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PlanNine I don't think I said anything about them being unsupervised. My four year old will go to preschool 3x/week for 4 hours a day. The rest of the day while I am at work, she will be with him. And she will also pick up my 2nd grader from school mid afternoon. Then, when I get out of work, on my days, I will have both of the kids.

I see. Sorry for the misunderstanding, but the term "latchkey" implies unsupervised, so my dad-brain kicked in on that

I was in much the same situation. I knew and was married to my exWW for slightly longer, but our kids were about the same age. I saw the same slow deterioration of the marriage, especially after the youngest was born. Got the same "never really loved you" shtick. And like you, became a victim of the same classic exit-affair. So I understand exactly where you're coming from. I won't say this type of affair is any better or worse than another, but it does have its own unique flavor of suck.

Please see a lawyer. You can still do a cooperative divorce if you wish, but even so, it's best to do so with full knowledge of your rights and obligations. And as others have said, you need not even tell her you're doing so. In fact, you are under no obligation whatsoever to disclose any of your plans. Best not to, in fact. Make no mistake...even if an amicable agreement is the best course, you need to take precautions as though you were dealing with your worst enemy.

And please do your level best to find out who the OM is. If she's thinking of introducing this person to your children, you have every right to know. And if OM is married/attached, his betrayed spouse/girlfriend has every right to know also. It's not a revenge thing, it's a human decency thing (although there's nothing wrong with enjoying any incidental satisfaction you might get from blowing up their fantasy world).

[This message edited by PlanNine at 2:39 PM, September 5th (Tuesday)]

So i should become a detective? I told her I didn't want anyone around the kids, and she said she wouldn't "for a while". I should try to find out if he's married?

So i should become a detective? I told her I didn't want anyone around the kids, and she said she wouldn't "for a while". I should try to find out if he's married?

Yes and yes. As far as what she says, trust nothing.

[This message edited by PlanNine at 2:50 PM, September 5th (Tuesday)]

She and I both want to keep it civil without lawyers, and right now she is claiming she wants to settle it without going after my assets (retirement and house equity), she only wants enough to live on for a year until our youngest son enters kindergarten.

If you both can work this out and hammer out an agreement together, you can do a no contest divorce. They usually are $1500 to $2000. You just tell a lawyer how you want to divide the assets and the custody schedule and they write it up. This is what I did. The turn around was about a week and then we signed it. After a couple months the judge signed off and that was it. If you both can be amicable through this, its definately the way to go for costs. You can do a DIY divorce, but with kids involved, I'd rather make sure all my i's were dotted.

By all means find out who the OM is. Don't assume anything except that everything your WW says is a lie until it can be verified. For instance if the OM is married he could be looking into doing the same thing which means he may have a wife who would be a fourth party of interest. Don't make the mistake of assuming you are on the privy of all thats going on. That would be a bad mistake. This could get complicated very quickly. One domino falls they all fall. I am highly suspect that this is all on the up and up. If it sounds too good to be true it usually is. I think I would still run it all by a lawyer first.

So i should become a detective? I told her I didn't want anyone around the kids, and she said she wouldn't "for a while". I should try to find out if he's married?

Well, I guess it doesn't hurt to ask her if you know nothing about him. You can probably figure out his number from your phone bill and do a google search on it. I never could find shit about my X's AP even with a phone number, though. The only thing you gain by knowing he is married, is he will likely stay with his wife over his AP (your wife), meaning he won't ever be in your kids life, so in that sense it could be good to expose eventually... But, you need to play this smart.

I'd say if you were looking towards reconciliation then exposing their ass is typically the way to go. Kind of blows up their world, the OM is outed to their spouse and your wife usually gets dumped/ghosted and she hits ground in the real world again. In some cases it works, in others it just makes them pissed off and you get divorced anyways (not very amicably).

It sounds like your wife had an exit affair and is pretty much set on divorce. Here is where you need to be smart. If you are looking to have an amicable divorce, it could very well upset her generousness, so I would say wait until the D is over or atleast till she signs the papers. Then do whatever the fuck you want. Protect you and your kids first.

