SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ive read a couple of posts about the shame people have felt after having been so happy and proud of their marriages only to find out that their spouse cheated. I totally understand this but I'm coming from it from a slightly different perspective. I'm trying to deal with feelings of humiliation and emasculation that have come from knowing, and having others whom we regularly interact with know specifics about my wife's physical affair.

My wife and I have just gone though (are going through) a tough time in our relationship, which include a separation as a result of her having an affair. We reconciled about a year ago and this has gone well but we're still working at it. We have two young children and this was a big factor in our reconciliation but not the only reason. I know we both still care very deeply for each other and I certainly never stopped loving her, even in my darkest moments.

Our relationship was never perfect and I'll take my share of the responsibility for that. However, currently I find that for the majority of the time we're now really good together and our relationship is very solid, perhaps even more so than before. We're communicating well, a couple of prior stresses we had in our lives are now diminished and we've been able to share some really happy times together as a couple and as a family.

However, there are moments when I still struggle. The biggest issue I have is still trying to deal with the humiliation and insecurity stemming from her affair. We live in suburbia and even though its part of a major city our circle of friends, social and work acquaintances seem to be shockingly small at times. As a result, her affair including some details, are well known amongst the people we interact with daily.

I think sometimes what bothers me the most are the looks I get and the conversations that I know are occurring about why she decided to have an affair? Was I not able to satisfy her, why did she choose this specific man to have sex with, etc. I even overheard a comment once from a woman (who in my opinion is a real b&8tch) make a joke about the reason my wife choose this man to sleep with. It was a crude and cruel comment but i know there is more than a bit of truth in it and it just reinforced my insecurity.

The circumstances of her affair are a bit unique and not in a good way. The man she cheated with is known to our small circle of friends (a few years ago he dated a woman who played sports/socialized with us). While he was dating this woman we got to know him and he's a very arrogant and conceited guy. He had a reputation of being a real 'player' and disrespectful towards women. He's also a very good looking guy with a tall, athletic build and a big personality so I can understand what women see in him but I always felt his obnoxious nature would cross this out. Certainly all the women in our social circle including my wife were vocal in their dislike for him. A further (difficult) point to mention is that the woman this man dated was very open about the details of their relationship and would willingly share both how skilled he was in the bedroom and also how extremely 'gifted' physically he was from a sexual point of view. This was a pretty unusual conversation for this group of typically conservative women and so his avowed physical attributes became this long running ironic joke amongst them.

Or at least it was a joke until my wife slept with him. So its been hard enough to deal with her affair and the fact that so many people we interact with are aware of it, but for her to choose this man of all people makes it so much worse. Especially after everything negative she used to say about him. This of course only compounds my own insecurities both in our general relationship and in the bedroom. Im not generally an overly insecure guy but i know we've never had a great sex life (even before this all happened) and I could tell that she always felt something was lacking in the bedroom. So its only caused me to further doubt my own abilities. Its just very hard to deal with at times.

I don't really have a specific question I'm mostly just venting but I would like to know from other men who have reconciled after their wife's have cheated do you ever move past the physical details of their actions? Do you ever stop thinking about it or revisiting in your head what you imagine to be the specifics? Is it really that much harder when all our friends and acquaintances know about the specifics behind it or do I just need to get past this and work on the important parts of the reconciliation?

Hopefully I will be able to and hopefully it doesn't take forever.

Thanks,

I'm not male, but I have similar feelings.

The women my husband had affairs with were not attractive (to me), so I was torn between feeling sorry for my husband that they represented the best he could do versus feeling like I must also be that ugly.

Then, the whispers about what a terrible spouse I must be that my husband had to have affairs.

Wait, I'm a great wife, friend, and NOT ugly.

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to send my support. I'm also not male, but I can relate. I am the complete opposite of my WH's APs, and he has stated he preferred their looks over mine. I still have a hard time with it, even though we're now separated.

I think it is harder when everyone knows. I had to stand in a room and socialize a few months ago with my WH's co-workers and friends, all of whom knew about the affairs (and encouraged them). It was difficult. I posted about shame and embarrassment recently as well.

If you want your marriage to survive, I would cut off this group of friends. I might also arrive at a party with a bull's penis in a box. Hand it to the lady who made the comment and tell her it belongs to your wife's ex-AP. Tell her if she wants you can arrange to have her c*** removed and gift wrapped.

