SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If she has cut you off sexually that means she is being faithful to someone else. Hiding her phone is a sure sign of an affair. Not being transparent with her phone ,texts , emails, etc. is a marriage killer.

The only way you save this is if she quits her job and lets you see everything.

Going out with coworkers BS. Shes dating him. You aren't invited? Ridiculous .

Tell her what you need or its divorce. Do not give an ultimatum you cannot follow through. But nothing you've said indicates she has any love left for you.

She says she found him a girlfriend. Believe nothing you can't verify. She has already lied straight to your face.

Shock and awe may work. Being nice never does.

All the red flags are there.

Disarm her by acting your normal self (tough to do).

Then VAR, GPS, PI (especially for the times she goes out).

Bring this to ground otherwise you drive yourself crazy courtesy of her gas lighting.

just an emotional issue

A duck is a duck. An affair is an affair - emotional or physical. She is expending emotional energy outside of the M. Not cool.

I believe there is software where you can get transcripts of the texts...but I am not tech savvy so someone may be able to steer you in the right direction.

Tell her you want her to take a polygraph. Watch her reaction...

she may not fully understand what my expectations are from our marriage

You may be right, but if she is hiding it from you, she knows that you don't approve of what IS happening.

Just tell her to make you feel better about the situation, you'd like to go out on a double date. Dollars to donuts, the guy's GF doesn't exist.

is there ANY chance this was just an emotional issue and nothing more? Is it possible she just got a little carried away?

Sure. Seriously, there's about a 1/100 chance that it was "just emotional." Almost irrelevant if you let yourself think deeply enough about it, but yeah, there's a small chance.

The big, big, big issue here has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with trust, honesty, betrayal, commitment, and your own reality.

You're in an awful place and most of us have been there. I think you want us to find a way to tell you that things aren't what they seem. I'm sorry. They are. You didn't ask for this, but here you are. You're in a new world -- a new life -- now.

You do have some options to get through this. Saving your marriage in the process is possible but not guaranteed or required.

1) You can do something. You can proceed toward divorce. Pick up the papers today, let her know you're filling them out and filing. See a lawyer, get some advice. Know your rights. You can always stop this process if she changes, but if she wants a boyfriend, why would you want her as your wife?

2) You can just share her. Accept being a cuckold. Pretend it was "just emotional." We call it rug-sweeping around here, but you can call it whatever you want. You can know in your heart that your wife is lying, feel a little tinge every time she hides her phone or goes out with "work friends," but you'll get to live in the same house and share a bank account. She'll carry on her affair with a little more secrecy, or maybe start a new one, who knows?

3) Your wife can bend over backward and give you 150% effort in coming clean, helping you heal, leaving her job, etc. Spend 2-5 years working on this with a shared goal, and then MAYBE, if you allow it and can actually do it, you can "save" your marriage and the two of you can reconcile. It won't be easy and it's not a guarantee. The affair will always be a part of the story of your marriage, but it is "possible." That requires a lot of effort on your wife's part and *you* can't make it happen alone.

Again, I know this is a lot! It sucks but you need to get this info in you.

There are specific steps you need to take for the divorce option, and you can do that all by yourself. There are others you can take for the reconciliation option, but you *can't* do that by yourself -- it won't work. Or you can just do #2 without doing anything special.

Wouldn't you agree that #2 is the scariest, worst option of all?

Ok guys...so this may just sound like a stupid question at this point...based on what I've told you so far...is there ANY chance this was just an emotional issue and nothing more? Is it possible she just got a little carried away?

Yes it is possible that it is just emotional at this time. Is that okay with you? Does it make a big difference if it is not physical? People are different about that but one thing for sure is that if it isn't physical yet it is on the way and close.

And another question...do I give her a chance? IE - she must come full clean of course...and I suppose there would be an ultimatum...

That is entirely up to you which should make you feel empowered. You get to decide what you want to do here and what you will offer. You get to decide what is acceptable to you. Think long and hard about what you want and what you think the boundaries should be in your marriage. You don't want to issue any ultimatum that you aren't willing to enforce. I'm not sure I would even characterize it that way. What you have right now is enough to know that their relationship is inappropriate and if this is not something you can live with then I think tell her. Obviously from the exchange you saw they know that they need to hide what they say from you and it is not professional.

is there ANY chance this was just an emotional issue and nothing more?

Of course that is possible, but IMO, not likely at this point.

He is a co-worker, so they are in daily contact.

Texting 10 times a day.

She lied about quitting the texting.

She's hiding and protecting her phone ( big red flag)

You have no idea how long this has been going on.

In some larger companies, cheating is considered normal behavior, everybody does it and the environment actually encourages it.

The remarks you listed support that this has gone further.

Her: my husband found out. my jaw hit the flooor

Him: OMG

Him: was he able to read anything

her: i don't think so

Sorry to inform you of this, but it happened to me and I was completed blind sided by an affair that had been going on for 7 years in my case.

I've been here over 10 yrs and I've seen it all, so I'll stick with the 90% chance. I hope you make a liar out of me! If you can get her phone, assuming she has deleted everything incriminating, you might try a Dr Fone, as some have had good luck recovering text messages and such with it.

For the record, my fWW was getting her fun with him at lunch, in his van in the park!

Dollars to donuts, the guy's GF doesn't exist.

