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Twinsmom ( member #60303) posted at 5:29 AM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
I totally thought I had a happy marriage. Now looking back I realize that we had grown apart and we were living a little like roommates. I thought it was normal and how most couples our age lived. I was clueless. Now I know!!
Me: BS, 49 Him: WS, 52
3 Children
Married 26 yrs; DDay 7/4/17
LTA, Divorced 5/8/19
kbella ( member #53268) posted at 5:30 AM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
frankly, no. our marriage had significantly deteriorated. he had been laid off from his job at a national soda company (sales) and was totally unmotivated to get another job. basically sat in the garage and drank for about 6 weeks straight. all day every day. all my concerns and worries were not addressed by him whatsoever. might as well have been talking to a brick wall. this coincided with my oldest son turning 13 and wanting to go live with his father. which was the most devastating thing that had happened to me in my life (before this betrayal by H).
H then proceeded to get the job selling beer, which I knew already he was functioning alcoholic and the sense of foreboding I had was very heavy. sadly it was correct and our lives went into an immediate spiral straight to the pits of hell. along with his drinking becoming his #1 priority, apparently the whores came second priority. our children and myself didn't seem to even make the list. also he did not pay the mortgage for 2 months and I had to find out about that from a letter from the mortgage company.
so yes our marriage was in total disarray and shambles. im sorry and embarrassed to say.
me BS (41)
him WS (46)
3 kids
married 6/18/2009
dday 5/9/2016
Jesusismyanchor ( member #58708) posted at 5:44 AM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
Before the A I thought we were happy, I was. It could have been better but I thought we were pretty solid and had a good life. During the A some things were still good but we were struggling. It slowly started to kill our M. I knew something was off. We were fighting. We would 'try' to make things better but he wouldnt follow through. I was so confused. I just couldn't get through to him. I thought it was work stress or something.
Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future
HardenMyHeart ( member #15902) posted at 5:55 AM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
I thought we had a happy marriage. I would have done anything to make things right if I knew she was that unhappy with the marriage.
Me: BH, Her: WW, Married 40 years, Reconciled
Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 6:14 AM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
I thought we did. We were young at the time, scuffling with a newborn and tight budgets, but I was happy. My wife wasn't as happy as me for sure, but she does understand now she had far more options than she chose.
An unnecessary tragedy for sure.
Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca
kaygem ( member #57956) posted at 6:26 AM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
Reading these posts makes me cry. Really. It sounds just like me.
High school sweethearts, best friends, in love. Looked up to as the "best" marriage in our circles. married 29 years before he decided to go on AFF and chat and look for whores.
We had some hard things happen in our lives, but I was always comforted by the "great" marriage we had. My life was so hard growing up and I felt SO blessed that at least I had a wonderful H. He was always kind, never abusive, good dad, blah blah blah...
Nothing in all the universe could have prepared me for what happened. NOT MY HUSBAND! NEVER! I thought only Aholes cheated?? You know, the guys and gals who were obvious jerks IRL? How naïve I was, how stupid.
During the EI period our marriage was not as good. I chalked it up to his workaholism, financial difficulties, FOO issues... He was distant but still kind and sometimes loving. It got worse for the year before Dday though. But I stubbornly clung to my view that we were happily married. I now see that we weren't, really. More like roomates. I was clinging to the love of the past and projecting to the present because I couldn't accept what he had become. Distant, depressed and worst of all...indifferent.
So now I am in this club that I believed was only for those with "bad marriages". Because a guy that loved you would always love you, right? Wrong.
Me: BW
Him: fWH Remorseful, doing the work
Dday-3/17 (ONS's)
tessthemess ( member #56395) posted at 6:53 AM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
It's funny. My marriage wasn't great, but honestly I never thought he would cheat on me either.
Free Bird, 36. STBXH, 36
EA confirmed Nov. '16, PA exposed Dec 11, 2016.
No longer a mess.
Separated and heading towards D as of June 1, 2018.
"It's a good life if you don't weaken." - Gord Downie
OneInTheSame ( member #49854) posted at 8:35 AM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
We met in 1998, filed for registered domestic partnership in 2009, I think, because it was all that was available to us to help secure some rights (medical, inheritance, legal, etc.) and married in 2014. After 15+ years you would think we had worked out the kinks, especially since we had endured my serious health issues, her job loss because of it (we did not have FMLA protection), and other normal and not so normal trials and tribulations. In fact, we remarked many times during the planning of our little private, low-key ceremony that we thought we were pretty sure we would work out, because after all . . .