I think sometimes what bothers me the most are the looks I get and the conversations that I know are occurring about why she decided to have an affair? Was I not able to satisfy her, why did she choose this specific man to have sex with, etc. I even overheard a comment once from a woman (who in my opinion is a real b&8tch) make a joke about the reason my wife choose this man to sleep with. It was a crude and cruel comment but i know there is more than a bit of truth in it and it just reinforced my insecurity.

The only truth there is is that your wife took it upon herself to violate your wedding vows and go for some outside action.

This has nothing whatsoever to do with you, or whatever faults you might have.

It has everything to do with her choosing to do so while pretending to still be your wife.

Seriously - if she were that unhappy with you, she should have filed for divorce and then gone on to sample the field as it were.

If she thought something was lacking in your bedroom, did she bother to tell you about it before going off to fuck someone else? No? Then it's all on her. Not on you.

It does lead one to wonder how many of the women in that circle have banged him, though, doesn't it? Might mention that to their husbands...

I don't really have a specific question I'm mostly just venting but I would like to know from other men who have reconciled after their wife's have cheated do you ever move past the physical details of their actions? Do you ever stop thinking about it or revisiting in your head what you imagine to be the specifics? Is it really that much harder when all our friends and acquaintances know about the specifics behind it or do I just need to get past this and work on the important parts of the reconciliation?

I am a WS whose wife had an A with my BIL who is taller, broad shouldered, stronger than me. And my wife is a tiny woman. I guess you could figure out his performance with my wife.

Even if we say "no" to all your questions, what would you do about it?

I don't really have a specific question I'm mostly just venting but I would like to know from other men who have reconciled after their wife's have cheated do you ever move past the physical details of their actions? Do you ever stop thinking about it or revisiting in your head what you imagine to be the specifics? Is it really that much harder when all our friends and acquaintances know about the specifics behind it or do I just need to get past this and work on the important parts of the reconciliation?

You sound miserable. Every BS has this bullshit to contend with, it's just part of the prize package of betrayal. The blame game is how other people gain some power over the situation. You (any BS) has to be lacking in some department (asshole, impotent, unable to pleasure WS, abusive, etc.) to cause her (him) to cheat. The thought that anyone at anytime could betray someone is fucking terrifying to most people. That's the sad reality though. I'm going to say this and piss off the feminists around her but oh well. If a man's wife cheats, most folks think he must not be getting the job done in the bedroom. The female equivalent of cuckold isn't commonly known but everybody knows what a fucking cuck is. Now, I'm not saying folks don't say similar things about betrayed women, it's not as common. A philandering husband is just an asshole not a poor sexually frustrated wayward wife that just needed a release. It's sad but true. Sistermilkshake will be along shortly to refute this...

I have to say I don't know your backstory Reece. How do people know the specifics of her A? Who the hell talks about penis size in casual conversation with mixed company? The woman that made some joke about her AP choice should be cut completely out of your lives. You don't need that shit.

What is your wife doing to fix this for you? Why do you say your sex life is lacking?

.......

[This message edited by alostdude at 1:44 PM, December 6th (Tuesday)]

I'm trying to deal with feelings of humiliation and emasculation that have come from knowing, and having others whom we regularly interact with know specifics about my wife's physical affair.

The shame and humiliation are, to a great extent, due to messages you're sending yourself. I think we all do it, but part of healing is replacing those attacking messages with nurturing ones. Yes, absolutely - easier said than done. But true.

I think sometimes what bothers me the most are the looks I get and the conversations that I know are occurring about why she decided to have an affair?

Are you sure you know what those looks mean? Are you sure what people are saying? Probably not.

But I can see how staying in a social circle which knows about the A and the ap makes healing more difficult, because the message - which you generate yourself - that 'they know...' is an added attack. Besides, you remind the group that bad things can happen.

Have you talked with members of the group about the A? Have you asked members what they think about you? What if they admire you but not your W?

It's very possible you need a new social group. I know I had difficulty relating to a BH many years ago because I acted as if he were contagious; your friends may be reacting similarly. If that's what's happening, they have one problem (not respecting you because of their own shit), and you have another (stick with these 'friends' or find others).

even overheard a comment once from a woman (who in my opinion is a real b&8tch) make a joke about the reason my wife choose this man to sleep with.

Every so often someone posts about that - see, you don't even have to spell it out - and the responses were enlightening to me, at least. But the only woman who counts is your W. What does she say? Um... what does her body say?

So, I get the blow to your confidence. I think I get the added complication of your friends knowing. But you've got resources to get through this, to survive, then thrive.