First, I'm so sorry you find yourself here - but, if this had to happen, this is the best support place there is - and the best advice. Take it.

My only advice, still see a lawyer. You have assets to be divided and children to consider - you need to be well informed on the best route to do so. This is an emotional process - you will hit your anger at some point - it's best to protect yourself and your children from the get go - less regret later.

If you are able to still come up with a consentual agreement - great. At least you are clearly aware of all of the options.

As for her, expect she will change her perspective - or if you choose not to expect it - still be prepared for the possibility. I hope it's not needed - but better to be prepared.

Wish you all the best and please keep posting.

It sounds like your wife had an exit affair and is pretty much set on divorce. Here is where you need to be smart. If you are looking to have an amicable divorce, it could very well upset her generousness, so I would say wait until the D is over or atleast till she signs the papers. Then do whatever the fuck you want. Protect you and your kids first.

^^^ This.

Play the long game my friend.

I agree with the folks here who are advocating a quick settlement with her. Even though the terms suck, they are the best they will be right now when she has a small amount of guilt. Once friends and family start chiming in to her how she should get more, things will be even worse.

Strike a deal now.

I could have written your post. My husband did all of the things your wife did (except his affair was longer) and I did all the things you did.

The pain is unimaginable. There's nothing like it. (Except the loss of a child, I am sure)

I want a girlfriend now, haha. I know that's stupid and unhealthy and there are 100 reasons why it's a bad idea without healing at least a little first. Just being honest with my emotions though. Did you have the same feeling so soon?

Bardo, you gotta ask yourself "why" you want a companion now other than your own WW. My best guess is that there is a void in you that your WW abruptly vacated and it hurts like hell. If that is the case I had that void, too. But at that time I only wanted my wife back...before I found out about the A. After the finding out about her A I was more paranoid than in need of someone. I felt that everyone else around was in on a cruel joke that I didn't know about until the end. After that, I didn't want a relationship so I let go all expectations of having another woman in my life. But at the same time, I read voraciuously through books and articles, watched videos and listened to audios on relationships and infidelity. It was like trying to find the black box after the marraige crashed and burned and analyzing the data. I wanted to know what, when, where and the why. I wanted to make sure it didn't happene again before I embark on another relationship. What I come to realize is that often times the cheating spouse simply isn't who we thought that were. We were in love with the "idea" of who they were. In your case I think Randy is right in that it sounds like you your WW is a "walk away wife" who had an exit affair. There is no talking down such a wife from the ledge of divorce. She has already decided a long time ago so let her jump. She just fed her rationalization hamster just enough that she finally overcame her guilt to tell you she is done. Believe her on this.

However, DO NOT belive her on the talk of D and how to handle it. One of the first common things that WS tell their BS is that want "time and space" to figure things out. This is code for "I want to test drive the relationship with my AP first before I fully move on, but I need you on the backburner just in case." Thus, you are left in limbo. Your WW is basically saying the same thing with waiting a year first before getting a full time job. She wants your monetary and logistical support while she dates her AP, waiting to see if he will have her move in with him with assurance that they will be together. I strongly advise you talk to a couple of attorneys and describe your situation but do so silently. We sometimes tell JFO to go to as many attorneys as possible that give free consults because your WW can't hire them after they have talked with you due to conflict of interest. Aynway, something smells fishy with her "conditions" and it may be with setting precedence in her favor with regard to assets and/or custody.

But for the duration let her have what she wants and play along. It is your resisitance to give her what she wants that fuels her desire to leave the M. If she starts to balk at leaving and tells you she might consider staying if you are willing to "change" (which BTW is bullshit) just respond by saying "I might possibly consider that discussion but only if you finished with your affair. Otherwise, it is pointless to fix any relationship with three people in it. Anyway, you might want to hurry and pack. Your AP might be worried you are having second thoughts."

