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Did she communicate these unmet needs to you before straying

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She same to me several times wanting to talk while I was on the phone telling some long insignificant story to someone that did not care. When I finally got off the phone I would hatefully ask what she wanted to talk about, by then she would say "never mind" and I would follow her around yelling "lets talk, you want to talk so lets talk"

Part of the problem with infidelity is the breakdown of what should be a few simple fixes. If she had just wrote me a letter telling me how she felt I would have been happy to change. If I had took some responsibility for cleaning our home without being asked, that could have made a difference. I can say "if you did this" or "if you said that" blah blah blah.

What matters is where we are now and where do we want to go from here?

I want to live the rest of my life with her. I can divorce or I can deal with it. I chose to deal with it. I do not like what happened, but we cannot change any of that. I can change my future. I can get rid of her or I can keep her. I do not feel like a beat victim that has no choice. This choice is on me, and this is what I want.

Did she communicate these unmet needs to you before straying?

If she had, would he have listened? Don't get me wrong... but that seems to be a big question here. I've found that sometimes you can talk 'til you're blue in the face and s/he just doesn't get it. After a while, you're so far in the shitter, you've convinced yourself s/he REALLY doesn't love you and would not care if you strayed. Then along comes someone who shows just a little bit of interest and you crumble like a house of cards. Is that the way it is all the time? NO. Life is not black and white. Everyone is different. One can handle what another cannot.

I understand what you are saying Jimmy. I felt the same way too. I was so secure in my marriage that I was blowing off H's needs. After all, we had 5 kids, I was too busy to focus on him, blah, blah, blah. Did that give him the right to cheat? NO!! A thousand times NO! But just like he takes full responsibility for HIS AFFAIR, I take responsibility for my part in what I see now as a not very good marriage.

We had already talked about things we needed to do and changes we needed to make in order to repair our not so good marriage. Unfortunately, SHE came on the scene right at that time, and I guess he felt it was easier to just take what she offered than it was to do the hard work for us.

If she had, would he have listened? Don't get me wrong... but that seems to be a big question here. I've found that sometimes you can talk 'til you're blue in the face and s/he just doesn't get it. After a while, you're so far in the shitter, you've convinced yourself s/he REALLY doesn't love you and would not care if you strayed. Then along comes someone who shows just a little bit of interest and you crumble like a house of cards. Is that the way it is all the time? NO. Life is not black and white. Everyone is different. One can handle what another cannot.

I understand what you are saying Jimmy. I felt the same way too. I was so secure in my marriage that I was blowing off H's needs. After all, we had 5 kids, I was too busy to focus on him, blah, blah, blah. Did that give him the right to cheat? NO!! A thousand times NO! But just like he takes full responsibility for HIS AFFAIR, I take responsibility for my part in what I see now as a not very good marriage.

We had already talked about things we needed to do and changes we needed to make in order to repair our not so good marriage. Unfortunately, SHE came on the scene right at that time, and I guess he felt it was easier to just take what she offered than it was to do the hard work for us.

imokay

Well there you go! That is how we reconcile! We all have to own our part and go forward with better communication from now on. I just wish that I had learned sooner so that I could have at being a better husband sooner.

Fully reconciled.

I love this line in your signature! I can't wait to be able to put it in mine!

[This message edited by Jimmy1962 at 8:39 AM, November 11th (Saturday)]

I just I had learned sooner so that I could have at being a better husband sooner.

I hear you!!!

I love this line in your signature! I can't to put it in mine!

It takes a LOT of HARD WORK and a LOT of TIME, but with a remorseful spouse it can happen!

Best of luck to you!!!

[This message edited by imokay at 8:42 AM, November 11th (Saturday)]

You like many keep wanting her to get it. You're probably in for constant dissapointment.

It doesn't bother her like it does you because she isn't on the receiving end of this.

