SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You don't currently have a marriage. As long as he's in the mix you don't have a chance.

Your only chance now would be full exposure but you are so afraid. You're afraid you'll push her away. Don't be she's already left.

I doubt you'll do anything right now so you will continue to live in infidelity which in her eyes makes you look weak and unattractive.

Look deep. You are currently sharing your wife with another man. That wont get you much.

Better wake up

I feel for you. Seems you are destined to learn the hard way!

Its so obvious.. your wife has a blatant disrespect for you ...

why?, Cos you have let her get away with shit (most likely for a very long time). I am afraid no advice is going to do you any good, if you are not going to man up.

I'm a total newbie. But..

It won't mean anything coming from you. I mean it won't mean anything for YOU. It might satisfy your immediate need to stop the contact between them... but for their no contact to be meaningful to you, I would think you would need her to be the driver for that.

Juanpaolog625,

You said you don't want to win the battle to lose the war. In this case I don't think you have a chance to "win the war" if you don't start winning some battles. That analogy might work in some cases, but not yours.

What first caught my eye was your initial question about "texting the AP to stop or else."

Do you STILL consider this guy a friend? Your post reminds me of my DS's situation almost 4 years ago when he discovered his now xW was cheating with someone he had considered a friend previously. He confronted the guy and he actually backed off! But this pissed off his wife so she immediately went out and found another. He tried to get this next guy to back off too, but it didn't happen. She left for the new guy and is still with him almost 4 years later now. I guess part of the point here is that it probably matters more about what your W is doing than what the OM is doing.

So you're still having sex with your wife while she's also having sex with this other bloke, my friend you don't know where this guy has been and you're exposing yourself to the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Whatever you're playing at stop it, stop gambling with your life and start to think smarter.

LEAVE HER.

[This message edited by OneLittleVictory at 10:36 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]

I still love her uncondionally in spite of everything.

You love her "uncondionally" no matter what the hell she does. Why then should she stop doing whatever she wants?

2x4 incoming. And this will be graphic.

I am initiating our sex of 2 to 3 times a week now for me to express my love for her. She enjoys our sex but avoids kissing me intimately

She avoids kissing you intimately not because she doesn't want to demean you - as several hours ago OM finished on her face (she can still feel his taste on her lips) - but because she is trying to be faithful to him.

Stop "Pick Me" dance.

I still love her uncondionally in spite of everything. I married her as she was a very principled woman. I view her now as a lost sheep and I feel am responsible to guide her back to her real sense of thought. I am initiating our sex of 2 to 3 times a week now for me to express my love for her. She enjoys our sex but avoids kissing me intimately. I can sense though that she is just doing her obligation as a wife. BTW, they are still in contact with each other. This is what is bothering me

It SHOULD bother you! She is openly having an affair in front of your face!!!

She is not a principled woman. She has poor boundaries and a hell of a nerve to disrespect you the way she is.

She is not a lost sheep, and you are NOT responsible to "fix" her. She is a manipulative liar.

And you have every right to look at her phone.

Please, if you have not, read up on the 180 in the healing library and begin to detach yourself from her. She has no remorse and it does not seem she is going to stop the affair. And as long as she is in that mindset there cannot be any reconciliation. As others have said, you cannot "nice" or "love" her back into the marriage.

I'm sorry you had to find us. I know the advise is harsh but it is the collective wisdom of 60k+ members, and it is solid.

You are hurting and scared and I’m so so sorry that you’re in this position.

But the truth that many of us found out the hard way is that you can’t make your wife love you by being amazing, by being loving, forgiving, reasonable or kind. You can’t make your wife love you by making the AP disappear. You can ONLY set boundaries for what you accept moving forward and stick to them and the marriage will or will not fall in line with those boundaries.

If you do not want a marriage where your wife is in contact with her affair partner, you can only stop being married to a wife who is contacting her affair partner.

In other words, if you ask to see who she is texting and she refuses and threatens separation, accept. Accept her separation. Ask her when is she moving out? Help her pack her bags. Don’t talk about your relationship or your love for one another, if she tries to change the subject just stick to your line: “I want to see who you are texting. You are hiding things from me. This is not a marriage. Until you are willing to be open and honest and end your affair including ending all communication, we are not married.”

If she wants the marriage, she will eventually end the affair. If she wants the affair more, why would you want to hang on to someone like that?

We say this because many of us are married to people who put their affair first. We want to protect you from making mistakes like we did: believing ANYTHING without clear evidence, accepting less than we deserve, and showing love to someone who showed nothing but contempt in return.

You’re a human being. She’s treating you like dirt. She does not respect you. You have to respect yourself.

Is there such a law about invading one's privacy even if it is your wife's?

I am so deeply touched by all your comments and advises. I feel so lost and want to end my life, but you give me strength to see a better perspective of where I am now. Thank you so much. I appreciate your time and support. God bless and reward you all.

OP,

If you want to save your marriage, you're taking the worst possible approach. As you do the "pick me" dance your wife loses even more respect for you and with that, attraction. You are absolutely rug sweeping her A and being her door mat.

