SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you BrokenPieces930. I needed that, and suspect others do as well.

I’ve been leaning toward S or D this week. I’ve been asking my WH to talk about HIS feelings since D-day, to no real avail. Instead, it feels to me that all the focus is my pain and his apologies/failures in that regard; like all the space between us is consumed with me and my feelings. That has not been working for me; I’ve always been open & honest with feelings…. he’s always been just the opposite and I feel pretty strongly that had he been able to feel what was going on (let alone express it to me or anyone), he may have been strong enough to avoid the A (or cut it shorter than the 9 years it went on). Perhaps this is naïve – we’ll never know.

Last night, my WH cried – really cried – and shared his own fears and frustrations about the A and our marital status; it was hard for him, but so helpful for me.

Reading your story – reading how a WS actually CAN think about it and dig deeper than “I’m sorry” and “I don’t know why”, coupled with my WH sharing last night, gives me hope. And I’m grateful.

that innocent love where trust lives has gone. The love where you're really proud of your relationship lasting so long because your an untouched couple gone.

^^^^^^this is how I am feeling...and

It's still love, but it's not special anymore.

^^^^^^this also.

We have been married for over 30 years, together for over 36. I was proud of our relationship. We met in high school. Old friends from school would say things about getting it right like us or that we are an inspiration etc. Except they don't know.

I did feel like we had something special. We lasted from high school. We still got along great. We still wanted to be together, we still loved each other. All those feeling are dead and buried now.

That sentence- that innocent love where trust lives has gone.....is so very true. I will never have that innocent love again. I miss it. I miss feeling confident that he would never hurt me. I miss feeling secure. I miss not worrying about whether this new guy is real or fake. I miss the feeling of trusting that everything he tells me is the truth. I miss not wondering if its another lie or can I believe this.

I want to feel secure again but I won't ever feel that again. The security is gone forever for me. I will never be that calm and trusting again.

I will never have blind trust again and i will never just believe that what he is saying is the truth. I will always have that little voice telling me it could all be a lie.

To me its like being in love....but.....

I have to agree with strugglebus' comment and yours. My story is one similar to yours.... love is different now and very different from where it was right after the A. My husband and I, with the help of a counselor, processed, contemplated, and discovered how and why the A happened and it made us able to forgive and restore our marriage to an even greater and stronger love. Neither of us expected to go through an A, but on this side of 19 years after the A our love for each other is stronger and better than ever. Just be patient with each other, honestly and openly talk through your feelings, and forgive each other often.

Found so much of what has been written here to reflect my emotional roller coaster. One day I am full of hope for the future and what it may hold and then the next I am asking myself how can I stay with the woman who did this to us? I know what I want, I'm just not sure that we are going to get there and I'm not sure it will be enough if we do.

I know, sorry, I think I know what we once had, apparently not. But I feel that it is dead. My wife killed it the night she contacted an old boyfriend. She cremated it the night she went on the first date and then spread the ashes around each hotel they visited and his cottage they used over the next 15 plus years. There is still love there but not the same as it was.

I would tell my wife that if she needed a heart and mine would work for her, that I would find a way to see that she got it. Now, after seeing how she handled it all these years, I'm not so sure I could trust her to use it wisely.

I enjoy hearing how things can be better than before the A but wonder how that can be true if we BS's feel that things were good/great before the A started. I know the years that the A was going on sucked and I know I don't want that ever again. I know I don't want the person that my wife became during that time. So what's the goal?

Some really great analogies here. I feel we had Mahogany for 20 years. And it was beautiful. At only 5 months post D-Day, I'm still trying to pull all the nails out. TT still banging them back in at times. But my wife is trying and she has been since D-Day.

Me: BS

Married: 36 years

Together: 41 Years

Affair: 15 plus Years

3 D/D all grown up

D-Day: 11/05/17 My 60th birthday present.

All I asked for was the truth that day.

It's still dripping out a little each week.

Hopeful is all I can say. Hope is all I have.

[This message edited by FoolishSOB at 6:18 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

Some parts of my love for my wife are untouched:

• I still want what is best for her in everything

• I still want to be the challenge to her hesitation in life

• I still care that she takes care of herself

• I still care that she gets a nutritious meal and a good night's sleep

• I still want to leave her better than I found her

But what is changed is the part that made me feel special, like she returned my love in kind and then some. What is gone is the belief that thoughts of me come first, and come often, to her throughout the day, and the comfort of knowing that. It's like she traded being responsible for my well-being in for taking care of herself. I feel like she couldn't bother to think about how massively her actions would have an impact on me, on us, on our marriage and relationship.

Edited to add:

The night I found out that she had been seeing her ex for six months, d-day, I recall a distinct feeling about love. And I recall telling her that during all our years together I had always felt like maybe I never loved her quite as much, as strong, as deep, as she loved me ... but that upon learning of her infidelity I realized that my love had been strong, and true, and faithful, and pure. I even said out loud that I now knew I loved her more than I had thought I did. And that made me terribly sad, because now I knew she did not carry that same fidelity of love that I did. Now I knew that for a time she came first, her needs and selfishness came before honor and respect. As I became a broken puddle on the floor, a crushed heart, bleeding out, I felt that hope of truly reciprocal love leave the house.

[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 3:48 AM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

Last night, my WH cried – really cried – and shared his own fears and frustrations about the A and our marital status; it was hard for him, but so helpful for me.

This brought tears to my eyes. I would give anything to find my wife this broken, because I feel we can fix that! It is the stubborn refusal to allow herself the vulnerability to feel so deeply that can't be fixed, and that scares me.

[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 3:57 AM, March 13th (Tuesday)]