SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

the bigger the departments, the more the leaks. Did you try and call the # from a burner phone and see who picked up ? OIA or medical ?

If it's OIA, then you should file a complaint. If it's medical then you might be ok.

Regardless, in 36 hours, it will be a moot point what she knows and what she doesn't

You are wise to be utilizing the time in the interim to get your ducks in a row.

Not only am I a cop, I am from NJ originally so your state sucks for men in divorce situations. However, alimony will be moot because of her position and living out of infidelity is the most important thing anyway.

Here are two final thoughts.

1) Keep copies of all evidence and also keep it maybe where you work. If she loses her shit and tries to false DV you, and we know it happens, I spent 6 years in DV as a supervisor and have helped DV for an additional 18 and we see BS orders all the time - including ones advised by divorce attorneys-, then you will have leverage as you could always use the evidence you have to blow her and possibly her career up. Not saying that's a good thing but if she was and coming and loses her composure, you have the 'evening out' mechanism to protect yourself.

2) Keep tabs on her today. You should know what she's up to.

Is this other jackass at the training venue with her ?

I like your decisiveness. I too couldn't overcome your situation either and R. I think it's a cop's mentality. Pride, strength, decisiveness, and fighting the good fight. We believe in loyalty and fidelity, which is disturbing that we are known to have high levels of infidelity. We all know it's not a lot of us - the ones on the good side will be the last people to ever cheat IMO

Onetime,

...it's amazing how kids can detect things...

This is why you have to have a game plan for how, when, and what you tell them. What you don't tell them, their minds will make up. So start thinking about this now. And don't have just one conversation. Lean into it. A bit down the line notify the schools so they can watch for behavioral changes. Throwing all of your love into them will help you get through this. That plus your own self care are critical.

You have unlimited support here.

Is this other jackass at the training venue with her ?

I actually was wondering the same thing. Or if you have verified she really is flying to training and not instead meeting him. Will she really be at the airport to be served?

I feel for you. It never ceases to amaze me how someone can profess love and devotion to their spouse and then end up In The arms and bed of another, only to return to their family. It makes me so angry.

But to then add to the equation that the person is in law enforcement and has to know right from wrong as part of their profession, that makes my mind explode.

Have you lined up Individual Counselors for you and your kids yet? It’d probably be a good thing to do today.

If WW eventually really shows remorse she will need it to.

Don’t commit to MC with her. Broken people need to fix themselves first before working to fix their marriage.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:10 AM, March 26th (Monday)]

Another boy in blue here. Youre making all the right moves. I realize the OBS is some two hours away but if possible a face to face meeting is best. Maybe meet her half way just before your WW is served. You will learn much more meeting the OBS in person. For what its worth thats what I did when I outed my ex es affair with a married federal correctional staff officer. A co- worker of course. I am employed an still am by one of the local police deptS. Maintain your cool in regards to POS OM.The best revenge you can do is to tell his wife. Stay strong for you, stay strong for your kids.

Another poster mentioned, why leave the house?

I would mention this to lawyer as well.

Is it just that you want a sane, quiet place to retreat to?

That's fine, but do consider that it's your house and she cheated. Perhaps she ought to be the one to leave?

Probably a moot point but just a thought.

You have a well formulated plan, so stick to it.

Stay strong brother.

Hey,

Needed some rest and thanks to Dr. And ambien. As for her training class, I had it verified and just got a copy of attendees,he won't be there, not scheduled. Had a friend there supply me a copy,I like to frame achievements for her and kids, so he didn't even question it. I was able to confirm the number that called actually belonged to her medical department, not IAD, but was just strange and my mind going 360, not thinking clearly at times. But rest did me real good. Be back little while, she just got home with kids. One time out!!

Good luck tomorrow. I think your going to need it. I would keep one of those Vars on you. It wouldn't be nothing for her to turn this around on you and say you abused her or something else. Especially if she feels you could hurt her career.

C

One time,

I am a BW and truly understand your pain. My WH had 4 LTA over the span of 12 years of our marriage (we have been married 21). To say I was shocked and distressed is an understatement. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, the mind movies were too much, as for many here. I thought my pre A self would have never considered R with someone who could lie, deceive, betray and cause such pain....but I am still here, considering R, as he does a lot of hard work in IC to discover how he was so broken.