I just wish that I had learned sooner so that I could have at being a better husband sooner.

yay you put the band aid on the tiny scratch called better communication

so watcha gonna do about that gunshot wound, bud?

she gonna walk away with her entitled attitude intact?

that's a scary thought

I am happy you own your 50% of the dynamic

doesn't heal the problem within her, though

and that is why on average processing through takes 2-5 years

so yeah the vets know R can be done

but it ain't 'cause the betrayed gets to do the heavy lifting all about "marital" issues

good luck, bro

I fear you are in for a bumpy ride

hope to be wrong

[This message edited by Merida at 8:45 AM, November 11th (Saturday)]

Well, there you go. It's the husband's fault.

I complimented my wife on beauty, intelligence and compliments frequently. We talked a lot about our future, our goals that we were on the brink of achieving (mutual goals), our daughters, our life, our 25th wedding anniversary, etc. We did recreational things together, enjoyed the same activities, etc. If there were things that I wasn't real keen on but she wanted to do I usually did them anyway just to be with her and help her enjoy. (A sticking point seems to be that she wanted to go to a Hallowe'en event in costume and I didn't want to and didn't sometime before our 10th anniversary.)

The major problem seemed to be that I wanted too much sex. Actually, I wanted too much affection and sexual intimacy. I wanted to spend too much time with her (we both worked quite long hours, were very engaged with our children and I wanted to spend any remaining time with her). Back massages, foot massages, bubble baths, total financial freedom, dates, Marriage Encounter, Turn Your Heart Towards Home, church, community service together, etc.

Her AP never complimented her, no gifts, no cards, no money spent, no recreation, no time just spent together except for fucking, no sexual intimacy just fucking - he calls, she goes, they fuck, she comes home to me where I usually was waiting for her. Complete NSA FWB unpaid call girl. I wanted too much sex and he only wanted to fuck her.

My point, after a such a long lead up, is that it doesn't matter.

You don't pay me enough attention - you're smothering me.

You're working too much - you don't work enough.

You don't pay enough attention to the kids - the kids consume all your time and there's not enough for me.

It doesn't matter if it was too much or too little it's the betrayed's fault. If only you would have.... This is the stance of the unremorseful. This woman doesn't even seem regretful and doesn't seem to feel guilt. Furthermore, her husband was supposed to be her conscience and save her from her fall.

The more things change the more they stay the same.

You like many keep wanting her to get it. You're probably in for constant dissapointment.

It doesn't bother her like it does you because she isn't on the receiving end of this. Marz

Hey Marz

Have you ever had one positive or optimistic comment on here for anyone? Ever? Even one? If so I would like to see it.

My wife and I have been together over 37 years. We have a marriage, children, grandchildren, we had seven businesses, 40 employees, we have a life together. I know her, I know me, I know us. We are strong, our marriage is strong, still, even though she strayed 20 years ago.

It is amazing how I have only told a couple about our situation. The people that I have told say things like "that was a long time ago" "you need to get over it" "that is water under the bridge" "you have a great marriage, don't worry about it". Then there are the folks on here that cannot forgive or forget no matter what. There has to be a happy medium.

All marriages have issues. If anyone says they don't/didn't they're lying or very naïve IMO. I don't believe the issues are 50:50, though, just that it isn't 100:0. I do believe a lot of our issues arrived in our marriage with her luggage when she moved in with me after marriage. I already had a few of my own hidden in the closet. She had a lot, though. I should have seen the trunks full of them. Those issues kept escaping in tiny amounts starting very soon after our marriage.

I caution about taking on too much responsibility about marital issues before the adultery issues are dealt with. It's too easy for the marital issues to take precedence and become the "why" without the adultery issues being solved (for want of a better word). That's why I do believe it's way better to get IC long before MC. Too much of the adultery burden can be transferred to the BS.

Someone on SI wrote this which I believe says it all. Which of my spouse's other sins should I confess to and ask forgiveness for. Don't take on a burden that isn't yours to bear.

steadychevy

We have been married for 35 years. Her affair was 20 years ago. She was a great wife before her affair and has been ever since. There was a period of about a year where he was in the picture. They had sex five times. Since telling me 3 months ago she has been extremely remorseful. There is nothing that she needs to do to prove her faithfulness or trustworthiness because she has done that for the last 20 years.

I have a decision to make. What is going forward for me. What do I want my future to be?

