This was all my wife’s doing. Ive always been a very good father and at least an ok husband. I try hard! Other then this issue we have a great family and good marriage.

Partly the problem is that I have no one in real life to talk about this. It doesn’t help if I run off to my wife and tell her about insecurities more than I already have.

R

I'm sorry you are having to deal with these feelings. I think every BS has the same insecurities following a betrayal. I know I certainly did.

Do you and your wife discuss your less than satisfying sex life? I don't understand why you are letting a less than ideal bedroom relationship continue when you know it is a problem, especially since you state everything else in your relationship seems to be doing well. With things the way they are today, and the access to sexual education, marital aids/toys, heck even porn, I would think there isn't a good reason for your sexual relationship to be less good than the rest of your relationship.

I second justastatistic. And would add that ~90% of my wife's orgasms came from my body parts above my waist. And that's been for 34 years. And if that doesn't work, perhaps, she needs some help in form of low dose of testosterone and stuff... Your toolbox should be more than sufficient to keep most average women on this planet happy.

[This message edited by mountainvlad at 2:18 PM, December 8th (Thursday)]

If your saying everything is great except in the bedroom, there should be an alarm bell going off. You need to figure out what the missing pieces are in the bedroom or you might be here again. Sex is just as important to women and I don't doubt many cheat just for that reason alone.

I had a few occassions where I came a little too quick for the liking of my WW and she got pissed afterwards and got to where she wouldn't ever want to have sex with me. She said I was a selfish lover, quite honestly it was hard to know when its coming and how to hold it off, but instead of working with me, she went elsewhere. That's just the way it is sometimes. I'd be proactive and not let a bad bedroom linger.

Reece,

Have you had any IC?

My wife's LTA happened in a small community - and if we were still there, it would be extra brutal. Part of our chances to R and to get beyond it is we live no where near where it happened near the OM. I think the gossip elements have to be a trigger on a regular basis.

And hopefully your fWW is helping to restore some esteem that gets crushed in these horror shows.

A little exchange occurred when I confronted my wife's AP. Just before he was fired, I let him know my wife said he had a "pencil dick" and not worth getting wet over. His english was not great, but he understood,(and some of it was translated) and replied in front of the entire company (including my wife); Yes, and her ass is fat and her tits droop like an old lady's. The fall out from these behaviors certainly reduces adults to childish response and back biting.

[This message edited by Been28years at 2:53 PM, December 8th (Thursday)]

Lastly, when I say my wife and her friends used to joke about this guy's reported dimensions it was almost in an ironic or mocking way. For example we might all be away on a weekend getaway and one of the girls would see a hay silo and say, “hey that reminds me of … her affair partner”. This was just a joke among the girs and they ran with it. I think they thought it was funny because they would never ever normally talk like that. At least least never in mixed company.

I'm sorry you're enduring this.

That being said, you've got some strange friends.

Personally, I don't think I could do the heavy lifting to truly reconcile and I'd cut my losses. But that's just me.

How did your wife's affair start, progress, and then end?

How were you made aware of the affair, and how has it become such a topic of public knowledge?

How did you come to see the affair videos and who else has seen them?

I'm sorry you're in this situation which sounds almost overwhelming.

Good Luck.

Hey, Reece!

Are you doing OK?

Klaatu, thanks for reaching out.

Yeah, I seem to be ok. Emotions always run high this time of year but other than that things continue to be steady or improve.

I cant erase what happened or what I know. There is no going back so I try not to dwell on them and focus on the positives.

Happy holidays,

R

Klaatu, thanks for reaching out.

Yeah, I seem to be ok. Emotions always run high this time of year but other than that things continue to be steady or improve.

I cant erase what happened or what I know. There is no going back so I try not to dwell on them and focus on the positives.

Happy holidays,

R