I know I am a newbie here and you are hearing from people around much longer than I, but as a health professional, I would urge you to consider the impact telling the children will have on them long term. They can never unhear your words. If you are set on your actions and there is no room for any other possible outcome, then of course, you will have to tell them something. However, if the possibility of a different outcome exists, I would urge you to wait so they don't live with that uncertainty and worry, particularly because it is something over which they can exert no control to make anything better.

I do applaud you for taking action, being decisiveness and not allowing yourself to stand in the face of the infidelity. I too thought I knew what I would do, until it stared me directly in the face and my line blurred as my world crumbled.

I don't know what the future holds, none of us truly do, but for now, I am present, waiting to see the possibilities.

Good luck and I am sorry you are here.

how far away is this training class ? I know she's flying there.

You furnished the apartment today. How did that go ?

Are you moving in there tomorrow ?

Are you prepared for her crocodile tears ?

Hi, all

Just came back from dinner, kids idea take mom out, no biggie, sitting there talking and she says you look very stressed especially last several day's, she even said I asked boys also if they were behavioring for you and not have you take them all over. ( I always crumble for kids ) In my mind O you don't want this here, just said been tired stressed that's why I'm trying to work out more, get energy. Her Mom, calls to say hi before she goes, and hear her say I think I am. She hangs up and says I'm gonna cancel, I'm worried about you, let's go to Dr. In morning. I say I appreciate the thought but I will go, you do what you have to, it's for your future. She keeps saying no, no, finally she says ok, I will see how you feel in Morning and decide.

Now I'm scratching head,saying why are you doing this to me and kids, just go, I know she still cares obviously something is missing I will convince her in Morning. I made sure earlier what to do and in order, I will have a VAR on me, also I use my phone and record from background so no one will see if they look at phone. But only other person that knows is my Dr. Been with him a long time, while talking only thing he would hold off on and several people on here said same thing was talking to kids, he suggested from experience that your mind says this now, but you never know what your heart will say in a week. I paused and looked at him and said thanks Doc. Now I'm second guessing myself. So I'm gonna think on that, but if anyone has been thru this, did you ever say were done but attempted to work it out? If so did it work. In my mind i would always be thonking about it and go crazy.thats why I don't think I can, Just curious.

I will be calling his wife once her plane leaves, I'm 80% sure he is working so just have to hope she meets me half way instead of calling him and start asking. I'm sure she is gonna ask who the women is, what's her name etc. Should I just say that's one thing he must give you, I'm just exposing it, will show some details but you need to have him explain. Just wondering she could call Job, worst sceniro I found out, depends on several factors but demotion would be worst to vacation days 30 lost for wife if exposed. But she knows and has some big hooks up there, if you know what I mean.

I will be off rest of week, just had today on, so won't have that to juggle.

Well gonna attempt to get rest, it's going to be a busy day tomorrow.

Thank you to all!! Truly mean that this site and you all have gave me great advice and helped me these past couple days.

If I can't sleep, will stop in later.

One time out!!

I’m so sorry about this situation.

I told my teens by telling them that their mother is making some bad decisions, and we may be getting divorced. I also reminded them that no matter what, both of their parents will live them and always be there for them.

I did this to make sure that she did not try to change the facts as to the reason we were heading down this horrible road.

I’m sorry, but do you really think there will ever be a reconciliation? Could you look at yourself in the mirror know what she has done to you and your family? Is this what you want your children to see you as?

Good luck and stay strong

was the apartment furnished today?

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 8:38 PM, March 26th (Monday)]

I will be calling his wife once her plane leaves, I'm 80% sure he is working so just have to hope she meets me half way instead of calling him and start asking. I'm sure she is gonna ask who the women is, what's her name etc. Should I just say that's one thing he must give you, I'm just exposing it, will show some details but you need to have him explain. Just wondering she could call Job, worst sceniro I found out, depends on several factors but demotion would be worst to vacation days 30 lost for wife if exposed. But she knows and has some big hooks up there, if you know what I mean.

Don't play games (it's weak) be upfront. Men say what's on their mind. She deserves the full truth. What if you were her?