But for the time being, don't go on dates. That may actually hurt you in your D and nullify any advantage you might have in proving your WW's A. Besides, it will really screw with your kids' minds. Get your WW out of the home first, file for D, start your healing then shoot for 6 months to a year from now to take a gauge on you are progressing with a social mixer first before you go full on date with anyone person. Hell, a double date would do better with a friend.

Well everyone, I came home from work and went into pathetic mode again. I begged her to reconsider if there was a chance, begged her to consider MC. Keep in mind she shows little remorse at all for what she DID, only says she feels bad for hurting me. Also keep in mind that at no point has she said there is any hope. She says the opposite. She checked out a long time ago and that's it. Then I instantly go into anger mode and berate her for what she did, telling her she ruined me for life, etc. She sometimes cries but otherwise just stares into space.

"Exit affair", a new term I learned. That's exactly what this is. She even described it as such in so many words.

I HAVE RESOLVED! No more begging. No more berating. I've done that enough, 4 days worth. From here on out I will be strong and only speak to her about our arrangements and kids. I can do this, with the help of my new friends on SI! Thank you all. I still feel awful but maybe tonight I'm feeling 0.1% less awful :)

Ok. It's time to be done with the hoping and the begging. You pleaded your case and she wasn't having it. It won't work the next time either. So don't do it.

Have you read The 180 from the healing library here? If not please do so and implement it fully. It's for you. You can do this.

Then move quickly to get the best D deal you can while she still feels bad.

You don't know what the future holds either way. But you can control only what you do and only you. So focus on you and the kids. That's it.

We're here if you need us.

Thank god you have desided to stop begging and crying infront of her.

Chicks dig confident men...so please...JUST LET HER GO! (it might save your marriage)

Show her a man that is confident in letting her go and a man that can find a loyal women that you don't have to share with another man.(fake it until you make it)

Please stop the "pick me dance" and distance your self emotionally. In her mind you aren't going any were so please get her to at least second guess her choices by just letting her go.

BTW.... the "boyfriend" is the #1 person to sexually abuse a child....more the a baby siiter, boy scout troop leader....hell even a priest.

So ya you better find out who the phuck this "boyfriend is!!!

Figure this POS is going to be around your kids in the future.

Your kids are counting on you to protect them....Your old lady cares about one thing right now...getting laid and the wellfare of her kids is the least of her concerns.

This new guy can do no wrong. It is up to you to take it upon your self that this POS ISN'T AFTER YOUR KIDS!!!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 9:35 PM, September 5th (Tuesday)]

#1 distance your self from old lady. You can get her to think twice about losing you when you go cry in the garage like the rest of us and show her you dont need her or want her around.

#2 find out with out talking to your old lady who the hell the OM is and pay the money and getting his back ground checked.

Hell spend the money to find out who this guy.

What if the OM is married?

Then you find this OM's wife and you expose the affair to her and OM dumps your old lady to save his own marriage?

This OM could be playing your wife?

Beside protecting you kids, there are all kinds of reasons to find out who OM is.

In short its for your own good in getting to the bottom of who OM is.

I wonder how much money has spent on OM?

What's your bank statement tell you about what your old lady is spending?

In short you have a lot of work to do in protacting your self and the kids. Your old lady is gone! Time shift gears and protect the rest of your family.

Knowledge is power, get control of this by letting your old lady lives in the land of rainbows all the while you get your shyt together.

Make a plan and work the plan.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I remember when I first found out how unbearable the pain was and that I thought the only way out was suicide.

People in this forum told me I was going to be OK and that I will be happy again but I didn't believe them.

It took me more time than I imagined to be OK again but I survived and 3 years later I am grateful That i found out who he really was.

And now I say the same to you: I understand your pain and I wish you weren't suffering like this but you WILL BE OK no matter how much it hurts now.

And you will survive this.

Keep reading and posting. The people in truly a treasure.

Hugs

LMM

Having gone through this its so easy to focuse on the pain, all the while your old lady is taking out credit cards without your knowledge and spening your money for her affair.

