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She is remorseful but I think that has more to do with the consequences of me not letting her come home and minimal contact with the kids. She may see what she lost. She is living with her mother and her mother is giving her pressure to fix it.

Don't confuse remourse with regret of getting caught.

You should inform the other betrayed spouse as well. Don't leave the job half finished.

You're doing well with such a horrific situation.

Take care of yourself first.

The kids are older but should be told the truth in a sanized way. Do not let them think this is their fault.

Kids aren't stupid and lying or keeping them in the dark will just increase their anxiety.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:38 PM, January 13th (Saturday)]

On Thursday I found out my wife of 17 years was having a 6-9 month affair with a coworker.

Crushed27

If you’re going to divorce don’t expose and don’t make her quit her job. You want her to be making money. Exposure can be a bargaining chip.

After the divorce is final you can expose.

If you’re going to try and R then expose and she must quit her job. You want to show her consequences to shock her out of her affair.

I don’t see how you can ever trust your wife. She obviously didn’t see anything wrong with it. It was a way of life so much so that when she lost one AP she only took a six month break before she found another. It sounds like she must have a guy on the side.

I did order DNA kits for the kids. I do think they are mine (they kinda look like me), but I told her to be prepared for the possibility they are not.

Crushed27

What did she say? Did she say that they are yours or did she say nothing?

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:23 AM, January 14th (Sunday)]

She is living with her mother and her mother is giving her pressure to fix it.

Her mother doesn't want to have to take care of her that's why she's putting pressure on her. This is not your wife or her mothers call. It's all yours.

No one has any say so except you.

How's she supposed to fix 17 years of lies, deceit and sex with two other men?

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. However, most affairs only last 6 months or a year. This is a whole different ballgame.

Your wife didn't just have an affair she had a whole other lifestyle set up.

You've been served the biggest shit sandwich I've ever seen. You don't have to eat it though.

Your story is particularly horrific.

I think you shoukd get a lawyer involved sooner than later.

You need to learn how to protect yourself. At some point she will seek custody once she recognizes you won’t take her back. So you need to be thinking through your rights while you are in this lull.

Welcome crushed! I'm sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

You've received some good advice, but also spend some time reading in the Healing Library (upper left). There is a wealth of information there, along with all the abbreviations we use around here.

You will get a lot of different perspectives and opinions. Some will resonate, and some you won't agree with. Just know everyone wants to help and see you get out of infidelity. We tell everyone to take what works for your situation and leave the rest.

Whether you can R or not will depend on your WW (wayward wfe's) remorse, her willingness to fix the inner brokenness that allowed her to do this, and of course your willingness to offer the gift of R (reconciliation). It takes two, and a whole lot of hard work. But the bottom line is there is no right or wrong, only what's right for you. If you can't get past it, that's okay, too!

My ex cheated my entire M, and I didn't find out about his first LTA until over 15 years later (the OC was 15 years old so it went on longer). For me, I couldn't get past it. I knew I would never trust him again, and it got where even touching him repulsed me. I also lost all respect for him.] But then, he did not have an ounce of remorse. He just regretted being caught. I disrupted his secret double life. If he had it his way, we would have stayed M. He liked having a double life and had no intention of giving it up. That simply wasn't okay with me.

So yes, sit on it and watch her actions (words are meaningless). There is no rush for you to decide what you want to do. However, DO talk to an attorney so you know what to expect if you do D. Knowledge is power.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

Thanks again. I've scheduled consultations with both a lawyer and a therapist. Hard to imagine 4 days ago I thought I was in a healthy relationship. My reality has fallen apart so quickly.

Her latest affair was divorced so no BS to inform. Also, it sounds like the only reason the first one ended was because she had started flirting with the second.

For my kids, she says she has no doubts they are mine,based on some disgusting details I won't share. I have way more details about everything than I can handle, but I was asking and she was answering. Even though she says she is confident, there still is a chance they may not be mine. Their method was far from sound. For an incredibly smart woman she did so many stupid and reckless things. She definitely has something off in her head.

My daughter seems most impacted as she has a vague understanding of what her mother did. The 3 boys just know she lied to me and hurt me bad. I've been very careful not to promise the kids anything. I did have to inform them we may not be able to do our planned summer vacation (camping in Yellowstone). Just not sure how much I can do myself.

It will be interesting to see how we manage our interactions. Yesterday she had to bring one of our boys to his hockey game. She just walked in the house and I told her she can't do that because she doesn't live here anymore. Unfortunately, I still will need her help with all of their activities. I can't be in multiple places at once.