Don't worry about them. Consequences for bad behavior is a good thing.

So I don't want to read too much in to stuff but when you first said....

noticed 2 calls from her job, but not normal number, I check it out it's located where her medical department is located but also Internal affairs. Did someone call her to give heads up,but this is where it's confusing,if I recall she mentioned she had to see medical before training course.

My gut said they only call if its a confidential and important matter. Like heart condition, really high cholesterol, etc, or something a little more personal. and since she hasn't told you anything, that leave out the life threatening stuff, but still important enough to call twice.

Then today you said

Her Mom, calls to say hi before she goes, and hear her say I think I am. She hangs up and says I'm gonna cancel, I'm worried about you,

That may seem pretty straight forward to some, but is it possible she wants to cancel for another reason? In my gut i feel that when she said "I think I am" to your MIL that she was saying something else... Putting the medical calls and the "I think I am" together ....

Is it possible she is pregnant?

Filing for D upfront says you won't put up with bad behavior. A good thing.

Just because you file dioesnt mean you can't delay it later.

IMO this is the best way. Your marriage is over. Would you marry her now? That's what R is.

Onetime,

There is a whole forum of people who have R and a forum for those who have gone the path of D. You will find the opinions you receive from others are usually biased towards their chosen path, their personal hurts, their experiences, their lines in the sand. You have to figure out what is best for you, for your circumstance, for you and your children to heal. Either is very possible and you have control in which path you take.

As someone working on R, it is not an easy journey. It has many peaks and valleys, as I expect D does as well. Our IC and MC suggest the hurt and triggers dissipate more quickly with D, one moves on so to speak. You don't continue to live with the person who caused you such pain, but I think there are other areas of loss associated with it. That said, there are many stories of people who persevered, did the work and came out the other side stronger. I can't yet say that, I am still in the thick of working on it.

When I look in the mirror, I do not see a weak woman staring back, nor do I feel I am modelling poorly for my children, quite the opposite actually. I think R requires enormous strength and should not be entered into lightly. The WS has to show genuine remorse and demonstrate the behaviours to support their words to show they are a safe partner. Of course there is a risk, isn't there always? It's a leap of faith, based on the evidence before you. Sometimes partners are not safe, are not doing the work or the betrayal is too much for a person to overcome and D is the outcome required to heal, find peace and continue to move forward.

There is no shame in either course, you have not chosen this path in life, you were put here by your WW and for that I am genuinely sorry. I don't think any of us thought we would be here, nor did many of us respond in the manner in which we likely thought we would.

I know your job requires split second decision making, taking action, so this is contrary to what is "normal" for you. Give yourself permission to take your time, it is not a sprint (sadly). You now have the power to choose your path forward and have taken steps to gain that power. Give yourself the gifts of time and a clear mind. This is all so very new for you.

Wishing you peace and healing.

OneTime

Let me start by stating how well you are working through this. So many of us find this awful set of circumstances stifling, leaving us unable to act, let alone think clearly. It must be your professional training that helps you, but even with that, I doubt you ever expected to be using it for such personal matters. This stuff isn’t easy for anyone.

To answer your question, yes. Some of Those hard set at D, saying Infidelity is a deal breaker have found something to latch onto and potentially save their marriage, finding a way to see the good through the awful. Others that couldn’t imagine living without their spouse, even after such a betrayal, realized months or years later that they couldn’t make it happen and ended up dissolving the Union.

And there’s is a whole spectrum of storylines in between those extremes.

The point of the whole emotional roller coaster youre about to step on is that you cannot predict the path it will take, when the highs or lows will hit, or where it will end up. There will be many surprises along the way. No matter how well thought out you think you have it, the unplanned will hit you every time.

With that said, I want to suggest something. Ignore it if doesn’t resonate with you. We are different people, I realize, so I don’t expect every suggestion I make to hit home with every original poster.

But what I want to suggest is in the morning, ask her not to go. Why make her fly just to get served. She is already sensing something is wrong. Making her take the flight just to get served and most likely turn around and fly home doesn’t make you the better person here. And You are the better person, It is completely true, so why not behave that way.

