SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If this is true....

A main reason of the reason I slept with the om and sent him pictures is because of his size.

And your husband knows this, I am not sure what you can do.

Joeboo is right. I cannot think of a more effective way to destroy a mans masculinity, than to inform him that he is small, and that you sought another because you want someone bigger. That you wanted someone who is "more" than he is. It's not the kind of thing you can get a facelift or boob job and compensate for.

Have you considered offering him a divorce with favorable terms for him? I am not being flippant. Nor am I intending to be mean. But If you truly want what is best for him, and not just saving the marriage, its an option. Perhaps giving him the opportunity to find someone who will be satisfied with him as he is, is what he needs. It's letting go of the outcome and letting him make the choice if he wants to stay and work on the marriage. Or move on.

It is a very difficult situation. Best of luck. I hope you both find some peace.

Do you mean that you cheated on your husband because your AP had a bigger Dick ? !!!

I think this is a really tricky situation.

How much does your husband know? Does he know how much bigger the OM was or that you specifically wanted the OM because he was larger?

I would never, ever counsel anyone to lie and you should always be 100% truthful in a marriage but if at all possible DO NOT go into any additional details on this subject. Avoid or deflect all you can and be comfortable with. I have some experience on this subject (my wife cheated and I found out explicit details of her affair). I would have always needed to know the details but truthfully I often wish I didnt. I have never been able to be intimate with my wife since and not been able to think about her with him.

BH here,

I want this to show that no matter what you answered it was going to be wrong because the way a BH thinks after discovery is very much negative in their own self esteem.

I never had an insecurity with size because I didn't care at all I had my family and wife and was happy.

But after discovery of my wife's affairs I found out that her 3rd AP tried to get her to make comments about "being big and bigger than her husband" and he was quickly shut down and I guess shocked when my wife after pressure told him that I was hung like a horse. Not sure why she didn't just lie to him not like she didn't lie to everyone else right?

This gave me a hahaha moment in the back of my mind when I heard it. But the damage was done, because here even though size was never an insecurity for me I had other sexual insecurities I never had before.

So to answer your question his insecurities were going to be there 100% either way any which way you answered that question.

I wouldn't try fixing this specific problem. I think you will only make it worse. If he wants to talk about sex, tell him how he satisfies you, both physically and emotionally. Focus on what he does more than anyone else could. Then expand after time as you grow to understand more about what really sex means for you. Because it has changed.

my 2 cents

If i may drop my couple of cents into the hat here, honesty may truly be the busy policy on 99.999% of interactions out there. This may be the one and only I would suggest going to the grave with as far as your BH is concerned. If you want to royally exacerbate the emasculation, drop that nugget of incite on him. That will leave a lasting mindjob. From his perspective, his balls have just been ripped off, don't shred whats left.

I was not exactly in his shoes. The physical limitations i had were temporary due to an un-diagnosed cumulative issue that had been going on for some years. The reason given to me for the continuation of FWW's LTA - OM was consistent - was agonizing enough, especially in light of the fact that there were steps that could have been taken. Your BH has no such options.

I would implore you to making sure your BH knows that he has the means and ability to take care of business, repeatedly. He will question EVERYTHING in that regard.

I hope this helps, and i hate it for him and you. Good luck

Wait.....you actually choose the AP bc he has a bigger penis than your H? Or did you mistype and mean to say you didn't?

If it's correct and you did make the choice for that reason (and while every BH reading this triggers), and your H knows, Idk if this is reconcilable. That would be near impossible for most men to get over.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:30 PM, February 27th (Monday)]

Hello all S.I. Friends.

I AM DM2007'S BH.

First of all, let me begin by thanking each and every one of for giving there insight.

Many of you stated how unbelievably emasculating this would be if it was you who it happened to.

YOU ARE ALL CORRECT!!!

this has utterly destroyed me as a man!!! To learn that my wife of 9 years "together 17" was so enthralled by another 2" of dick that she cheat on me for it is absolutely mind blowing.

This is a scar that will never go away as long as I'm alive.

Unfortunately this is merely one of the many ways she CHOSE to betray me in the past year.

False R

T.T.

and thinking only of herself for 11 months after d-day #2 has burned out whatever feelings I had for her.

I wish she could, (or would even try) to understand why this fact is so destructive to a mans self worth.

DM....you came here looking for advice on how to win him back, but idk if that's possible. I mean, if I was your BH, knowing that specific detail, I could never be intimate with you again. And I'd probably have difficulties with future partners.

Based on what your BS posted in this thread, it kinda seems like you only started wanting him once he decided enough was enough and no longer wanted you.

Pierking, brother, this may be the most emasculating case of infidelity I've ever heard of. I'm sorry that you had to go thru this.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 1:54 AM, February 28th (Tuesday)]

Damn. This is almost unbelievable; throwing away your marriage for an extra 2" of pecker. SMH. Hope it was worth it, yet somehow I suspect it wasn't.

Pierking, to minimize the impact of this betrayal I highly recommend IC so that you might be able to find happiness with someone else.

I'm praying for you both.