In a couple weeks I have to bring my 11yo son to an out of town hockey tournament. She wanted to stay at the house while I am gone to be easier on the other 3 kids. Originally I agreed if she slept in the guest room. Now I'm not sure i want her here even if I am gone.

This is helpful for me. Thank you all for reading.

She is remorseful but I think that has more to do with the consequences of me not letting her come home and minimal contact with the kids.

Someone who has a 15 year long affair and then starts another one with some other guy wouldn't know what remorse looks like if you shoved it down her throat.

She's incapable of remorse. You don't cheat on your spouse and lie to their face EVERY SINGLE DAY for 17 straight years, and then become 'remorseful' after you're caught. She's completely incapable of remorse.

You're very, VERY wise not to attempt trying reconcile with someone like this. That would be a complete and total farce and another wasted year or two of your life. Besides, why would you WANT to be with someone who happily disrespected you every single day of your marriage? She doesn't deserve a damned thing except a kick in the ass right out the front door - and I see you've wisely already done that.

For my kids, she says she has no doubts they are mine...

Honestly? I wouldn't believe this liar if she told me it was raining. I'd have to go outside and see for myself.

Get to a lawyer as soon as possible - you've wasted enough time with this vampire.

Good luck to you and STAY THE COURSE.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 4:47 AM, January 14th (Sunday)]

I wasn't sure whether I read that right but she had a 15 year affair, that ended then she jumped into another affair?

Wow.

So for all but two years of your 17 year marriage she's had a boyfriend(s).

My friend you need her to take a polygraph because I'm betting the number of sexual partners she's had number more than two.

Also get yourself checked for STD's. Your wife has been sleeping around, end of the day check your health for your own sake and that of the kids.

I wasn't sure whether I read that right but she had a 15 year affair, that ended then she jumped into another affair?

Wow.

So for all but two years of your 17 year marriage she's had a boyfriend(s).

My friend you need her to take a polygraph because I'm betting the number of sexual partners she's had number more than two.

Also get yourself checked for STD's. Your wife has been sleeping around, end of the day check your health for your own sake and that of the kids.

You might have missed it, but the first affair ended when the first AP caught her flirting with the second AP. So she cheated on the guy she was cheating with.

What an ideal candidate for R! /sarc

Crushed, so sorry your WW has done this to you.

I'm trying to process and heal from my WW's ~3+ months affairs (total time in affairs over span of 1 year). It is real hell.

16 years? I have no idea how to even begin processing it.

I would suggest you find and get into IC ASAP (but legal advice must take priority). You just suffered a traumatic and life changing event (and when I say "life changing" I mean not only "from now on", but also it changed your life "in the past"). This is not an easy thing to deal with and you should get professional help. Now you have only a lot of pain and sense that 17 years (i.e. significant part of your LIFE) has been a lie. Only later you start to realize what it really means, when all these little details start flooding your mind - about everyday things that you did and now realize that it was not what you thought it was. 16 years of that! Man, I am so sorry :(

I have little time, so just main points.

Get a lawyer - yes, that should be priority. Consult if her not living with you (even if it was at your own request - I doubt she has proof) might be considered abandonment (I'm not a lawyer and not even in USA, so that's just a brainstorming). You don't have obligation to be fair with her. She deserves it less that a complete stranger.

Cancel MC (marriage counseling) NOW. What are you going to talk about in MC? Marriage? Which never really existed? Get IC for you instead. One that works with infidelity trauma. Going to MC with your WW at this stage would be like doing joint consultation of rape victim with the abuser.

Talk to your kids. Explain in age appropriate language. I bet that your 14 DD understands enough. She needs to know the truth. And I don't think that her consoling you is good for her - she needs it almost the same as you. Yes, I understand, you are actually consoling one another, but you need to be strong for her and other kids. Very strong. And I know how impossibly hard it is.

I only give "RUN!" advice to young BS'es without kids. But in your case I have to shout - RUN! Grab your kids and RUN!

Even though she says she is confident, there still is a chance they may not be mine. Their method was far from sound.

Or completely non-existent, and I would say that is especially so if she made up some bizarre story to explain away the possibility. More than likely, she just didn't care if the kids were yours because they were hers.

She wanted to stay at the house while I am gone to be easier on the other 3 kids. Originally I agreed if she slept in the guest room. Now I'm not sure i want her here even if I am gone.

I would find other arrangements. If you let her move in, you could have a hard time getting her to leave again.

Get a voice-activated recorder for any time you are together and start taping your phone calls with an app or a recorder. She might get sick of having to live at her mom's or angry that you're pushing back and decide to lie to the police to get you out of the house (and get an RO establishing possession and custody/child support). This is a twisted person who hasn't cared about hurting you in the past, so please protect yourself.

You're doing well in dire circumstances. Think and look deep.