There's another 'but', though, and I think it's there for all BSes - we have to accept that non-BSes just don't know what we have to deal with. If they can accept us as we are, great. If they can't or won't, drop 'em.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:58 PM, December 6th (Tuesday)]

First of all, I see your so called "social circle" is toxic to you and your marriage. It's a pity they know what happened, but the only way to fix it is to move out and move on. I never told anyone anywhere about what happened, and we moved 4000 miles from the place where it happened "just in case". What happened there, stayed there.

For humiliation part. Obviously, it's your work that you need to work on yourself. "That" size doesn't matter, that's a fact. There is about 2 billion ladies in Asia that would be extremely happy with my smaller than average size. They would also appreciate my average height and built. My wife repeatedly told me that size doesn't matter, and I believe it. Her OM size was bigger, and she kind of liked it, but I told her "when you were virgin, you were crying for half a year saying my size was to big, now you telling me you need bigger?". She said "no, no, no, you're fine". I said "you better be fine, 'cause you ain't gonna get nothin' bigger for the rest of your life". So, you need to dig into yourself, why you doubting your physical resume. Could be that she doesn't show you enough appreciation, that she needs to address in order to keep relationship.

A further (difficult) point to mention is that the woman this man dated was very open about the details of their relationship and would willingly share both how skilled he was in the bedroom and also how extremely 'gifted' physically he was from a sexual point of view.

This is just another proof that your social circle is toxic, and has nothing to do with you.

This of course only compounds my own insecurities both in our general relationship and in the bedroom. Im not generally an overly insecure guy but i know we've never had a great sex life (even before this all happened) and I could tell that she always felt something was lacking in the bedroom.

This is completely separate problem absolutely unrelated to your size, height, athletic stance or personality. It is something to be addressed through open talk and sometimes professional help from sexologist. You need to spend more time learning how to please her with toolbox you have (hint: most of the time it doesn't even involve penetration... and your looks... her eyes are closed anyway). She needs to help you communicating what she likes and how she likes.

One of the hardest things for a BS to accept about infidelity is that is has nothing to do with you and should not reflect on your own worth. Think of the most attractive movie star you know, odds are they have been cheated on. It has nothing to do with your looks or prowess.

That being said, if you need more of a male perspective, check out the thread for Men in the I Can Relate forum.

I understand and have felt that way too. The woman you overheard guessing why your WW had sex with him isn't worth the time of day, she is a bitch, probably insecure herself.

I would bet a lot of the women are talking about your WS, what they think of her and worried she will come after their husbands.

I doubt he was all that great, for most women the times out of the bed are more important that those in the bed. Arrogant cheaters don't attract me.

I second what stayed said about the double standards. from books to movies, the guys that get cheated on are all drunks or abusers and the cheating wife is portrayed as a hero. When men cheat it's because they are louts.

My wife too had fantasy sex with a younger guy. We hid it for 5 years but it is out now. The difference between us is no one knows this guy, just the story. Still an awful story which I won't rehash

What makes your post timely for me is in the next couple of weeks I will be reentering our social circle for a short time to go to some holiday parties . This will be my first in person interaction since this came out and I left a few months ago.

Don't want to t/j but how is your wife in these interactions with friends? Is she at all embarrassed? I know I will be, but I think my wife will be even more. In fact she is backpedling on even going with me. Do you think they are really talking about you, or are you projecting.

I don't think my old friends would say anything horrible, but who knows what they are thinking.

As to the clinical thinking and analyzing anatomy that there is no difference. That might be smart book thinking, but at least for me it hurts badly none the less. Sounds the same for Reece. They traded us in for what they felt was a newer and more exciting model. You can talk all around it, but that's what happened

Unfortunately I understand exactly what you are talking about. It took a couple of very rocky years for me to deal with it. I intentionally didn’t say that I have gotten over it, because I have come to realize that I never will. I will take this humiliation to my grave. However, there were things that I learned I could change. I could change my social circle. I could and did exclude those that were not a friend of my M. I could and did give my fww the ultimatum that she could do the same if she respected me and our M more than the relationship with those select people. Its tough, especially when those people start asking questions about the more infrequent visits. I have learned to successfully employ a diplomatic cold shoulder. They all understand it and they understand I’ll take it as far as I need to make it perfectly clear I do not value their faux friendship.