You can still serve her. Tell her you thought about it and she should stay. Tell her you set up a dr appt and after the kids go to school you’d like her to go with you.

Then when the time comes fornthe appt tell her you need to talk. Set it up with the lawyer to have her served After she and you have a brief talk. Maybe if you live somewhere warm go somewhere public but not crowded to talk and have them serve her there. Or do it at home with the VAR running.

If it were me I’d say something like “what you’ve noticed the last week is my broken heart. I know you are sleeping with officer Asshat. I have proof. Please don’t deny it. That will add insult to injury. I don’t understand why you have done this. But you can no longer do it as my wife.

Today you will be served divorce papers to start the process of terminating legally the marriage you ended by having an affair. We will have some time to discuss this if you are even interested in doing so, but for the time being I am moving out of the house and we will share custody of the children.

I have no idea why you have done this. But it has severely damaged our family. I am devastated and don’t see us ever recovering from what you have done.”

Then if possible have the server deliver the papers. After that happens you could even call the OBS right there and tell her what you intend to communicate to her. If you want to expose your wife to her you can even say something like “Mrs OBS, you don’t know me but I just served divorce papers to my wife for having an A and sleeping with your husband. I’m glad to answer any questions you may have “

Listen, I know you’re a confident man, and you’ll probably say these things better than I can. But my point is, why make her fly and then fly back home. It’s your right, and no one will blame you, but it won’t help your cause any. You’re a good guy. Don’t act out of character. Serving her at home is dramatic enough.

With that said, I won’t blame you one bit if you do follow thru with your plan as you laid it out. No one trains for this situation and you are handling it very well. I just think since she already started sensing something is wrong and wants to stay it makes sense to let her and do it there where you are, and not a 4 hr flight away.

But as I said, we are different people with different ideas and you are the owner of this process, not me. If this helped you in any way, I’m glad. If you disagree, I have absolutely no issue with it.

Good luck tomorrow.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:22 PM, March 26th (Monday)]

Good luck today.

Stay strong and stick to your plan!

I just outed pos and stbx this weekend. I had her served at the hotel they were going to spend the weekend, your plan is solid.

You know what you should do, and even though it stinks, you know you MUST do it

Good luck today

Morning,

Will say, it's amazing when you are faced with a challenge and can't talk to anyone close, there is help elsewhere, I was hesitant to ask for advice, help but this is the help people need, someone who walked those shoes and experienced the events first hand. Thank you,

The reason I ask alot of questions because I look at statistics also at times, but always rely on gut & instinct. Find your first resolution is usallly best.

However when it comes to children, and countless times while at work, children's experience with someone in my position first interaction is how they will see that person in the future. Now when it comes to mine, and a decision I'm making will effect them. I won't bad mouth there mom, because she is there mother.

Got back last night,

whole family watching a movie, her mom & brother stop by, her brother is in medical field, her mom was concerned with my not feeling well, someone close in family had similar symptoms and passed away at a early age. Within last year. I just say I'm just little tired, running around Latley, so let him check things. Blood pressure little high, tell them all, I'm fine, I will see my Dr,

Wife asks her mom, why don't you just stay here while I'm gone, you can help him with kids. I adore her family and say I appreciate it, but I'm off for rest of week, while home will rest. while in other room ask him would he be available tomorrow afteernoon would be close by, we can have lunch after wife flys out. He is close to where her mom lives. We could go there and hopefully one of her sisters are there too. Would rather they hear it from me, and no way twisted story.

This is the way it goes down

. Once she flys out, park truck and call his wife, try to convince her to either come down or meet halfway, have some files ready to send her to show proff.

. While plane in air, already have email I written to wife and attached files also, just small pieces but enough for her stomach to feel the pain I have. If timing is correct as she reads it and listens to some VAR recordings she gets another suprise papers being served.

. Go see other man at his command, will be civil.

. Talk to in laws and explain my actions and what will be happening.

. Go to kids school and take them out, talk to them that mom and I are going thru a rough patch right now, but has nothing to do with them. They have not done or caused anything to cause this if they ask if we are getting D, I will just say that's something mom and I have to decide.

Well thanks again, will stop by later on, I'm sure it's gonna be a busy day.

One Time Out!!