SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello there Jameson!!!

I'm gonna follow this post,

It's been 2 weeks since day day. Had several discussion and I still have sleepless nights where my boss told me to take some days off. So I did to get my head straight and calm down. That doesn't mean the movies, enxiaty attacks, loneliness feelings completely stopped. I'm still dealing with those thing. For the first time in my life I actually feel my heart pumping and I don't know if is a normal thing maybe because right now I'm more attached to my emotions but I can feel my heart pumping all day long. Even when I try to sleep between 12-2am when I have to be up by 6am. But I am with you, I hate that my WW can roll over and go to sleep like nothing while I'm here dealing with all the mix terrible emotions. Since DDay she has only said sorry once and that I I got from her. She hates it when I bring up the conversation about the A. So I'm trying to learn to give it sometime between comvos and I should write the thought that come across so I won't forget. That is a really good idea, yu should do it as well.

I don't know if this helps or maybe I'm doing something wrong, but I'm the nights when I can't sleep I usually hug her and hold her tight and she gets close to me as well. So far for the past 4 days after our last comvo before I almost kick her out if she didn't commit 100% we have had a great weekend with great normal conversation and great intimate time in the night when I start feeling bad. I don't tell her anything about how I feel but she does not deny me and hugs me and kisses me. I'm a away it does make me feel safe and secure and that she is trying. (Plus it makes me feel like she is mine again and not my ex best closed friend) but even thru all of that, I still hates that she can go to sleep like nothing.

Keep on holding on Jameson, I'm here right by your side.

Hey Thefighter, I've followed your posts as well and can't tell you how sorry I am for you. Your best friend, God that makes it even harder to deal with. My WW is able to sleep like a baby because all the crap she was keeping to herself has been downloaded to me! It does get "better", but it sounds like our WW's are both afraid to initiate discussions. I have and continue to do this but my WW knows she needs to do this for us to heal. Only took 2+ years!! If I can do anything for you man, let me know it's great to be able to talk to people that have gone through the same shit!

It difinetly hard.

We as well are high school sweet hearths. I my mind I though we were special. You know, never slept with no one else. I was her only one and she was my only one until some other fucking guy got to enjoy her and took adventage of the times that her an I were having some problems. I even told him and his wife that if my wife needed some advise that she should go to her instead of him because of reasons like this. our biggest argument was because I felt like she wanted to spend more time with them and not me. She made me feel like I was the bad guy and the shit happens. And she can still sleep like a baby. I will never understand it.

But I hope that the last discussion we had on Thursday night woke her up a bit. One saying that they have here is that in order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to loose it.

I'm at that point where if I have to give her up because she doesn't want to fully committ than I'm ready to do it. But I'm gonna wait another week or so till we have another talk.

I do have a question for you since you mention the movies. What do you think, should I ask the actual details. According to her they only had sex once. Before it was just kissing.

They had sex in the back seat of the truck I gave her ( this hurt)

Where my two kids seat and ride ever day. But I don't know if I want to k ow the dirty detail or not. Because my imagination also kills me. I know that it always hurts opening the back door to out my kids on her booster seat because of the thoughts. What do you thin no that you have been told the dirty details?

Yeah, I went back and forth on the gory details. I was imagining things and finally decided I wanted details. Be very sure you want them, they will hurt no matter what, but I feel I do "know" what happened. She did stuff with him I would never ask for. He is into domination type shit and she just recently told me she didn't want to do what he asked but did it anyway. I needed to know, I wanted nothing to be in the dark. It also showed my WW how trashy she was being, a bit of shaming, I know it was very hard for her to tell me the details.

Let me ask you something.

Would you go head and read my story. It will make a bit more sense.

The main question to you abf hopefully someone else can jump into this comvo.

When we were having problems and arguing after those 3 weeks, she told me she started feeling distant specially because I would spend most of the day at work and she would stay home. So now after the A after I confronted her, she told me she doesn't love me like she use to.

Do you think is because of the OM being there for her abf she started falling for him? So he besically took that place.

