SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Although Stevesn has a name that give me fits when I see it

I want to call you Steven!

He is giving you excellent advice. You are actually getting great advice all around.

Have you checked out the "I Can Relate" forum? There's a thread there "for those who found out years later". You may get good advice there as well.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=349697

[This message edited by Wool94 at 2:57 PM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

She says the sex was cold and not good. This is a typical cheater lie. She kept going back for more. When a cheater tells a betrayed spouse how many times they had sex and how bad it was, that turns out to be true as often catching a chicken with teeth. Haha.

With the schedule you describe, how did she have time to ride around with him and go to motels with him? Why did you have questions about him for all these years? Your gut was trying to tell you. Did you ask her about him at the time?

Count me in as also having a wife who was happy and to hear her tell it satisfied with our marriage. We were doing work to have our house turned into a place we dreamed of. I was a few years from retirement, and my daughters were out of the house and in a good place

Yet she let the electrician treat her as his sex toy before it all blew up. I got the it just happened to which I asked how does the workman go in for a kiss without being damn sure he wasn't going to get slapped in the face. He doesn't unless he is pretty damn sure that is what she wanted. It wasn't some other lion looking to mate. It was her sending signals that she was receptive.

I also got the he didn't mean anything, and I never would have left you, and I only loved you. That was supposed to make me feel better?

The pain of this has never left. I think it was worse because there was no reason for it. You are looking to make excuses for her with actions or inactions on your part giving her a pass

I'm finally at the point where I had to let her go. It was gut wrenching to do. I am not advocating that for anyone else. I have plenty of downside now. What I do advocate is not letting yourself think for one minute you were at all responsible.

Some women just want more excitement in there lives and don't think about the consequences. She should also be held to task for lying to you for so long

Just wanted to add, and I am trying to be tactful that maybe your sons behavior was a learned response and he knew something went on. That if mom could do this it was somehow ok

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 3:44 PM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

You are posting that a lion doesn't leave the lioness side, however the lion does. He goes around his territory marking his scent to protect it from invading lions and others.

I feel your pain, but I think you have her on a big pedestal. You guys need to approach the infidelity. It was not your mistake, she just chose too. You need to be sure that what you want is R, and you need time for that. You say it was just sex, but think about it she was putting you in danger of std's every time she went to the hotel. Are you sure they did not use the store?, etc. Before the R you need to know the truth, poly and ask if she ever wanted to leave you. And the way your son gets married woman, he learned from someone. Just saying, he is putting in pain other spouses if they find out, obviously is not his fault is the other spouses fault for not respecting their vows. Don't rugsweep and don't be scare of being alone.

Jimmy I see most if not all of your responders are men. I am not. And the love (minus the 5x thing/fling 20 years ago) sounds amazing, unusual, beautiful and precious. But your mind movies sound horrible. Im wondering if you've tried EMDR? Its a therapy that has proven very effective for trauma and given what you've described it might be really helpful. Essential to find a very experienced therapist--it's becoming popular and there are quite a few well meaning but only recently trained EMDR certifieds. I would make every effort to find a specialist who has been doing it for some time. There are also other approaches to trauma that you might want to look into. But again, you've described a very special relationship that was serious threatened, marred, sullied by your Ws poor choice, but sounds far from a relationship to throw away.

Wow! Some of the responses on here imply that my wife is a pathological lying whore. I guess everyone is judging by their own situations. My wife and I grew up together we were married when she was 17 we dated since she was 15. She made a bad mistake and I am going to deal with it. I have to deal with it. I know she's at fault. I know I'm not much to blame. A marriage is a lot like a garden you have to water it, fertilize it, you have to weed it, if you don't you'll end up with no vegetables and a big weed patch. I was not tending my marriage during that period like I should have. She is telling me that the sex was empty and hollow of course this is 20 years later that she is telling me. I'm sure it meant something at the time. I am sure that it was furniture crushing, blister causing, porn like sex. But her looking back at it now she says there's no way it was worth it. As far as trusting her, I do not have an issue with that. I trust her 1000%. There's no way she would ever do this and hurt me this bad again. You guys don't know me or my wife, but if you did you just would not have believed this could have happened to us. The comment about my son philandering around the way he does maybe being learned behavior from her is absurd. My son has been shocked and sickened by what has happened to us. He feels really bad for the things he has done. A little bit of fun can cause a whole lot of damage. I do not want a divorce, I do not want her to leave, I want to go on and get over this. She is in the process of writing me a story about the whole episode. She said it's been so long ago and a lot of things she doesn't really remember but sheis going to write down everything she can remember, and she's going to write it in a little story. She's going to tell me what positions, how many times, what was said, showers before, showers after, she's going to try to think of everything that happened and put it in one story that I can then take and multiply times five separate sessions, she said she will leave nothing out. She wants me to know everything so that a lie never comes up again. She is really trying to help me work through this. And we are going to work through this together, no matter what, or at least we are both going to try as hard as we can. She is ready to go to a marriage counselor or anything I want to do, she's ready.