I thought the same thing. In fact what I was thinking was that your wife was playing a small sick joke on you when she told you she introduced him to his current GF it was kind of a joke because in a way she did because she is that GF.

he isn't married and she claims that she set HIM up with his new GF.

Maybe she did. Maybe it's her.

edit (beenthere beat me to that one)

[This message edited by twisted at 9:48 AM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

Ok guys...so this may just sound like a stupid question at this point...based on what I've told you so far...is there ANY chance this was just an emotional issue and nothing more? Is it possible she just got a little carried away?

I would say that the chances this was just an emotional issue are absolutely zero.

But that's just based on my personal experience.

is there ANY chance this was just an emotional issue and nothing more? Is it possible she just got a little carried away?

Absolutely. Just because it is suggested that this may be a physical affair, does not make it so.

But what you DO have, at the minimum, IMHO, is poor boundaries and poor behavior. She is yor WIFE. Communication between the two of you should be free flowing. Why would looking at her phone be so dire....even if there wasn't anything inappropriate? Why would she go off on you for raising the topic?

These are the poor behaviors that I mentioned. And the flirty texts? Those are the poor boundaries.

Look, you are early in your relationship /marriage. Are you okay with this behavior for the next 30 years? In my opinion, there are (2) basics necessary needed for a healthy relationship: love and commitment. I want to focus on the commitment part, because the love is an obvious answer. With commitment comes RESPECT for one's partner, and from respect comes HONESTY, and from honesty comes transparency, and from that comes communication, and from that.....

You are lacking in the commitment part from your spouse. Her actions show her levels, and unfortunately, they aren't anywhere near satisfactory. So you are going to have to be honest with yourself, and decide if you are going to stand up for YOUR needs in this marriage. Are you willing to end this relationship if your partner won't show real commitment? Do you believe that she is really trying to be a good partner, but needs some guidance? You have to answer those questions.

Personally, I think you already know the answer, but are scared to act upon it. That's okay.....most of us here were kind of paralyzed in the early days. But the continued lack of commitment, in the forms of respect, honesty, and transparency are going to build up resentment from you, and things will further decline. THEN, you will reach a point that you would rather NOT be in the marriage as opposed to staying.

Try not to let it get to this point. Let her know that although it would hurt to leave, it would be a better option than the continued path. If there is more infidelity than you are currently aware of, which there very well may be, would be better discussed now than down the road. But first things first, and that is letting her know your concerns.

Log into your cellular account. If you are on Verizon then go to the ' send a message' and there you will find all of the actual texts from the last 90 days, even if they were deleted from the phone.

Hang in there buddy.

I don't have the experience of others here, but what I can say is listen to their advice and take it seriously.

My ex-GF of 6 years was engaged in an emotional affair on Facebook, which would have no doubt turned physical given the right circumstances (yes, this was only emotional, because there was a continent in between them by the time they had reached out to each other).

Whether emotional or otherwise, the doubt is still there. And if you find evidence of an emotional affair, it probably wasn't the first time that flirty messages were sent or even something physical happened in the past. My mind is littered with days in which we weren't together and something could have happened with another guy, should she have wished.

You need to be willing to leave the marriage right now for any chance of serious reconciliation. That appears to shock wayward spouses into action.

You know that your WW has been lying to you. The one fact that I don't think anyone will disagree with is that lying and cheating go hand in hand. Everything that spews out of her mouth you have to at the very least consider it to be an untruth.

I think that unless you know it to be fact you have to at least consider that the OM may have a wife or gf in the mix. A PI could get to the bottom of this real quick.

I'm with TimelessLoss. I would play it cool and follow her on one of these nights out. The vars would be good but they seem to text a lot, but who knows? They may talk a lot as well.

Personally, I couldn't consider R or D unless I had a clearer picture of what's going on.

Thank all of you. I am blown away by your support. All of you. I am going to do my best. And I am taking the advise of many of you. I am gonna let er' rip. I wrote up a solid letter which cannot be refuted. I did lay the ultimatum on the table. Come clean or we are done.

I cannot believe this is happening. I've been in some heavy denial and roosters have come home I suppose. I've never been married before...but I had some very serious expectations about what is ok and what isn't.

Anything else you guys can provide me with would be helpful. I just need to keep my guts in long enough to let her read it. I've asked for full disclosure. Phones, emails, FB...etc. Is that too much? Or is it WAY past time?

As someone who could tell you the exact same story at first- you don’t know everything yet. And there is more, I would bet big money on it.

I’m sorry this is happening, but at least your antennae are twitching. Go into detective mode and start digging.

I did not find out for 3 years, 5 different men. You have every chance to nip this in the bud. Do it ASAP.

Do not play the pick me dance.

She has chosen him over you with her continued contact.

Serve her the D papers at work.

if she wants to stay married, she has to go no contact. maybe new job and hand over her phone.

have her write a timeline. she should not be dating others when she is married.

Let her take a poly on her timeline.

otherwise proceed with the D.

You've gotten very valid opinions and good advice. I think something you need to ask yourself is how many people have you sent 700 messages to in three months? Do you really need proof that it's a relationship with another man? If you ask me you have it. And the fact that he's afraid you could read them tells you all you need to know.

Charity411 -

Yeah, I agree. 700 + and some calls when I was out with our son. How many texts did she send me in the same time frame? 300.

I don't think I've ever sent one person 700 texts...in 3 months. That's a little nutz.