SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, you've gotten great advice.

Your story as back asswards.

Your wife should be doing everything possible to win YOU back after her lying, deceitful betrayal.

After discovery of my WH A, I was extremely nice telling him what I expected and deserved and nothing less. Nothing. I would not play the blame game, pick me dance, or ping pong with my life. My way or the highway, the A was so devastating as it was, I was not going to allow myself to sit back and take more of his BS. He did TT me to death, but for the most part everything else I required going forward he did without compromise.

If anyone should be doing the pick me dance, it's your wife. Without question.

What consequences has she had to face?

What is she doing to be a safe partner?

Is she in IC?

Is she reading books?

Is she transparent with EVERYTHING, social media, emails, voicemails?

Accountable for her time?

Are her family/friends holding her accountable for her actions?

When she goes back to work, will this guy still be working there?

What consequences has she had to face?

What is she doing to be a safe partner?

Is she in IC?

Is she reading books?

Is she transparent with EVERYTHING, social media, emails, voicemails?

Accountable for her time?

Are her family/friends holding her accountable for her actions?

When she goes back to work, will this guy still be working there?

Hi annb , your comments like many others has gotten me to rethink my actions .to answer your questions in Oder ..

-Yes she has started IC

-Yes she is reading books that her therapist sent her along with other articles

-She is transparent as much as I can tell . She told me when he called her a few weeks back and what he said

-Her family and friends are definitely holding her accountable

- when she goes back to work he will not be working there . He actually got fired awhile back for drinking on the job . Real winner

Stop doing the pick me dance. She needs to fight for you, not just return to a safe place when her BF dumped her.

Z

I know how you feel. I was in your shoes and like You, didn't have the benefit of this site.

I made the same exact mistakes.

See what my H didn't tellbme but I figured out was that the OW dumped him. He tried to claim he ended it. But I have my doubts. He didn't become depressed but he was clearly unhappy and missing her. And treating me horribly and kept saying he wanted a Divorce.

Why? Because the OW did not want to be the OW. So my CH figured he could have her if we were D.

Then two months later things seem better. I am relieved. We are back on track. (I am still making the classic mistakes but I think that what I have done worked and we are recovering from the A).

What I don't know is that the A has resumed and I will have DDay2.

But at DDay2 I was very calm and rational. I told him I know the A bad been going on and he had to leave and don't worry - b/c I was going to D him.

And from that moment on he has been doing everything to make amends to reconcile.

But I did the hard 180 complete with post nup.

I still do not do errands or his laundry or bend over backwards for him like I used to. I am very kind and was a doormat during our M. But no longer.

I have made a life outside of our M. I go out with friends and socialize w/out him. I volunteer and run some charity events and do things for me. I even started my own business. Because I wanted to.

My H was a kind and loving H. But his A opened my eyes to who I really married. His ego and arrogance regarding his A is something I will never forget. And this was not his first A but it will be his last.

That I guarantee b/c I am not sticking around for A#3.

I know how you feel. I was in your shoes and like You, didn't have the benefit of this site.

I made the same exact mistakes.

See what my H didn't tellbme but I figured out was that the OW dumped him. He tried to claim he ended it. But I have my doubts. He didn't become depressed but he was clearly unhappy and missing her. And treating me horribly and kept saying he wanted a Divorce.

Three days ago I brought Home then seperation agreement plus started implementing the 180 . I haven’t been perfect on it however I have noticed a Change in her mood . She has gone from a deep depression to asking me how my day was, can I do anything to help you .....all that stuff. I will

Need to see this continue for quite some

Time but it’s a step in the right direction .

Zoltok -

It is not fair to you (or your children) that you are doing the "pick me dance" and she's mourning for the loss of a relationship that shouldn't have existed to begin with.

Facing the music SUCKS but she played now she must pay. With her own broken heart and yours all the while knowing she and she alone caused both.

I hope you are practicing self care. You need it. As the BS I can say easier said than done as most of your waking and sleeping hours are consumed with sorrow. But please, take care of yourself. You both need and deserve it.