There is something off here. If you have had a perfect marriage you would not have spent twenty years suspecting her to the point where you have to write her a letter to get the truth. Obviously this has been chipping at you for a long time and had to have affected you in a big way.

You may feel that you need to get past it because everything has been great for so long, but from my hard experience you will soon realize that the great sin against you was depriving you of options because she was more into self protection than caring about your well being. Everything was not great for so long.

My wife used to say glowingly about what a great marriage we had because it was based on truth and honesty. And she meant it. But it was one way. This was after she fucked a guy and got pregnant. And let me think it was mine for 5 years. Why? "Because you would have divorced me." See, it's all about her. This has been your life for 20 years.

And I got the it meant nothing to me too. I'm like, so you got naked, performed oral and let him enter you without protection because he meant nothing. That is absurd.

I got the sex wasn't that good too. I'm like, so that's why you did it multiple times. You see how crazy that is?

But, she loves you!

You can't will this away by declaring that you have to get over it. She has to put in a lot more work than you. And she better get on it or you will be in your black hole of pain for a very long time.

The comment about my son philandering around the way he does maybe being learned behavior from her is absurd. My son has been shocked and sickened by what has happened to us. He feels really bad for the things he has done. A little bit of fun can cause a whole lot of damage.

Jimmy1962

Your son is like your wife. They didn’t feel guilty about their actions until they saw the hurt on your face that cheating causes. They lacked empathy and didn’t think about the betrayed husband. Only now do they feel guilty but before it was fun and they went back for more.

Hopefully this is a wakeup call for your son.

I found out my husband had a 1 year affair 8 months ago. When does the pain end?when will the obsessive thoughts end.

I don't think your wife is a lying whore.

But I don't think she's the woman you want her to be either.

She may be very beautiful. But a classy woman doesn't have sex with another woman's husband.

She wasn't trapped. She called him. You said so. She left work and met up with him.

And she's been lying to you for twenty years.

You're wanting to rugsweep. Don't.

And a '15' that cheats is no longer a '15' and never will be again.

I saw a movie a while back titled "The Vow". In

it a young woman discovered that her father had

cheated on her mother and that her mother had

chose to stay with him. The young girl ask her

mother why didn't she leave him. The mother

replied, "I chose not to leave because of all

the good things he has done right and not the one

bad thing he did wrong."

My wife and I are still married (51 years) for

the same reason. Some people just don't have the

fortitude or ability to get past that one bad

thing. I'm happy for you that you do. I wish you

well.

I'm very confident that my wife really loves me. She made a mistake, and she is sorry for it. I have forgiven her completely. I just want these thoughts out of my mind. She wants to make our marriage work, and is willing to do whatever it takes. I know of a way to test her. We have a fantastic attorney. I am seriously thinking about going to him to get a divorce. I would like to take all of our assets and give them to her. I will leave with nothing but my clothes. If she loves me she'll take me back, and if she doesn't so be it.

Jimmy,

In reference to your last comment, I mean this in all sincerity and concern: have you been drinking?

Also: you keep referring to her behavior as a "mistake". A mistake is when the milk jug slips out of our hand and crashes to the floor. Her behavior was NOT a mistake. It was 5 fold (at least) betrayal at the deepest level humanly possible. It was the deliberate forsaking of vows, the deliberate breaking of the marriage covenant, the brutal rape & murder of the marriage.

I am not saying you can't forgive her and R, but you simply must stop minimizing the depth of her depravity. She needs to own it as well. Since it's in your heart to forgive, then forgive. But at least own what it is you're forgiving!

Jimmy,

Sorry to see you here among us.