My wife has even told me that right before she left to go meet her ex-gf face-to-face for the first time since they reconnected on Facebook "I haven't even been married a year, and here I am, cheating . . . " WTF! And during our almost two years of fights, pain, attempts at reconciliation and healing, she deflected, saying she felt we had grown apart! That her life was becoming a nothing! "We didn't have a life" were her exact words . . .
So what the heck . . . why not just get married?
I made her a little slide show of photos from those years in which she said we didn't have a life. I set it to music that helped narrate it in context. She just sat there after she watched it . . . she had no words at first. Then she apologized and said it was pretty obvious she had a really good life. Grandkids being born (both born before our wedding day), vacations and travels, and new experiences, our beautiful flower gardens, and fun, and our pets, the holidays, community events, and on, and on . . .
Selfishness does terrible things with the affected person's memory. She risked a wonderful life thinking she had no life to speak of. I am so glad she finally woke up. It took over 12-18 months before I felt she was really showing signs of remorse and hard work. I felt like I died over and over and over again during that time.
Happy?
No, not always, but happy enough to say "I do" after all we had been through up to then. Happy? Apparently happy often enough that it was caught on camera over and over again. Happy? Much happier than we were during the darkest days following d-day.
"You don't know what you got 'till it's gone . . . " No, I never saw it coming . . . .
[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 2:44 AM, August 23rd (Wednesday)]
(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better
Daen26 ( member #58506) posted at 10:00 AM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
This whole post saddens me. I don't really know how to put this other then. I feel like my relationship with WH was forced at first and not great but over time together with family and friends love and respect for each other grew and I thought we had a great relationship. I felt more happy then I have ever felt in our relationship during the time of his affair.
We met young in college, we were together for a short while got pregnant and went into survival/adult mode. I am strong indenpendent and I have a great family with a support system and sadly my WH does not have these things. Not to say he isn't strong and independent and wouldn't be successful on his own but when we were 18 babies ourselves.... he needed me and my family.
Anyway we "made it" in my opinion. We both finished school both have careers, we married, have a home, kids.
I trusted him and remember saying many times I think we are so good because our trust and respect for each other. He would say "we're so good because we agree on all the major/important things in life." Our jobs,school,schedule made us be away from each other often. We worked opposite schedules or one was busy with school. This whole time I just remember growing more and more fond of my husband. 2016 I started a new job so I could be on a normal work schedule. Mom-fri weekends off. He started his new job a few months later. Same hours. We should be good right. Wrong this job he met AP.
I'm sad because when your forced to look at your relationship I know we both have faults. I know I could have done things differently. Regardless good or bad no one deserves this type of betrayal.
BS-27 (me)
WS-28 (him)
pregnant while WH had 2months EA turned PA “2x” with continued texting. Discovered EA 12/16. Full Truth 1/17
destroyed1 ( member #56901) posted at 10:30 AM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
we had a great M until the ego kibbles started to flow from OM
Me - BH 51, 2 kids, married 30 yrs
The things that you want in life are impossible to achieve if your energy is flowing in the opposite direction.
Onthejourney ( member #55623) posted at 11:21 AM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
Like many others here, we had a very loving and happy M. We weren't perfect and had our ups and downs but it was more about what life was throwing at us. I never doubted my WH love or loyalty. I felt he was my safe place in the world. I too was completely blindsided even though I felt something was off.
My WH started becoming emotionally distant before the A, his father passed, he had health issues, we had infertility issues, financial worries- the normal life stuff that can really get you down.
In hindsight I never really knew how messed up my WH was, how depressed he was, how much he avoided conflict, how he self medicated with material possessions and how many unresolved FOO issues he had. How capable he was of being selfish and a liar.
No our M wasn't perfect but I don't blame our M for his A, I blame his issues, his poor coping skills and his ability to be self destructive. His selfish and deceptive nature that allowed him make awful choices.
Can we improve our M and be more authentic, we can try and I can take accountability for my part but essentially he needs to sort his shit out. This is on him.
But maybe this is why I choose to R because I know how happy we can be and if we work hard enough maybe we can be again but with a more authentic and honest M and with a healthier H. Time will tell.
I really enjoyed reading this post it made me quite emotional to hear others stories.
