SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really relate to what you wrote about having an internal eye roll. YES! I do EXACTLY that.

..and that takes away from the sexiness!

My SO is the king of puns. Bad ones. Bad dad jokes. He's just not that funny to me. And he explains things TO DEATH. I'm smart. I got it in the first 60 seconds you were talking.

So that is how I know I couldn't last a lifetime with him. BUT, he's kind. He's caring. He's a good dad. He treats me well. He's financially set. He's a gentleman. The list goes on.

But it's not enough.

Don't settle. Enjoy it while it's mutually good for both of you. Be honest with him. (Although I have, I think he hopes I'll change my mind. )

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 7:55 PM, December 14th (Thursday)]

I get what Miz is saying. I think I had butterflies for the first girl I had a crush on in highschool, then they all flew away. I'm not sure what passion is either...you mean like that feeling when you are about to get laid? I don't think that is what you all are referring to though.

I.will.survive.,

I think we may be dating the same man because your description of him-the dad jokes/puns-is literally exactly like my SO. And the positive qualities you mention are also the same. But I just don't know if I could "put up with" my SO's overbearing nature, very OCD tendencies, deep religious faith, strong political opinion, and short temper.

But I just don't know if I could "put up with" my SO's overbearing nature, very OCD tendencies, deep religious faith, strong political opinion, and short temper.

Ohhhh, yeah, I see what you mean there. Those are pretty intense characteristics to live with.

My SO definitely has a routine and I think I would get bored potentially. It's not OCD, but I could see how that could be worse! We have the same faith so that's actually a bonus for me. Our political opinions are the same, too, but we never discuss them (thank goodness!!)

He doesn't have a short temper. He's actually really patient most of the time. I married a man with a short fuse and that is UGLY.

I think you have listed enough reasons here to move on. Those qualities (well, except the OCD...that's probably livable unless it's extreme) are deal breakers IMO. If you are TOO opposite, then it's on your core level that you are not a match. That goes beyond the bad jokes and annoying quirks.

I had a huge amount of passion for my Ex. He is drop dead gorgeous, I've seen women literally swoon in his presence, and we had a massive physical connection. We were ALL passion.

But he was a grade A asshole to me in our marriage. And that passion clouded my thinking and judgement to the point that it took an A and subsequent lying and marital scorched earth before I initiated a D. But quite honestly, I wish that I had done so years earlier.

My current SO looks a little like Shrek. I do not look at him and think "Phwoar! Let me have you on the kitchen table!!" But we have the same sense of humor, the same outlook on the world, similar cultural tastes, identical political and religious beliefs, sex is great and the kindness that he shows me every day is slowly but surely melting my heart. I took him to see one of my favorite bands playing last week and we shared a taxi home and I left the t-shirts for my kids in the taxi when I said goodbye. He didn't notice them either so they were gone. Yesterday I was digging out my amazon boxes and I opened a package that had the t-shirts in them. He ordered them and sent them to me to replace the ones that I had lost. And quite honestly, I felt something shift in my heart. And if that's not sexy, then I don't know what is.

I was talking to a good friend of mine last week about this. I said that the guy I'm seeing now is someone I would have chewed up and spat out in my 20's. But now, well, now I'm a different, older, wiser person that that girl. Now I actually value someone who is nice to me, who thinks about my needs, who empathizes with my struggles and supports me. You can keep your English Patient passion.

What I find fascinating is that these butterflies/passion threads are invariably feminine. Men may complain about lack of sex but in my opinion do not appear to crave heightened limerance. I believe that this is gender-based firmware in action but it always fascinates me nonetheless because I find it impossible to force myself to think the same way that these women do. It’s totally alien thought to me—just like being sexually attracted to Brad Pitt would be a totally alien thought.

I think 3 of us need a group counseling session...IWillSurvive and JellyGirl I think we are floating around in the same boat at the moment :)

OK guys....We are all waiting to know if mizunomead is weird???? What do you say????

I like sex - a lot - but I get what Mizuno is saying.

I'm too rational to go flying off like a 15 year old girl with a crush.

I mean I've loved two women in my life and I always looked forward to being with them but getting the vapors just thinking about them? That's just not me.

Yeah, the whole wanting butterflies thing seems sort of childish and impractical to me. I don't get it. If you meet someone who you're attracted to and compatible with and they seem to feel the same way about you, it really worth holding out for some sort of romance novel fantasy as well?

so it is a mars/venus thing...

For me, I have to have both.

Butterflies always got mixed up with anxiety for me and the more anxiety I had, the more the guy was probably no good for me and I was probably feeling addicted to his inconsistent behavior.

For my current SO, who I think is a keeper, I was excited and nervous in between dates but also felt like I could be myself and he "got" me, and I also wanted to jump his bones but I also know that if things start going south I'll put myself first and could leave him if I had to. And I still feel all of those things. Passion is especially important for me because I can get intellectual and emotional connections with my friends and family, but as I plan on being monogamous, I need to be really fulfilled sexually (and I am! ).

To me, I relate the butterflies to can't wait to have sex with a person.. that moment, you can't wait to get it on..

This other thing.. I also, can't relate.. I mean the admiration of beauty and other things.. sure.. but all paths lead to one location.

As the OP I just want to say that what I believe I mean to say isn't defined as "butterflies". I am not talking about "butterflies".

I mean that I don't feel like I am "in love" with this man. But I care about him.

As the OP I just want to say that what I believe I mean to say isn't defined as "butterflies". I am not talking about "butterflies".