Our story is.....crazy similar.

I'm married 30-years, we dated six years before that, taking us back to high school days.

My wife finally confessed to an affair from 20-years ago last summer. Her affair was four years -- started when she was pregnant with our youngest son.

We're surviving the horror show.

And despite stuff happening so long ago, understand your reactions will continue respond as if it all is new. I think it takes as long to process this as anyone going through a more recent betrayal.

Everyone here means well, they want you to protect you first.

That said, it IS a good sign that your wife is answering your questions. She didn't have to admit any of it and could have refused to answer the follow-up series of questions -- some will continue to pop up in your head too.

Her admission is that first step - gets you out of infidelity, next up is surviving it.

You'll get there.

Keep reading, keep posting.

Counseling can help too. Emotional trauma and shock are the next few weeks as you sort through this Hell.

I don't think I called your wife a whore. I never even thought that.

But she did make an awful decision that will change your perception of her forever.

That doesn't mean you can't have a great marriage going forward. But you can't just get a timeline from her and then forgive her and then say it is all now forgotten.

You both should get individual counseling to get through this tough time. If you do the work you can still have a satisfying albeit different marriage than before.

I don't understand your divorce comment but it seems like some kind of scheme. I don't like schemes. I recommend you think carefully about that if you were serious.

If you have specific questions about how to proceed, I and others will be glad to answer.

Otherwise I'll just leave it at that and wish you good luck as you seem to be getting irritated with people who are trying to help.

A few days ago, I found out she had an affair about 20 years ago.

She has never told a soul about this until right before she told me she told our son.

I have a couple of questions. First question... Why did your wife tell your son before she told you? That would piss me off immensly.

Second question... Why did she decide to not take this affair to the grave... why tell you now?

Don't let anyone tell you to just suck it up and forget it. This is real trauma. You've just been fed a 20 year old shit sandwich and they don't taste any better with age. Your going to have to process this through your head just like anybody else. Let your wife write her story. Read it then evaluate it. Take your time. Then ask your questions. Yes... you can get over this... but it's going to take time... to the tune of 2 to 5 years, minimum. You were robbed of making a decision 20 years ago. Your wife had plenty of time to think this through. You have a lot to process. Keep posting.

You keep dodgeing the question as to why you suspected something all these years.

Don't be a fool. Instead of running to a lawyer and giving everything away like my uncle did ( he lost a farm in the deal) just get her to take a polygraph. If your wife isn't lying that will be great. It will also be a first around here at least that I'm aware of. Cheaters become professional liars.

Also, folks aren't giving you advice based on just their experiences but the experiences of other they have seen here.

Everyone is here trying to help you with a shortcut through the pain.

The EMDR advice is excellent.

My take:

You wife, like many, became complacent. Maybe she was bored, maybe she fell down the slippery slope, or she thought this guy was a safe risk. Was she thinking, being a virgin, she had missed "experiences"?

I must agree, I find some of the responses a bit over the top, but I do understand this is new and raw to you, and others here, but this is a reconcilable marriage. A far as you know, (and we, being suspicious, all know that you may not know all that has happened) she has been a great wife and partner for all of that time, excepting this period.

You don't throw that away without good reason.

Only you can determine if her mistakes are enough to walk way at this point, or if you can overcome this challenge.

Chappie has a good question, what caused you to question this over the years, and what brought this up that exposed it? Did she confess out of guilt? Did you find evidence?

Jimmy1962 - "I know of a way to test her..."

Whoa! whoa! whoa! Hold on there! That's not a good plan Jimmy. There's no need for that.

She made bad choices a long time ago. Accept that she's remorseful and is 100% yours. Don't get crazy on us and make any bad unnecessary decisions.

Also, having her writing a story about her experiences and actions? You think you have terrible mind movies now? They will be multiplied if you go reading a novel about her endeavors.

Consider the consequences of going down these paths. They may both be destructive and unnecessary. Allow yourself to heal day by day and move on. Life is good and can get better. It may take months or even a year but you can get through this. It's not really necessary to add more trees to the fire.

Polygraph if you want to be sure that she's telling the truth. If she's telling you everything and there were no other instances of cheating then the results of the poly should help to put your mind at ease.

Don't make any rash decisions right now. Give your mind time to absorb this situation.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 2:36 PM, August 3rd (Thursday)]