SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Texashunter41 - "What does it tell me about this person?"

I think you already know, and it's not flattering.

It tells you that the ONLY thing that matters to them is their own needs (I use needs loosely).

TH,

I read your thread on another forum. The advice you got there was very good, and I'm sure the advice you get here will be beneficial too. The one thing I would advise is to not let "Ruined", your wayward wife know you are posting here on SI. That is your decision of course. It seemed when she posted you began posting less and less, I assume because she was reading and responding in YOUR thread.

Honestly I think even though you have a child on the way, the best thing for your health is to divorce her. She was totally remorseless, and never has got the damage she did to you. She regretted being caught is my opinion. Her escapades were videoed, and there are no mind movies for you, they are in color. So sorry.

Again, she's totally remorseless, and the A would have continued both emotionally, and physically if not caught.

Welcome to the club no one wants to join, and I hope you find what you need here.

Best wishes

Thanks, she will probably end up on this site as well. She has started reading a lot more and increased being attentive as well as giving me space when I seem to get really agitated. I feel blind to anything she does really due to my anger and such. I'm sure she is trying but I cant let anything go..Again 1 step forward and 12 back it feel. Last 2 weeks have been bad. I been reading a lot on this site and trying to gather as much information I can. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over this but at least I want to be educated when it comes to my final decision.

Where is she, emotionally?

I would say wrecked but what can I believe. Shes turned out to be a very good actress.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:23 PM, September 3rd (Sunday)]

Figured, she has been doing a lot of reading and searching the web. So I guess at least she's reading and hopefully she will

Meet someone who can help her understand the reality of what's she's done to our marriage. She needs to get a grasp at the depth of what's she done. I don't have issues with her writing but I wish she would interact more and gain some knowledge to help her understand how real it is and that the fantasy is over. The ideas she made up in her mind for everything is big and real. Maybe one day she will really see.

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 7:06 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

Yes, I see she is on another thread.

TH one great thing among many about SI is waywards cannot post in the just found out thread, which is great. The moderators here are far superior in my opinion than on the other forum. I have been thwacked, justifiably, and lost my privilege posting in another thread. The moderators are good and fair.

I do hope you find what you need. Your anger is your enemy. You need to think clear. As I said based on all I've read, she is toxic, and what she wrote in the thread here is defiant, my opinion.

She has no remorse at all. So, why continue a sham that in all probabiiity the toxicity will hurt your kids in the long run. Divorce is a short term loss (win for you) and in the long run you, your children will be happier for it.

Time to shit or get off the pot TH.

Best wishes

I wish she wouldn't piggy back thread but start one and start asking for help..figure out her issues and get some help..she just reads and never really talks.

Your next step is scheduling a polygraph

Have met some new people at this little dive bar by my house where older people hang. Many of them have become friends and I can talk to from time to time. It has helped a little

Yeah, any support system you can put together IRL (in real life) will help. Individual Counseling (IC) would be better than MC. IC can help you through your feelings of being lost, confused, and angry.

She needs to get into IC otherwise she is just puttering around on forums and doing no real work.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:25 PM, September 3rd (Sunday)]

Lashing out is understandable but of course not very helpful.

Perhaps getting some clarity on things might be... Things like the number of rodeo's and cowboys, whether the main bull sired the calves etc.

Sorry for the BS analogies. My point and question to you is: would a polygraph and/or paternity testing give you some peace of mind as to where you are now with her? If so, then these things can be done and you can get on with that.

You are also free to leave at any time. Ok that it's a deal breaker brother. It's also OK to try to work things out, providing you are comfortable where you are starting from. Tough knowing now though, that's why maybe some testing could help.

Welcome, and Best to you.

We have MC on tuesdays and I never feel like we get much said nor done during it. I always end up going to have a couple drinks at the bar on the way home to calm down and be around her.

Lately my questions are ones she says she doesn't have a answer for. Like how she could do all this after only knowing him 2 days and feel nothing for our family. That she wasn't nor ever thought about doing that before. Or why she would let him make sex videos with her when she flew to meet him for the day. Said she didn't know about the first video but knew about the other 6 including when he came in her as well as blow job while smiling in the camera..the videos drive me into a rage if not more knowing she let him film him coming in her. He said I'm going to cum in you to which she replied ok..then would watch them when she was alone to pleasure herself. Or the dildo she bought because it was his cock size and would use it so she could be used to him for the next time they got to met (which they didn't) but she used it during her FaceTime beat offs and to take pics with to send to him...the rage is uncontrollable.. the occasional drink is the only thing that can calm me down to even be around her.

