SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife is driving me out of our house. The house is under both our names. She claims that it is hers alone though as she pays for its mortgage. I pay for the bills, car, food (as I am the one cooking), household furnitures and equipments, etc. I feel that my kids are not safe with her. That being said, do I have the right to drive her out of our house since she was the one who violated the safety of our family? She is not a good example to our children. For many years now, we all go to church weekly, except for my wife. She used to go to church with us. I recall, in many instances, that the guy would stay over alone with her in the house while we were all in church. I believed they were cousins. He used to sleep over at our house prior to my discovery of the affair. Where do I stand? I don't know the legal aspect of this.

[This message edited by Juanpaolo625 at 8:48 AM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

If you live in the US, neither one of you has the legal authority to make the other spouse leave the house. Unless, she can charge you with domestic abuse and have a judge order you to leave.

You'd be well advised to carry a recording device with you at all times to protect yourself from a false charge by her. Believe me, it happens all the time.

If the house is in both your names, neither of you can force the other to leave.

Please, for your safety, get a voice activated recorder app on your phone and keep it on whenever you interact with her. It is very common for an angry wayward to falsely accuse the spouse of domestic violence.

Do you have joint bank accounts? If so, immediately open one in your name only and move half of the joint money into your account.

Now is the time for a hard 180 and some consultations with attorneys to see what options you have regarding divorce.

I do believe that since you are one of the owners of the house you can keep the OM from coming there. Talk to your lawyer about this.

I had it voice recorded when we had an open aggression. She denies having an affair but I heard her say I love you to him over voice recording. I have lost total trust in her. How the hell can she redeem herself after all her denials?

Get the book or online PDF "No More Mr. Nice Guy". While being a kind, loving person is part of your character, you need to see the pattern of being "nice" with your wife (especially right now) is opening you up for more abuse and mistreatment from her.

For the 1St time, after 20 years of marriage, I was the one who called for a separation.

Good for you! However, since you just stood up to her, she now knows that her old tactics aren't working and she will quickly adapt to go on the offensive.

My wife is driving me out of our house. The house is under both our names. She claims that it is hers alone though as she pays for its mortgage.

This was her first offensive move. She is using her standard lies, manipulation and control to try to get you to do what she wants, but in an entirely different way.

She can't kick you out -- you co-own the home. You need to know your legal rights so that she doesn't trick you into doing something that will play to your disadvantage.

Please be on guard for any attempts to push you into anger and/or some situation where you grab her (even in self-defense). There have been multiple cases where this is used to allege domestic violence quickly followed by a restraining order effectively separating you from your kids and kicking you out of the house.

I don't know the legal aspect of this.

See a lawyer ASAP. You need to know your rights.

You also need to, as quickly as possible, recognize that your wife is extremely self-centered and will lie, cheat, manipulate, control, etc. to get what she wants. Please be very wary of everything she does and make sure to protect yourself.

I do believe that since you are one of the owners of the house you can keep the OM from coming there. Talk to your lawyer about this.

Definitely talk to your lawyer, but the problem is that your wife is a co-owner and can invite the OM into the home. A restraining order or petitioning for exclusive use of the house may be required to keep the OM away.

I assured her that I will tell her parents and friends about it

There are two issues with this statement. First, you've objected to the affair, she has continued it and you haven't actually followed through with any actions. So she has learned that your words mean nothing and that she can do whatever she wants. Don't threaten -- do. Second, don't reveal your thoughts or plans to her as it helps her understand your strategy and to take steps to be ahead of you. She is in this 100% for herself and she will use any insight or advantage she can in order to hurt you, get money/assets and/or gain more custody of the kids.

She accuses me of having an affair first

At least you now know what lies she is going to try to spread to her family and friends. I'd bet that she has already started and if she hasn't, that she either will soon or that she has crafted a story to give to her family/friends when they ask about what you've told them.

You can't control how her family/friends react. It seems that more often than not, family will align with their own, so don't go in with the expectation that everyone is going to be supportive of you. With that being said -- don't share your strategy/plans with anyone that could take that information back to your wife. While I believe that exposure is a good move, how you do it is important so that there is no room for your wife to play the "he is crazy/mentally unbalanced" or "he is unreasonably jealous about just a friendship" angles. Let others know that you've discovered an affair with someone that your wife claimed was a cousin and how she setup with the kids as being an "uncle", that she refuses to stop and that you are concerned both for her and the kids, but that things are deteriorating and you wanted them both to know why directly from you and to be in a position to help her given that she won't respond to reason. Then expect that they won't be very helpful and be pleasantly surprised if they are.

Very helpful advises. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Another question I would like to ask ìs; after declaring to her that we are done and over, would I now have no rights to ask her whereabouts and further information about the affair, etc.? Can she basically do whatever she wants without consulting me? She said that we are now both on our own. Seems like I have given her the wheels to control. Do i have the right to set boundaries? No one of us wants to step out of our room. Please advise.

I feel that if I don't advise her of my whereabouts, it'll open the door for her to do the same.

On the other hand, if I would let her know by sms, would I not appear as if I am still working on a reconciliation (my true desire, with provisions) after telling her it's over? Confused!

Dude, she is an unrepentant wife. She doesn't get it. She needs to be shocked into it, because she will not stop until she is.

Call a lawyer ASAP. Start divorce proceedings. Time to play hardball.

Don't leave unless the lawyer tell you to.

Another question I would like to ask ìs; after declaring to her that we are done and over, would I now have no rights to ask her whereabouts and further information about the affair, etc.? Can she basically do whatever she wants without consulting me? She said that we are now both on our own. Seems like I have given her the wheels to control. Do i have the right to set boundaries? No one of us wants to step out of our room. Please advise.