I mean that I don't feel like I am "in love" with this man. But I care about him.

Yes. I get that is what you meant. And I think that the butterfly feelings are there when you ARE in love. I have a friend who has 3 children with her husband, been married 12 years and STILL gets butterflies when he walks in the room. Sha zam!!! Color me jealous.

Sure they decrease over time, but having them there in the first place is a sign of being in love (for me.) Then it matures into a deeper level of love where you get all the lasting qualities you want and the little annoying stuff is liveable.

But when you internally roll your eyes too much or have core values that don't align...that signals to me you can't fall in love with that person. Too much in the way.

The following are rhetorical questions:

So when do you end it? Are you seeking marriage one day so this could be holding you back? Do you feel unfair feeling like this and not telling the other person? Do you just end the dating relationship even though you DO enjoy your time together (although it's always running through your mind that this just isn't quite "it")?

I don't know. Sign me up for that counseling session. I have friends telling me to give him more of a chance and others saying end it if I know he's not my future husband (but I didn't think I was trying to find one of those right now?? )

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 6:32 PM, December 15th (Friday)]

ETA: I should have read the responses before contributing my keyboard diarrhea. Oopsie.

I never felt passionately about either of my wives nor any of the women I was with less seriously. I'm pretty sure I've never felt passion towards a woman in my life. For years I thought it was because I was gay as a handbag, but I explored that possibility and NOPE. I'm just a frigid, asexual little turd.

One (of a hundred) reasons I was given for being cheated on was that I am not a passionate guy. On some level, I see it. I've never initiated a sexual encounter in my life. Ever. I guess the women got tired of being the one to always initiate and they weren't getting the ego stroke of having some guy jump through hoops to get in their pants.

I'm biased, so my response won't mean much.

I hate sex. Absolutely hate it. I can perform the act, but it's enjoyable to me on the same level as taking out the garbage or picking up dog shit in the yard.

Personally, I'd love to have a platonic-yet-romantic, non-physical relationship. Slightly more than room mates yet sleeping in separate bedrooms. Somebody to rely on, yes. Somebody to keep company with, yes. A companion, yes. More than that? Keep batteries on your shopping list, sweetheart.

[This message edited by 6M$Man at 7:01 PM, December 15th (Friday)]

6M$Man: I sometimes feel like my issue might be that I am perfectly content to be without a partner; like maybe I am asexual.

The crazy thing is that what I feared the most when I kicked my xwh out of our marital home is now the thing I fear losing: my independence.

I am not a sex maniac or in need of constant butterflies. I just worry that it means something signifanct, perhaps biologically, when I find myself thinking, when I am hanging out with my SO, that I would rather be at home on my computer or reading a book. I just get tired quickly and pull away.

I don't know if that is a "symptom" of The Infidelity Experience or if it is a sign that my SO isn't for me.

...But I.Will.Survive., no, I'm not looking to be married. If it doesn't happen again I think I'd be fine with it. He wants to get married some day in the not-so-distant future and have children. I keep telling him that I am very iffy about it. Part of me wants him to be The One to Convince Me.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 8:11 PM, December 15th (Friday)]

Jellygirl, what do YOU want?

Is ‘happy enough’ really happy ENOUGH?

My wxh gave me butterflies our full 18 years together. Not, like, DAILY....but regularly enough. But he also gave me insecurity, resentment, and hurt. I still need butterflies to date someone long term. Why? Because having butterflies for someone and being hurt by them are not necessarily mutually inclusive. I also need comfort and partnership which I felt for much of my relationship with my ex. Again: it’s not necessary to have one OR the other.

I have dated quite a bit these past two years. Two of the men gave me butterflies AND made me feel comfortable and equally partnered. Neither worked long term for various reasons, but it doesn’t mean I won’t find a relationship with both. And I NEED both. I crave stability and closeness emotionally, and I also crave physical compatibility and sexual connection. I won’t settle for less than all of that in a partner. I would rather be alone than be unfulfilled.

Maybe that’s the case for you. Maybe it’s not?

To answer one of the above rhetorical questions..

I think this should of been addressed as soon as you realize.. That person isn't the one.. Not necessitating a split, but seek couples or individual counseling.. Especially if kids are involved.. And if ending things is what comes of it.. Better sooner, than later. It's only fair to both parties.

LIlBlackCat mentions an interesting idea:

Couples' Counseling.

Is it "weird" to go to couples' counseling when we're only dating or is it a proactive approach to the relationship?

Neither my SO nor I have any children so we aren't going to hurt other people for our decisions.

But SO and I have both been divorced and it was due to infidelity, in fact, SO's one other long-term relationship years after his divorce (and only a year before he met me) ended because his SO cheated.

We have baggage like most people over 30. I cannot deny that sometimes the baggage is laid on our individual doorsteps. We have actually talked about going to Couples' Counseling just as a way to see if we can learn--or rather, unlearn--some ways of being/doing/speaking that weren't successful in our relationships with other lovers. My SO actually was the first to bring it up. It really made me see how much he cares about making this work, but then it made me wonder if it were a bad thing that in a brand new relationship we would feel we needed counseling together. I don't know....I'm so indecisive by nature and this throws me for a loop...

My first husband was a good man to me. Sadly we were young and silly when we married. I was not attracted to him and thought in time those feelings would show up. They never did.

Most recent husband was an athlete in his day and had the body to go with it. I learned what passion is from that experience.

So I have to say I want comfort, partnership and passion.