The right approach is simple. She must accept all consequences and demonstrate that she will do anything to save her marriage.

To include:

She must stop all contact.

She must send him a no contact letter.

She will truthfully discuss details of the A anytime you want to.

She gets tested for STD's.

She is completely transparent with her devices and time away from you.

She accepts that you will expose her to her family and yours.

She accepts narrower marital boundaries.

She demonstrates genuine remorse.

If she doesn't accept all of these consequences, you file for divorce, implement the 180, and put her out of your bedroom (and that means stop having sex with her).

If you are not willing to end your marriage to have the best chance of saving it, you will be in a miserable false R and she will continue cheating - until she finds the right OM for an exit affair.

As for as contacting the OM; that's just another display of weakness. It's as if you're all but admitting to him (and her) that your wife isn't going to stop cheating with him on her own. Don't contact him. Deal with her.

You need to change your mindset in a hurry.

[This message edited by badmemory at 2:16 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

OP, nothing will change because you still do

nothing. Expose.

Is there such a law about invading one's privacy even if it is your wife's?

It doesn't matter what the law says, it matters what you say. For a remorseful WW, there is no privacy. That's a consequence she has to accept. The one possible exception is when she using the bathroom - without her cell phone.

[This message edited by badmemory at 2:34 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

JP,

Get that thought of ending your life out of your head.

You have a wonderful life ahead of you with endless opportunities to feel the love and compassion you deserve. Take the advice here of how to get out of this hell hole that you have been thrown in.

Once you pull yourself out you will be free from that dead weight and able to be happy. You can and will do it! I believe in you man!

Please explain how you can still love someone who has ripped out your heart, stomped on it and kicked it across the room and flagrantly continues her sexcapades affair with another man. And she doesn't even care that you know what she is doing. How much total disrespect can you stomach? It is passed time for you to get mad and start burning some cheating people's world to the ground. I am not attacking you but when I read something like your situation I get angry for you. I guess it is because, after the life I lived that was filled with danger and violence, I do my best not to intentionally cause hurt to anyone. But if someone intentionally hurts me then I am going to do whatever I can to burn their world down around feet. Respect yourself and remove yourself from that which is causing you hurt. I will tell you what I have told others. There are too many good women in the world to shackle yourself to a bad one. She doesn't love you or respect you. Leave because you can replace her just as fast as she replaced you. I do wish you well.

Tell his wife that her husband is in an affair with your wife. Send her examples of their messages etc as proof and don’t tell your W about your plan. Let’ them figure it out. I’m sure you will here everything from your we later.

I am so deeply touched by all your comments and advises. I feel so lost and want to end my life, but you give me strength to see a better perspective of where I am now. Thank you so much. I appreciate your time and support. God bless and reward you all.

If you ever need someone to talk to, please lean on me.

I know what you are going through. Trust me, I know your pain. Just know this woman is not worth your life.

Please understand, we've been through this before. We know what works best in most cases.

but the VERY best thing you can do for yourself, right now, is get out of infidelity.

YES, ask her for the phone. Dont ask, DEMAND IT!! If she doesn't give it to you right then and there start packing her stuff and tell her there will be no secrets in your marriage.

If she stays and you want to offer her a chance at reconciliation, you will be out of infidelity.

If she leaves and stays gone forever, you are out of infidelity.

Ask yourself, do you want to share your wife with another man? Is this acceptable in any way?

The answer is no and you must do something about it in order to change it. One way or another, you must get out of infidelity.

You have to be willing to risk the marriage in order to save it. Right now, you don't even have a marriage, so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I wish you the best of luck. If you need someone to talk to, do not hesitate to reach out to others here. We know your pain.

Wow! I guess I blew it out of proportion. I had an argument with my wife coming home 2 hours late from work and I asked her why she was late. She answered "you don't have to know". Although she told me beforehand that she is going to be late due to work. But why the answer "you don't have to know"? She always gets away with it before as I don't ask any more further questions because she is tired from work. I felt a doormat again. This triggered me to man up and asked for her phone to check. She refused because we have been done already a long time ago and that I don't have the right anymore. I said real nasty words to her about her behaviour and how immoral she is to even invite her affair partner (introduced to me as a cousin, who happens to be not) to sleep over several times at my house with our 4 kids. I was so furious and agitated by her reaction when she exclaimed that I was the one at fault for putting her in that state because she wasn't happy with me all along. BTW, honest as I am, I confessed to her before that I had a "one night stand" twice with the same masseuse. My mistake! She accuses me of having an affair first which is not true at all. I told her that I never had an affair in the course of our marriage, but she refuses to believe probably to justify her situation. For the 1St time, after 20 years of marriage, I was the one who called for a separation. Her reply? "I don't care if you tell the world about what happened. I just want to get out of this marriage". I am in the hospital now with hypertension. I assured her that I will tell her parents and friends about it since she doesn't care. I don't know the consequences yet when I do this, but I will do it anyways hoping she would put a stop to their illicit affair.

[This message edited by Juanpaolo625 at 7:09 AM, March 13th (Tuesday)]