But I am now being labeled an abusive husband by other because I'm pissed and yell at her when things come up or call her a name because of the huge amount of frustration.. that she doesn't deserve this kind of treatment...are you fing kidding me with that bs!!!! Seriously!!!

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 1:58 PM, July 25th (Tuesday)]

I think you need to go back to your first post because I believe the source of much of your anger lies there. There is a lot of blame shifting in that post. It would seem that either you or your wife would like to lay the majority of the blame at the APs feet.

She even let him make a sex tape of them while they we together in Arizona and keep it for awhile to enjoy herself in bed while we were not in the house.

No, they made a sex tape. She didn't "let" him make a sex tape. She's the one who wanted it for her future enjoyment.

She told her that she would stop but that he contacted her and convinced her to keep going to which he admitted. She just didn't care enough because she was on this kind of high..she later wanted it to be over but he wouldn't let go and she tried to distance herself

Nope. She chose to continue it.

she later wanted it to be over but he wouldn't let go and she tried to distance herself..but he keep going and she did it just to appease him and slowly pushed him away.

Again, this lays the blame for the continuation of the affair on the AP but it took TWO PEOPLE to continue the affair. She chose to continue it, period.

Until your wife admits to both you and herself that she made her own choices independent of his choices, you are going to be angry. You both have to accept that her choices resulted in an affair. Consider that she was the one with the hotel room for him to come stay at. If she wanted it over, she could have not told him she was going there or not gone there. She didn't want it over until she was caught. Now, in hindsight, she is rewriting the affair history in the same way she rewrote the marital history during the affair. And I wouldn't actually have a problem with that if she would just take responsibility for the fact that she made choices. She wasn't coerced. She made choices. And she has to own those choices and stop trying to push them off on the AP. He is not your problem. He could have been anyone.

they didn't even enjoy the sex and had wished that part had not happened

One does not need a "practice" dildo for sex one does not enjoy. She's full of shit on that one and she needs to own that, too. You're angry because of the flawed logic in this whole thing. When she starts being honest with you about both her participation and her enjoyment, you will feel less anger because her responses will align with what your head already knows. And then you will actually be able to rebuild your relationship.

I realize that telling you she didn't like the sex is because she doesn't want you to hurt knowing that she did enjoy it. And it will hurt. But being lied to by the person you are supposed to be able to trust above all others hurts worse. Your brain knows the truth about that even when your heart wants to believe her.

Tell your wife to stop blame shifting much of the responsibility of the affair onto the AP and start telling the truth about enjoying the sex and you'll actually be able to start moving forward with some honesty. Until she does that, you're going to feel more angry than ready to reconcile.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 2:18 PM, July 25th (Tuesday)]

don't stay in a bad realsonship because of kids.

She has confessed to a good bit of it but I believe she down plays other parts of it.

but I believe she down plays other parts of it.

Of course, she does. There's a lot of shameful behavior there. But she has to own it for two reasons. The first is that as long as she downplays, her version sounds like blame shifting and doesn't help you. And the second is that she is more likely to repeat behavior she doesn't fully accept responsibility for. As long as she can say "The devil made me do it" the door is open for the "devil" to keep being in control of her actions. She has to fully accept responsibility for her actions and then work on her boundaries and poor coping mechanisms to be able to reassure you that it won't happen again.

We go to MC once a week for 1 hr. How ever I don't feel its enough time for use to really get into things and allow the therapist to approach each subject. To me her only scheduling 1hr each week just says its not that important to get to the meat of things.

Bear in mind that you are at ZERO obligation to reconcile with a cheater. Regardless of what a WS says, they do know the risk they're taking when they choose to break their vows. The marriage is forfeit at that point.

That said, if you're inclined to R, I agree with you that an hour of MC per week is not enough to get the job done. MC is for treating problems in the marriage and it's an excellent method of fomenting good communications, but it doesn't deal effectively with a WS's character flaws. IC is best for that, and IC is also a good tool for the BS to utilize in healing.

If schedules and money don't allow for as much therapy as you'd like, there are plenty of good books for home study. You might try Getting Past the Affair by Snyder and Baucom for a program you can do in tandem, Not Just Friends by Glass for learning and setting boundaries, and What Makes Love Last? by Gottman for rebuilding trust.

I've been in R with my fWH for going on three years now. It's a really tough process, not for the faint of heart. Then again, a decision to just walk when you have a large family at stake isn't easy either, so your ambivalence is normal. It's okay not to know what the end result will be. R is a process.