You need to think about this a little differently. You couldn't control her when you were married. You are certainly not able to control her when you are divorcing. Just talk to your attorney about things like exclusive use of your home and possibly getting a Restraining Order to keep the OM out of your house. Unfortunately you may have to go through some hell here with her flaunting the OM in your face. Lots of folks here have had to live with their Wayward Spouse in a kind of in-house separation while divorcing. It is not pleasant. The 180, see the Healing Library links, is meant to get you to detach emotionally so that you can move to indifference to her behavior.

dbl post

[This message edited by twisted at 3:13 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

after declaring to her that we are done and over, would I now have no rights to ask her whereabouts and further information about the affair, etc.? Can she basically do whatever she wants without consulting me? She said that we are now both on our own. Seems like I have given her the wheels to control. Do i have the right to set boundaries?

Goodness.

First, this begs the question; If you have declared that you are done and over, why would you care about her whereabouts, her affair, what she does and what her boundaries are? You are done and over.

Second, you wouldn't have these "rights" even if you were happily married. You might have those expectations and if she loved you she would probably meet them, but at the end of the day she is free to do whatever she wants; and you are free to divorce her if you can't accept that.

[This message edited by badmemory at 3:55 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

Can she basically do whatever she wants without consulting me?

Before your wife taking advantage of the finances, home, family and childcare all while having an affair. The only difference now is that she has dropped the pretense. I'd say that this is actually an advantage because you now know that she was never really interested in reconciling, but in just using you.

You may also experience another "advantage". She may end up displaying behavior that will give you evidence with which you can gain more custody of your kids and a better settlement should things progress to divorce. Please consult your lawyer.

She seemed threatened by the fact that I will expose her affair to family members and friends, but she says otherwise that she doesn't care. She claims I don't and have not loved her, probably hoping I will refrain from doing it to prove to her otherwise. I am financially drained now and am thinking of selling the house to move out with my kids. This, I think, will shock her to realize that I am dead serious about the intensity of what she has bestowed on us. Our 3 boys ages 13, 15 and 20 is definitely mine as they hate their mother's character and behaviour. Our daughter, 17, is also mine (no bargain) as she is a bad example to her. None of the kids know about her affair. I'm afraid it will affect them psychologically. I guess I have indeed blew it out of proportion. I initially just wanted her to have remorse and willingness to change and reconcile. Will she ever wake up?

[This message edited by Juanpaolo625 at 4:33 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

Will she ever wake up?

Nobody here knows. You seem to want someone to tell you that this is going to be okay. That if you just do a few things your wife will come running back to you or somehow there are some steps you can take to stop her and control her. The truth is that you can't. The only thing you can do is get yourself out of infidelity. Whether she comes along is up to her. From what you have written it doesn't sound like she will but it is entirely her choice. There really is no way to manipulate or control her into that.

You need to take control of your life. Get yourself out of this condition. Move out of infidelity. Start the divorce process. It might wake her up. Probably won't. But it will get you out of this hellish existence. Your kids will be fine. They will not be affected psychologically permanently. They may have issues with their relationship with their mother. That is not your concern. They will respect you and they will understand how a married couple is supposed to act. Your kids are older. Do not be surprised if they don't know more of what is going on than you think they do.

Will she ever wake up?

She will never wake up if you do nothing. Your only leverage is the threat of walking away. This is why you MUST see a lawyer about the details before hand, to protect yourself and the kids. You need to act before she does. Who files first can make a huge difference.

You may not actually go through with it, but it will get her attention, and just maybe lead to something you could salvage, if you still wanted to.

I feel your are so confused and going about this all wrong.

I dont care if you were not the perfect Husband, and apparently you werent (you dont even consider ONS an affair or an offense to your M and wife)

She probably has genuine complains about you, BUT, having an affair is NOT the solution for M problems. SO, the Affair and whatever happens now as a consequence is on her.

If this is an exit Affair after MANY years of asking you to work on M, help with kids, home, go counseling and you never listened, you are still responsible for problems in the M but not for the Affair.

If you want to have a 1% chance to save your Marriage, you have to:

- Expose, to all family, yours, hers, and especially your kids (They are old enough and deal much better with the truth)

EXPOSE but dont tell her in advance (by now she most likely already started to say to some family members how bad of a husband you are and whatever to make you look bad)

EXPOSE, Just do it, all at once, all in the same day to everyone.

She will be very mad at you and will tell you that because of exposure you definitely killed the marriage

Get a lawyer and get to know your rights.

AND please calm dowm, and please tell us your story:

How long married, when were the ONS and when and how did your wife found out.

When did you find about her A and when did it started.

Were there issues on the marriage your wife or you complained to each other about, etc

I’m sorry for your pain, but I think this needs some clarification:

BTW, honest as I am, I confessed to her before that I had a "one night stand" twice with the same masseuse. My mistake! She accuses me of having an affair first which is not true at all. I told her that I never had an affair in the course of our marriage, but she refuses to believe probably to justify her situation.

Did you have these “one night stands” while married or committed to your wife? Or was it prior to your relationship?

If it was while you were committed, this would still be infidelity on your part. I think this is relevant.

Your so good, wanting the best but really your wife needs to go with the new rules if she still wants to be your wife. No secrets. Sorry but she has to quit all this, every last bit. You have to insist and there have to be consequences. Waiting for her to do the right thing won't work.

She can't have it all, it's an honest marriage with you or she has to go to another life and let you find happiness.