Z, once she realizes you are not going to be begging her to stay, she thinks you have a plan. You do!

And as far as she knows, it doesn't include her. That lack of influence over the relationship now has her questioning how to get control back so beware. She was counting on your never ending desire to stay married not matter what she did.

You just screwed that up for her.

She nervous.

Next time she asks, just tell she can do whatever the fuck she wants, and walk away. She will assume that that's exactly what you are going to do, and that messes up her tactics.

[This message edited by twisted at 3:09 PM, October 19th (Thursday)]

It's astonishing how the 180 strengthens you and how it effects the WS. You don't have to be perfect...if you fall off the 180, just climb back on. The goal is to detach and appreciate your value - sometimes the side effect is the WS yanks their head out of their ass. Too often, the BS is so strengthened by the 180, they don't care what the WS does...that's where you want to be. Get to the point where D is a viable and attractive option and then decide if you've seen enough remorse to R.

Strength and clarity Z.

[This message edited by sassylee at 12:19 PM, October 19th (Thursday)]

once she realizes you are not going to be begging her to stay, she thinks you have a plan. You do!

And as far as she knows, it doesn't include her. That lack of influence over the relationship now has her questioning how to get control back so beware. She was counting on your never ending desire to stay married not matter what she did.

You just screwed that up for her.

She nervous.

Next time she asks, just tell she can do whatever the fuck she wants, and walk away. She will assume that that's exactly what you are going to do, and that messes up her tactics.

Twisted, you gave me a good laugh...before your edit you left the word “NOT” out of “when she realizes you are “NOT” going to be begging ... lol. I looked at that and said to myself “wait a second am I begging or not “ ? Anyway good advise fromnyou and others . I definitely slip on the 180 but all in all it really helps with my outlook on myself whether she pulls her head out of her ass or not . She really does have a good heart and good people make bad mistakes right . that’s one of the reasons I’m still around . Long road ahead but I have more hope than ever that “i”!will be better after this experience.

Sorry about that Z. Yes, I came back and reread that and did a face palm. My brain works faster than my fat fingers.

Z, you said you found out before the OBS mistakenly sent the evidence to your dad, (that kinda solved that problem about exposing to the family or not, I guess).

If it doesn't reveal any secrets, can you say how you found out? Just curious.

If it doesn't reveal any secrets, can you say how you found out? Just curious

T, Ya NP no secrets revealed. I had first started suspecting when I received an alert that our phone data was over limit which led me to look at the phone records which showed she was texting a certain number 24/7 for the previous 2 months . I asked her and she told me who it was and that he was going through a rough time . I knew they were friends but the texting was excessive so I started putting things together . I then recovered a voicemail from him to her that is burnt into my brain forever . To be absolutely sure I GPS tracked our truck which revealed she was not going to her girlfriends house for drinks ! I confronted her with the evidence then she finally spilled it all . So I knew roughly 3 weeks before his wife did. That’s when she emailed my father some of the emails and text messages between them which are also burnt into my brain forever .

Have you talked to an attorney? Are you looking at how you can protect yourself? Sounds like you are leaning toward R, but not sure yet.

Clearly your WW did not choose you or R, it was kind of thrust upon her. This means, most likely, she will play house with you for a while, until another opportunity comes along. If she convinced herself she loved OM, that means she convinced herself she doesn't love YOU.

Keep that in mind. Measure all of her actions (not her words) in that light.

Clearly your WW did not choose you or R, it was kind of thrust upon her. This means, most likely, she will play house with you for a while, until another opportunity comes along. If she convinced herself she loved OM, that means she convinced herself she doesn't love YOU.

Keep that in mind. Measure all of her actions (not her words) in that light.

How bluntly you put it is the closest thing to how it feels right now so I thank you for that ! Though she has been transparent and displays honest remorse I truly feel like the minute she gets back to work and feeling good she’s going to take the next best thing that comes along . I hate to think like that but it’s the truth until proven wrong. She will need to show a lot more and soon or I’m out !