Get a divorce and go without her?

Stay married and both of us work to have a better marriage than ever?

I choose the second. That is what I want now. If things do not go well, we can do something different then. Life is short, be as happy as you can while you can. I will be far happier with her than I could ever be without her. If that view changes, I will do something different then.

Re: the poem - as a friend of mine in college used to say, "Barf material." (It's poorly written, too, and scans horribly.)

My husband worked hard and long hours, too. Sadly, there were no boats, planes, or jewelry involved, but he seemed very focused on his goals, so I supported him, by doing everything else that needed to be done for our lives to run smoothly. When I wanted to talk, and he didn't, I was hurt, but oh well... While he was out every night, I could have gone out partying and he would never have known, but faithful people don't do that. Just about zero of my needs were being met, while he was out feasting on the ego kibbles.

But HE cheated, not me. His actions were in no way my fault. I can see now that I needed to get his attention and say that I was unhappy, but being optimistic (or in a dream world), I kept thinking things would get better when he got a promotion, or when the next show was over, etc.

We've been married almost 40 years, too, finish each other's sentences, call or text each other at the same exact minute etc. But all that closeness didn't mean anything when it came down to cheating or not cheating. Don't take responsibility for your wife's actions. There's plenty you can both do to heal your marriage now, but the blame for cheating is hers.

I'm not quite sure why people can't understand that when someone takes responsibility for their part in a bad marriage but REFUSE to take responsibility for their BS's A, that's it. They still accuse the BS of taking responsibility for the A. It boggles the mind. What part don't you understand?

I've spent a lot of time on this site and I've come to realize that people who did/do NOT have a remorseful spouse cannot believe that it can actually happen. Maybe because there are many who pretend to be remorseful but end up eventually showing their true colors.

However, there are truly remorseful spouses out there. I know. I have one. I believe Jimmy does too.

[This message edited by imokay at 10:20 AM, November 11th (Saturday)]

Life is short, be as happy as you can while you can. I will be far happier with her than I could ever be without her. If that view changes, I will do something different then.

Life is way too damn short.

It is okay to be bitter and angry about what happened along the way too. As long as you're taking on the the tougher emotions head on as well -- and not bury them, I think it makes possible to get to some of those happy moments or at least enjoy them more when they happen.

It is unique when we discover infidelities from a couple decades ago, despite the pain being brand new. It is tougher to describe sometimes as we start to see how long it is been with some good days in between.

And, I don't see you taking blame for the affair, just recognizing what it is was that contributed to the distance in your relationship before your wife selfishly made her own bad choices.

You've mentioned more than once that she tried to tell you how she was feeling, but it was always while you were on the phone, otherwise occupied. Then would get mad at you because you didn't immediately hang up when she came to you.

I find it odd that the only times she came to you to talk,you were on the phone.

There was no other time she could have approached you? No time, before bed,or early the next morning? No time on those boats or airplanes? No time on holidays? How about in the shower? Or waking you in the middle of the night? In two years..no other time than when you were otherwise occupied? No time to have this important talk before she decide to choose an affair?

You say you don't take the blame. Maybe your head tells you that, but your heart doesn't seem to believe it. Because you then take the blame. You made her sad and lonely. Ok. She could have told you. When you got off the phone and followed her around asking to talk, regardless of your attitude, she could have told you then. Instead she was passive aggressive and refused. And you certainly blame the om. I think you need to keep your wife on her throne, more for your sake than hers. If you take the blame,and blame I'm, then you feel you can control things better.

According to your logic, any lonely woman is a target for an OM. I mean, who could blame us? You do realize that many,many betrayed wives here were extremely lonely during their husbands affair? Yet they're a BS..not a WS.

Let me tell you a story. Long before my husband cheated, he was working eighty plus hours a week. I had lost touch with most of my friends. I was desperately lonely. An ex...my first love..and I ran into each other. He asked for my number, just to catch up. I was weak and vulnerable,and I chose to give it to him. He called. There was some mild flirtation. He asked to meet for lunch. I talked to my husband,and he was ok with lunch. I went. I went knowing he wanted to have sex..not because of what he said..but because a woman knows. I met him, we sat down at the restaurant,and I left five minutes later. Because as soon as I sat down, I knew this was all wrong. That,yes, I was so lonely. I needed attention, love,ego kibble. But I needed them from my husband, not this man from my past.