Or do you think she can be confuse and there is still love in there for me?

Did your wife ever told you that she didn't feel the same for you after the A?

Hey Fighter, I did read your story and posts. My WW's A was "over" for about 2 years on Dday.

At this point, she did not have feelings for the OM. I did ask at the time that if I had caught her mid-A, would her response (i.e. wanting R without hesitation) be any different. She doesn't know, which tells me that there is a possibility that her response would have been different.

She does tell me that she didn't want to leave me and my son, the home and life we built, etc. She suffers from clinical depression and at the time of the A, she had lost her Grandma, her dad a month later and a bunch of other "stuff" and she was looking for something positive....enter douche bag OM. He wanted a piece of ass and nothing more, but she talked about her problems with him and he was sooo supportive, blah blah, then once he got what he wanted, he was done with her, until he wanted more. She is so much smarter than this, and admitted to me that if anyone had detailed the same story, she would have told them to run, and yet, she ran right to him.

With your situation, I can understand your W being lonely, and becoming detached with you and finding someone to confide in, but there is NEVER an excuse to cheat, NEVER.

Honestly, the quickest way to push her to make a decision would be to file for D. You can always cancel it, but the shock of the possibility might snap her back to reality. Doing the pick me dance will do nothing but show her she is in control. I can't answer if your wife still loves you or not. Only she knows this. Filing for D might push her to make a decision.

I did a lot of things wrong on and after Dday. I was all over the place with my emotions and anger. You haven't had much time at all to deal with this life changing event.

You can have a look at my WW's profile (only one post - Nedia1978) but gives her side of the story. It reads like a remorseful W but keep in mind, I got the full truth months after she posted on SI, so when I read it, I remember that she was still lying to me. Her A's were not exit affairs. After 2 years, it really just comes down to the OM wanted sex, so did she at the time, so she did it. No thought about me, our family, repercussions, etc.

You WW might have done this as an exit A, in which case, filing for D might not yield the the response you want, but at least you will know where you stand.

Please feel free to PM me and we can discuss things if you ever want to.

Hi Jameson

We often discuss here what our WS’s are NOT doing in the fight to R. But I was wondering what your is doing.

And by that I mean what is she doing to make you feel desired by her. How is she dating you. What does she do to show you that she cares about you and is crazy for you

While I know the important things are staying NC w POSOM, being open with electronics, going to IC and staying away from OTher Men, my question is how does she go out of her way to win your heart back?

Does she plan date nights alone with you? Does she initiate intimacy? Does she plan vacations for the two of you reconnect?

How does she work to make new memories with you to show you she cares?

The SI steps to R are important, but easily as important is her taking steps to actually win your heart, as if you were a prize which she desired and worked to win.

Life after the A can’t all be about the A. Sometimes the WS has to make gestures,small or grand, outside of normal R steps to try and break thru the walls justifiably built around the BS’s spouse.

Filing for D might push her to make a decision.

Sometimes a WS needs to see waht they will lose before the gravity of the situation motivates them to do their part.

In all honesty Jameson1977, I think it something you should consider too. She is keeping the status quo because it is easier on her than facing her demons. After some time she will change to it is ,"in the past." Classic rug sweeping if you ask me.

LyraM posted:

What have you tried to improve your sleep? Is it true insomnia or the thoughts running through your head?

I would like to suggest warm milk, a bath, and Lavendel oil. There are also tea blends you could try. I wish you all the best.

Wow! Just Wow! Why didn't I think of "warm milk"

I stuck a gun in my mouth, (the only reason that I did not pull the trigger is because I wondered who all would have to see the mess) I have drank gallons of whiskey, and cases of beer to no avail.

Warm milk, and few lavender candles should have me fixed!

WTF was I thinking?

It's always super helpful to bump a post from 3 months ago to add a snarky, sarcastic comment.

Also, LyraM's suggestions stem from the fact that Jameson (the thread starter) is 3+ years from D-day. Obviously this means he will be in a different place, healing-wise, than you would be at a few months out.