[This message edited by Onthejourney at 5:37 AM, August 23rd (Wednesday)]
DDay Aug 2016
BW: (me) 40 WH: 51
M: 7 years T: 9 years
4 month EA/PA
Drachenmeister ( new member #60254) posted at 11:43 AM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
There were no problems apart from my Wayward arrogance, attention addiction and her overblown ego.
skim4milk ( member #59161) posted at 1:01 PM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
No, we did not. We did early in our marriage. We were your typical parents who put too much into our kids. Travel hockey in the winter and travel baseball in the summer forced us to go our separate ways for many years. We were happy in that we were just existing together. It's still hard for me to accept and even harder to type it out......but, I'm not sure our marriage would have survived had we not had his affair happen to wake us BOTH up. It some ways I truly believed it saved our marriage. God I hate typing that, but that is the reality of it all.
Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 23 years
Three teenage sons
DDAY: October 26th, 2016
Working on recovery day by day
"The best way out is always through"
Robert Frost
Randy1133 ( member #54958) posted at 1:37 PM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
In the beginning maybe, but we were two very different people with different values and it became even more exaggerated as the marriage went on. We never fought much beside her occasional outbursts, but we became more like roommates instead of a couple as the marriage dragged on.
I'm not sure we would have ever got married if it wasn't for the surprise pregnancy a few months after we met. Even before, we moved fast, but still. There wasn't much of a vetting period or honeymoon period, we kind of jumped into it all and I thought we could make it work. The romance kind of flickered out towards the middle of the marriage and it became kind of marriage of convenience. I wasn't the least bit surprised when I learned she was cheating. I always knew she was capable.
Dday: May/Aug 2016
Divorced
'Even in a toothache there is enjoyment'- Dostoyevsky
1survivor ( member #49999) posted at 1:55 PM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
No we did not. My wife is conflict avoidant. Tried to bring up issues but never resolved anything. Intimacy was almost nonexistent. We went almost a year without physical contact , it was her choice. I got resentful and went about doing my own thing.
She started getting secretive and eventually discovered her affair. She broke it off and immediately wanted to work on the marriage. We went through counseling and worked on our problems in the marriage as well as her problems.
Today we are in a much better place .
TrustedHer ( member #23328) posted at 2:12 PM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
I had a marriage. You know, good times, bad times, stick it out. It's what you do, and it's as good as it gets.
I assumed that even though I wasn't happy, it would get better when the kids moved out and we could reconnect.
She had other ideas.
Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.
Beachgirl528 ( member #52211) posted at 2:23 PM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
I was married 27 years and we were together 30 years. I thought we were living the dream. What I didn't realize was I was married to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He had 2 lives. Our life that I believed was a wonderful marriage and a secret life of multiple women. I'm an educated woman and consider myself to have ample common sense. But my ExWH totally had me fooled. I was blindsided by his secret world. I was devastated totally and completely.
But for those at the beginning of discovery let me say that there is hope. Focus on yourself and you will work through the darkness and come into your own light. I'm happier today than I ever have been.
Married 27 years
Me: 49 Ex SAWH 49
2 daughters ages 27 and 23
DD#1 2003 EA, DD#2 2014 discovery of 4 PA partners and 25+ EA partners.
Divorced 2017
thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 2:28 PM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
I was very much in love with my XWW. I thought we had it all- a nice little house on an acre, new cars, happy daughter, spent a lot of time together... but deep down she wanted more. That's why my second wife and I have a totally different approach to our marriage.
[This message edited by thatbpguy at 8:29 AM, August 23rd (Wednesday)]
ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman
"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...
Jesusismyanchor ( member #58708) posted at 2:34 PM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
This thread is pretty sad. So many of us did not expect this tragedy in our M because it should not have happened. The bottom line for me I guess is that regardless is happiness II actually felt safe and secure. I was wrong.
Because I am a person of faith. I will say the Lord protected me when my H didn't.
Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future
redfury ( member #58256) posted at 2:45 PM on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
No, but I thought it shouldbe. We were always very supportive of each other, had the same interests and the same beliefs, an amazing sex life. We seem to be on the same page about everything. So I questioned why I always had this nagging feeling that something was wrong. I didn't understand why I was so unhappy. He told me it was all in my head, and I chose to believe him. I went to counselors. I went to psychiatrist and got on antidepressants. All trying to figure out why I couldn't just be happy. Turns out it was never me. Finding out about his cheating was actually kind of a relief because it proved I wasn't crazy.
Co-d BW, 40
Divorced
D-days: 4-20-2016 and so many more
Recovery is ongoing, I'm doing better every day
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