Now you gotta go down and get checked for STD's

You have a lot on your plate... the time for crying and begging is over!

Look up the "180" it is meant to help you focus on the things that will help you avoid the emotional torture you are currently going though.

This is not the same women you married and raised your kids. Her capacity to sleep with OM has change everything you thought she was capable of.

In short a good mother doesn't betray her kids father. This new women is capable of anything so please protect your self.

You have no idea who the OM is...it could be your best friend or even your own brother....you just don't know.

So please dust your self off and get busy in protecting your self emotionally,financially,physically and your kids.

There is work to be done so get to it.

For what its worth some folks believe that making the affair as uncomfortable and as inconvenient as possible is one approach. Some folks think give her what she wants and get out with the least financial impact as possibly while the wayward is in fantasyland.

Either way you have to protect you!

As many have said go for the amicable divorce if you can, but don't be surprised if once the ball is rolling she starts getting greedy. That's why you need a lawyer for advice and at the ready for a court divorce. If she does get greedy/nasty you'd be wise to document her drinking incessantly and use that and the infidelity against her to try to get full custody.

Hello everyone, I am in a dark place again after having started to feel like the fog was lifting. I need to know if my expectations are realistic and my behavior is delusional.

To sum up: we're getting a D. She wants it badly, and I (finally) have come to terms that I want it too, despite being happy as recently as a week ago before DDay. Things are so awful at our house - it is a war zone, with constant fighting and crying, and our two little boys are VERY aware something is wrong. I need to change that, for them, and I will.

For the next few weeks or so, we have no choice but to live together. I've accepted how awful it will be, but I know her leaving will be a huge step for my healing process which has only just begun. I asked her a few days if she would - out of respect for me and the 13 years we've shared - NOT carry on with her affair while living here.

To set this up, I am an utter mess thinking about her being with another man. The thought is so wrenching that I'm almost at the edge of not functioning. I gave her two choices: a) leave every night and don't come home (carry on with affair) until the next morning to help take the kids to school or b) stick around in the evenings before sleeping on the couch. My reasoning is if she doesn't come home, I can at least rationalize myself to sleep instead of waiting for her car to pull in the driveway. I'm weak right now, and that's what I'm doing, waiting for her to come home so I KNOW at that point she's not carrying on with him. If she stays out until the next morning it's "out of sight, out of mind".

I know she, legally, can do what she pleases, and that this house is 1/2 hers for the time being. But I'm asking this favor of her, for my own sanity, as perhaps a parting thank you for 13 years of happiness, two children, trips around the world, stability and love. She has ruined me with the cheating, and at this point I'm just trying to function. I have a good job, am paid well, and I need my job more than ever at this point, because my expenses are about to increase in a BIG way.

Last night at 7pm she said she was leaving to go to her female friend's house for support. Before she left, she got the house cleaned up but asked if I'd put the kids to bed. She said she'd split a bottle of wine with her and then be home relatively early. (I know I sound ridiculous right now, thinking I can make demands of her behavior, but this is a FAVOR I'm asking of her, for my own sanity and to atone for ruining my life). Well, midnight rolled around, then 1AM, when she finally rolled in. At that point I know. This morning I confronted her and she immediately admitted she was with OM. She said she did it because it's not just a hookup for her, that she has feelings for him and needed support. I lost it. Went nuts as I felt the dagger twisting in me. My 7 year old came in to the kitchen and demanded to know what was going on. I hugged him and told him we were just fighting about money or something. I asked her to leave every night from here on out and not to come home until the next morning. She said she would but I can hardly believe anything she says.

I am looking for some guidance on how to carry on living with your STBXW while she carries on an affair. This agreement has been the only thing I can think of to keep me off the edge. I NEED to function, to hold down my job/income, to be able to sleep more than 3 hours per night. That's all I want at this point. Advice please?????????

[This message edited by bardo at 7:48 AM, September 6th (Wednesday)]