Pierking, your wife has posted to ask how to help you. Understanding that some physical attributes cannot be changed, and the past cannot be changed, and despite whatever misdeeds she has done to hurt you, and you are apparently still with her, what are you doing now about it? What is your plan going forward? Is there something your wife can do for you now that she isn't doing? Also, is there anything you think might help that you haven't yet?

I've been racking my brain for 11 months now trying to figure out what if anything could possibly make me feel as though deep down she really is satisfied with me.

From d day#1 to today she has broken all but 1 of my requirements for R. The lying never stopped, and every promise she has made to "try harder" and to "take initiative, do the hard work" she has broke.

There are 2 instances that made up my mind that this will not work.

1; during an argument one eve, I began to fill out divorce papers that I had printed prior.

HER RESPONSE.

REALLY?? YOUR GOING TO DO THIS TO ME NOW??

2; needed a nite alone, ended up stopping at a bar for a few hours. (btw sober 4+ years. Soda only)

Then next morn I was accused of "TRYING OUT THE SINGLE LIFE"

If anyone here can see hope in any of this please speak up

Pierking,

I am an alcoholic. This is from someone who is concerned for you. Going to bars is a slippery slope.

When I don't want to be alone I go to an AA meeting.

Healing from this is a long hard road, and it requires a lot of work on the part of the cheating spouse. In order to heal this she has work to do.

Sorrowful,

Thank you sincerely for your concern!

If i may id like to put it out there that I am sober 4+ years by choice, not necessity. To set an example forpur two sons.

Very cool. I am happy for you.

Me... I had to admit to my drinking problem. I can't do it because I will destroy my life and everything I love if I go down that road.

Hang in there. I am praying for both of you.

Pierking I feel for you.

As a BH approaching the 3 year mark, I can say there is nothing a woman can do to show utter disrespec to her husband than to betray him by having an affair. I can swear that there hasn't been a single day since July 4, 2014 that I haven't pictured my wife in bed with another man and I've replayed every lie from her that she told to make it happen. As others have told your wife on this thread, there is nothing that she can do to make you "unremember" what she did.

My wife and I have each been to our own counselors and we've been to a ton of marriage counseling. I still resent her affair. I will never forget it. Reconciliation is hard as hell.

It's very difficult to forgive when the ws does all the right things.

I can only speak for myself, but I could not reconcile if my wife humiliated me with the other man as yours has done.

Pierking,

I would suggest you start a thread in JFO or the General section.

wk55hn,

My H and I have talked about if he cheated on me with a women better looking, in better shape, or bigger chest. I told him that yes I would be upset and hurt as well. I have always hated my chest size so I have always been self conscious about it. But from what my H said is that I dressed in ways I never have before. I do not remember that.

I know now nothing like this will ever happen again because I won't let it. Just like I shouldn't of let this happen. I do want to make our marriage work. I have said to my H that I will be forever in debt to him because of what I have chosen to do.

It was NOT just the bigness. It was also an emotional affair. I did have feelings for the om.

meridian,

Yes, PART of the reason I had my affair was because the om was bigger. I don't understand why though for the fact is I have ALWAYS been extremely happy, pleased, satisfied, turned on by my H size.

Reece,

My H knows EVERYTHING. He don't believe that he does and I don't blame him for that for the fact is I have lied to him so much since all of this happened. I know that he will not be able to believe or trust me for a long time if ever again. And I am a million percent to blame for that along with everything else. I do regret it every second of every day.

My H told me today that I should of said every detail about what happened from day one when I did this post. I agree with him and I should of put all the details all out in the open right away. And for that everyone that has posted on here I am sorry that I didn't.

A part that I have not shared yet is that even before the affairs I stopped taking my medication for my depression and bi-polar. But before anyone thinks that I am using that as an excuse, I am not. Yes that does have a part in it but that is not a reason or an excuse. I am fully to blame for my actions and my choices.

I am now currently on he right medicine and it is working amazing. I haven't felt more like myself in years.

Yes, PART of the reason I had my affair was because the om was bigger. I don't understand why though for the fact is I have ALWAYS been extremely happy, pleased, satisfied, turned on by my H size.

I expect this is the hardest part for your H to get past. It would be especially difficult for any man to get over this. It would be one thing to say that you had an A and that you found it exciting that OM had a bigger penis that what you were used to. But to say that you had the affair BECAUSE the OM was bigger, that would be a very tough fact to come to terms with. I couldn't.

And then there's the contradiction of it. You did it bc he was bigger, but you were very satisfied with your H's size. I sat here thinking how I'd react to this statement, and all I know is that it would anger me greatly.

DM, if your H can somehow find it in himself to successfully R with you, then you've got a man with a heart of gold. I hope you treat him well from here on out.

I wish you both well.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 6:15 PM, March 1st (Wednesday)]

If he does take me back then I am going to treat him like a king. He is such an amazing man, husband, and father to our 2 sons. I pray to god everyday so many times that he will take me back. I really do live him with all of my heart and soul. I will do ANYTHING to get him back.

He does not believe that I loved him at all during the affairs. I told him that I did and still do love him but I don't know if during that time I fell out of love with him for a while or what. I don't understand it. But I REALLY DO LOVE HIM!!!!