That’s the social dilemma solved for me. It is a little colder because I just do not trust anymore, but I can tolerate those of my choosing. The self-esteem issues were much more difficult for me to adjust. Losing my sense of masculinity was incredibly emotionally debilitating. If you can recover via IC or through conversations or situations with your WS, then I am happy for you. Many here have. I cannot. It was so humiliating I literally wanted to die. Eventually, I learned to lean on the other attributes of myself that my fww’s A’s cannot take away. My work, my hobbies, my demeanor, my education. They are not substitutes for what I have lost, but they fill in the gaps and make life much more bearable. I have accepted me for who I am. I don’t like the guy nowhere near as much, but I accept it. As you can read, its caused me to become a little more cynical and bitter. But even that I can control especially when I am in the company of those who don’t know or do not care about my fww’s A’s. I don’t want to die every day. I want to live and accomplish new and exciting goals. I want to enjoy and share the attractive attributes I do have. Maybe my lack of sexual prowess does define a part of me, but it doesn’t define all of me and certainly doesn’t define any of my character. I am certainly of no value to anyone who places that attribute high on their list of attractive or necessary qualities. I choose not to interact with those people. It hurts because I have essentially become a metaphorical eunuch. I may not be “that” good, but apparently I am good enough for her to stay and exclude those people from our lives. And, if that should change, I’d be better off without her.

Whatever you choose to do with your life and your M is entirely up to you. As much as it hurts, you own it. That’s the bad news. The good news is that as much as it hurts, you own it. My advice; do good things with it. Live. Go to IC if you need to. Find value in you and devalue those with toxic opinions of you. Don’t let a small social group define your value to the world or limit your ability to find happiness. Figure out who it is you want to be then go be that person. Then, figure out who, if anyone, you want to share that with. If it is your WS, then invest in R. If it is not your WS, then invest in D.

Sorry for the long post and I hope my cynical view is not too discouraging for you. I think I am an anomaly in the margins and most seem to get along much better than I but I wanted to share a little with you to give you a little hope. You appear to be quite intelligent and with high moral fabric. You will work your way through this and I wish you peace along the way.

Sounds like you need a new group of friends.

If you really want to stay with your wife, you're going to have to move away from the town unfortunatley or you're always going to feel that way.

actions have consequences... and if she doesnt want to move, then you have your answer and know what needs to be done.

Let me tell you a story.

When my wife and I met, I weighed 132 pounds. I was very skinny. Most women found me unattractive and objectively I was. But my wife found me attractive. In fact, she would literally soak through her pants in public because of her desire.

Fast forward to midlife. I am 30 pounds heavier, and a good part of that is muscle. I look good. Anonymous women flirt with me 2-3 times a week. By the standards of middle aged men, I am handsome. But my wife does not find me physically attractive. We still have a very active sex life, but she just doesn't have that chemistry for me.

Why was she so turned on when I was ugly but not turned on now that I look great? Because she was in love with me back then, and is not "in love" with me now. My looks weren't really so relevant.

I think for many women how they perceive a man is as much or more important than his physical characteristics. In which case this comparison to the AP may solely be in your head, not your wife's.

My wh had the blow job queen. She was enthusiastic about swallowing. I cannot see myself ever performing this act on him again, I feel so small and insignificant and compared.

She wasn't younger, prettier, smarter. Really just gross and doesn't look clean. Married with 4 kids. Spends her career on her knees. It hasn't been a great professional move, she has never moved up in the industry, so it's not a case of sour grapes over her success. There's no success.

But I feel lousy in the sack. Wh is trying and is positive but I'm so insecure about all of it. How bad could the sex have been for 6 months? He claims he was stressed out and a mess, but clearly the sex was worth suffering thru. It's a son of a bitch, because I'm 48, in great shape, horny, had a hysterectomy -freedom! - and have time and energy for sex, but I feel like a mouse in the corner. I feel like this should be my prime time, kids gone, all that stress is lessened, house is often empty. Not fair, is it?

Northern gal,

I think that for many men the desire is based solely on it being a new and different sex partner, and not because that partner is in any way prettier or better in bed. Think biology--a primal urge to spread seed wide and large which is resisted by evolved men and entertained by less evolved men. So, again, this feeling of inadequacy likely only exists in your head, not your husband's.

I am exactly where you are now, except we rugswept everything, which is not good.

The description of this man is very similar to the one in my situation. A total douche bag, which under normal circumstances, you would think it would cancel things out. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around how people can't see through this guy like I can. They "know how he is", but still love him for some reason. A total POS person.

It sounds to me like you need to start making some choices about your circle of friends as well. It seems that they will become a never ending trigger for you if you don't start cutting some ties.

T/J -

...[F]or many men the desire is based solely on it being a new and different sex partner....

I wonder if those men can't or won't commit.