Your life and future is on the line here.

Once you start filling in the blanks you probably won't like what you see.

It will become clearer to you later.

Crushed, I want to applaud you for how well you are doing for having your bases covered legally, kicking her out to get you some much needed space, and getting a therapist. You're doing great.

I normally think that just about anything could be reconciled but I believe that at best you have a snowball's chance in hell of this working. If she felt comfortable cheating for your whole marriage, she probably cheated before and on other boyfriends. She's probably been a cheater for a very long time and was even escalating by cheating on the OM too. In fact, there are probably other OM you don't even know about because the two OM just so happened to find out about each other. She's a great liar and manipulator so who really knows how many other OM are out there.

What also makes R very difficult is when a WS gives more to the AP than their BS. This is especially true of sexual stuff they have denied the BS. You have that in spades. It's stunning that she had more of an intimate relationship with people outside of your marriage than in it. Frankly, I have never heard of anything like it.

Whatever she says right now means jack shit. It's complete crap. Given how disgustingly she has acted and how much she has lied, there's just no way she's being honest now. Not because of pressure from family either. I have been here a few years and at best pressure can make a WS behave for a little bit but it always backfires because they have to want it for themselves. In your case, the most that your WW wants is to go back to you being ignorant while she seeks out as many OM as she wants. Unless you have airtight evidence, she's probably still talking to OM #2 right now. Maybe even #1 or looking for #3. People like her cannot cope with stress and boredom so she will be looking to fill those needs ASAP on the down low. If by some miracle you ever let her back into the house, demand a polygraph and ask to see her phone on the spot so that she doesn't have time to delete anything.

You should file just to protect yourself. When you are away you need to have she can not have another man around your kids for at least six months.

Take care of yourself.

How you are doing, Crushed?

I'm doing ok. Getting better about staying upbeat around the kids. Meeting with the lawyer tomorrow. Still don't want to rush that decision. I know I need help. I had scheduled an appt. With an IC next Thursday, but not sure I can make it that long. I need help with all the negative thoughts. I have received a lot of great advice but needed to get away from it a bit. During a conversation my WW broke down. I found myself consoling her. Over the last week I've poured out my feelings to her. I wrote a long letter explaining how this has destroyed me. I've told her that I am not in a place to consider R and she needs to concentrate on herself and not be concerned about the marriage. I need some space and therapy for myself now.

You are conducting well under the circumstances. Hope the impact is not unduely affecting your other tasks like the job. Best response is to live as well as you can during this crisis. WW crying may or may not mean anything. It can be solely because her long enjoyed lifestyle changed after the D day.

My advice is to not console her and detach.

This woman betrayed you for almost the entirety of your marriage and you’re consoling her ? It’s not your job to feel make feel better about her decisions. She certainly didn’t think much about your feelings for the past 16 years

IMO, a woman who has the ability to betray for as long your WW is DEFINITELY NOT R material. Please don’t waste anymore of your life and move on.

I'm sorry you're here Crushed. I want to weigh in because I was also the victim of a huge serial cheater. My now very XWW had so many affairs during our 18 year marriage that I still don't know all of them. I'm pretty sure it was a few dozen - some very short, one-night stands, multi-year relationships, etc.

Of course there were signs, in retrospect, but like you I didn't believe them or heed them. It just couldn't be. Not the woman I loved. But it be.

Here's the bottom line - everything will be ok. I remember where I was in the first week - where you are now. It was mind-blowing. My whole world was upside down. Everything I believed about my life and my marriage was blown to smithereens. I get it.

I'm writing about this now 4 years later and I'm here to tell you that it will all work out fine.

I will say that serial cheaters are a unique bunch. Your WW likely had more than the 2 affairs you know about, I'm sorry to say, and you'll probably find out more as time goes on. A search through her emails/computer, etc. will probably yield more unhappy news, I'm willing to be for example. But at the end of the day, my view is that the type of person who could lie to your face and to her children literally every day for more than a decade is beyond repair and that D is the virtual certain result. But it really will work out for you. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't lie and cheat every day of your marriage.

You need to really take care of yourself. It can be hard to eat and stay hydrated but you need to. Exercise. Compartmentalize so you're not focusing on this every moment of every day. Find other things to think about at least some portion of every day.

With time it will get better and better.

Talk to close friends if you haven't already. And family. They will be invaluable to you. I found out I had more friends than I even knew about. They will come out of the woodwork to support you if you give them the chance.

And hang in there - you're in very good company (unfortunately) brother, starting with me.

Crushed

Given that your wife has only been concerned about herself and not you or your marriages for 16 of the 17 you have been married, she understands that.

Take care of you.