Boundaries. Morals. Values. And I loved my husband.

Your wife had options. She chose the one that made her feel best.

So..her affair ended...what happened to all of her loneliness? Her sadness? What changed? Other than the om being done with her..what turned her back into this wonderful wife?

Jimmy , I get where you are coming from, I really do. That was me until 2 weeks in. I came to the conclusion that yes, I could have been a better husband, but ultimately there was something inside my wife that said that cheating was an option. She still had other options(your wife and mine). They could have said unless things change they were going to file for divorce. Thats a better option than cheating.

My wife said the same thing . Basically that I wasnt listening. I told her that if she would have threatened divorce and insisted on counseling I would have pulled my head outta my ass. Instead she cheated. So what the letter is saying that there are times that it is OK to cheat. I wonder if thats something that needs clarified on wedding day?

[This message edited by 1survivor at 11:19 AM, November 11th (Saturday)]

Well, it looks like the poem did not go over very well!

Ya think?

Jimmy,

I had my DDay in 2010, and I accepted responsibility for my part in her A. Made peace with it and moved on.

Years later something didn’t sit quite right with me, and I ended up finding myself here at SI. Then I had to re-reconcile the entire A and aftermath with a new understanding of my part of the A. That my part was 0%.

I feel for you man. Everyone here isn’t trying to paint your wife in a bad light. We’re only trying to help you see the truth, that this isn’t even 1% your fault.

I probably wouldn’t even be here if I had realized/accepted that back in 2010.

jimmy

What do I want my future to be?

Get a divorce and go without her?

Stay married and both of us work to have a better marriage than ever?

I choose the second. That is what I want now. If things do not go well, we can do something different then. Life is short, be as happy as you can while you can. I will be far happier with her than I could ever be without her. If that view changes, I will do something different then.

very well said and I'm happy things are becoming more clear for you. You are on the right track to healing. take care

Here's the thing. Do both parties in an M have responsibility for behaving badly? Of course because no relationship is perfect. Should we have been leaning into each other rather than exercising apathy and turning away, sure. But we as BS's did not make the decision to stray - we kept our vows. Our WS's could have and should have done the same. We at least deserved the right to make a decision about our own lives rather than having destruction foisted upon us.

As time moves on for me, the onion layers peel back and I can see the changes I need to make for me, to be happier, to act better and to be more loving. But none of that means I deserved to be betrayed by the one person in this world who I thought had my back and would protect me always. I will get past this but won't take the blame for the horrible choice my WS made to abuse me and our children. I will take the blame for the behaviors I've exhibited that contributed to the weaknesses in our M. He had his part too.

So Jimmy, please be easy on yourself with regard to her A. And yes, be introspective and work on yourself because all of us can always improve and in this short life, we should be the best we can be!

Did she communicate these unmet needs to you before straying?

There's more to it than that - flip the coin.

Before WW's LTA - I KNEW we had problems, and I WAS INCREDIBLY UNHAPPY. I tried for years to get her to work with me to make our marriage better. I wanted a better, emotionally close relationship with her, but everything she did pushed me away. (and no, her affair hadn't started yet) WW was verbally abusive, she even broke some of my things.

Every single thing she complained about I tried to change for the better. I worked too much - so I changed my hours so I would always be at home on weekends... then when that wasn't enough, I started working from home. She complained that we never did anything fun - so we started going out on weekends, and when we could get her mother to look after the kids, we went to Vegas, and even took vacations in Europe together.

I didn't realize it then, but she was a black-hole of need. Whatever I did it was never enough. Maybe I should have been the one to cheat then huh? I was belittled, she would take off on her own on weekends sometimes because she didn't want to be around me, she yelled and screamed at me all the time, and the more I tried to fix things the angrier she became. I had TONS of unmet needs - and guess what I never cheated.

This unmet needs stuff is just [insert a word I shouldn't say here].